|The Fairly OddParents episode transcript|
|Airdate:||April 13, 2001|
(The episode starts on a rainy day at the Turner household, Timmy is looking through a microscope)
- Timmy: So boring, can't focus.
- Wanda: (poofs in with Cosmo) What's the matter, champ?
- Timmy: I've got to do a report on the wonders of the microscopic universe. You know what's really microscopic? How much I care! (flips up a diagram of the human body)
(meanwhile Vicky and Timmy's parents are in the living room, Vicky is distracted by a fly buzzing around her)
- Mr. Turner: Vicky, do you know what's not microscopic? How much we care about this vase!
- Vicky: (inspecting the vase) Hmm. It sure looks expensive! (goes to swat the fly that landed on the vase)
- Mrs. Turner: (takes the fly swatter and hits her hand) Oh, it is! It's worth fifty thousand dollars!
- Mr. Turner: That's more than you'll make in your entire life! (the Turners laugh while Vicky snarls at the vase) Well we're off!
- Mrs. Turner: Take good care of our fancy new vase while we're gone! (they exit the house) Oh, and Timmy too! Keep an eye on him! (they laugh as they leave)
- Vicky: (Vicky stops the vase from falling off) I hate you. Stop mocking me!!
(scenes changes back in Timmy's room)
- Timmy: I wish the assignment was more exciting.
(Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands, Timmy turns around and sees a large metal suit)
- Wanda: Timmy, we're going to show you that microbiology can be fun!
- Timmy: What's this thing do?
- Cosmo: It's a shrinking suit!
- Wanda: It has dozens of gizmos and gadgets to protect you from the unknown dangers of the microbiological universe!
- Cosmo: Pretty interesting, huh? Timmy, huh? Timmy? (turns around and Timmy's already in the suit)
- Timmy: Come on you guys, let's get microscopic! (pushes a bunch of buttons and they all shrink down) Cool, I'm tiny, I'm tiny, I'm... bored already.
- Cosmo: How about we explore the cooties around Vicky?
- Wanda: There's bound to be tons of them!
- Timmy: OK! (flies through the air to get to Vicky's snack table)
- Cosmo: This is one small step for a fairy, one giant step... cheese (eyes turn to hears) pants! The great lost cheese pant mountain! They said it didn't exist! They thought I was crazy but I knew!
- Wanda: I like the cheddar overalls! (bites into them)
- Cosmo: (wearing them) I like the jalapeno button flies!
- Timmy: (flying around) Look at the size of this food! If I could shrink everyone in the world down to this size, there'd be enough food to end world hunger!
- Wanda: Oh, that's beautiful, Timmy!
- Cosmo: But not why we're here! Look, big candy!
- Timmy: Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!
- Cosmo: (licking a lollipop) Pretty cool, huh Timmy?
- Timmy: So bored, can't... (suit starts beeping) hey! I'm detecting some underdeveloped life form! It's protozoa! Exactly what I need for my report.
- Wanda: Can we help, Timmy?
- Timmy: No thanks, remember the last time you helped me with a science project?
(Cosmo and Wanda look at each other before a flashback occurs, where Timmy is about to pour something into a test tube)
- Cosmo and Wanda: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
(the roof blows up and the flashback ends)
- Cosmo and Wanda: Uhh... no?
- Timmy: Well I do. I wish you guys would spend the afternoon enjoying yourselves while I do my report.
- Cosmo: Aye aye, Captain Timmy!
(Cosmo and Wanda poof away while Timmy shrinks himself some more. The scene changes to a line of organisms holding presents to Princess Protozoa)
- Organism: Pick me, Princess Protozoa! We'll make beautiful mildew together!
- Shy Bacteria: (pushing the other one out the way) No no, pick me! I make milk go sour! I'm edgy!
- Princess Protozoa: Yawn! So bored.
(Timmy shrinks down to the, and the princess excitedly hops up to him)
- Timmy: Hi, mind if I ask you a few questions?
- Princess Protozoa: Ask me anything, I think you multi-cell organisms are, like, so complex!
(Timmy blushes and steams up his helmet. Meanwhile Cosmo and Wanda are in a packet of cheese pants and Cosmo makes a cheese statue of Wanda with his mouth)
- Cosmo: Say cheese!
- Wanda: That would be redundant!
- Cosmo: Well, Timmy's given us the afternoon off. What do you wanna do?
(Vicky picks up the packet with Cosmo and Wanda in it)
- Wanda: Not get eaten?
- Cosmo: That's oddly specific!
(Vicky pours the cheese pants as well as Cosmo and Wanda into her mouth and burps. At the bottom of her throat, a tour guide boat is floating in a lake of acid)
- Tour guide: We still have room for one more pair of germs for our journey through the inside of an evil girl.
(Cosmo and Wanda scream until they land in the boat)
- Tour guide: And we're off! (pulls a chain to make the boat move) Now watch out for that stomach acid. It's hydrochlo-horrible! (laughs)
- Cosmo: Oh, look! Big candy! (he and Wanda laughs)
(the scene changes back to Timmy and the princess)
- Princess Protozoa: My interests include wiggling and swimming. My turn-offs are penicillin and anti-biotics! But enough about me, tell me about you.
- Timmy: Well, my name's Timmy. I have a short attention span, and... (forgets what he was doing and walks away)
(back to the tour guide)
- Tour guide: Now remember, the small intestine is a high intensity flume ride! (puts on hat) People, you will get wet.
- Wanda: Wet with what?
- Tour guide: Lady, you don't wanna know.
(the boat falls down a waterfall and through a pipe)
- Male stomach flu: For a germ, you sure ask a lot of obvious questions.
- Cosmo: We're not germs, we're magic!
(the male stomach flu takes a photo of Cosmo and Wanda)
- Female stomach flu: Well, we're the stomach flu. We're contagious, watch and learn. (touches Vicky's insides and infects it)
- Tour guide: Hey, hey, hey! Hands in the boat at all times!
(cuts to Vicky eating cheese pants until her face turns green)
- Vicky: Bathroom! (runs past the vase and knocks it on the floor, shattering it to pieces)
- Timmy: That sounds like the smashing of a rare fifty thousand dollar vase!
- Vicky: Oh no, I broke the really expensive vase! I mean, clumsy Timmy broke the really expensive vase. (picks up a portrait of Timmy, breaks it on the floor and laughs)
- Timmy: (flies over to the broken glass) Vicky's gonna wreck the place and she's gonna blame it all on me!
- Vicky: (on the phone) That's right, Timmy's throwing a break-Timmy's-stuff party at his house! (drops the phone and a crowd of people run into the house)
- Timmy: I've gotta get big quick! (shrinks even more) Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Literal made me a shrink suit that only shrinks! I'd better find them. Now, where'd they go? (flies over to the discarded cheese pants packet) Oh no, they got themselves eaten! I've got to find them and wish myself bigger before my parents get home! (changes the suit into a submarine) I'm going in!
(Timmy approaches Vicky while she laughs and enters her mouth, making her gag. Timmy hovers over the start of the tour where Wanda and Cosmo landed)
- Timmy: Cool, I'm in Vicky's body.
(back at the tour guide's boat)
- Tour guide: Here we are, folks!
- Cosmo: (gasps) Oh my gosh! Kidney-land! We're in Kidney-land! Oh oh oh my gosh, look!
(the boat stops at the entrance)
- Cosmo and Wanda: It's Walt Kidney!
- Walt Kidney: Hello, and welcome to Kidney-land located in scenic Vicky the babysitter! (a magical orb appears) This is your magical guide through the kidney and beyond; Tinkle-bell.
- Wanda: Don't we know you?
- Tinklebell: L-look, it's a summer job, OK? Please don't tell my parents.
(the scene cuts back to Timmy)
- Timmy: I'm still in the chest cavity. At this rate I'll never find Cosmo and Wanda. (gets pulled backwards) A black hole? But that's where Vicky's heart is supposed to be. Of course, her heart is a black hole! (disappears inside and warps into the brain) Wow, the black hole has dumped me into Vicky's brain! It's really vacant here. Mission control, this is what makes Vicky tick. Cool, I can see what Vicky sees!
(Timmy walks through the control room until he gets stopped by Pettiness)
- Pettiness: Excuse me, this is a secured area. Who are you?
- Timmy: Uh, I'm Bob... from the, uh, central nervous system!
- Everyone: (tips their hats) Hi Bob! (goes back to work)
- Pettiness: We're Vicky's subconscious. We control all of her emotions. I'm pettiness, that's jealousy...
- Jealousy: Why don't I have a suit like that?
- Pettiness: And this is anger.
- Anger: (innocently) Hello, would you like a cookie?
- Timmy: Sure!
- Anger: Well, SO WOULD I!!
- Timmy: (watching Vicky break a lamp) Vicky's breaking everything in the house! Where the heck are Cosmo and Wanda?!
(cuts back to the tour)
- Tour guide: Welcome to our last stop, people! The nose! Please exit through either the left or the right nostril.
(the tour guide goes to tickle Vicky's nose with a feather, making her sneeze on a wall-mounted portrait of Timmy)
- Cosmo: (sliding down the portrait, covered in snot) Let's go again! Let's go again!
(cuts back to Timmy in the control room, reading a sign that says "kindness" placed on an empty chair covered in cobwebs)
- Timmy: Kindness?
- Pettiness: Never showed up for work. (gasps as he looks at the monitor) Oh dear, some girl is getting more attention than Vicky! I'd better spill something on her dress.
(Vicky pours a glass of water on the girl and laughs at her)
- Timmy: I wonder... (jumps into kindness' chair) Alright Vicky, feel the love! (turns a dial to minimum kindness)
- Vicky: (stops laughing and hearts float around her head, then turns to the crying girl) Oh gosh! I'm sorry! What an incredibly unkind thing of me to do!
- Timmy: If one click did that, what would happen if... (turns to the dial to maximum kindness)
- Vicky: Feeling... (struggling) feeling... kind!!
- Timmy: Whoa!
- Vicky: Oh my good golly gosh! Timmy's parents will be home any minute! Quick everybody, get out! I have to clean! And here, money for everyone!
(Vicky throws money about the place and a crowd of people grab it before running out the door)
- Vicky: There's not a minute to spare! Come my animal friends!
(Vicky's now wearing a blue and yellow Snow White-esque dress as animals surround her. She sings as she wipes down the portrait of Timmy she sneezed on and Cosmo and Wanda float in front of it, showing up on Timmy's monitor)
- Timmy: Wow, Cosmo and Wanda are outside Vicky's body. Now I can wish myself outta here! (laughs until he bumps into security)
- Pettiness: You! You're not from the nerve system!
- Timmy: (points to the left) Look, it's obsessive compulsive disorder! (they gasp as Timmy runs away) Duh!
(Timmy enters his suit and flies away)
- Pettiness: Well, let's see how he deals with the anti-bodies! (pulls down a lever)
- Timmy: (pursued by purple bots) Anti-bodies, and they're gaining! Gotta lose them!
(meanwhile, Vicky is mopping the place on the back of a deer with birds flying around her)
- Vicky: (singing) Cleaning, cleaning, how I love my cleaning, cleaning...
(cuts back to Timmy in Vicky's throat)
- Timmy: Vicky's vocal cords! (a blast misses his suit) Oh no, I gotta get outta here! (pursued by an army of anti-bodies blasting at him) I gotta do something before they box me in! That's it! It's gotta be in here somewhere. The voice box!
- Voice box: Welcome to voice-in-the-box, may I take your order?
- Timmy: (into a microphone) I wish I was outta here!
(Timmy's voice echoes up Vicky's vocal cords)
- Vicky: (dusting) I have to clean the mess I made and... (in Timmy's voice) I wish I was outta here!
- Wanda: Did you hear that? Timmy learned ventriloquism!
- Cosmo: And Vicky's the dummy!
(Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and poof Timmy out of Vicky's body just before he gets shot by antibodies)
- Pettiness: Blast! You may have escaped this time, but we'll meet again! (turns the kindness dial off)
(Timmy poofs back to normal size next to Vicky, who stops dusting)
- Vicky: Oh my, cute little animals? And they're cleaning?! Get out!!
(the animals leave just as the Turners park on the driveway)
- Timmy: Mom and dad are home! The vase, it's still busted! (to Cosmo and Wanda now as fish in their fish bowl) I wish the vase was fixed!
(they wave their wands and the vase is pieced back together. Vicky looks at it in shock)
- Mr. Turner: Fifty thousand dollar vase? And Timmy? We're home!
- Vicky: But...
- Mrs. Turner: Vicky, you cleaned the house and made it spotless! What a wonderfully kind thing to do!
- Timmy: Boring conversation, can't focus. (leans on the pillar and makes the vase fall and break)
(the Turners gasp)
- Vicky: Alright! Timmy broke the vase!
- Mr. and Mrs. Turner: We're rich...er!
- Vicky: What?
- Mr. Turner: Vicky, that vase was worth and insured for fifty thousand dollars. We only bought it for a buck!
- Timmy: Where'd you get it for a dollar?
- Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Internet.
- Mr. Turner: And thanks to Timmy's tiny attention span, we just made forty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine dollars!
- Vicky: (to the broken vase) I hate you.
(the scene changes to the next day at Timmy's school, where Timmy is giving a presentation on the human body)
- Timmy: And so, I learned that the small intestine is actually a high speed water ride. Emotions are controlled by little people in chairs and when you're mean, your heart is a big black hole that sucks up everything!
(Mr. Crocker stamps an "F" on Timmy's paper, and the scene changes to later when Timmy's outside)
- Timmy: Crocker gave me an F!
- Cosmo: (as a fly along with Wanda) I'll tell you what's really microscopic; your grade point average!
- Timmy: Now I've gotta do a report on the wonders of the big universe!
- Cosmo: No problem!
(Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and Timmy is transported to the size of a planet as he sits on the top of Earth)
- Timmy: You guys take everything way too literally.
(the episode ends with Cosmo and Wanda laughing)
SET 23588DONALDSONONFIRE DOES NOT LOSE HIS GOD DAMN FAIRIES FUCK JESUS FUCK GOD FUCK CHURCH AMAZING PRICK FUCK MOSES FUCK THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FUCK THE BIBLE SMACK A BIBLE BURN A BIBLE.