The Grass is Greener/Transcript

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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "The Grass is Greener" from Season 3, which aired on May 23, 2003.

Script[]

[The episode starts with Mr. Turner pushing a hand-made lawnmower in the lawn. He walks past Timmy, who sits in a Cosmo inflatable pool and wears a Wanda seahorse floaty.]

Timmy: Hey, Dad! Whatcha doing?
Mr. Turner: Mowing the lawn! With the lawn mower I made myself!

[Mr. Turner, trying to start the mower, pulls the cord and it explodes. After a beat, Dinkleberg rides through scene on his side of the fence, on a riding mower, whistling happily.]

Mr. Turner: (seething) Dinkleberg...

[Later, Timmy sits on the patio with Cosmo (as a pitcher) and Wanda (as a glass). Mr. Turner wheels out a hand-made BBQ stand.]

Mr. Turner: Hey, sport! Ready for some burgers on the grill I made myself?
Timmy: You bet!

[Mr. Turner hits a button on the grill, then the flames shoot out of it as though it were a rocket engine, charring Mr. Turner to the core.]

Timmy: Ready for a trip to the hospital?
Mr. Turner: You bet!

[On Dinkleberg, he flips burgers on the finest BBQ stand. He smiles at Mr. Turner and waves.]

Mr. Turner: (fuming) Dinkleberg...

[In the kitchen, Mrs. Turner serves burger to Mr. Turner at the table.]

Mr. Turner: What's this?
Mrs. Turner: It's lunch!

[Mr. Turner pulls out a binocular and peers through the window. He saw the Dinklebergs, as they are having a very fancy lunch, with lobster.]

Mr. Turner: (offscreen) But the Dinklebergs are having brunch! That's better than lunch! Why can't we have a fancy brunch? Or a fancy riding mower! Or a fancy barbecue that works?
Mrs. Turner: (offscreen) Well, we can't afford all those fancy new things because we spend all our extra money on Timmy! But I'd never say...

[Timmy enters behind them as he hears.]

Mrs. Turner: If we didn't have Timmy, we could afford all sorts of fancy new things!

[Timmy's eyes widen sadly.]

Mr. Turner: Yeah! Having a son can be such a drag! Think how great our lives would be if we didn't have Timmy...

[Timmy sadly exits as Mr. Turner continues to talk.]

Mr. Turner: ...is the exact opposite of how I really feel!

[Moments later, Cosmo and Wanda float in the fishbowl, while Timmy walks in sadly to his room.]

Wanda: What's the matter, Timmy?
Cosmo: Yeah! You look like something the cat dragged in, ate, then spit up!
Timmy: I just overheard my parents wishing they didn't have me, so they'd have more money to spend on themselves!
Cosmo: Really? Wow. Good thing we're not their fairy godparents. We'd have to grant them that!
Timmy: If that's how they really feel, there's only one thing for me to do! (Pulls out a suitcase and starts shoving comic books, a pillow, and the fishbowl.) I'm gonna run away from home!
Wanda: Timmy, you're only ten!
Timmy: But I've got magical fairy godparents to take care of everything and anything I'd need! What do I have to worry about? I wish I could start living my life on the road!

[Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda stand in the middle of the road as a car zoom by.]

Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda: AHHH!!!
Cosmo: Too literal?

[POOF! They disappear and reappear on the manhole, just as a car crashes offscreen.]

Cosmo: Don't worry! I know a magical place where all runaway kids go!

[Wands are waves and POOF! Cosmo, Wanda and Timmy appear outside a circus tent.]

Timmy: The circus?
Cosmo: Nope! Circuses have to obey child labor laws! We're at a carnival, which is like a circus...

[Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda are at the carnival with awful game stands and dangerous. A fully loaded roller coaster car breaks off as roller coaster riders screams, then lands safely before Cosmo and Wanda, who poof into balloons, and rolls offscreen.]

Cosmo: ...but far more dangerous! They barely have to obey the laws of physics!

[They are near a platform with a sign that reads, 'Colon the Clown'. Colon the Clown twists up balloons that resembles human intestines. A kid reaches for a balloon.]

Kid: Doggie?
Colon the Clown: Better than doggie! It's your small intestine!
Kids: Ewww!

[ON Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda.]

Timmy: Yeesh! I can do better than that!

[The Carny Boss and the Pincushion guy walk towards Timmy, popping balloons as he walks past the kids. Cosmo and Wanda, still balloons, wince and float away as the guy talks.]

Carny Boss: Oh yeah? You think you have what it takes to be a carny?
Timmy: Well, I ran away from home and have a fifth-grade education.
Carny Boss: You could be overqualified, but I'll give you a shot!

[The montage begins with "TILT 'N' HURL", a ride that spins the patrons in a circle. Timmy, wearing Wanda (as a helmet) and holding Cosmo (as a bucket) catches patrons falling items, including a wooden leg that hits him and bounce into the bucket.]

Timmy: (looking at The Wooden Leg) Ew.

[Timmy sits in a dunk tank. A patron winds up and hurls a baseball at a target, knocking Timmy in instantly into a green water with a tentacle monster grabbing him and pulling him into the water. Then, Timmy, holding a buzzing Cosmo (as an electric razor) and Wanda (as a mirror), stands in front of the Bearded Lady.]

Bearded Lady: Can you start with my back?
Timmy: Ew!!!

[Later, Cosmo and Wanda are stuffed animals on the prize shelf in a Game Booth, while Timmy is in a ring circle, bummed.]

Wanda: What's the matter, Sport? Homesick?
Timmy: (stubborn) No.
Cosmo: Maybe he's hungry! Try a tasty possum on a stick!

[POOF! Cosmo and Wanda POOF into FAIRY FORM.]

Cosmo: (holds a possum on a stick and eats it all in one gulp) Mmm! It's the rabies that gives it that extra zip!
Timmy: Man, life on the road isn't as much fun as I thought it would be. Maybe I am a little homesick! I wish I could see what my parents are doing. Maybe they're missing me too?

[Wanda grabs a mirror with a logo that looks like REO SPEEDWAGON on it. She waves her wand and POOF! It becomes a MAGIC MIRROR! The mirror starts to glow. We PUSH IN ON THE MIRROR and see the TURNER HOME coming into view. We... DISSOLVE TO: INT. - TIMMY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Mr. Turner is holding an arm full of Timmy's CLOTHES by his window, which he gleefully hurls out the window.]

Mrs. Turner: Well, that's every piece of Timmy's clothing!
Mr. Turner: I'm glad that's out of the way!

[SMASH! Timmy's hand pounds into the image, SMASHING A CRACK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT as he throws it angrily aside. ON THE MIRROR - the scene continues: Mrs. Turner pulls out several DEPARTMENT STORE SHOPPING BAGS.]

Mrs. Turner: Yeah! Now we can give Timmy all these brand-new clothes we bought him!

[ON TIMMY, COSMO AND WANDA.]

Timmy: They threw my stuff out! They don't miss me at all! FINE! Then, this is my home now!
Wanda: Timmy, you can't be a carny forever!
Cosmo: You don't have the skills! You've never even been to prison!
Timmy: Fine! Then I'll wish for the skills! I wish I was the best carny ever!

[Cosmo and Wanda SIGH and, very reluctantly, POOF! POOF WIPE TO: THE CARNY BOSS stands next to a MUNCHKIN and a BEAR.]

Carny Boss: Let's hear it for Flayvin, the world's bravest bear wrasslin' munchkin!

[FLAVIN circles the bear. Suddenly, Timmy leaps into scene, lifts Flavin, the bear and an ANVIL and begins juggling them.]

Carny Boss: I mean Timmy! The world's bravest, strongest juggling 10-year-old!

[Flavin seethes as he is juggled, as do the nearby and equally angry STRONG MAN and JUGGLER. DISSOLVE TO: AT COLON THE CLOWN'S AREA - Colon is making yet another balloon innard in front of a group of KIDS.]

Kid: Kitty?

[Timmy steps into scene, takes the balloon out of Colon's hand and whips into a double helix.]

Timmy: Look! It's your DNA!

[The kids erupt in cheers as Colon storms OS. DISSOLVE TO: INT. - SIDE SHOW TENT - ON THE BEARDED LADY being gawked at by MEN WITH MULLETS. Timmy walks into scene. Timmy concentrates and then POOM! He grows a BEARD the size of Rip Van Winkle's. He concentrates again and POOM! He has an ALLIGATOR TAIL. PAN OVER TO REVEAL - The Bearded lady is joined by the Pincushion Guy and AN ALLIGATOR MAN.]

Bearded Lady: I'm getting pretty tired of that kid.
Pincushion Man: Come on, he's not that bad.

[ON TIMMY who concentrates and POOM! He sprouts PINS, NEEDLES, and NAILS. The mullet guy crowd <<CHEERS WILDLY.>> ON THE Pincushion Man, Alligator Man and Bearded Lady.]

Pincushion Man: And that's where I draw the line.

[CUT TO: EXT. - OUTSIDE TIMMY'S GAME BOOTH - LATER Timmy, in a booth, wears a sweaty white TANK TOP and CARGO PANTS. POOF! Cosmo and Wanda poof into scene as Fairies.]

Timmy: Being a carny rocks! I'm going to stay here forever!
Cosmo: (reveals a SKUNK and CHOCOLATE COVERED ROACHES ON A STICK.) Me too! I never want to go back to eating safely prepared food again! (to Wanda) Candy Coated Cockroach?
Wanda: (slaps the stick out of his hands) UGH! Timmy, don't you think you should go home? Where you belong?
Timmy: Forget it! This is where I belong now! I can take care of myself now!
Wanda: (angrily) Okay! But if you can take care of yourself, I guess you don't need fairies anymore!

[POOF! Cosmo and Wanda disappear.]

Timmy: What?

[A muscular ARM reaches in and grabs Timmy by his tank top.]

Timmy: HEY!

[WIDEN TO REVEAL that all the CARNIES - The Pincushion Guy, Colon the Clown, the Bearded Lady, the Munchkin, The Alligator Man, The Juggler, the Strong Man all loom over Timmy. The Strong Man holds Timmy angrily.]

Strong Man: We don't like strangers with their fancy 5th grade learning' showing' us...
Timmy: (after a beat) Up?
Strong Man: See! There he goes again!
Flavin: Get ready for a bucket of deep-fried, butt whipping, carny style!
Timmy: YAAA!!!

[Timmy rips himself free of the Strong Man and runs. The Carnies smile at each other for a moment. The Pincushion Guy looks at his pin-cushioned arm and checks his WATCH.]

Pincushion Man: Wait for it. (beat) Okay. Now.
All Carnies: Get him!!!

[They give chase. CUT TO: EXT. - OUTSIDE THE CARNIVAL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS Timmy runs.]

Timmy: Cosmo! Wanda! Help! I'm being attacked by Carnies! (beat: Then) OH NO! THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK!!!
All Carnies: GET HIM!!!

[CLOSE ON THE CARNIES - The Pincushion Guy lifts his arm and fires NEEDLES at Timmy. ON TIMMY - as the quills shoot at his feet.]

Timmy: AHH!! I gotta lose those carnies!

[SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE In the distance, we see a TRAIN on tracks.]

Timmy: A TRAIN!!!

[CLOSE ON TIMMY as he runs, catches up with the train and leaps on board. He slides the DOOR of the car shut just as a volley of QUILLS hits. DISSOLVE TO: INT. - RAILROAD BOXCAR - SAME TIME Timmy, now officially worried, opens the door a crack.]

Timmy: I wonder if I lost them...

[Timmy's POV - We see the carnies, standing around on the CABOOSE, seemingly disinterested and playing CARDS, hey see Timmy watching them and suddenly snap to attention.]

Pincushion Man: Uh... Get him!
Timmy: (shocked) How did they get there so fast?

[Timmy opens the door - The train he is now running parallel to a COUNTRY ROAD.A PICKUP TRUCK, loaded with FLUFFY PINK PILLOWS pulls up next to him. He leaps in the back as the truck rolls away from the train. We see the carnies shaking their hands angrily as they disappear from view.]

Timmy: Whew! What luck!

[The truck starts to slow down and approaches a FOUR WAY STOP. Suddenly, THREE OTHER TRUCKS with the carnies inside pull up.]

Timmy: AHH!! (freaks out, looks around, then looks up to see a pink hot air balloon) What more luck!

[It floats by him, a rope dangling within reach. He leaps and grabs it! TIMMY'S POV - THE FOUR WAY STOP GETS SMALLER AND SMALLER as he floats away into the setting SUN. CLOSE ON TIMMY - Balling up in the balloon basket, pulling a GREEN BLANKET over him.]

Timmy: I don't wanna run away anymore... I wanna go home!

[Suddenly, a gigantic pin cushion pierces the basket.]

Timmy: OH NO!

[Timmy sees the carnies piled in another hot air balloon. The Pincushion guy fires a needle that pops the balloon.]

Colon the Clown: Let's see you make anything out of THAT balloon, punk!
Timmy: AHHH!!!

[Timmy's balloon rockets across the fields and yet, somehow, manages to land safely, without any damage, in... TIMMY'S BACK YARD - DUSK - Timmy climbs out of the basket and stares in the window of his kitchen. Mrs. Turner and Mr. Turner are holding each other, sobbing.]

Mr. Turner: (sobbing) I miss Timmy!
Mrs. Turner: (wailing) I miss Timmy!
Both: (bawling) I miss Timmy!
Timmy: Huh? They're miserable? And miss me?
Pincushion Man: (offscreen) Well of course they miss you.

[All Carnies appeared.]

Timmy: Oh no!

[Cosmo and Wanda POOF IN.]

Wanda: Good one, Farfle!

[The carnies start laughing.]

Timmy: You're... You're laughing? And you're not gonna kill me? (to Cosmo and Wanda) I don't get it! What's so funny? And where'd you guys go?
Wanda: Timmy, we never left! Didn't you see the pink pillows? And the pink balloon?
Cosmo: The green blanket? And the fried squirrel?
Wanda: You were never in any real danger! We'd never let anything happen to you!
Cosmo: Besides, those aren't carnies! They're fairies!

[POOF! Suddenly, all the carnies POOF into fairy form, except for the Alligator Man.].

Cosmo: Except for the Alligator Man.
Carny Boss: There comes a time when every kid with fairies thinks they can use magic to run away from home!
Strong Man: So, all the Fairies set up a fake carnival where runaway kids can runaway to!
Pincushion Man: That way you'd be safe and sound until you came to your senses and returned home.
Timmy: You mean you tricked me to teach me a lesson? AWESOME!!! (To window) MOM! DAD! I'M HOME!
Mrs. and Mr. Turner: TIMMY!!!

[Timmy runs into the house.]

Alligator Man: Well, back to the bayou for me.
Cosmo: Hey! When you get there, send back some deep-fried platypus! Extra rabies?

[Timmy runs in to the kitchen. Mrs. and Mr. Turner hug him with all their might.]

Mrs. Turner: Where were you? We filled your room with new clothes and everything!
Timmy: (verge of tears) I'm sorry! I heard you guys talking about how much more money you'd have if you didn't have a kid, and because you guys didn't even look for me, I thought you didn't want me anymore!
Mrs. Turner: Sweetie, that's ridiculous! We love you!
Timmy: (sniffling) Yeah... But I'm the reason the Dinklebergs have so much more nice stuff than us!
Mr. Turner: (gingerly puts his arms around Timmy's shoulders) That may be true, son, but there's one thing the Dinklebergs don't have that we do. And that's you. (beat) In fact...

[The next day, Mr. Turner, holding Timmy like a football, shoves Timmy in Dinkleberg's face, gloatingly.]

Mr. Turner: IN YOUR FACE, DINKLEBERG!
Timmy: YEAH! WHAT HE SAID!

[Mr. Turner does a victory dance, then spikes Timmy offscreen with a thud. Timmy's sprawled out on the ground, next to Cosmo and Wanda as rabbits. Mr. Turner leans into scene.]

Mr. Turner: Oh, and by the way, you're grounded for running away.
Timmy: Cool! I'm totally loved!
Mr. Turner: (grabs Cosmo's ears and lifts him up) Hey! A rabbit! I could fry that up and serve it on a stick!
Cosmo: AAAGH!!!

[It fades out.]