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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "The Gland Plan" from Season 5, which aired on May 11, 2005.
Script[]
- Timmy: What if Vicky's father suddenly got a new job in New Zealand and she has to move?
- Cosmo: Ah, excellent plan, Timmy, but what did New Zealand to you?
- Wanda: Look out, someone's coming. Change into something inconspicuous [Wanda turns into a salt, Cosmo into a cake]
- Mr. Turner: Oh boy, face cake!
- Cosmo: [screaming] AHHH!
- Timmy: Cosmo, you need to be more careful about what you change into.
- Cosmo: Yeah, I know. It's a good thing my scream spoiled his appetite [Cosmo tries to kiss Wanda, but he turns into a fork]
- Wanda: [screaming]
- Timmy: Cosmo, what's wrong with you?
- Cosmo: [He turns into a chainsaw] Nothing. [chainsaw buzzing]
- Wanda: OW! Oh Yeah? Why aren't you a goldfish?
- Cosmo: Oh, Goldfish are so last week. Jackhammers are all the rage.
- Wanda: OW! Don't lie to me!
- Cosmo: Lie? What are you talking- (turns into a toaster) About? I'm sorry, sweetie. [transforms into jumper cable then an eel until he turns into a goldfish] All right, what's going on? [he tries to kiss Wanda, but he turns into a fork]
- Timmy: Why do you keep changing into the wrong things?
- Wanda: Cosmo, are you having problems with your-you-know-what?
- Cosmo: EEP! NO! my fa-giggly gland is fine.
[The scene opens at the hospital of the fairy world]
- Dr. Rip Studwell: (offscreen) No, it's not. Cosmo's fa-giggly gland is far from fine.
- Cosmo: [He turns into a baseball bat]
- Timmy: What's a ga-giggly hooie.
- Dr. Rip Studwell: The Fa-Giggly gland the special magical organ in a fairy's body that allows us to change shape
- Wanda: Oh, give it to us straight, Dr. Rip Studwell.
- Cosmo: [turns into a cat]
- Wanda: Is Cosmo sick?
- Dr. Rip Studwell: Let me put this to you in terms Cosmo could understand: Yes
- Cosmo: [He turns into a hat] Oh no! If I can't disguise myself anymore my days as a godparent are over. I'll have to go back to my old job.
- Dr. Rip Studwell*: Cosmo, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is I'm due to tee off at 2:30.
- Wanda: Uh, hello? Bad news?
- Cosmo: [He turns into a vampire]
- Dr. Rip Studwell: Right, the part about you. the bad news is there's only one treatment for fa-giggly gland failure: a fa-giggly transplant.
- Wanda: But Cosmo is an only child. where are we going to find a donor?
[The scene opens to the prison of the fairy world]
- Jorgen: Welcome to Fairy World Maximum Security Prison. It's here were we house fairy world's most dangerous, villainous and smelliest criminals. you will notice we have equipped all of our prisoners with anti-flight and magic uniform. They prevent magic and are both form-fitting and slimming.
- Anti-Wanda: It's true, y'all check me out. I look like one of them teeny, little runway models. [She takes a hot dog and starts eating it] cepting for my teeth and the fact that I'm eating food.
- Timmy: Anti-Wanda? Hey, it's your opposite anti-fairy!
- Jorgen: Yes, this is where we keep the truly evil prisoners [Show another prisoner with his magic staff] like him, Anti-Cosmo
- Anti-Cosmo: Hello, Clarice.
- Wanda: Who's Clarice?
- Anti-Cosmo: Oh, so sorry, can't see a thing without my monocle.
- Timmy: I don't like this, Anti-Cosmo is the opposite of Cosmo: smart, evil, smart.
- Anti-Cosmo: Relax child, I know you're here because Cosmo's fa-giggly gland is going bad.
- Cosmo: How do you know that?
- Anti-Cosmo: Because I'm the opposite of you, Cosmo, your ignorant boob, and my fa-giggly gland is going good. [He turns into a cow] Moo! my days as an anti-fairy are coming to an end. our only change is for Jorgen to let me out of here so Dr. Rip Studwell can transplant our fa-giggly glands into each other.
- Jorgen: Really? It's all up to me? Let me see. I don't like you, and I don't like you. [screaming] and stay out!
- Cosmo: Well, I guess it's back to my old, unmentionably horrible job.
- Timmy: Not so fast, Cosmo. if Jorgen won't left Anti-Cosmo out, we'll bust him out.
- Wanda: But Timmy, Fairy World Prison is escape-proof.
- Timmy: Ha, that's what they said about the anti-fairy zone, and I got Anti-Cosmo out of there, didn't I?
- Wanda: That was by accident, and it's the very reason they built this new prison: to keep evil geniuses in.
- Timmy: Then what we need is something subtle and most of all, quiet.
- Wanda: Uh, this is subtle and quiet how?
- Timmy: I can't hear you! I'm sneaking up on the prison!
- Wanda: What's he saying?
- Cosmo: Ah, I love you, too. (kisses)
- Wanda: Ahhh!
- Cosmo: What?
- Timmy: We're gonna use it to tunnel under the walls and get Anti-Cosmo out.
- Wanda: Tunnel? Wait! No!
- Cosmo, Wanda, and Timmy: AHHH!
- Wanda: We were on a cloud! You idiots!
- Timmy: Whaaat?
- Wanda: Any other bright ideas?
- Timmy: Yep! This prison track meet is perfect!
- Cosmo: Yeah, they'll never expect prisoners to run away during a prison track meet.
- Wanda: Ha!
[Various fairies grunts and strain]
- Jorgen: Oh, look, there is Anti-Cosmo about to do the pole vault.
- Anti-Cosmo: Tally ho! Ha ha! I'm free! So long suckers! UGH!
- Cosmo: You know, for an evil genius, you'd have thought he'd have taken time to measure that stick.
- Wanda: Why didn't you?
- Cosmo: (looks to himself) Stupid? Remember? Stupid?
- Timmy: Time for plan C.
- Cosmo: UGH.
- Timmy: Maybe Anti-Cosmo can't fly but we can!
- Cosmo: Yeah! This plan is perfect!
- Cosmo: And now it's not!
- Anti-Cosmo: Cosmo, you ignorant boob!
- Timmy: Ahhh!
- All: AHHHH!
- Jorgen: (offscreen) Ah! You ignorant boobs! You are so pathetic! Ha ha ha ha ha! Pathetic fairies!
- Wanda: Hello?
- Dr. Rip Studwell: It's me, Dr. Rip Studwell, with bad news and good news. The bad news is, if we don't do the fagiggly transplant soon, it's going to be too late.
- Timmy: What's the good news?
- Dr. Rip Studwell: I'm three under par after nine holes. See? At least one of us is happy!
- Wanda: Oh! What are we gonna do? We're almost out of time!
- Timmy: Hey, this is a diagram and an escape plan!
- Wanda: Is it from Anti-Cosmo?
- Timmy: Let me check. (he reads) "Dear Morons: Yes, this escape plan is from me, Anti-Cosmo, Evil Genius."
- Cosmo: So who's it from?
- Wanda: This plan is brilliant!
- Timmy: Well, he is the Anti-Cosmo.
- Cosmo: What does that make me?
- Cosmo: Hurry up!
- Jorgen: (toying with them) So Mr. Big Tooth Laundry Man and Hairy Lipped Laundry Woman, are you ready to leave with your load of "laundry?"
- Timmy: Yeah.
- Wanda: You bet!
- Jorgen: And you will not mind if I violently stick this pitchfork into your "laundry?"
- Timmy: No.
- Wanda: Not at all!
- Timmy: Can we go now?
- Jorgen: Well, since your laundry isn't screaming like face cake, sure.
- Anti-Wanda: My Anti-Cosmo shore was right when he said you'd be so busy looking in the laundry basket you'd never think to look under this thing.
- Anti-Cosmo: Ooh, Anti-Wanda, I do love you so much, but you are such a twit!
- Wanda: I feel your pain.
- Jorgen: Yeah, well, now prepare to feel my pain!
- All: Ahhh!
- Timmy: This way!
- Cosmo: No. This way. Run for the gate!
- All: Ahhh!
- Anti-Cosmo: Cosmo, you ignorant boob! It's locked.
- Cosmo: Yeah, but remember that unmentionably horrible job I said I hated? That job was being a magic key! (shudders) So many dark locks. So cold... It's so cold...
- Anti-Cosmo: Yes. Yes. Let me summarize. Cosmo's an idiot. We're very lucky. Now if Cosmo can stay a key for about five seconds we can get out and find our doctor?
- Jorgen: Yaaaah!
- Cosmo: Tree. Knee. Flea. Letter G. Magic key! Ah!
- All: Hooray!
- Jorgen: You fools! No one escapes Jorgen Von - quack! Ah! My fagiggly gland. I must find the Anti-Jorgen!
- Wanda: Dr. Studwell! We're here with Anti-Cosmo for the transplant.
- Dr. Rip Studwell: (checks his watch) Fantastic. I've got good news...
- Cosmo, Wanda, and Timmy: And bad news.
- Dr. Rip Studwell: And more good news. The first good news is you just made it.
- Cosmo, Wanda, and Timmy: Hooray!
- Dr. Rip Studwell: The bad news is, we don't have time to get to the hospital.
- Cosmo, Wanda, and Timmy: Awww!
- Dr. Rip Studwell: But the other good news is - I'm a fairy doctor!
- Dr. Rip Studwell: You might want to look away.
[SFX: Loud Circular Saw]
- Cosmo: If I don't make it, stay away from my wife!
- Anti-Cosmo: And if I do make it, take mine.
- Dr. Rip Studwell: UGH.
- Wanda: Well, doctor?
- Dr. Rip Studwell: I've got good news, bad news, worse news and horrible news. The good news is the operation was a complete success and Cosmo is going to be fine.
- Wanda: Yay!
- Cosmo: Look at me! I'm back to normal. And I've got this really cool scar!
- Wanda: Ah! Hey! I thought you were cured!
- Cosmo: I am. I just never get tired of that.
- Dr. Rip Studwell: The bad news is your insurance isn't going to cover this!
- Cosmo and Wanda: AHHH!
- Dr. Rip Studwell: The worse news is Anti-Cosmo has escaped.
- Cosmo, Wanda, and Timmy: AAAAAAH!!!
- Timmy: And the horrible news?
- Dr. Rip Studwell: He's on my cell phone for Cosmo. And he called collect. Your insurance won't cover that, either.
- Cosmo: Hello? Yes, I'll accept the charges.
- Anti-Cosmo: (offscreen) Cosmo, old friend, since we both carry a piece of each other inside of us, I see no reason for us to do battle. But I warn you, don't look for me.
- Anti-Cosmo: I said don't look for me. (with Cosmo's voice) Bye Timmy! Bye Wanda! (catches self) OH! OH NO!
- Wanda: Well, that was weird. For a second, right as he left, Anti-Cosmo sounded just like Cosmo.
- Timmy: Yeah... You don't think that more than their faggigly glands got transplanted?
- Cosmo: (with Anti-Cosmo's voice) Oh perish the thought! Clarice! When did you get here? Have you seen Wanda?