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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "The End of the Universe-ity" from Season 6, which aired on August 11, 2008.
Script[]
[The scene starts off in space. Pan to the Death Ball.]
- Dark Laser: I'm baaa-aaack! Whoa ho ho hoahao! And this time I will destroy the Earth. [presses button that says "Destroy Earth" and a giant laser is fired toward the planet]
[Cut to Earth. Cosmo, Wanda, Poof, and Timmy are on the beach building a sand castle when a strange device next to them sounds an alarm.]
- Timmy: Ohh, not again. I wish a big mirror was in front of the Earth.
[Cut back to space, where a gigantic mirror is poofed in front of the Earth. The laser is reflected back at the Death Ball and it becomes slightly damaged from being blasted by its own laser.]
- Dark Laser: Grr! Now for the orbiting space laser cannon!
[Cut to Earth. Cosmo, Wanda, Poof, and Timmy are on the swingset when the device sounds the alarm again.]
- Timmy: Ugh! I wish the Earth was on the other side of the Sun.
[Cut back to space. The Earth poofs onto the other side of the sun, leaving the Dark Laser spaceship vulnerable to its own attack. After the beatdown, Dark Laser's spaceship is even more battered and bruised than before.]
- Dark Laser: Aah! Now for the super-giant destructo laser.
[Cut to Earth. Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof are watching Timmy, who is using the restroom when the alarm rings again.]
- Timmy: Ugh. I wish the Death Ball's laser was a self-destructing mallet. [flushes toilet]
[Cut to space, where Timmy's wish comes true and Death Laser's spaceship destroys itself in a vicious hammer attack.]
- Dark Laser: Not the face! [the Death Ball is smashed down with great force.]
[Cut to a fallen-apart Death Ball. Dark Laser and his other workers are holding a conference in the nearly destroyed rooms of the spaceship.]
- Dark Laser: I want to know why all of my attempts to destroy the Earth fail!
- Consultant: Sir, after a thorough analysis, we believe the reason you can't destroy the Earth is Timmy Turner. We theorize that these colorful shape-shifting entities are the source of Timmy's powers.
- Consultant #2: As a result, he always seems to know your next move ahead of time.
- Dark Laser: So, how do I destroy them?
- Consultant #3: You don't. Rather than fight Timmy Turner and lose, have him join us.
- Dark Laser: Yes, of course... Make Turner my evil apprentice. But first I must check with my most trusted advisor. What do you think, Flipsie? Flip once for recruit and two for destroy! Heh. [pulls out mechanical flipping dog out of his suit, who then flips over once] Hahahah, recruit Turner, recruit Turner!
[Cut to Timmy's house, where Dark Laser approaches the front door which Mr. and Mrs. Turner open for him.]
- Dark Laser: Hello. I'm Professor Laser and I'm here to offer your son, who I can't seem to destroy, a scholarship to, uh... Darkmouth University.
- Mr. Turner: We're listening.
[All of a sudden, Timmy bursts out the door, holding a Cosmo and Wanda transformed saber, ready to attack.]
- Timmy: Stand back, mom and dad!
- Dark Laser: We meet again, Timmy Turner. [brandishes a saber]
- Cosmo: I prefer being a dipstick to being a lightstick!
- Mrs. Turner: Easy, sweetie. This nice, scary man who has the same toy as you want to pay for your college.
- Dark Laser: Yes, and I'd like to take you and your son on a tour of our university.
- Mr. Turner: I don't know if it's his creepy mask or ominous cape or the fact that he's offered to pay for your college, but tour us up, baby!
[Cut to the Death Ball. It is still in a terrible condition due to the previous assaults.]
- Mrs. Turner: So, uh, Timmy will be going to college in an ugly, charred space station?
- Dark Laser: Here at Darkmouth, we put our focus on academics, not appearances.
- Mr. Turner: Aaand you're going to pay for all of it so we don't have to, right?
- Dark Laser: Yes.
- Mr. and Mrs. Turner: We love free college! [runs off]
[Timmy brandishes the Cosmo and Wanda transformed saber.]
- Dark Laser: Ergh! I don't wish to fight, Timmy. I want you to join me, and together, we can rule this universe.
- Timmy: I will never join you!
- Dark Laser: Just hear me out, because once you get a taste of the dark power, you'll never go back. Check it out, you can do cool stuff like this. [uses his dark powers to control robots and bash them into each other repeatedly]
- Timmy: Okay, that is pretty cool. But I have all the power I need! [beats up robots with his fairy-powered light saber]
- Dark Laser: Yes, but do your powers last forever like dark powers?
- Wanda: Don't listen to him, Timmy! It's a scam!
- Dark Laser: It's no scam. I'm prepared to offer you a 24-hour dark power trial run. [opens a door where a Timmy puppet is wearing a strange dark suit] If you're not convinced these are the coolest powers ever, just return the suit and I will never attack Earth again.
[Cut to the next day at school. Wearing his dark suit, Timmy floats through the hallways lifelessly, much to his classmates' awe.]
- Wanda: [transformed into a pencil] This is a waste of time. There's no way dark powers are better than fairy powers.
- Timmy: Yeah, but if I want Dark Laser to stop trying to destroy the Earth, I gotta wear this suit for twenty-four hours.
- Francis: Hey, Turner. You look kind of cool. But I'm still gonna pound you so hard, your feet will be your ears.
[Timmy uses his dark powers to control Francis and stuff him into a locker with great force.]
- Timmy: You gotta admit, that is one cool power.
- Wanda: Oh, big deal. Fairy powers can beat down bullies just as good as dark powers can. Watch.
[Wanda uses her fairy powers to beat Francis and smash him into a locker repeatedly.]
- Cosmo: And we can make him naked!
[Cosmo uses his fairy powers to make Francis naked, who then screams a girly squeal and hides back in the locker.]
- Cosmo: Can your dark powers do that?
- Timmy: No, but I don't like seeing Francis naked... [takes out Dark Suit manual] And it says right here I can use dark powers to win competitions. Can fairy powers do that?
- Cosmo and Wanda: Uh, no.
[Carrying a roll of paper towels, Timmy ominously floats into the science fair room. Many students have placed their projects on the tables.]
- Tad: [sarcastically] Nice toilet paper experiment, Turner.
- Chad: There's no way you'll ever beat us and our really expensive experiment that our dads had real scientists make for us!
- Mr. Crocker: Turner! Once again, I see that you have the worst project in the science fair!
[Timmy uses his dark powers to make the water from Chad's surfing experiment flood everywhere, shorting out everything and ruining everyone's projects except his own.]
- Mr. Crocker: And now I see you have the only project in the science fair... It hurts me to give you this ribbon. It really does...
[Timmy takes the first prize ribbon and uses his dark powers to slam Mr. Crocker into the lockers offscreen.]
- Mr. Crocker: That hurts even more!
- Timmy: Awesome! I won the science fair!
- Wanda: Yeah, but you cheated!
- Timmy: Yeah, but I won! Dark powers rock!
- Cosmo: Oh, yeah? Well, you still can't poof Crocker naked!
- Mr. Crocker: [from offscreen] AAH! I'm naked!
- Students: Aaah! [runs away from the nude Crocker]
[Cut to lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Timmy is floating around, still reading the Dark Suit manual.]
- Timmy: Hey, it says I can use my dark powers to win love, too! [sits at the popular kids' table]
- Trixie: Um, why is buck-toothed boy here? Even though he looks kind of cool?
- Timmy: [uses his dark powers to control Trixie] "Hi Timmy. Can I sit next to you?"
- Trixie: Hi Timmy. Can I sit next to you?
- Timmy: "I'm going to kiss you now!"
- Trixie: I'm going to kiss you now! [grabs Timmy's face and starts kissing him]
- Timmy: Huh-hey! [enjoys the kisses]
- Wanda: Ohh, I think we're in trouble now.
[Cut to Timmy's house. Timmy enters to see his mom and dad on motorcycles.]
- Mr. Turner: Here's a quiz: what happened to a chunk of your college fund?
- Timmy: Uh, you bought motorcycles?
- Mrs. Turner: Oooh, he is smart! No wonder he got a scholarship.
- Mr. Turner: And now that we're going out to have fun at your expense, we want you to have fun too with Vicky!
[All of a sudden, Vicky cuts a portion of the wall out with a chainsaw and laughs maniacally.]
- Mr. Turner: I always wanted a door there. And fat hogs! Bye, scholarship boy!
[Mr. and Mrs. Turner drive their motorcycles out the new hole in the wall.]
- Vicky: Okay, twerp! Whaddya say we have FUN tonight?!? [runs chainsaw menacingly]
- Timmy: [uses his dark powers to control Vicky and make her calmly bring him a cup of cocoa] "Here's your cocoa, Timmy!"
- Vicky: Here's your cocoa, Timmy! [puts down cocoa and picks up a frying pan]
- Timmy: "I'm going to hit myself with this frying pan now."
- Vicky: I'm going to hit myself with this frying pan now. [beats her face in with the kitchenware]
- Wanda: Okay, it's been twenty-four hours. Time to take off the dark suit, give it back, and say good-bye to Dark Laser.
- Timmy: But Timmy likes dark powers. DARK POWERS are COOOOL. [sadistically watches and enjoys Vicky violently beating herself up with the frying pan]
- Wanda: Yeah, well, Timmy has got to choose right now which powers he prefers.
- Cosmo: Yeah! Do you want dark powers that will last forever and give you the ability to rule the universe and everything in it, or totally lame fairy powers that are limited and will last five more years tops?!
- Wanda: ... "I'm going to hit myself with this frying pan now."
- Cosmo: I'm going to hit myself with this frying pan now! [beats own face with frying pan] Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Cut to the Death Ball, where Timmy's graduation ceremony is being held.]
- Dark Laser: Congratulations, Timmy. [hands Timmy a diploma] And now your first act as the only graduate of Darkmouth University is to destroy the Earth!
- Timmy: YES, MY LORD.
- Dark Laser: Okay. Just press the button and Earth goes bye-bye. Ahehahhwahoohaha!
- Wanda: Timmy, you can't destroy the Earth! Think about all the people!
- Cosmo: Yeah! Think about your parents, who spent your college money on fat hogs and don't get concerned when Vicky shows up with chainsaws! ... [beats self-up with frying pan]
- Wanda: Think about Cosmo, Poof, and me!
[Timmy puts his hand over the button.]
- Wanda: Timmy don't do it!
- Timmy: I...I... I won't! And I told you I'd never join you, Dark Laser. [rips out the "Destroy Earth" button]
- Dark Laser: Anger...
- Timmy: You promised to never attack the Earth again if I returned the suit, and here it is. [holds up suit]
- Dark Laser: There's one more thing about dark powers I forgot to mention--you can lie your evil butt off! Tell him, Flipsie! [toy dog flips over once] Gasp!
[Timmy slips the dark suit back on.]
- Robot: Now he's got dark powers AND his green, pink, and purple entities.
- Dark Laser: Yeah, I probably should have taken the suit back before I threatened him, but... BLAST HIM!
[Cosmo, Wanda, Timmy, and Poof attack Dark Laser's robot army. Dark Laser grabs the "Destroy Earth" button Timmy ripped out earlier and reconnects it to the machine.]
[Several robots gain on Poof.]
- Robot: You're all finished, kid.
[Poof transforms into a humongous bazooka and aims at the robots.]
- Robots: Aaaah! [locks themselves up in a cage]
- Dark Laser: Timmy Turner, you may have defeated my army, but you can't save your world. Right, Flipsie? Hooahhaha! [pushes button, which promptly fires a laser toward Earth]
- Timmy: Ugh. I wish the laser was in reverse.
- Dark Laser: Man, I hate that kid.
- Timmy: And I wish we were back home!
[Cut to Timmy's room, where Timmy and his fairies are watching the colorful destruction of the Death Ball.]
- Wanda: I'm proud of you, sport! I really thought we lost you.
- Timmy: Are you crazy? I would never get rid of you guys. But I guess I should get rid of this suit.
- Cosmo: One suit-shredder wish coming up! [poofs up a suit shredder]
[Before Timmy is able to shred the dark suit, Timmy hears a honk outside. He sees his parents driving a boat on the road.]
- Mr. Turner: Timmy, check out our new boat!
- Mrs. Turner: We're going to take it to the lake with our new burly biker friends!
- Biker Friends: Hi, Timmy!
- Mr. Turner: But don't worry. We got Vicky to keep you company!
[Cut to Vicky slicing a portion of Timmy's bedroom wall with a chainsaw.]
- Timmy: Nothing's saying I can't hold onto this suit for emergencies, right?
- Vicky: I'M BAAAAAAACK!!!!!
- Timmy: "I'm going to flush my head in the toilet now!"
- Vicky: I'm going to flush my head in the toilet now! [walks into Timmy's bathroom and flushes her head in the toilet offscreen]
- Timmy: Well, I don't like dark powers, but I do love me this suit!
[As the screen irises out, Crocker appears out of nowhere and grabs the iris.]
- Mr. Crocker: I'M STILL NAKED!