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Transcripts

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Super Zero" from Season 7, which aired on October 1, 2009.


Script[]

[FADE IN: INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - DAY CLOSE ON - WANDA and TIMMY, who wear SURGICAL MASKS and SCRUBS as they appear to be doing surgery. We hear a life support system BEEPING. It gets progressively louder.]

  • Wanda: Sponge. (Timmy hands her a sponge) Powder. (Timmy hands her powder) Clothespin.

[Timmy puts a CLOTHESPIN on Wanda’s nose, as we reveal they’re changing POOF’s diaper. The loud beeping makes Wanda wince. WIDEN to see: COSMO BEEPING loudly in Wanda’s ear.]

  • Wanda: Cosmo! What are you doing?
  • Cosmo: I’m helping - duh.
  • Wanda: If you wanna help, help us change Poof’s diaper.
  • Cosmo: Okay! I’ll change it to a puppy! (raises his wand and changes Poof into a WOLVERINE, which leaps on Timmy with a snarl)
  • Timmy: That’s a wolverine!
  • Cosmo: Silly Timmy. This is a wolverine. (poofs up an “ELECTRIC WALRUS” and fires ELECTRICITY from its flippers, zaps Wanda and Timmy and trashes the room)
  • Timmy: Aaah! That’s an electric walrus!
  • Cosmo: Well, they both start with a “K”.
  • Wanda: That’s it! Cosmo, go sit in the corner where you can’t do anymore damage.
  • Cosmo: (sits on a STOOL in the corner and notices a NAIL sticking out of corner of the baseboard) Ooh! I can add this to my loose nail collection.

[Cosmo pulls the nail out. EXT. TURNER HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The house collapses. Wanda and Timmy are under a huge PILE OF RUBBLE. Poof floats next to them in a new diaper.]

  • Wanda: Cosmo! You’re not helping! Just go!
  • Cosmo: Fine. I can take a hint. I don’t need a house to fall on me.
  • Timmy: It fell on us!
  • Cosmo: Whatever, Mr. Lint-picker.
  • Wanda: You mean nit-picker!
  • Cosmo: There you go again. Come on, Poof! (poofs out with Poof)

[EXT. PARK - DAY Cosmo poofs Poof onto one end of a SEESAW.]

  • Cosmo: Well, at least we’re away from those lint-pickers. Now how about a super-fun seesaw partner? (raises his wand and A BLUE WHALE falls from the sky and lands on the seesaw across from Poof, shooting him upwards) Whoa. That’s one big chicken. I’ll save you, Poof! (flies after Poof, who bounces harmlessly off of BUILDINGS and a SMOKESTACK)

[Cosmo follows, toppling the smokestack. SMOKE billows. Cosmo blindly flies into a CLOTHESLINE. He gets tangled in UNDERWEAR and a TOWEL. ANGLE ON - CHET UBETCHA reporting.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: Chet Ubetcha with the weather report. It’s raining babies. (opens an UMBRELLA)

[Cosmo, now wearing an UNDERWEAR MASK and TOWEL CAPE, swoops in and heroically grabs Poof.]

  • Cosmo: (offscreen) Gotcha!
  • Chet Ubetcha: Well, stick me in a dress and call me Sally! A floating something just saved that baby. It looks like Dimmsdale has its very own superhero! Who are you, masked something?

[PEOPLE crowd around as CAMERAS push in.]

  • Cosmo: (nervously to Poof) Uh-oh! Fairies aren’t supposed to reveal their existence.
  • Chet Ubetcha: Well? Tell us your name! world wants to know!
  • Cosmo: Uh...It’s not Cosmo.
  • Chet Ubetcha: Don’t you mean...“Super Not-Cosmo”?
  • Cosmo: Okay! COSMO The...
  • Chet Ubetcha: People of Dimmsdale, let’s hear it for Super Not-Cosmo!

[The crowd of people <CHEER> and <APPLAUD>. Lying on his side, the whale <CLAPS> his flippers. Cosmo beams, feeling proud. INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - MINUTES LATER The house has been totally rebuilt. as Wanda hammers it into the wall.]

  • Timmy: (holds a final nail) There. The house is good as new. It’s like Cosmo was never here.
  • Super Not-Cosmo: (bursts through the wall superhero-style, holding Poof) Greetings, citizens of Timmy’s room!
  • Wanda: Cosmo, what are you talking about? And why are you wearing someone else's underwear?
  • Super Not-Cosmo: Who’s this “Cosmo” you speak of? I’m Super Not-Cosmo. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in the bathroom. I mean, my super secret lair. (exits to the bathroom offscreen, then reenters) I mean, the bathroom. (steps back into the bathroom and SLAMS the door shut offscreen) Fools! They fell for my clever disguise.
  • Timmy: (sits on his bed and said to Wanda) If he wants to be a superhero, let him. He’s not hurting anyone.

[A cat meows]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: (offscreen) A cat’s in trouble! To the Super Not-Cosmo Copter!

[One end of Timmy’s bed suddenly springs up, smashing him against the wall. Cosmo flies a MINI-HELICOPTER from a secret passageway under the bed and rockets out the window. EXT. OLD WOMAN’S YARD - DAY An OLD WOMAN looks at a CAT <MEOWING> in a high branch of a TREE.]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: (flies the Cosmo Copter) Super Not-Cosmo to the rescue! (extends a MECHANICAL CLAW from his Cosmo Copter, snatches the cat and hands it to the old lady.) Here you go, really old lady! You and your kitty are happily reunited!
  • The Old Lady: It’s not my cat!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: No need to thank me! Seeing you two together is my reward. (flies off)
  • Chet Ubetcha: (on the scene) Well, stick me in a kilt and call me Sally! Super Not-Cosmo has saved the day again!

[BEHIND CHET - The cat clings to the old lady’s face.]

  • The Old Lady: Oh, please get off!

[An image of Super Not-Cosmo’s face in his underpants mask spins, TRANSITIONING to: INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - DAY Wanda poofs out of the FISH BOWL holding Poof.]

  • Wanda: You know, sport, with Cosmo off doing his superhero stuff, I’m really getting a lot more done. I wrote a rock opera and taught the electric walrus to river dance. (the walrus dances)
  • Timmy: (sitting on his bed with a BAG OF GOLD) And I had time to clean out my sock drawer. I found a bag of gold!
  • Man: (offscreen) Help! The dam is bursting!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: (offscreen) To the Super Not-Cosmo Car!

[Timmy’s bed flies up again, smashing him into the ceiling. Cosmo drives out from under Timmy’s bed in a tricked out SUPER-HERO CAR. Super Not-Cosmo SPINNING TRANSITION TO: EXT. DIMMSDALE DAM - CONTINUOUS A CRACK forms in a huge DAM, which starts to leak.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: (reports from the scene) Chet Ubetcha with a special bulletin. The Dimmsdale Dam is breaking! In other news, I didn’t even know we had a dam!

[Cosmo zooms in driving the Cosmo Car. Two MECHANICAL ARMS shoot out of the car and place a GIANT BAND-AID over the crack.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: Well, stick me in a wet suit and call me Aqua Sally! Super Not-Cosmo, thanks for saving us again!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: You betcha, Aqua Sally!

[Super Not-Cosmo SPINNING TRANSITION TO: INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - NEXT DAY Timmy, Wanda and Poof, in a HIGH CHAIR sit at a banquet table eating a FEAST. They are dressed as ENGLISH ARISTOCRATS with POWDERED WIGS.]

  • Wanda: I say, Timmy, life is so much more civilized with Cosmo not around.
  • Timmy: Quite right, Wanda. Oh Jeeves, may I have some more Beef Wellington? (The Walrus dressed as a BUTLER offers Timmy BEEF WELLINGTON) What shall we do until the next fox hunt?
  • Wanda: I don’t know. I dare say without Cosmo around, perhaps we have too much free time on our hands.
  • Timmy: Well, this superhero nonsense can’t last forever. With any luck, Cosmo’s over it by now.
  • Woman: (offscreen) Help! The volcano’s erupting!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: (offscreen) To the Super Not-Cosmo-Sub!

[Timmy jerks his chair away from his bed. But this time the bed flips open sideways, smashing Timmy in his chair. Cosmo shoots from under the bed in a MINI-SUB. EXT. MOUNT SAINT DIMMSDALE VOLCANO - DAY LAVA bubbles up from a huge VOLCANO.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: (reports) Chet Ubetcha here at the Dimmsdale Volcano, which is right next to the dam I never knew we had! I have really got to get out more! Is there anyone who can help? Say it with me people!
  • Crowd: Super Not-Cosmo! Super Not-Cosmo!

[In his Cosmo-Sub, Cosmo flies to the top of the volcano. Two giant mechanical arms extend from the sub and stick a CORK in the volcano. Everyone <CHEERS>. Cosmo zooms off in his Sub.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: Come back soon, Super Not-Cosmo! This is Chet Ubetcha saying, gosh, I like that guy.

[Super Not-Cosmo SPINNING TRANSITION TO: INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - LATER Timmy, Wanda and Poof still sit at the banquet table dressed as English nobility.]

  • Wanda: ...So I asked the Duke of Cornwall, “Do you really have a wall made of corn?”
  • Timmy: Wanda, don’t take this the wrong way, but without Cosmo around you’ve become a crashing bore.
  • Wanda: Oh really? Well, take that. (hurls MASHED POTATOES at Timmy)

[Timmy hurls a CHUNK OF BEEF back at her, accidentally splattering Poof. Poof fills his mouth with PEAS and fires at Timmy and Wanda. Super Not-Cosmo bursts through the wall, his arms extends and knocks Timmy and Wanda down.]

  • Wanda: Cosmo, I’m glad you’re back!
  • Timmy: Why don’t you hang out for a while. You can help me throw scones at Wanda. (Wanda hits Timmy with a slab of Beef Wellington)
  • Super Not-Cosmo: I’m afraid I don’t have time. I need to use the bathroom where my superhero lair is not. (floats into the bathroom and shuts the door)
  • Timmy: Cosmo!

[Wanda, Timmy and Poof follow and open the door to reveal: INT. TIMMY’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS The room is a huge CAVE with CRYSTAL SPIKES everywhere, high tech COMPUTERS and a TOILET.]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: Aah! How did you guys discover my secret lair? You guys must be criminal masterminds!
  • Timmy: What is all this stuff?
  • Super Not-Cosmo: My super crime fighting computer, my super crime fighting toilet, and of course, my faithful butler, Wolfie. (Wolfie the wolverine, crawls up, growling, with a tray strapped to his back and he sips tea) He may have tried to eat me in my sleep, but at least he never told me to go sit in the corner.
  • Wanda: Cosmo, we’re sorry about that. But we miss you.
  • Timmy: Yeah, and it’s boring without you around.
  • Super Not-Cosmo: Sorry, but the people of Dimmsdale need me. (points to the skylight and offscreen) Look! It’s the Super Not-Cosmo signal! Someone’s in trouble!

[Timmy and Wanda look up to see the Super Not-Cosmo's face silhouette in the sky. They look back to Cosmo, who is shining the signal with a FLASHLIGHT.]

  • Timmy: You’re signaling yourself!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: Maybe... or maybe that’s what the criminals want you to think! Anyway, it’s only a matter of time before someone needs my help.
  • Chet Ubetcha: (offscreen) Help me, Super Not-Cosmo!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: I’m coming, Sally! (rockets through the wall, cornering Timmy and Wanda)

[EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - DAY Chet Ubetcha stands in a parking lot with a SHOPPING BAG.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: I’m at the mall and I can’t remember where I parked my car! Is there anyone who can help me?
  • Super Not-Cosmo: (swoops in and scoops up Chet) I’ll save you, Sally! You can see the whole parking lot from here.
  • Chet Ubetcha: Thank you, Super Not-Cosmo! (clings to Cosmo as they soar into the sky above the MALL.)

[They fly together, passing Downtown Dimmsdale. Chet sees the Band-Aid pop off the Dimmsdale Dam. The dam breaks, flooding the town.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: Oh no! It appears the dam I didn’t know we had has burst! (sees the giant cork pop off the volcano as lava blasts out and flows down toward the city) More bad news! The volcano next to the dam I didn’t know we had has erupted!

[Wolverine GROWLS as PEOPLE <FLEE IN TERROR> from lava and the flood. Chet listens to incoming news though his EAR PIECE.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: This just in! The cat rescued by Super Not-Cosmo was in fact the rare, Dimmsdale tree cat! When removed from its tree, it attacks anything that’s running and screaming!

[ON THE CAT - As it <HISSES> and leaps onto the heads of running, screaming citizens, leaving them completely bald, scalped, and covered in scratches. BACK TO - Chet reporting.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: Ladies and gentlemen, it appears Super Not-Cosmo is a super zero!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: (still holding Chet) Well, at least I saved that cat.
  • Chet Ubetcha: Everything he’s done has backfired! In this reporter’s opinion, Super Not-Cosmo should sit in the corner!

[As Cosmo looks down he sees an ANGRY MOB below.]

  • Citizens: Sit in the corner! Sit in the corner! Sit in the corner!
  • Super Not-Cosmo: Wanda and Timmy were right. I’m nothing but trouble. There’s your car, Sally. (drops Chet into the volcano and he screams. Up above, he scribbles a NOTE, folds it into a PAPER AIRPLANE, then throws it. He sadly floats off)

[INT. TIMMY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Timmy, Wanda and Poof watch the disaster on TV.]

  • Wanda: Whoa. This is bad even for Cosmo.
  • Timmy: I wish the town was back to normal.

[Wanda waves her wand and Poof! The dam seals, the volcano stops erupting, the cat returns to its tree. Cosmo’s paper airplane flies through the window.]

  • Wanda: (reads the paper) “Dear Family, I’m going away forever. Or three weeks. Whichever comes first.”

[Poof looks on sadly]

  • Timmy: Don’t worry, Poof! We’ll find him!

[EXT. DIMMSDALE HIGHWAY - SUNRISE Cosmo sadly floats out of town with his STICK, as Wolfie walks next to him with the TEA SET on his back. As Cosmo speaks, he obliviously passes crimes happening all around him: BANDITS holding up a TRAIN; BANDITS using a BATTERING RAM to break down the door of a BANK.]

  • Cosmo: Let’s face it, Wolfie. This town never needed a superhero anyway. It’s the safest place on earth.

[EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS Timmy, Wanda and Poof look for Cosmo.]

  • Timmy and Wanda: Cosmo?
  • Poof: Da-da...
  • Wanda: We’ve searched the whole town and there’s still no sign of Cosmo. What are we gonna do?
  • Timmy: Well, Cosmo felt needed as a superhero. So we need to make him feel needed again. I know! If we wanna bring him back, we need to create a super villain!

[Wanda nods and raises her wand. EXT. DIMMSDALE MAIN STREET - MOMENTS LATER The Milkman lumbers down the street. Timmy controls The Milkman with a REMOTE, creating a booming voice through a mic. Wanda and Poof float by Timmy’s side.]

  • The Milkman: I am Milkman, delivering destruction in three flavors - regular, chocolate and delicious holiday eggnog!
  • Mr. Turner: Did someone say eggnog?

(blasts PEOPLE with milk)

  • Wanda: Milkman? What kind of super villain is that?
  • Timmy: The lamest one I could think of. Which makes him perfect for Cosmo!

[Poof shines the Cosmo signal into the sky.]

  • Cosmo: (sees the Super Not-Cosmo signal and turns to Wolfie) Could it be, Wolfie? Do the people of Dimmsdale really need me? (Wolfie growls) I don’t speak Spanish, but I’ll take that as a yes. Super Not-Cosmo to the rescue! (rips his clothes into his COSTUME)

[EXT. DIMMSDALE MAIN STREET - SECONDS LATER The Milkman continues blasting milk at people, who just stand there scratching their heads. The Milkman stumbles into a TELEPHONE WIRE, shorting himself out. He turns his milk cannons toward Timmy, Wanda and Poof and fires milk at them. A blast of milk knocks Wanda’s wand and Timmy’s remote out of their hands.]

  • Timmy: Uh-oh. This wasn’t part of the plan!

[Timmy, Wanda and Poof flee from the The Milkman.]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: (flies in heroically) This is a job for Super Not-Cosmo! Leave my family alone, Mail Man!

[The Milkman aims his milk cannons at Cosmo.]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: Super Cork power! (poofs into his Cosmo Sub, and plugs the cannons with corks) Super bandage power! (poofs into his Cosmo Car and cuffs The Milkman’s ankles with a bandage, causing him to trip)

[The Milkman falls to the ground and EXPLODES as milk pours everywhere.]

  • Super Not-Cosmo: And now to clean up this mess: Here kitty, kitty...

[The tree dwelling cat leaps into view and begins lapping up the milk. Everyone <CHEERS>.]

  • Chet Ubetcha: This is Sally Ubetcha with breaking news: Super Not-Cosmo isn’t a super zero after all!

[INT. COSMO’S BATHROOM LAIR - LATER Timmy and his fairies are back together again as Cosmo, wears his superhero costume.]

  • Timmy: You saved us, Super Not-Cosmo. really are a superhero. You Cosmo still
  • Cosmo: Trouble is, lately I haven’t been a super dad, a super husband, a super godparent or a even a supermarket. (poofs off his costume and poofs the lair back into Timmy’s bathroom) My superhero days are over. Fighting bad guys like The Mail Man was cool, but I’d rather be with you guys: my family.
  • Wanda: Speaking of helping, how about changing Poof’s diaper?
  • Cosmo: What should I change it to? know! A bunny! (poofs up a PTERODACTYL, which carries Poof and Timmy out of the room)
  • Wanda: (screams and changes into a super hero outfit) Wanda Woman to the rescue! (flies after the pterodactyl carrying Poof and Timmy)

[As Wanda chases Poof, Timmy and the pterodactyl through the sky, the scene iris to black and the episode ends.]


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