Poltergeeks/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Poltergeeks"
Season	7
Episode	114B
Airdate	August 15, 2011
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Poltergeeks" from Season 7, which aired on August 15, 2011.

Transcript

[Fade in on Dimmsdale at night. Mr. Turner is in traffic]

Mr. Turner: Driving home from my boring job... in my boring car... past boring scenery... past a giant boring lizard eating a boring bus.

[The lizard breaks the bus in half, making the passengers scream. Cut to Mr. Turner entering his kitchen]

Mr. Turner: What's for boring dinner?

Mrs. Turner: Boring roast boar.

Timmy: Well, I'm not bored. I'm starved. [prepares to eat the boar]

Boar: Ah, you guys are boring.

[The boar jumps out the window and walks away. Timmy's stomach rumbles]

Timmy: Man, I need food. And you two need some excitement in your lives. [leaves]

[The lizard breaks through the wall and roars]

Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Boring!

[The lizard becomes sad. Cut to Timmy's room]

Timmy: Guys, my mom got too bored to feed me again. Can somebody poof me up a submarine sandwich?

Cosmo: On it! [poofs up a sandwich made with a submarine] Mmm! Atomic sub!

Wanda: Don't even think about it, Cosmo! When you eat before bed, you get a stomachache and you sleep-float.

Cosmo: Oh, Wanda! You always know what's best for me! If only I'd listen! [laughs]

[Cosmo rapidly eats the sandwich. A periscope comes out of his ear]

Submarine Captain: [offscreen] Dive! Dive! Release depth charge!

[There is an explosion in Cosmo's stomach]

Cosmo: It's attacking the Japanese food I had earlier.

Wanda: Don't say I didn't warn you, Cosmo.

[Timmy's stomach rumbles again]

Timmy: Um, Wanda? Some food?

Wanda: Aw, no, thanks. I already ate.

[Wanda poofs Cosmo, Poof, and herself away, to Timmy's disappointment. Fade to later in the night. Timmy is chewing on his pillow, and the fairies are sleeping under blankets in their fishbowl. Cosmo moans, floats out of the bowl, and changes back to fairy form]

Cosmo: Tummy hurts. [his blanket covers him] Japanese food... should... surrender. [floats away]

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner hear Cosmo's moaning from their bed]

Mr. Turner: What was that?

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner go to the hallway, see Cosmo, and scream]

Timmy: Oh, no! Cosmo! Uh, Mom, Dad, I can explain!

Mr. Turner: It's a ghost! With a periscope in his ear! [he and his wife scream and zip to their room]

Timmy: A ghost? Okay, let's go with that. But don't worry! I bet his ghost wife is coming to drag him back to the fishbowl! I mean, back to the underwater realm of the undead!

[Wanda and Poof show up, also covered by their blankets]

Wanda: [moans] Sorry! I told this idiot ghost not to eat that sandwich! [starts dragging Cosmo away]

Poof: Poof pooooof!

Mrs. Turner: Our house is haunted? Do you know what this means?

Mr. Turner: It means we're no longer bored! And better still, it means it's time for...

Mr. and Mrs. Turner: The Poltergeeks!

Timmy: The Polter-whats?

Mrs. Turner: Oh, Timmy, before you were born, your father and I led an exciting life as ghost hunters!

Mr. Turner: [putting a videotape in a VCR] Eeh! Check out this cool VHS tape from the '80s!

[Chet Ubetcha, dressed like Michael Jackson, appears on a TV screen]

Chet Ubetcha: I'm expert break-dancer and rookie reporter Chet Ubetcha saying, our town has been destroyed by self-proclaimed ghost hunters who call themselves...

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner, wearing jumpsuits, appear on the TV]

Mr. and Mrs. Turner: The Poltergeeks!

Chet: Tell us, Poltergeeks, have you ever caught a real ghost?

Mrs. Turner: Not technically. You see, we find a house we think is haunted, then we just blow it up!

Mr. Turner: After all, you can't have a haunted house if you don't have a house!

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner fire proton pack–like devices at Mr. Bickles's house, making him scream and destroying the house]

Mrs. Turner: Enjoy your ghost-free house!

Mr. Bickles: I didn't have a ghost!

Mr. Turner: You're welcome!

Chet: Without ever catching a single ghost, the Poltergeeks have destroyed every house in Dimmsdale! So, I've brought an angry mob to run these polterfakes out of town!

Mr. Turner: No need to thank us!

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner are running away from Chet and the mob. The TV screen turns to static]

Timmy: Chet Ubetcha ran you outta town?

Mr. Turner: Well, across town. We moved from one side of Dimmsdale to the other. We even had to change our names. I used to be called Mom!

Mrs. Turner: And I used to be called Barnaby!

Timmy: So, since ghost hunting ruined your lives once, you're not crazy enough to try it again and ruin my life, right?

Mr. Turner: We're exactly that crazy, Timmy! There are ghosts here, so we better blow up the house right away! [to his wife] I'll get the ghost blasters, you get our totally unnecessary super-tight jumpsuits!

Timmy: Whoa, hey! Have you guys ever tried catching a ghost?

Mr. Turner: Hmm... Can we still wear the jumpsuits?

Timmy: Uh, sure?

Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Yay!

Mr. Turner: Let's go, Barnaby! [they run off]

[Cut to Wanda burping Cosmo in Timmy's room. He burps up a torpedo and it explodes]

Timmy: Guys, help! My parents are going to blow up the house unless they catch some ghosts! Please play along!

Wanda: You got it! Three ghosts coming up! [turns Cosmo, Poof, and herself into ghosts]

Cosmo: Ah! Where are my feet? How am I going to finish my toe lint sculpture?

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner burst into the room in their jumpsuits]

Mr. Turner: Looking good, Barnaby! [his belly bulges out of his suit] Well, no ghosts here! Fire when ready!

Timmy: Whoa, Dad! The ghosts are right there! Catch 'em!

Mr. Turner: Eeh, with what?

Mrs. Turner: [looking at her ghost blaster] These only blow things up.

Timmy: Why don't you just suck them into the ghost containment unit I wish you had?

[Wanda grants the wish. Timmy turns on the unit]

Mr. Turner: Ooh, fancy!

Cosmo: [as he, Wanda, and Poof float toward the unit] Oooooh! We're about to get sucked into a trap with great drama and ghostly noises! [they are sucked in] Oooooh!

Timmy: [quickly] Wow, look at that! You two finally caught some ghosts! Yawn. Well, I'm bushed. Good night!

Mrs. Turner: Are you crazy?

Mr. Turner: Not according to the court-appointed psychiatrist.

Mrs. Turner: Now that we have a fancy ghost-sucking device, we're going to hunt ghosts all over Dimmsdale!

Mr. Turner: To the station wagon in our driveway! [the two leave]

[The fairies appear shaped like boxes]

Cosmo: The box was cramped, but on the bright side, we've never been closer as a family.

Timmy: Uh, about that, guys, if my parents can't catch more ghosts, they'll start blowing up houses again, so I need you to haunt every house in town.

Wanda: Are you crazy?

Cosmo: Not according to the court-appointed psychiatrist.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Turner driving. A doorbell rings, and the door is opened, revealing Mr. and Mrs. Turner]

Mrs. Turner: Is your house haunted?

Bickles: No! There were no ghosts before, and there are no ghosts now!

[Bickles hears moaning, turns around, and screams, seeing the fairies as monstrous ghosts. Mrs. Turner uses the unit to catch them]

Bickles: Good gravy, thanks for catching all these ghosts I never knew I had! [giving Mr. Turner a wad of money] Please take this as a token of my appreciation.

Mr. Turner: Ooh! Let's go see who else appreciates us!

[Batman-style transition to Mrs. Turner kicking a door open. The fairies come out of a kitchen sink as shark and octopus' ghosts and moan. Mrs. Turner catches them, and Principal Waxelplax presents the Poltergeeks money. Transition to Mrs. Turner kicking another door open. The fairies are hanging on a chandelier as bats. The unit is thrown onto the chandelier and sucks them in. Trying to pull the unit back makes the chandelier fall on the Poltergeeks, who scream. A man presents them money. Transition to them catching the fairies more and getting more money. They pull up in front of the Crockers' house with their car full of dollar bills]

Mrs. Turner: Should we look for ghosts in Mr. Crocker's house?

Timmy: Nah. Just blow it up.

Mr. Turner: Yay!

[The Poltergeeks blow up the house, and the Crockers go flying and scream. Fade to the Turners' house, which is overflowing with money]

Timmy: [slides down a fire pole] Woo-hoo!

Mr. Turner: "Wahoo" is right, Timmy! Barnaby and I have never been less bored!

Mrs. Turner: Or richer! [a dollar bill comes out of Mr. Turner's nose]

Mr. Turner: Now I can throw money at all my problems! [throws money at Dinkleberg]

Dinkleberg: Ah! Thanks, Turner!

Mr. Turner: [angrily] Dinkleberg. [a bill comes out of his ear]

[The fairies appear cramped into the shape of a cube]

Wanda: Glad you're having fun, sport, but we're sick of spending every night getting sucked into a box.

Cosmo: It used to be fun. Now it just feels like work.

Timmy: But my folks love being ghost hunters. Now everyone believes in them.

Chet: [kicks the door open] This is Chet Ubetcha saying, I don't believe in you! I'm going to expose you on TV as the total phonies you are!

Mr. Turner: Oh, yeah? [he throws a wad of cash at Chet, but it bounces off his head] Eh, he's not going away, Barnaby. We're not phonies! We've caught tons of ghosts!

Chet: I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes!

Timmy: Then meet us at the spooky old, abandoned mansion I wish was up on the hill!

[The fairies grant the wish. Cut to Chet standing outside the mansion]

Chet: This is Chet Ubetcha's live worldwide broadcast outside the mysterious McCreepy Mansion. And here come the polterfrauds now.

[The Poltergeeks pull up in their car, which now resembles the Ecto-1. Its scissor doors open, and people gasp. The Poltergeeks get out of the car, and people photograph them]

Mr. Turner: Looking good, Barnaby! [his belly bulges out of his suit] Timmy! Help unload our new ghost-hunting equipment!

Timmy: New ghost-hunting equipment?

Mr. Turner: Yeah! We bought it from Mr. Crocker after we blew up his house!

Timmy: Mr. Crocker?

[Mr. Turner is holding a device labeled "Ghost Catcher". The label reading "Ghost" falls off, revealing "Fairy" underneath]

Timmy: Oh, no! It's Mr. Crocker's fairy-hunting equipment! Now my parents can really catch Cosmo and Wanda! I got to warn them!

Mr. Turner: [grabs Timmy] Hang on, son! You're the ghost bait! [smearing him with peanut butter] Everyone knows ghosts love kids covered in peanut butter! [throws money onto him] And money! [drops him]

Timmy: [runs to the mansion] Guys, where are you?

Cosmo: Look, I'm a California ghost! Duuude! [sniffs] Ooh! Peanut butter and cash! My two favorite things!

Timmy: [as Cosmo moans] Cosmo, this isn't a joke this time!

Mr. Turner: [shouts] That monster! Stay away from my money!

[Mr. Turner uses the Fairy Catcher to paralyze Cosmo, who screams. Mrs. Turner uses a new containment unit to catch Cosmo]

Cosmo: Uh-oh! [struggles] I can't poof out!

Poof: [behind a chandelier] Dada? [disappears]

[Timmy runs through a library, and Wanda, a banshee, moans at him]

Wanda: [sniffs] Hey, are you wearing peanut butter and money?

Timmy: You got to hide!

[Mrs. Turner breaks in and paralyzes and Wanda. Wanda is caught]

Wanda: Oh, no! I can't get out!

Poof: [behind a bust] Mama!

Mr. Turner: Excellent bait skills, money! I mean, Timmy! Now to shred these ghosts on live TV in my brand-new specter shredder!

[Mr. Turner uses a remote to turn on the Ghost Chipper outside. A label reading "Ghost" peels off the side of the chipper, revealing the word "Fairy"]

Timmy: "Fairy Chipper"?

Mr. Turner: Yeah! Mr. Crocker threw that in as a bonus! Come on! Let's show Chet some spooky specters! [he and Mrs. Turner head outside]

Timmy: Wait! [falls through the floor]

[Poof watches the Poltergeeks. Mrs. Turner kicks part of the mansion fence off and steps onto the sidewalk through the gap]

Mrs. Turner: Ghosts are real! See for yourself!

Mr. Turner: As we say in the ghost business, Chet: Told you so! Now to chip them up and sell them as haunted lawn mulch!

[Mr. Turner puts Cosmo and Wanda in the chipper. Poof watches as Cosmo and Wanda are pushed toward the saws, and his eyes fill with tears]

Timmy: Mom, Dad, wait!

[Cosmo's sunglasses fall off and are shredded. Poof stops crying and turns into a giant ghost and roars. People run away screaming]

Mr. Turner: Everyone, quick, throw money at it! [people take his money, and he, Mrs. Turner, and Chet run away screaming]

Poof: [knocks the mansion away] Mama! Dada!

[Poof breaks Cosmo and Wanda out of the chipper and hugs them. He looks at the chipper and tosses it away. The Poltergeeks get in their car with Chet, and just as the car's doors close, the chipper falls on it, and the Poltergeeks scream]

Chet: [gets out of the car] This is Chet Ubetcha saying, I'm sorry I doubted you, Poltergeeks! In related news: ow!

[Mr. Turner, whose back is arched backward, gets out of the car]

Mr. Turner: Being boring was way less painful.

[With a flash, the scene match cuts to an X-ray of Mr. Turner. He and Mrs. Turner are in a hospital room and wearing casts]

Mrs. Turner: So boring in the hospital.

Mr. Turner: And expensive.

[A doctor leaves with a wheelbarrow filled with money. Timmy enters carrying the fairies in their fishbowl]

Timmy: Can I get you two anything?

Mr. Turner: Just keep the ghosts away!

Timmy: I think we can manage that. [leaving the room] They'll be better in no time. [the fairies turn back to normal] Now maybe we can finally get some sleep! And some food!

Cosmo: Good idea! I'm going to have a knuckle sandwich!

[Before Cosmo can eat the sandwich, it punches him. His head gets stuck in the fishbowl, and he lands in front of Mr. and Mrs. Turner]

Mrs. Turner: Ooh, look! A spaceman!

Mr. Turner: Time to restart our other business...

[Mr. and Mrs. Turner rip the casts off, revealing white jumpsuits, and put on air helmets]

Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Hunting aliens! [they turn on their jetpacks]

Mrs. Turner: Should we catch it?

Mr. Turner: No, let's blow it up!

[Cosmo screams and flies out the window, and Mr. Turner shoots at him with a laser]

Cosmo: [screams] Why can't they just throw money at me? [screams]

[Iris out on Cosmo's face. The end title card is shown. Fade to black]

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