[Fade in on the Turners' house in the morning. Timmy is sleeping in his bed, and Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof are sleeping in their castle. Timmy's alarm clock rings, startling them awake, and Cosmo and Wanda poof themselves and Poof out of the fishbowl]
Cosmo and Wanda: Good morning, Timmy!
Timmy: Good mor— [groans from pain and grabs his throat] Ow.
Wanda: What's wrong, sweetie?
Cosmo: Is it Wanda's morning breath? Fear not, I have found the perfect cure! [zaps Wanda's head away]
Wanda: [turns her head back to normal] That wasn't very nice.
Cosmo: Yeah, but that was two seconds of odorless bliss, baby.
Timmy: [groans] My throat hurts!
Wanda: What?! [she makes blaring alarms appear and poofs Poof into a hazmat suit] Hoo, uh, no need to get alarmed! Just got to move Baby Poof to a sterile environment! He shouldn't be exposed to illnesses! [makes a phone call] Hello, Mama Cosma? Can you please... [Mama Cosma appears in an emergency vehicle]
Mama Cosma: Look after my adorable grandson whose thoughtless mother is exposing him to terrible illnesses? [she poofs his rattle into his hand and a pacifier into his mouth] No problem. Ta-ta. [drives away with Poof]
Wanda: ...babysit Poof?
Cosmo: A sore throat? That's awesome, Timmy! You'll have to stay home from school!
Timmy: No, it's terrible! If my mom finds out I have a sore throat, she'll take me to the... [an organ sting plays] doctor! And I'm terrified of the... [an organ sting plays] doctor! [beat] Hey! [Cosmo is playing the organ] Where'd you get the organ?
Cosmo: From an organ donor. [laughs]
Timmy: Just going to... [groans] have to suck it up and go to school. But it won't be so... [groans] bad, right? [Cosmo plays an organ sting. Fade to the Dimmsdale Elementary School playground. Francis presses Timmy into the shape of a ball] Ah... throat sore. Can't yell for help.
Francis: Cat got your tongue, Turner? Well, let's see how many lives you have left. [he launches Timmy with a catapult, and Timmy flies screaming into Mr. Crocker's classroom, hits a wall, and slides to the floor]
Mr. Crocker: Turner! Thirty-second oral report on the history of beef jerky! Go!
Timmy: Beef jerky comes from cows that are real jerks and— [screams in pain]
Crocker: Ha! You can't speak! Looks like it's time to try out my new F blaster! Ha ha! [he fires an F at Timmy, knocking him through a wall and into the auditorium. Timmy sees a banner reading "Musical / North Dakota / Rehearsals today!" A spotlight shines on him]
Timmy: ♪ Nooooorth... Nooorth Dakota, where the cold air goes into my— ♪[gasps]
Mr. Bickles: Timmy Turner! If you can't hit a high C like a real man, then there's no place for you in the school musical! Time to try out my new trap door! [he pulls a rope that opens a trap door below Timmy, who falls screaming and lands on an examination table. A school nurse uses a tongue depressor on him and opens his mouth]
Timmy: Ahh!
School Nurse: I'm calling your parents. You need your tonsils ripped out painfully! [laughs. Fade to Dimmsdale Hospital]
Timmy: I don't want my tonsils out!
Mrs. Turner: Oh, Timmy, don't worry. It'll be fun. And afterwards, you'll get to eat all the ice cream you want.
Mr. Turner: Ooh! Ice cream for tonsils? That's a great deal! Maybe I'll get something removed too! [looks at a menu] Ooh! For my gallbladder, I can get a meatball hero! I better get prepped for surgery! [he runs away and comes back wearing a patient gown that leaves his buttocks exposed in front of the fishbowl Cosmo and Wanda are in]
Cosmo: Ah! [hides behind Wanda] The full moon is out!
Mr. Turner: Come on, honey, let's go find a doctor. I want my hoagie! [he zips away, and Mrs. Turner follows]
Timmy: Listen, I'm not letting some surgeon slice my tonsils out! I'm going to go the quick and painless way! I wish my tonsils were... [gasps] out! [the fairies turn into a human doctor and nurse]
Wanda: Doctor Cosmo and Nurse Wanda reporting for duty! One painless tonsil removal coming right... [Vicky cackles and enters the room]
Vicky: Hello, sicky! I'm Nurse... [plays an ominous organ sting] Vicky!
Timmy: What are you... [gasps] doing here?
Vicky: I love volunteering in places where there's pain. And speaking of pain, let's test your robotronic turbo-automatic hospital bed! [she presses a remote button that makes the bed slam Timmy into the ceiling] Perfect! Okey-dokey, let's get you assigned to a doctor!
Wanda: Hello? He already has a doctor!
Cosmo: I've got a tongue depressor and I'm not afraid to use it! [uses it on himself] Oops! I used it!
Vicky: [looking at a clipboard] Hmm, this says you two are needed... not here! And it's my duty to get you there stat! [she presses a button that makes two wheelchairs pick up the fairies and trap them. They scream as the chairs take them out of the room and crash offscreen] Now, according to your chart, you need a twerp-ectomy!
Timmy: Don't you mean tonsillectomy?
Vicky: No, I mean twerp-ectomy. It's where we remove your tonsils and your will to live!
Mr. Turner: Guess what, Timmy! For a twerp-ectomy, you get five nights in Hawaii! [leaves]
Vicky: And I have just the right specialist in mind! Ladies and germs, please put your diseased hands together for... Dr. Snipowitz! [Snipowitz puts his hands up, revealing sharp implements on his fingers]
Timmy: Dr. Snipowitz? [Vicky plays an ominous organ sting]
Dr. Snipowitz: I used to be a veterinarian, but they told me I was too tough on the animals, so they assigned me to do twerp-ectomies. Now to prep for neutering... I mean, surgery. [picks up a chainsaw and leaves]
Vicky: And I'll get him to the morgue... I mean, operating room. [she presses a button that makes Timmy get strapped to the bed and makes a mechanical arm put tape on his mouth. She cackles as she pushes the bed out of the room and past the fairies]
Timmy: Mmm! Mmm!
Wanda: That's Timmy! Two mmms means he needs help! Come on, Doctor!
Nurse: Doctor, come quickly! We have a patient that's terribly sick! [drags the fairies away. Cut to the three of them looking at an ailing old man in a hospital bed]
Cosmo: Wow, he's disgusting!
Nurse: Doctor, can you do anything?
Cosmo: Me? Oh, yeah, I can do lots of things! I can juggle, make faces, do shadow puppets... [doing one of a dragon] Bow to the pinkie dragon! [the dragon burns the patient's shadow] Ah! I burned myself!
Wanda: What about the patient? [Cosmo zaps the patient with his wand, turning him into a healthy young man]
Sick Guy: I'm cured! It's a miracle! [hugs Cosmo]
Bald Doctor: Was that laser surgery?
Cosmo: Um... yes. I'm the, uh, world's greatest laser surgeon! [he zaps the doctor, giving him long hair]
Bald Doctor: [looks in a mirror] I'm hot again! [a female doctor becomes infatuated with him; to Cosmo] And you're amazing! Come, let us heal more patients! [carries him away. The nurse squeals and runs after him, and Wanda groans and follow. Cut to Vicky cackling as she takes Timmy to the operating room. Snipowitz and Igor brandish their tools. Timmy makes a muffled scream and spits the tape off]
Timmy: Must... avoid... twerp-ectomy! [while trying to get out of the straps, his head knocks the remote out of Vicky's hand, and he catches it and uses it to make the bed release him] Time for a taste of your own medicine! [presses a button that turns the bed into a fighting robot]
Vicky: Wow, that's one cool bed. [the bed swings her into things]
Timmy: Wow, that is one cool bed! Now to find Cosmo and Wanda so I can wish these... [gasps] tonsils out! [Vicky screams as the bed throws her into a wall behind a desk. She presses the alarm button on the desk]
Vicky: [into the P.A. system] Attention, all nurses! Code red! We have a runaway twerp scheduled for a twerp-ectomy! I need him scrubbed, clobbered, and prepped for surgery stat! Oh, and clobbered! [nurses with bandoliers come into a hallway that Timmy runs into]
Timmy: [stopping] Ah! They gotta be in one of these rooms! [a nurse lunges at him and he runs away. He rolls under another nurse and runs into a room] Ah! Chainsaws! [runs under a nurse and into another room] Ah! Giant scorpions! [he screams and runs away before they can sting him] What kind of hospital is this? [runs into another room] Ah! Full moon!
Mr. Turner: Darn it, honey! [he is bending over to look under a blanket and his buttocks are facing Timmy] I know I dropped my footlong around here somewhere! [he and Mrs. Turner leave. Timmy babbles spastically until he bumps into a wheelchair, then gets in the chair and starts propelling himself with it]
Timmy: Where the heck are Cosmo and Wanda? [cut to the fairies running away from the lovestruck nurse]
Wanda: Uh, Dr. Cosmo doesn't really have time for another laser surgery right now. He's scheduled to remove a pink-hatted boy's tonsils.
Cosmo: You're right, Nurse Wanda! And even though I am the world's greatest laser surgeon, Timmy is our main concern! From now on, I will think of nothing else but Timmy Turner! [he and Wanda run into a dark room, and a spotlight shines on them]
Bald Doctor: Doctors, surgeons, proctologists, put your sanitized hands together and give it up for the world's greatest laser surgeon, Dr. Cosmo! [they are in an operation theater. An audience of doctors cheers and applauds]
Cosmo: Wanda, they like me! They really like me!
Wanda: Uh, what about Timmy?
Cosmo: Who? [the doctor rings a bell, and nurses bring four patients]
Bald Doctor: O mighty Dr. Cosmo, can you astound us all once again with your incredible healing powers?
Cosmo: Only if you promise to applaud really loud! [zip to a patient] Open wide... [heals the patient] cured! [the patient taps his new, small nose; to another patient] Open wide... [heals the patient] cured! [to the woman patient] Ham... [puts a pineapple slice on her ham] cured!
Woman: Ah! [takes a bite out of the ham]
Cosmo: [to the last patient, Mr. Crocker] Open wide... cured! [zaps him]
Crocker: Eureka! My back is straight! I'm nimble again! To the candlestick! [he jumps over a candlestick and out a window. He falls offscreen and screams] My back! [the audience cheers and applauds]
Cosmo: Thank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!
Wanda: Cosmo, we've got to find Timmy!
Bald Doctor: And give it up for his amazing, talented, and gorgeous assistant. [the audience cheers and applauds]
Wanda: I'm sure Timmy's fine. [cut to Timmy moving the wheelchair. Vicky sticks her leg out from around a corner, stopping the chair. He flies screaming and lands in front of three nurses]
Vicky: There's no escape, runt! Come with us so we can legally rip your throat out! [Timmy screams and runs into the laser surgery room, where he sees lasers and a sign reading "You're trapped". He sees Vicky come in and take out syringes, then screams and fires a laser gun at her from behind a table. She screams, dives behind a table, and fires a laser at him, then sees someone resembling a Star Wars stormtrooper also firing a laser] Beat it, bub! [kicks the trooper away. She shoots Timmy's gun out of his hands. He screams and runs in circles around her she tries to shoot him] I'm going to do your twerp-ectomy myself! Say goodbye, squirt!
Timmy: Goodbye, squirt! [Vicky has made a hole in the floor around her. She falls screaming into a operation chair and gets strapped to it]
Snipowitz: My twerp-ectomy, right on schedule! Igor, test the patient's bed!
Igor: Yes, master. [presses a button that makes the bed fold and crush Vicky]
Timmy: Now to check outta this crazy hospital! [he makes a hole in a wall with his gun, then runs through it into the theater and jumps onto an operation chair]
Cosmo: Ah, my next patient: disfigured beaver boy! Let's see what I can do about those horrible teeth!
Timmy: Forget it! I wish my... [gasps] tonsils were out! [Cosmo grants the wish] Hey, my throat doesn't hurt! [in a baritone voice]♪ I'm cured! ♪[the audience cheers and applauds, and the fairies hug]
Doctor #1: Dr. Cosmo is amazing!
Doctor #2: He'll change the world!
Doctor #3: And put us all out of business!
Doctors: Let's get him! [Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda scream and run away, and doctors give chase. Timmy and the fairies scream]
Timmy: Cool! I can scream in terror again! [he and Wanda scream]
Cosmo: I don't think I'm cut out for medicine! Maybe I'll open a deli! Cured ham, anyone? [he, Wanda, and Timmy run past Mr. Turner]
Mr. Turner: Ham? I'll give you a gallbladder for it! [iris out on his face. The end title card is shown] I want my hoagie! [fade to black]
