[Fade in the Turners' yard. Timmy tosses up a baseball and hits it with a baseball bat, and it hits his helmet, knocking him over]
Wanda: Oh, Timmy... [the ball hits Cosmo, knocking him out of the air]Poof is really getting his wishing skills down! Go on, wish for something!
Timmy: Okay. I wish I had a baseball.
Wanda: Okay, Poof, wish Timmy up a baseball!
Poof: Poof poof! [poofs up a bowling ball that falls on Timmy]
Cosmo: Aw, he takes after me! [sucks his thumb]
Wanda: Are you okay, sport? [poofs the bowling ball away]
Timmy: [takes his head out of the ground and spits out dirt] I'm great! Not even the crushing pain of a bowling ball could dampen my mood, because today is opening day for my favorite baseball team: the Pirates!
Cosmo: Pirates? I'm scared of pirates! Hooks for hands? Eye patches? Talking parrots?!
Timmy: Not real pirates, Cos-moron. The Dimmsdale Pirates. Roll the footage! [Wanda poofs up a TV showing the Pirates] I'm talking fireworks that explode after a home run!
Cosmo and Poof: Ooh... ahh...
Timmy: A parrot mascot that fires T-shirts into the crowd! And hot dogs!
Cosmo: Ooh! Then take us out to the ball game! [poofs up a big hot dog]
Timmy: We'll all go just as soon as my baseball-loving mom and dad come get me! [bats the baseball into his helmet]
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: [offscreen] Oh, Timmy! [the fairies and the hot dog poof away. The fairies appear as goldfish in their fishbowl and the hot dog appears above them]
Mr. Turner: We've painted ourselves like gold doubloons for the big game! Go, Pirates!
Mrs. Turner: And we plundered golden tickets for golden seats right behind home plate!
Timmy: Yay! Those are the best seats in the stadium! They must have cost a fortune!
Mr. Turner: Ooh, they did! Which is why I could only afford two—for your mom and me! Go, not Timmy!
Mrs. Turner: But don't worry, Timmy, we brought you a real pirate treasure chest of fun. [the chest opens]
Vicky: Yo-ho-ho, and a barrel of fun! [takes out swords. Mr. and Mrs. Turner get in their pirate ship–themed car, and its sail hoists]
Mr. Turner: Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of bye, Timmy! [drives away]
Timmy: They're going' to the game without me?
Vicky: And so am I! [Timmy screams as she throws him into a chest she then buries with a bulldozer] I'll be back to dig you out before your parents get home. Now, I'll just make a map to remember where you're buried. [walking] One... two... whatever. [gets on her scooter] Go, Pirates! [a sail comes out of the scooter and she drives away]
Timmy: I wish I was outta the treasure chest! [Cosmo and Wanda grant the wish] Now I wish I was above ground! [Cosmo and Wanda grant the wish. Timmy knocks a worm out of his helmet, then hears car horns]
Bus Passengers: Go, Pirates! [several vehicles with Pirates insignia are lined up on the road]
Timmy: Everyone's going to the game except me? I don't think so! I wish we could...
Wanda: Oh, Timmy, can Poof grant this wish? It'll be great practice for him.
Timmy: Why not? What could possibly go wrong? I wish we could watch the Pirates in action! [Poof giggles and poofs everyone to a pirate ship] This isn't the Pirate game, it's a pirate ship! Poof sent us back in time!
Wanda: Well, Poof's just a baby. At least he got the pirate part right.
Cosmo: Pirates? [screams. Pirates are pointing their swords at Timmy and company. Cosmo screams, turns into an ostrich, and puts his head in the floor]
Timmy: Well, as long as we're not late for the game, I suppose battling pirates could be fun. I wish the pirates had balloon swords instead of real ones!
Wanda: Watch how Mommy does it, Poof! [she fires a beam from her wand and the pirates' swords turn into balloons. A short pirate's sword turns into a balloon animal. The pirates raise their swords]
Timmy: Now watch how Timmy does it, Poof! Play ball! [a pirate hits Timmy's bat with his sword, and Timmy hits his foot, making him scream and stumble into a barrel] Strike one! [he opens a hatch so that two pirates charging at him fall into it] Strike two! [he breaks the cleat a halyard is wrapped around so that the chest the halyard is hoisting swings forward and knocks three pirates charging at him off the ship] Strike three! Game over! [imitates a crowd] The crowd goes wild! [another pirate shows up, and Cosmo screams, puts his head in the floor, and lays an egg]
Parrot: [squawks] He said, "I'm Dirtybeard, the meanest and dirtiest pirate on the seven seas." [Dirtybeard jabbers. The parrot squawks] He also said: "You lost my gold. Now you'll be getting it back by walking the plank." [he takes a gangplank out of Dirtybeard's beard and puts it in place]
Cosmo: [laying eggs] Timmy, wish Crustybutt and his mateys away! Then get me an omelet pan, quick!
Timmy: Fine! Pirate fun time over!
Pirates: Aww.
Timmy: I wish we were all back in Dimmsdale! [the wish is granted. Fade to a pier in Dimmsdale] Awesome, we're home! [hears Dirtybeard growling. Truck out to reveal everyone is still on the ship]
People on Tugboat: Go, Pirates!
Timmy: [to Wanda] You let Poof make the wish, didn't ya?
Wanda: Well, how else is he gonna learn? Besides, he did get us back to Dimmsdale. [Dirtybeard jabbers]
Parrot: [squawks] Dirtybeard says, "Get their gold." [puts the stars on Cosmo's and Wanda's wands in Dirtybeard's beard]
Cosmo and Wanda: [scream] Our wands! [Dirtybeard jabbers as he turns a crank that makes a net ensnare Timmy and company]
Timmy: [to Wanda] If I miss that baseball game, I'm totally blaming you!
Wanda: Calm down. It's not like the pirates can do any real damage to Dimmsdale while they're floating out here in the water, right?
Timmy: Right! [chuckles] It's not like I wished that this ship was equipped with 4×4 tires and a hot rod engine that would enable it to drive on land! [Poof giggles and shakes his rattle]
Timmy and Wanda: No! Poof, no! / No! No! Poof, no! [Poof grants the wish, and the ship drives on land]
Timmy: We gotta get your wands back! [Dirtybeard jabbers. The ship runs over cars and stops in front of a gift shop named Buried Treasure. Dirtybeard jabbers and gestures with flags. The ship shoots cannonballs at the store, and pirates swing in and plunder it. One pirate hugs a ship-in-a-bottle. The ship leaves with the loot]
Wanda: Okay, Poof, make Mama proud! I wish we were free of this net! [Poof poofs up scissors that cut the net, and Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda scream as the four of them fall into a hatch. They notice two leashed alligators growling at them and scream]
Poof: Kitty! [shakes his rattle]
Cosmo and Wanda: No! No, Poof! No! / No, Poof! No! [Poof poofs the alligators' leashes away, and the alligators crawl forward. Cosmo screams and lays several eggs. Cut to a stoplight turning red]
Mr. Turner: Ahoy! [drops anchor to stop the car] We're the best Pirate fans ever! [the pirate ship passes by, breaking the car's bowsprit. Mr. Turner shouts] You think you're better than us, don't you? [a large sail hoists on the car. Mr. Turner retracts the anchor, which hits him in the head, and drives alongside the ship] Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of eat this! [he presses a button that makes the car fire a cannonball that flies into the ship and knocks the alligators away. Dirtybeard jabbers]
Parrot: [squawks] Dirtybeard says, "Blast the ugly late-model pirate wagon." [the ship shoots at the car, which swerves to avoid the cannonballs]
Wanda: Poof, sweetie, listen to Mommy this time! You have to poof us off this ship! [he giggles and does so. Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda scream as they fall to the ground] My bad. I should have been more specific.
Timmy: Well, at least there's no more gold around here. [sees Pirate Stadium and a jumbotron] Except for the big gold stadium full of gold-painted people on gold hat day! [a cannonball hits the road below the car, making Mr. and Mrs. Turner scream. Cut to Chet Ubetcha in the announcer booth at the stadium]
Chet Ubetcha: This is Chet Ubetcha saying, does this gold suit make me look fat? I mean, welcome to Pirates opening day! It should be a blast! [the ship bursts into the stadium, then Mr. and Mrs. Turner drive in. Their car has been reduced to a chassis. The wheels come off]
Mr. Turner: Eeh, maybe they are better than us. [the ship stops]
Parrot: [squawks] Dirtybeard says: "Get the gold! Get the gold!"
Pirate #1: Arr! [takes people's gold hats]
Pirate #2: Arr! [takes a man's gold teeth]
Pirate #3: Arr! [picks up two gold people]
Pirate #1: Arr! [he takes a gold R from a Muppetlike creature, then puts loot in a chest. The ship shoots cannonballs. Wanda, Poof, and Timmy ride Cosmo across the field]
Timmy: Okay, you hold off the pirates, and I'll go get the Pirates. [the fairies blink] You know what I mean! [runs off]
Cosmo: [runs past a hot dog vendor] Ah! Snack food! One hot dog, please. Ketchup, mustard, and hold the pirates.
Timmy: [to the Pirates] Why aren't you guys defending your fans? You can't sit here doing nothing!
Player #1: Yeah, we can. The game's delayed on account of pillaging.
Timmy: But if the pirates hurt all your fans, no one will come see you play anymore! If no one comes see you play, then you won't get paid your million-dollar salaries for playing a game! What do you say to that?
Players: [look at each other] Let's get 'em! [the Pirates and the pirates fight each other. A pirate's hook hand gets stuck to a Pirate's bat. The vendor gives Cosmo a hot dog]
Cosmo: Yay! [pirates take the hot dog before he can eat it] Hey! Unhand my sizzling cylindrical tube of meat byproduct! Get ready to face my booty, pirates! [he shoots eggs at the pirates, covering them and the hot dog] I stopped the pirates! And I invented the scrambled hot dog and egg sandwich! [a pirate lunges at a Pirate and misses, and the Pirate bats him and two others out of the stadium. The Pirates score 22 points and win. People cheer]
Chet: The Pirates beat the pirates! The Pirates beat the pirates! [people cheer. The ship fires a cannonball at Chet] And this is Chet Ubetcha saying, game over. [faints]
Timmy: Not until we get back our gold! [he uses Chet's tie to swing into Dirtybeard, making him spit out a bone] Yuck! A chicken bone?
Dirtybeard: Aye, thank you, kind lad. That thing's been stuck in me throat for ages.
Timmy: You mean, all this time you've just been choking on something?
Dirtybeard: I've been asking for help for years, laddie, but that stupid bird kept translating wrong. It was him that wanted your gold, not me.
Parrot: [squawks] And I'm gonna get it, too! [he has his foot on a little cannon with a lit fuse]
Cosmo: Not on my watch! Booty powers, activate! [he shoots an egg into the cannon, making it explode and defeather the parrot]
Parrot: I'll settle for seats behind home plate.
Dirtybeard: I'm afraid I owe you an apology for those brutes running' amok in your town. [giving the stars to Timmy] I never even wanted to be a pirate. No, I wanted to be a chef. But once that bone got stuck in me throat and I uttered me first argh, me dear old mum sent me off to pirate school. I guess me dream of serving food will... will never come true. [takes a tissue out of his beard and blows his nose]
Timmy: Actually, maybe it can! Cosmo, Wanda, now that you've got your wands back, it's time to make some wishes. [fade to the Pirates game. A Pirate pitches, and the batting pirate slices the ball with a real sword. Timmy and his parents are watching the game, with Timmy holding the fishbowl the fairies are in] Cool, we saved the town from pirates, got ourselves awesome seats... [the Turners are in the crow's nest of the ship, which is in the stands]
Dirtybeard: Pirate dogs! Get your pirate dogs here!
Wanda: And got Dirtybeard his dream job!
Timmy: Three hot dogs, please! [Dirtybeard throws hot dogs from his beard to Mrs. Turner, Timmy, and the fairies. The hot dogs have hair on them]
Cosmo and Wanda: Ew! [a batter hits a ball and it hits the crow's nest's mast. Mr. and Mrs. Turner scream as the crow's nest falls to the ground]
Cosmo: I think I just laid another egg.
Timmy: You're not an ostrich anymore.
Cosmo: Yeah, I know. [lays an egg and smiles at Wanda. Iris out on him. The end title card is shown]
Mr. Turner: [in voice-over] Eat this! [fade to black]
