Cosmo: [reading a book to Poof] "'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... except for Timmy, who didn't get the sled he wanted for Christmas!"
Timmy: [in a pile of presents] Keep looking! It's gotta be here. [he, Cosmo, Wanda and Poof look through the pile]
Wanda: I found your new parka and long johns!
Cosmo: Poof found your new galoshes, and I found your new rock salt. [dives into the bag of rock salt] Mmmm... rock salt!
Timmy: I knew it! Santadid bring me my sled! Now I can race the guys on Doomsdale Hill! [opens a sled-shaped present, revealing a shovel] A snow shovel? Ahhh! I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas!
Mr. Turner: Well, join the club, mister! [the fairies land on the floor as presents] I asked for 2000 gallons of nog. But instead, all I got was this set of golf clubs, an SUV, the Hope Diamond, a "talking" horse...
Horse: Hey, Timmy.
Mr. Turner: ...and this stupid sled! Or as I like to call it: [tosses it into the lit fireplace] firewood!
Timmy: Noooo! [runs to the fireplace]
Mrs. Turner: Timmy, I think your presents are wonderful and that Santa was very thoughtful... [cut to Timmy outside the house holding the rock salt and the shovel] to your dad and me! Now, don't come inside where it's warm until the driveway's clear. Merry "Day After Christmas"! [closes the front door, making snow slide off the roof onto Timmy]
Timmy: [walks out of the pile of snow] I wish the driveway was clear. [Cosmo and Wanda grant the wish, making the snow on the driveway pile on him] I wish I was clear!
Wanda: [granting the wish] Aw, don't be mad, Timmy. Think of all the wonderful things you do have, not what you don't have.
Cosmo: Yeah, like, I don't have a totally hot bod! But I don't complain. I just do this! [makes Wanda's body muscular] Not what I was goin' for, but it's kinda hot. [beat] You need to shave your pits.
Timmy: Wait! Magic! [Wanda turns herself back to normal] Duh! That's it! I may not have gotten what I wanted for Christmas, so it's time to celebrate Wishmas! [unrolls a long wish list] I wish I had a super fast sled and was at Doomsdale Hill! [Cosmo, Wanda and Poof grant the wish] Awesome! [starts sledding down the hill] A winter wonderland full of kids riding their...
Wanda: [looking at Chester] ...garbage cans? [Chester rides a garbage can and falls off]
Cosmo: [looking at AJ] Bubble jet printers? [AJ jumps onto a printer but immediately hits the ground face-first]
Timmy: [looking at Elmer] Tubas? [Elmer crashes into a tree. Timmy stops, and his friends slide down to him] Guys? We all agreed to ask Santa for sleds. What happened?
Chester: What happened? Hit it, Elmer... [Elmer plays the tuba]
Singers: ♪ And we can't believe the holiday season looks like this ♪
♪ Because none of this stuff was on our Christmas list ♪
Chester: A trash can?
Singers: Not on the list!
♪ We got new toys but they're all educational ♪
Chester: I got tickets to a golf invitational.
Singers: ♪ Self-help tapes just aren't motivational ♪
AJ: All I wanted was a ride to the new space stational!
Singers: ♪ If we could talk to Santa Claus, we'd have to say this ♪
Boy #2: Brand-new underwear?
Singers: Not on the list!
Girl #3: A shaver for back hair?
Boy #3: A baby-proof high chair?
Singers: Not on the list!
♪ It's not on the list! (No, no, it's not on the list) ♪
♪ (Oh, no, get it off the list) ♪
♪ (No, no, it's not on the list) ♪
AJ: A bubble jet printer?
Chester: Come on!
Singers: Not on the list!
AJ: Anyway, bye, Timmy. [leaving] Call me if you need anything printed.
Chester: [leaving] Or if you wanna throw anything away.
Timmy: It's not fair. My pals didn't get what they wanted for Christmas.
Wanda: Yeah, but not everybody can have a "Merry Wishmas" like you, ya know.
Timmy: Yeah. I wanna give every kid in Dimmsdale one "Day After Christmas" wish!
Wanda: What are we supposed to do? Poof up a "Magical Wish Coupon" good for one wish?
Cosmo: Yeah! Then hand-deliver them to every kid in town like some kind of "Magic Mailmen"? [he and Wanda laugh. Timmy smiles slyly. Cut to Cosmo and Wanda as human mail carriers walking down a sidewalk]
Wanda: You had to say "Magic Mailmen"? [kicks Cosmo. Wipe to them putting magical envelopes in mailboxes]
Cosmo: [narrating] "So to every mailbox in Dimmsdale they'd carry... a coupon to make the day after Christmas more merry." [Tootie takes an envelope and takes a coupon out of it]
Tootie: [reading] "Congratulations! If you didn't get what you wanted for Christmas, this coupon entitles you to one wish." Huh? Like, what? I'm just supposed to wish for a flying pink sea horse named Timmy? [a flying pink sea horse appears] The wish coupon really works! [mounts the sea horse] Hi ho, Timmy! [rides off]
Sanjay: [holding a coupon] I wish my elephant had a friend, named Timmy! [the wish is granted. Tootie rides past Chester]
Chester: [holding a coupon] I can wish for my sled? Ooh, wait! Even better, I wish I had a turbo-flying pizza... with pepperoni! [the wish is granted] Awesome! May the cheese be with you!
AJ: I wish I had a 10,000-terabyte supercomputer! [the wish is granted]
Computer: Merry Wishmas, AJ.
AJ: [stops smiling] That's kinda creepy.
Cosmo: [narrating] "And that's how young Timmy revamped Dimmsdale's Christmas—by granting the children a cool..."
Kids: Merry Wishmas! [Cosmo is reading the book in the Turners' living room]
Timmy: Where'd you get that book anyway?
Cosmo: Under your tree. It's a real page-turner. I can't wait to find out who the killer is...
Mr. Turner: [coming inside with a coupon] A wish coupon?! [the fairies disappear] Oooh, I could wish for my 2000 gallons of nog! Or, I could wish I was Nog-Man, the caped crusader of nog! Yep. Goin' with Nog-Man! [the wish is granted] Nog, nog and away! [flies through the roof with eggnog blasters on his feet]
Wanda: Well, sport, you did it! It looks like everybody in Dimmsdale is having a Merry Wishmas.
Vicky: [offscreen] One measly wish! [Timmy and the fairies look out a window and see her holding a coupon] What a rip-off! Wait, I'm evil and greedy. I know: I "wish" I had a million wishes! [laughs evilly. Magical envelopes shoot out of her mailbox. Kids cheer]
Sanjay: [catches a coupon] I wish my elephant's friend had 40 friends. All named Timmy! [the wish is granted. The elephants trumpet and march down the street and past Mr. Turner holding a coupon]
Mr. Turner: [shouts] I wish I had a super noggy, loyal super sidekick! [the wish is granted: A dog with eggnog blasters on his feet flies up to him] Sit, Nog-Dog. [he does so] Yes! [Nog-Dog barks]
Kids: [wishing for many things] I wish for mo... / I want food! [Timmy and the fairies come outside and see the growing toy pile]
Cosmo: [narrating] "As the joy of new Wishmas 'round Dimmsdale exploded, [fade to Fairyworld] the Big Wand in Fairyworld was waaaaay overloaded!" [an alarm blares in a "magic command center"]
Jorgen: But it is the day after Christmas. Santa gave the magic back! Where is all this wishing coming from? [a monitor shows Dimmsdale and the toy pile] Turner. Of course. Temporary shutdown mode now! [turns off the Big Wand. Cosmo and Wanda's wands stop working]
Kids: Yeah! [the envelopes disappear] Awwwww.
Tootie: Wishmas is over!
Chester: But look! We have enough presents and pizza to last us forever! Remember the Alamo! [kids cheer and run after him]
Timmy: Cool! A mountain of toys! Maybe this isn't so bad! [Jorgen appears] Now it's bad again.
Jorgen: [grabs Timmy] Turner! What is going on?
Chet Ubetcha: [to a camera] This is Chet Ubetcha saying: Here's what's going on. Santa's got new holiday rivals: the Magic Mailmen! Kids worldwide who have been dissed by Santa are already hoping they get a visit from these powerful postmen next year. So from now on, it's good-bye, Christmas, hello, Wishmas! Woo hoo! [dives into the toy mountain. This is on the Turners' TV, which turns off]
Timmy: What?! I didn't wanna get rid of Christmas! I was just tryin' to do something nice for a change!
Jorgen: You did! You finally got rid of that out-of-shape red-and-white windbag who uses our magic every year and doesn't give us credit! [turning the Christmas tree into a mailbox] Finally, fairies can rule the holiday season and get the props we deserve! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must prepare! Next Wishmas will be here before you know it! [disappears]
Timmy: Wait! I don't want the world to forget about Santa!
Wanda: Don't worry, Timmy. Nobody could ever forget about Santa.
Cosmo: [watering the mailbox] Santa who? Santa Monica? Santa Barbara? Santa Clarita?
Wanda: Wishmas is a passing fad and Santa would never leave the North Pole and give up on Christmas. [the doorbell rings. The door opens]
Santa Claus: I've given up on Christmas. Thanks to you, Timmy, the world doesn't want me anymore. And now that I've lost my job, we'll be needing a place to stay. [gestures to Mrs. Claus, his elves and his reindeer] So we're moving into your ho, ho, home! [drops a bag on him]
Timmy: More toys for me?
Santa: No, it's my laundry. Oh, and I like my cookies warm and my milk chilled. [he and Mrs. Claus enter the house]
Elf #1: Merry Wishmas, Turner. Let's hit the kitchen, boys. [he and the other elves run inside]
Cosmo: [reading the book to Poof] "So on that very first Wishmas, Santa, elves and spouse said, 'Timmy killed Christmas!' and moved into his house!" [Timmy walks in front of him] Gah! You're the killer!
Timmy: I just wanted a sled! [fade to black]
Act 2[]
[Fade in on the house. Elves and reindeer are making a mess in the kitchen]
Mrs. Claus: Lunch is served! [sets a plate of cookies in front of Mrs. Turner and Timmy]
Mrs. Turner: So, Timmy, you won a radio contest where Santa comes to live with you?
Timmy: Okay...
Elf #2: Hey, where's the can? I gotta go drop some presents down the chimney, if you know what I mean.
Santa: [drinks milk and belches] I need more milk. [Mr. Turner and Nog-Dog break through a wall]
Mr. Turner: Why drink milk when you can enjoy thick, artery-clogging nog? [he sprays eggnog at Santa's milk glass, knocking it into two elves] Quick, Nog-Dog! I hear cries for help from nog-deprived citizens! To the Nog Cave! [he tips a jar on a counter, making a wall open and reveal fire poles. He and Nog-Dog slide down the poles, and the wall closes]
Mrs. Turner: Who was that masked man?
Timmy: You're kidding, right?
Mrs. Turner: Well, Santa, if I'm going to feed you, the missus and all your elves, I'd better go shopping. What would you like for dinner?
Mrs. Claus, Santa and Elves: Milk and cookies.
Mrs. Turner: [sighs] Of course. [leaves]
Timmy: Look, Santa, Mrs. Claus, elves...
Elf #2: We prefer the term vertically challenged toy makers.
Timmy: So do I. There's been a huge misunderstanding, so I suggest you all head back to the North Pole to get ready for next Christmas, which is in 364 days. Huh? Who's with me? [cut to him on the couch]
Santa: Ho ho ho! Timmy, that's a fine suggestion, but because of your "Magic Mailmen" friends, no one wants me around anymore. What are we watchin', boys?
Elf #3: Horse Condo. Some guy has to live with a horse for six months.
Horse: We're hoooooked.
Timmy: But I was just tryin' to help everybody who didn't get what they wanted for Christmas!
Horse: Instead of focusing on what you didn't get, Timmy, you should be happy with what you already have.
Timmy: You stay outta this. [to Santa] And why didn't you just give me a sled? None of this would have happened if you'd just given me a sled!
Santa: Timmy, you're a big boy now. You got yourself into this and I know you'll get yourself out. In the meantime, my days of "Ho-Ho-Ho" are "O-O-Over". [a squishing sound comes from the TV] Ooh! I knew he was gonna step in that! [he, the elves, and the horse laugh. Fade to Timmy walking into his room]
Timmy: This is bad. Really bad.
Cosmo: But look on the bright side, Timmy. You're gonna be famous! You're the boy who killed Christmas!
Timmy: This "Wishmas" thing's gotten really outta hand. So... I wish it had never happened!
Jorgen: [appears] I won't let you!
Timmy: Why is Jorgen here? I didn't wish for Jorgen.
Jorgen: I am here to tell you that you can't wish Wishmas away, Timmy Turner! You have created an exciting new holiday that people have fallen in love with! Look! [pours envelopes on him]
Cosmo: [reading a letter] "I love you, Magic Mailmen. But could you be buffer, wear tighter clothes and be a better physical specimen for the holiday season?"
Wanda: [to Jorgen] Wait, this is your handwriting!
Jorgen: I know! And I completely agree with me! [he snaps his fingers, poofing into a tight-fitting mail carrier outfit] From now on, I will be... the Magic Mailman! [snaps] And you two will be my helpers: [Cosmo and Wanda are turned into short mail carriers] the Mailmites! [fairy photographers appear] I will now bring the holiday season a buffness it has been sorely lacking! [the photographers take a photo of him] A clean, close shave instead of an old, white beard! [as more photos are taken] A "Ha ha ha!" instead of a "Ho ho ho!"
Timmy: You'll never get rid of Santa, Jorgen.
Jorgen: I don't have to, you already did! [Timmy dejectedly glances to the side] Okay, boys, start leaking those photos onto the Internet! [as the photographers leave] Merry Wishmas, everyone! Ha ha ha!
Wanda: Aw, don't worry, sport. There's no way that Santa's just gonna "retire" from making toys.
Cosmo: He's gonna "ho-ho-ho" it before you "know-know-know" it! [Timmy makes a glum face. Fade to later. Six months pass]
Mrs. Turner: Timmy, when is this contest over? [an elf offers her cookies] No, I don't want any cookies! When do I get my house back?!
Timmy: As soon as Santa gets his "Ho ho ho" back!
Santa: [offscreen] Ho! Ho! Ho!
Timmy: And there it is! [runs to the backyard and sees Santa hoeing]
Santa: I love to hoe-hoe-hoe! Gardening is great, Timmy! I couldn't grow squat up at the North Pole. Too much snow. Look! My mistletoe's coming in, thanks to the fresh manure!
Horse: Yeah, I gave and asked for nothin' in return.
Santa: Timmy, you getting kids to forget about Christmas was the best thing that has ever happened to me! [leaving]♪ Doo dee-doo doo-doo! ♪
Timmy: Well, I might not be able to wish away Wishmas, but I can wish up stuff to make Santa go back to the pole and make toys again!
Wanda: Wands up and ready to fire, Timmy.
Timmy: I wish for a heat wave so hot that Santa will wanna go back to the North Pole! [the wish is granted. A birdbath evaporates and the birds in it are roasted. The mistletoe shrivels. Santa moans and thins] Maybe that's a little too hot. [cut to the Nog Cave]
Mr. Turner: [typing on a computer] Oooh! My inbox is clogged on the Nog Blog, Nog-Dog! [sees Santa on the computer monitor] Great Scott! There's a parched man who needs the rejuvenating powers of nog! Quick, to the Nog-Mobile! [Nog-Dog howls. The two of them drive up to Santa in the Nog-Mobile] Insert nog nozzle! [puts a hose in Santa's mouth] Turn nog nob! [Nog-Dog does so, making eggnog flow through the hose into Santa's mouth. Santa is rejuvenated]
Santa: Thank you, Nog-Man!
Mr. Turner: Don't thank me... [jumps into the Nog-Mobile] thank the nog! [Nog-Dog barks. Mr. Turner drives into a tree. The eggnog container cracks and spills on him]
Timmy: Okay, magic isn't working. What's the book say?
Cosmo: [reading] "When Timmy realized Santa wasn't going away, they all sucked it up until Thanksgiving Day." [fade to Thanksgiving]
Mrs. Claus: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Timmy: This book is incredibly accurate. [he, Mrs. Turner, Santa, the horse and some elves are at a dinner table]
Mrs. Claus: Now, who wants milk?
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Milk? Loser! [blasts a hole in a wall and enters] Who wants nog?! [sprays eggnog at Mrs. Claus]
Mrs. Claus: Ooh, it is on! [tackles him]
Mrs. Turner: An entire year of cookies and nog for breakfast, lunch and dinner? [screams] I'm sick of cookies! [throws cookies and screams] I'm sick of radio contests! [she throws a radio, knocks the front door away, runs outside and laughs maniacally, then notices a reindeer and laughs as she flies away on it. The other reindeer follow]
Timmy: Well, there goes my mom. And Santa's only ride to the North Pole. [Mr. Turner and Mrs. Claus fight in the distance]
Wanda: But the good news is that tomorrow's officially the start of the Christmas season!
Timmy: Right! There's no way Santa could ignore the Christmas spirit! [cut to the TV screen]
Chet: I'm Chet Ubetcha saying it's the start of everyone's favorite new holiday season: Wishmas! People all over Dimmsdale are preparing themselves for the arrival of their favorite new holiday icons: the Magic Mailman and his Mailmites! 'Tis the season that we can wish for so much stuff, it lasts all year! So to the Magic Mailman, we say: "Yes-yes-yes!" To Santa, we say: "Stay ho-ho-home!"
Elf #4: Is this supposed to cheer us up? Put Horse Condo back on!
Timmy: Oh... uh, I wouldn't worry about that, Santa. Kids really don't watch the news, they watch Christmas specials. [switches the program to a Wishmas special]
Narrator: ...and what happened then? Down in "What-ville", they say, the Grump's little heart grew big Wishmas Day!
Timmy: No! I wanna celebrate Christmas! Not Wishmas!
Santa: Well, Timmy, seems like this year you're the only one.
Timmy: Oh, yeah? What about this? [shows him a letter]
Little Girl: [reciting the letter as Santa reads it] "Dear Santa, I believe in you. I can't imagine Christmas without you." [Santa sees it is Timmy reciting the letter]
Timmy: "You're the greatest, most jolly-est Christmas hero ever..."
Santa: Nice try, Turner. [leaves]
Timmy: But you can't quit. I'll... I'll... miss you.
Horse: [referring to the cookie in Timmy's hand] You gonna finish that, Timmy?
Timmy: [tosses him the cookie] There, I gave. Happy now?
Wanda: You've done your best, sport. But, one sad kid isn't enough to get Santa out of retirement.
Timmy: Then I'll just have to get an army of sad kids.
Cosmo and Wanda: What do you mean? [fade to the book]
Cosmo: [narrating] "...so Christmas was gone and it brought Wishmas cheer..." [cut to the Nog Cave]
Mr. Turner: It's Wishmas Day, Nog-Dog! [Nog-Dog raises his hind leg toward the Nog-Man mailbox] No! Don't pee in here! [cut to Timmy's room]
Wanda: Any last wish before Jorgen gets here?
Timmy: Yes. I wish I had a big butterfly net and a remote control trap door! [Cosmo and Wanda grant the wish, and Timmy traps them in the net]
Cosmo: Wow, didn't see that comin'.
Wanda: What are you doing, Timmy? You know we don't have any powers under a butterfly net.
Timmy: Exactly. Now there's not gonna be any more Wishmas!
Wanda: Are you forgetting about Jorgen?
Jorgen: [appears] Ha ha ha! You better watch out—[as Timmy presses the remote] the Magic Mailman is coming to... [the trap door opens, and Jorgen falls into it and screams]
Timmy: Cosmo? Start reading.
Cosmo: [reading as the following happens] "Timmy leaned out, and he heard a small humming, as the kids were around all their mailboxes, bumming... all realized at once, with great shock and some tears, that the Magic Mailman wasn't coming this year." [people across the world look in empty mailboxes and cry]
Wanda: Timmy! Please, let us deliver the coupons!
Cosmo: The sadness of the children is too great!
Timmy: Wait for it...
Santa: [offscreen] Ho-ho-ho! [the front door is blasted away, and he steps outside. He blows a conch shell, and elves gather]
Elf #5: What is it, Santa?
Santa: Boys, we're back. Now, let's turn those Wishmas tears into Christmas cheers!
Elf #6: But Santa, it's impossible! The reindeer took off, we sold the sleigh to buy cookie mix and we ain't got no fairyworld magic!
Santa: Nothing's impossible if you believe. [winks]
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] I believe, Santa! [pulls up] You can use my Nog-Mobile to deliver toys!
Santa: Well, can it fly?
Mr. Turner: Geh, not in the sky, no.
Mrs. Turner: [riding a reindeer] I believe, too! [blows a conch shell] I have returned so that the reindeer may pull Santa's Nog-Mobile, and so that he can take Mrs. Claus and her cookies far away!
Timmy: I knew you'd be back, Santa! I knew you'd never let the kids down!
Santa: Yeah, well, we're still in trouble. I haven't made a toy all year. What am I supposed to give the kids all around the world?
Timmy: Leave that to us. [he blows a conch shell and kids gather]
Chester: Timmy! You blew the Conch Shell! It must be important!
Timmy: Santa needs our help, and we're gonna give it to him! Last year, all we thought about was what we didn't get! This year, we need to figure out what we can give.
AJ: Right, because Christmas isn't a coupon that comes in a mailbox...
Computer: ...it's a feeling that comes in your heart.
AJ: Still creepy.
Timmy: Here's my sled, Santa. Please give it to someone who needs it more than me.
Santa: [smiles] Congratulations, Timmy. You finally got what you needed. You now understand the true meaning of Christmas. [touches Timmy's forehead]
Timmy: Ahh! [he and several kids get on the flying pizza]
Chester: Let's get toys for Santa! [they fly toward the toy mountain]
Cosmo: [narrating] "And what happened then? Well, in Dimmsdale, they say that the kids gave the entire toy mountain away!" [Chester fills a jar on the Nog-Mobile with toys]
Santa: Hop in, Timmy. It's time to bring Christmas back. [Timmy jumps onto the Nog-Mobile] Ho ho ho!
Timmy: Let's go-go-go!
Jorgen: [offscreen] No, no, no! [breaks out of the ground with a shovel] You are not going anywhere! I am the new buff symbol of the holiday season! And I say: Get your rotund rear end out of that car!
Kids: Oooooh.
Santa: Christmas magic, go! [magically makes the shovel hit Jorgen in the face]
Jorgen: [falls over] Ohhh, what I meant to say was: Merry Christmas!
Santa: [taking off] Nog, nog and awaaaaay!
Mrs. Turner: Hmm... Y'know, Nog-Man? You look a lot like my husband. Is it possible you're...
Mr. Turner: [spraying her] Nog Fog! [she faints] She must never know.
Santa: Ho ho ho! [kids cheer as elves throw presents out of the Nog-Mobile]
Cosmo: [reading] "So next time you're blue on the day after Christmas..."
Santa: [takes the book; reading] "...give something away and have your own Merry Wishmas!"
Timmy: Wait a minute... you wrote the book and put it under my tree, didn't you? But how could you possibly know all this was gonna happen and that I'd learn a lesson?
Santa: Dude. I'm Santa. Ho! Ho! Ho!
Computer: Merry Christmas, AJ.
AJ: Still creepy. [iris out on him, the horse and Chester. The end title card is shown]
Mr. Turner: [in voice-over] Nog Fog! [fade to black]
