Mr. Turner: Honey! Timmy! It's time for the lottery drawing! [Mrs. Turner and Timmy join him on the living room couch] I have a feeling the Turners are about to hit it big!
Timmy: Aw, Dad, you always say that, and we never win. What makes you think this time is gonna be any different?
Mr. Turner: Well, for one thing, this time I actually bought a ticket.
Mrs. Turner: Hurray! We're gonna be rich! Now that we'll be getting new money, I won't need any of this old, used money. [tosses a purse filled with cash into the lit fireplace, which destroys it]
Chet Ubetcha: [on TV] This is Chet Ubetcha with this week's winning lottery numbers. They are 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 891.
Mr. Turner: Oh, my gosh. [his lottery ticket has those numbers] I won! We're rich! I can finally tell that monster Dinkleberg what I really think of him!
Timmy: You do that anyway, Dad.
Mr. Turner: Yes, but now I can do it from Fiji!
Mrs. Turner: This is wonderful! Oh, we can buy a house with a swimming pool and a tennis court. And then I can pay someone to teach me how to swim and play tennis!
Timmy: And I can get a hat in a masculine color.
Mr. Turner: Hold on, Mr. Big Spender. It's not like I won the lottery. Oh, wait! I did!
Turners: Yay!
Chet: This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news. This week's lottery has been canceled. So those winning numbers don't count.
Mr. Turner: [crying] Oh, no! I lost everything I thought I had ten seconds ago!
Mrs. Turner: [crying] Now I'll never learn to swim. Which is a problem, because I'm about to drown in my own tears.
Timmy: Cheer up, guys. Things are gonna be okay. You know what always makes me feel better when I'm down? Spending time with Sparky.
Mr. Turner: That's ridiculous. Sparky's only a dog. How is he gonna cheer us up? [Sparky drops bags of money in front of him] Yay! Sparky made us rich! [he and his wife dive into the money and cheer]
Timmy: [to Sparky] Where'd you get all this money?
Sparky: Let's go with "I just found it".
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Yay!
Mr. Turner: You were right, Timmy! Sparky does make me feel better. [patting something] Oh, I could pet him all day!
Timmy: You're petting the money, Dad.
Mr. Turner: [looks where he is patting] Even better! Money doesn't shed!
Timmy: Thanks, Sparky. You made everyone happy. You're the best dog ever. [everyone hugs]
[Foop is watching the scene through a crystal ball]
Foop: Joy? Happiness? Frivolity? Disgusting! Seeing Timmy Turner and his family so happy makes me wanna toss my cookies! [throws a bowl of cookies at a wall] Great. Now I broke my cookies. It's that dog! He's the source of all their joy. Wait a minute... If the Turners derive happiness from a good pet, then they should derive misery from an evil one! Time to go pet shopping! [laughs evilly] And while I'm out, I might as well get some new cookies.
Foop: Ooh! You're the Grim Reaper! I'm your biggest fan! I loved your work during the Black Plague. Sorry. I'm gushing. Why are you working at a pet store?
Grim Reaper: Death doesn't pay the bills, and I've got student loans. What can I help you with?
Foop: Yes, well, I'm looking for a pet to bring misery to an Earth family.
Grim Reaper: How about this snake-upine? [puts it on a counter]
Foop: Oh, he's cute! [patting the snake-upine] Can I pet him?
Grim Reaper: I wouldn't do that. His quills are laced with a deadly poison.
Foop: [screams and falls to the ground] Am I dead? It's difficult to tell because I'm already blue and, after all, you're here.
Grim Reaper: [looking in a book] Relax. I don't have you scheduled for a while. Oh, this is fun—you're gonna perish on the toilet.
Foop: Sweet home Alabama! I'm never going potty again! Anyway, what other pets do you have?
Grim Reaper: Well, [puts a parrot's cage on the counter] there's Bernie.
Foop: Ooh! He's colorful! Why do you call him Bernie? [Bernie breathes fire on him. He turns to ash, then turns back to normal] Got it.
Grim Reaper: [walking to another cage] How 'bout something a little bit more traditional, like an anti-dog? You know, man's worst friend?
Foop: Wait a minute... This must be the anti-Sparky. What do you call him?
Foop: Not very creative, but as long as his name's not Bernie, I'm good. So, uh, what does he eat?
Grim Reaper: Well, the question is, who does he eat?
Anti-Sparky: [to Foop] I'd like to have you for dinner.
Foop: Oh! How very kind! I'm wide open on Saturday. Should we make it a potluck? [Anti-Sparky gnarls and lunges at him] Oh, have me for dinner! He's horrifying. And by that, I mean I'll take him. I'll switch this monster for the Turners' dog and bring misery to their lives forever! [the Grim Reaper snaps his fingers, making Anti-Sparky appear in a dog crate]
Grim Reaper: That'll be a hundred dollars.
Foop: Uh... that's about a hundred dollars more than I was prepared to pay.
Grim Reaper: No, I give you the money to take this beast off my hands.
Foop: Well, [taking the money] that's not alarming at all. Oh, one last thing before I go. Do you have a restroom I could use?
Grim Reaper: Yeah, you know... Nah, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Foop: Right. The potty thing. It's gonna be an uncomfortable trip home. [poofs himself and Anti-Sparky away]
[Fade to the Turners' house. Cosmo and Wanda appear in Timmy's room]
Wanda: Shouldn't you be doing your homework, Timmy?
Timmy: I already did it. Actually, Sparky did it for me.
Wanda: [looking at a book on Timmy's desk] "The French Poodle Revolution." [reading the book] "In 1789, Marie Antoinette said to the people of France, 'Let them eat kibble.'" Timmy, I'm not sure this is right.
Timmy: Whatever. The point is, Sparky did my homework so I don't have to. He really is the best dog ever.
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Oh, Timmy! [the fairies disappear. Mr. Turner enters the room] That Sparky really is the best dog ever. He brought me the paper and this fancy diamond grill for my teeth! [grinning] Eeh! Word to your mother! Eeh, by the way, where is your mother?
Mrs. Turner: [in the Dinklebergs' pool] Hey, everyone! Sparky taught me to swim! He also showed me how to jimmy the lock on Mr. Dinkleberg's pool gate.
Mr. Turner: Well, I'm outta here. I'm gonna go swim with your mother and her new friend, Jimmy the Lock! [leaves. The fairies reappear]
Wanda: Boy, Timmy. Your parents sure are happy—thanks to Sparky.
Timmy: Yeah. [leaving] What would we do without him?
Foop: [outside the window] You're about to find out, Timmy Turner.
Anti-Sparky: Now that we're workin' together, there are a couple of ground rules you need to follow, Poop.
Foop: It's Foop.
Anti-Sparky: Never correct me! [Foop screams like a girl and falls to the ground] That's the first ground rule. The others are: Never look me in the eye and never raise your voice at me. Understood?
Foop: Yes.
Anti-Sparky: What?
Foop: I said yes!
Anti-Sparky: You raised your voice! [Foop screams] By the way, do I have somethin' in my eye?
Foop: [looks in Anti-Sparky's eyes] I don't see anything...
Anti-Sparky: You looked me in the eye! [chomps]
Foop: [cowering] If I look away and whisper, can I tell you about my diabolical plan to get rid of Sparky?
Anti-Sparky: I assume you're gonna destroy him, perhaps by luring him into a vat of acid.
Foop: Actually, I was just going to throw a tennis ball really far so it'll take him weeks to fetch it.
Anti-Sparky: [pretending to cough] Loser.
Foop: I'm gonna need you to throw it. [giving him the ball] I injured my wrist at water Pilates. [the two of them confront Sparky] Hello, you moronic mutt! Meet your anti-self!
Sparky: Hey... I know you. You're Poop. And if you're really the anti-me, then you're both probably up to no good. Well, the jig is up, 'cause I'm gonna warn Timmy before... [Anti-Sparky poofs the ball into his own hand] Ball! [Anti-Sparky throws the ball far away]
Foop: Go fetch! [Sparky laughs and runs after the ball] Okay, Anti-Sparky. It's time for you to take Sparky's place and make the Turners miserable.
Anti-Sparky: You got it, Poop.
Foop: It's Foop. [Anti-Sparky growls at him and he screams] Ah! Sorry I corrected you again! Don't hurt me!
[Cut to Paris. Sparky follows the ball down the Eiffel Tower, and it bounces toward a mime]
Sparky: Hey, can you grab that ball? [the ball bounces past the mime, who contorts his body into a square shape] Oh, sorry. You're stuck in a box. I'll get it. [runs after the ball]
[Cut to outside the Turners' house]
Mr. Turner: [to Anti-Sparky] Hey, Sparky! Ooh, I think you stayed in the pool too long. You've turned blue and your eyes are red. Also, you smell like a graveyard. Anyway, check out the new diamond grill I got to go with my diamond grill! [grinning] Eeh! I've always wanted one of these ever since I saw one at the store fifteen minutes ago! [Anti-Sparky zaps the grill to pieces with his tail] My new grill! [cries] I'm so sad, I don't even wanna ask how you can shoot lasers from your tail! [cries and runs inside. Anti-Sparky flies to the pool]
Mrs. Turner: Hey, Sparky! I'm practicing the dive you taught me! [jumps off a diving board and falls into the floor of the pool. Anti-Sparky has drained the water] That was mean. You've broken my heart. [beat] And my body.
[Cut to Timmy drinking soda on a hammock]
Timmy: Ahh... This is the life. It's great having a dog that does my homework for me. [Anti-Sparky shows up] Hey, Sparky. How are things going?
Anti-Sparky: Exactly as planned. [laughs evilly]
Timmy: That's great, buddy. Uh... wait. What does that mean? And what happened to your voice?
Anti-Sparky: Um... I have a cold. Flu allergies. By the way, I signed you up for an extra-credit project. You'll be cleanin' up trash on the side of the highway after school and every Saturday—for the next ten years.
Timmy: [spasming] Doi! Doi! Doi! What?!
Anti-Sparky: Don't worry. You won't be alone.
Mr. Crocker: Come on, Turner! Grab a pointy stick! We've gotta clean up an overturned fish truck on the sunny side of the highway! [Anti-Sparky throws Timmy into Crocker's van]
Timmy: Mr. Crocker, this is a mistake! I didn't sign up for this!
Crocker: Yeah? Well, I didn't sign up to be a bitter middle-aged man who has ears on his neck. Do you know how weird it is to hear yourself swallow? [drives off. Anti-Sparky laughs evilly and flies off]
[Fade to the house at sunset]
Timmy: This has been the worst day ever! All because of Sparky!
Mr. Turner: Yeah. Not only did he blast my new grill, break your mother, and force you to pick up fish with Mr. Crocker, he also buried the couch! [the Turners are sitting on a mound of dirt] Also, Jimmy the Lock is mysteriously missing. [the Turners start crying]
Foop: [outside] Outstanding work, Anti-Sparky. [petting him] You truly are man's worst friend. Oh, my. It's like petting your own coffin. [he and Anti-Sparky disappear]
[Cut to the Anti-Fairy Council building. A big screen shows the Turners crying. Foop and Anti-Sparky appear]
Foop: Oh! What am I doing here?
Anti-Fairy Council Member #1: Foop, we summoned you to the Anti-Fairy Council because...
Foop: I didn't do it! The guy who TP'd your house was another square, blue baby with a mustache.
Anti-Fairy Council Member #2: Silence. We brought you here to commend you for wreaking havoc on the Turners' lives.
Anti-Fairy Council Member #3: Using an evil pet to bring misery to humans was a stroke of genius.
Foop: Yes, that's what I am—a genius. Not the guy who spent six hours toilet papering a house when, in fact, he has a magic bottle that could have done it instantly.
Anti-Fairy Council Member #1: Foop, since your plan worked so well on a small scale, we want you take it up a notch.
Foop: You mean, TP your entire neighborhood? Yes! [beat] Oh. You mean my other plan.
Anti-Fairy Council Member #2: Foop, we want you to replace all the beloved pets in Dimmsdale with evil creatures from the Anti-Fairy World pet store.
Foop: Oh, me likey! Once I make the switch, Dimmsdale will be plunged into eternal misery!
Anti-Sparky: Don't raise your voice!
Foop: [screams and lands in council member #1's arms] I have to go to the potty, but I can't!
[Fade to black]
Act 2[]
[Fade in on Anti-Fairy World]
Grim Reaper: Well, this stinks. I'm booked to take seven souls before noon tomorrow. There go my brunch plans. I better call Mom. [on the phone] Hello, Mom, it's the Grim Reaper. [crying comes from the phone] Stop crying. That's not why I'm calling. [Foop and Anti-Sparky appear]
Foop: Hello, Mr. Reaper. I'm back!
Grim Reaper: Lemme guess—you wanna return the dog. Everyone does. Well, the ones who survive, anyway.
Foop: No, no. The dog is working out swimmingly. As a matter of fact, I need more evil pets. How much for everything in the store?
Grim Reaper: I'll give you a thousand dollars.
Foop: What?
Grim Reaper: All right, two thousand. Just get 'em outta here. That sharkvark freaks me out. [the sharkvark bites at him]
Foop: Deal. [reaches for the money]
Anti-Sparky: [taking the money] I'll take that!
Foop: Oh, come on. Can't we go halfsies? [Anti-Sparky uses his tail to cut him in half, and he screams] That's not what I meant! Now to bring misery to the happy pet owners of Dimmsdale. [poofs himself and Anti-Sparky away]
Crocker: Ahh! A 43-year-old man having tea with his hairless cat on a Friday night. Does it get any better than this? [Girlfriend meows] You're right, Girlfriend. I'm 58! You just make me feel young! [an oven dings offscreen] Oh! [walking offscreen] Our scones are done! [Girlfriend disappears and the snake-upine appears in her place. Crocker returns with the scones] Gah! Girlfriend's been replaced by a monster! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! Besides being born 43— I mean, 58 years ago! [the snake-upine shoots quills that pin him to a wall] Gah! Not only is my beloved pet gone, but I can't reach the scones from here!
Mayor: Chompy, using city funds for a Hawaiian cruise instead of new traffic lights was a great idea. [outside the window, nine cars collide in an intersection] Whoops. Almost forgot my sunblock. [as he puts sunblock in his suitcase, Chompy is replaced by Bernie] You're not Chompy! I can't share a honeymoon cabin with a parrot. People will think I'm weird. [Bernie burns him and squawks] Sunblock's not gonna help this.
[Cut to Dimmsdale News]
Chet: This is Chet Ubetcha reporting with my adorable pet monkey and cheap ratings grabber, MC Bananas. In breaking news, all over Dimmsdale, people's beloved pets are being replaced by hideous evil creatures. People have reported being attacked by everything from a pit bull frog to an octocat to a grizzly hare! [a giant hare roars at a kid, who screams] This just in... my monkey has been replaced by a sharkvark! [the sharkvark starts attacking him] Cut to traffic! Cut to traffic!
[Wanda turns off the TV this is on. She, Timmy, and Cosmo are in Timmy's closet]
Cosmo: Hey! I've been waiting all day for the traffic report!
Wanda: Cosmo, something terrible is happening!
Cosmo: You're tellin' me. Now I'll never know how long it'll take me to drive to the airport.
Timmy: You don't need to drive. You can just poof yourself there. Besides, why do you wanna go to the airport anyway?
Cosmo: 'Cause they make you take your shoes off. And these high heels are killing me!
Timmy: Wanda, this is all starting to make sense.
Wanda: What? Going to the airport to take off your shoes? 'Cause that'll never make sense.
Cosmo: You know what doesn't make sense? Watching TV in the closet.
Wanda: Shh! Cosmo, we don't want Sparky to know we're in here. That mutt's gone mad.
Timmy: Guys, listen. If evil creatures are replacing all the pets in Dimmsdale, that explains why Sparky's been acting like a monster. Because he is one. [the closet rumbles. Anti-Sparky drives a crane down a street and uses a wrecking ball to smash houses. Timmy and the fairies watch this through Timmy's window]
Cosmo: Sparky's no monster. He's just doing a little house bowling. Go for the spare, Sparky!
Timmy: That's not Sparky! It's an evil impostor dog. We have to find out who's switching all the pets in Dimmsdale right away!
Cosmo: Relax. We got plenty of time. [the wrecking ball destroys the house and everyone screams] On second thought, we should go now.
Timmy: I just thought of something else. If that's an impostor, then where's my dog?
[Cut to Spain. The ball bounces by, and Sparky shows up and looks around]
Sparky: Olé, señor. Have you seen a runaway ball? [a man points. Sparky goes behind a wall, then starts running away from bulls] I said "runaway ball", not "runaway bulls"! [bulls stampede him and he screams. The ball bounces in front of him and a bull kicks it away]
[Cut to Anti-Sparky]
Timmy: Listen up, evil dog. We're on to you. I don't know exactly who you are or what you're up to or what you've done to my dog, but...
Cosmo: No offense, Timmy, but it doesn't sound like we're on to him at all.
Timmy: It doesn't matter! 'Cause you and Wanda are gonna use your magic to blast him back to wherever he came from! [the fairies raise their wands]
Foop: [offscreen] You'll do no such thing! [zaps the wands into the air. The fairies scream. Anti-Sparky eats the wands]
Timmy: Foop! I should've realized you were behind this.
Foop: That's right! I switched all the good pets with evil ones. Now everyone in Dimmsdale is miserable while their beloved pets are locked away forever at a secret location in the Anti-Fairy World pet store. Whoops. Gave away the secret.
Timmy: You'll never get away with this! 'Cause we're gonna stop you!
Foop: In your dreams! Sic him, Anti-Sparky!
Anti-Sparky: I told you, never raise your voice!
Foop: You know what, mister? I've had just about enough of your empty threats. [Anti-Sparky eats him] Oh, look. There's a family in here.
Anti-Sparky: And now to take care of you. [growls and fires a laser at Timmy, who runs away screaming. Timmy and the fairies round a street corner]
Crocker: [offscreen] Girlfriend! [the fairies turn into balloons] Girlfriend, I've got a can of tuna! Albacore!
Timmy: Uh, Mr. Crocker? Your cat's not in Dimmsdale.
Crocker: I wasn't looking for my cat. I was looking for a girlfriend. I thought the can of tuna might do the trick. But now that you mention it, I really miss my cat.
Timmy: She's in Anti-Fairy World with all the other pets in Dimmsdale, including my dog, Sparky!
Crocker: Anti-Fairy World, huh? Well, I may have a way to get us there. To the Crocker Cave!
Attractive Woman: Hey, handsome. I'm rich and single. Is that a can of tuna you're holding?
Crocker: Not now, toots! I've got a bald cat to save! [zips off, leaving the tuna, which lands on the woman's head]
[Fade to a portal in the Crocker Cave]
Crocker: I built this thing to take me to Fairy World, but I think I can use it to take us to Anti-Fairy World instead. I just have to perform a highly technical adjustment. Hand me that sonic calibrator. [Timmy gives him a wrench. He throws it at the display on the portal so that instead of reading "Destination: Fairy World", it reads "Destination: Anti-Fairy World"] Let's go get those pets!
Timmy: Wait! Before we do that, we gotta get all the evil pets and return them to Anti-Fairy World. But we'll need some bait.
Crocker: Swedish meatballs should work. [spills Swedish meatballs in the portal. The impostor pets enter and start eating them] I knew it! Only something truly evil would eat non-Italian meatballs! [uses the portal to teleport the pets away]
Timmy: I wonder why Sparky's evil impostor didn't want the meatballs. Then again, he's probably full from the Johnsons. Anyway, let's do this. [Crocker uses the portal to teleport the two of them away]
[Cut to the pet store]
Grim Reaper: I gotta say, these animals are way nicer than that last group. Not one of 'em has spit acid at me or tried to eat any of my Swedish meatballs. [the impostor pets appear, tackle him, and start eating his meatballs] You scared me to death! [beat] Which is me! [Timmy and Crocker appear. Timmy pulls a lever that releases the other pets from cages]
Crocker: Girlfriend, I've missed you so! [Girlfriend coughs up a ball of skin] Oh, how cute. You coughed up a little skin ball. Come on, Turner. Let's get all these pets home.
Timmy: Wait! Sparky's not here!
Wanda: Oh, don't worry, Timmy. He's probably back on Earth. We'll find him.
Crocker: Your talking balloon is right, Turner. If we hurry, Girlfriend and I can get to the diner for the early bird special. She loves the scampi, and I love eating dinner before 5 because I'm 58 years old! [teleports Timmy, the pets, and himself away]
[Cut to Timmy's TV]
Chet: [on TV] This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news! All of Dimmsdale's beloved pets have magically returned! [pictures of people hugging pets are shown] In related news, I've got a monkey on my back. And his name is MC Bananas. You're my favorite prime-time primate. [MC Bananas gives him a paper] This just in: All the missing pets were seen fleeing from schoolteacher Denzel Crocker's house. As a result, he's been arrested for pet-napping. [the TV shows police carrying Crocker]
Crocker: You're making a mistake! I didn't kidnap the pets! I rescued them from a magical place across the universe! Ask Girlfriend, my bald cat! Wow, that sounds crazy!
Wanda: [as Timmy turns off the TV] Sport, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we should probably help Mr. Crocker.
Timmy: Can we wait 'til I graduate high school? [the fairies look displeased] No, you're right. But first we gotta find the real Sparky and get rid of the fake one.
Anti-Sparky: [appears] You'll never get rid of me. [tries to zap Timmy]
Timmy: Guys, do something!
Wanda: We can't. He swallowed our wands, along with Foop and that kid who's late for school.
Anti-Sparky: [tries to zap Timmy] Time for you to feel the burn... without the cardiovascular benefits! [Cosmo kicks him in the belly, making him spit out Foop, the Johnsons, and the wands]
Timmy: Great shot, Cosmo!
Cosmo: What? I was just trying to kick off these high heels.
Mr. Johnson: Thanks for getting us out of the dog. Johnson family cheer! One, two, three...
Johnsons: Johnsons rule! [they leave]
Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda! Grab your wands and poof this poser away!
Wanda: Sorry, Timmy, but it's unsanitary.
Timmy: Just do it! [the fairies pick up the wands]
Cosmo: You're going back to the Anti-Fairy World pet store! Seriously, this wand is totally gross. [he and Wanda make a swirling portal appear]
Anti-Sparky: Do you really think you can lure me into that vortex to Anti-Fairy World? What kind of a moron do you think I... [Timmy sticks a squeaky toy in the portal] Squeaky toy! [flies into the portal]Nooo![the portal disappears]
Timmy: Well, that takes care of him.
Wanda: We've gotta go disinfect our wands, Timmy. We'll be right back. [she and Cosmo poof away]
Foop: Timmy Turner, you foiled my plan! And for that, [pointing his bottle at Timmy] you're going to pay! [Timmy screams. The ball comes in through the window and lands in his Foop's hand] Huh. This tennis ball looks familiar. Kinda like the one I threw at...
Sparky: [flying in through the window] Ball! [Foop screams and Sparky tackles him] You made me chase this ball all over Europe. And while I had a lovely time filled with treasured memories, you're gonna pay! [the Anti-Fairy Council appears]
Anti-Fairy Council Member #1: We'll take it from here. Foop needs to be punished for failing to execute our evil plan.
Foop: Something tells me this trip won't be filled with treasured memories. [he is magically lifted up and he and the Council disappear]
Timmy: Sparky! I thought I'd never see you again.
Sparky: I wouldn't let that happen, Timmy. As the French say, [in a French accent] "Get out of my restaurant, you stupid dog!"
Mr. Turner: Oh, no! It's the dog that made us miserable!
Timmy: No, Dad, that dog was a fake. This is the real Sparky.
Sparky: [holding up bags of money] I won an all-you-can-eat pasta contest in Italy. I mean... [gives Mr. and Mrs. Turner the money] bark!
Mr. Turner: Yay! We're rich again! Which means I can be happy!
Mrs. Turner: And I can have an equally shallow reason to be happy!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Yay! [they leave]
Cosmo: Good news, Timmy! We disinfected our wands and got rid of all the yucky dog drool!
Sparky: Guys! I'm so glad to see you! [licks Cosmo and Wanda]
Wanda: [groans] We'll be right back, sport. [she and Cosmo poof away]
Timmy: Well, it's great to have everything back to normal. Although I do feel like I'm forgetting something.
[Cut to a tunnel leading out of Dimmsdale Prison]
Crocker: I'm free! Start the car, Girlfriend! [runs into his van, which Girlfriend crashes into a tree] Oh, great. Now we're both hairless.
