Timmy: Hey, Sparky, what's with the hearts floating over your head? Are you in love?
Cosmo: Sure looks that way. If he had to go to the bathroom, there'd be a kidney floating over his head. [a kidney appears over his own head and he sees it] I'll be right back. [disappears. A toilet flushes offscreen and he reappears with toilet paper stuck to his foot]
Sparky: I am in love, Timmy. [pointing ahead] Check it out! [Timmy looks through bushes and sees a female dog]
Sparky: Yeah, her name is Peaches. She's beautiful... and smart... [Peaches walks into a tree three times] okay, she's beautiful. The point is she's my one true love... She's all I can think about!
Dinkleberg: [comes outside] Hi, Timmy! [the fairies turn into birds] I see you've met my new dog, Peaches. I rescued her from the pound while I was on my way home from saving a group of senior citizens from a burning bingo hall. Here, Timmy... you can have my reward money.
Mr. Turner: [comes outside wearing a bath towel] Don't you dare give free money to my son, you monster!
Dinkleberg: Okay, then how about some homemade brownies? They're sugarless, gluten-free, and they actually help you stay fit.
Mr. Turner: Keep your hippie brownies to yourself, you bottomless well of evil!
Dinkleberg: Well, I guess I deserve that! I should've brought a glass of wholesome, refreshing milk! [goes inside]
Timmy: Dad, what is wrong with you?!
Mr. Turner: Ohhh, lots of things! In fact, your mother made a list!
Timmy: No, Dad, I'm talking about the way you treat Mr. Dinkleberg. Why can't you just get along with him? Like the way Sparky gets along with his dog Peaches.
Sparky: [to Peaches] So, what do you like to do? [Peaches starts eating something offscreen] Oh, eat poop with a bee on it. Cool.
Mr. Turner: Sparky Turner! Back away from that Dinkledog! No Turner shall ever associate with a Dinkleberg. [jumps into Dinkleberg's yard, leaving his towel] You're coming with me.
Sparky: My eyes! [Mr. Turner drops him in his yard]
Timmy: Uh, Dad, aren't you overreacting?
Mr. Turner: Probably. Overreacting is number 243 on your mother's list of things that are wrong with me. Number 249 is running outta the house without any clothes on. [a woman screams offscreen] Hi, Mrs. Shikadance!
[Fade to Timmy's room]
Sparky: [looking out the window] I can't believe your dad won't let me see Peaches, Timmy. Look at her. She's pretty... and graceful... [she trips on her ear and tumbles into trash cans] Okay, she's pretty.
Timmy: Sparky, I'm sorry my dad gets so crazy and unreasonable.
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Those are numbers 122 and 48 on your mom's list!
Timmy: But you're a magic dog! You can just poof over to Peaches any time you want.
Sparky: You're right. Your dad will never know. [poofs to Peaches and holds up a bouquet. Mr. Turner shines a searchlight on him from a watchtower]
Mr. Turner: You're busted, Romeo! [a net catches Sparky and takes him offscreen. A woman screams offscreen] Hi, Mrs. Lettergerber!
[Fade to the Turners' house. Sparky is looking out Timmy's window. He sighs]
Timmy: Poor Sparky. He's brokenhearted.
Wanda: You can tell by the broken hearts floating over his head.
Cosmo: I thought those were broken butts. I broke my butt once. It's still cracked to this day.
Timmy: Cosmo, what is wrong with you?!
Cosmo: Oh, lots of things! Wanda made a list. [poofs in a list that pushes Wanda to the ground as it unfurls]
Wanda: Ow!
Cosmo: That's number 26. Recklessly unfurling lists.
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Oh, Sparky! [the fairies turn into goldfish. Mr. Turner enters wearing the towel] I feel bad that I won't let you see that Dinklebeast next door.
Timmy: So you're gonna let Sparky hang out with Peaches? And possibly hopefully get dressed?
Mr. Turner: Heavens no! That would show a level of maturity that number 71 on the list clearly states I don't have. Anyway, I've decided to fix Sparky up with a new lady dog to take his mind off Peaches. [whistles. A seal enters the room] Check her out, Sparky. She barks a lot, but she doesn't shed.
Timmy: That's a seal, Dad!
Mr. Turner: [to the seal] You lied to me! Get out! [the seal leaves] Let's bring in bachelorette number two. I found her in Mr. Crocker's yard. [whistles. Mrs. Crocker enters]
Timmy: Dad! That's Mrs. Crocker!
Mr. Turner: Ohhh, so she was telling the truth. [to her] Get out!
Mrs. Crocker: I'm gonna need a ride home.
Mr. Turner: Out![Mrs. Crocker runs away screaming] Alright, bachelorette number three... I think you're really gonna like this one... Come on in, Voodoo. [a growling wolf enters]
Timmy: Ahhh! Dad, that's a timber wolf!
Mr. Turner: No wonder it growled at me when I put lipstick on it. [Voodoo tackles him] Ahhhhh! I was just trying to make you look pretty, Voodoo! [Voodoo tackles him out the window]
Sparky: Face it, Timmy... [the fairies come out of the fishbowl] Your dad's never gonna let me date Peaches. [sighs and looks out the window] Look at her. She's not just pretty... She's clever too...
Wanda: Oh please. She left the bone on the ground and buried herself. [Peaches's tail wags]
Cosmo: I'm surprised she doesn't have a broken brain floating over her head.
Timmy: I have an idea, Sparky.
Sparky: There's no way I'm dating Mrs. Crocker.
Timmy: No, if we can just get my dad to like Peaches as much as you do, then he'll let you date her.
Cosmo: Judging by the wand floating over Timmy's head, I'd say he's about to make a wish... [Timmy sees the wand above him]
Wanda: That's your wand. [Cosmo takes the wand]
Timmy: I wish my dad liked Peaches as much as Sparky does. [the fairies grant the wish]
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Oh, Timmy! [the fairies turn back into goldfish] I have great news! I finally got dressed! Also, I like Peaches now!
Timmy: Does that mean you're gonna let Sparky spend time with her?
Mr. Turner: No way... That beautiful lady dog is all mine! I'm in love with her! [zips away]
Timmy: Okay... Unwish that wish. [the fairies raise their wands, which go limp]
Wanda: No can do, sport. It's against Da Rules to unwish true love.
Timmy: Are you saying my dad's romantically in love with Peaches? What, are you kidding me?! What are we gonna do?!
Sparky: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do! [poofs on a suit of armor] I'm gonna battle your dad for Peaches' love! [disappears]
Cosmo: It's boring living with you, Timmy. Nothing ever happens.
[Cut to outside Peaches's doghouse]
Mr. Turner: Get lost, Sparky! With this heart-shaped box of chocolates, I'm gonna win Peaches's heart-shaped heart.
Sparky: [holding a box of chocolates] In your dreams, old man. I will bury you. Seriously, in the backyard, next to my favorite tennis ball.
Mr. Turner: Oooo... Someone learned a fancy, new language just to impress Peaches. Well, two can play that game! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Dinkleberg: Hey, boys. Peaches is at the vet. She got stung by the bee in the poop she ate. But you're welcome to come in for some organic carob chip cookies.
Mr. Turner: I said no hippie food, you ambassador of the underworld! [he and Sparky growl at each other, then part ways, then come back and growl at each other, then leave again]
[Fade to night. Peaches is on Dinkleberg's balcony]
Sparky: [playing a banjo]♪ Peaches ♪ ♪ I wanna take you to the beaches ♪ ♪ If you fell in a swamp ♪ ♪ I'd pick off the leeches... ♪
Mr. Turner: [playing bongos]♪ Don't listen to Sparky... ♪ ♪ He's full of malarkey... ♪ ♪ If you want to drive... ♪ ♪ I will give you my car key ♪[Sparky growls and strums the banjo faster. Mr. Turner growls and hits the bongos faster. Sparky growls. Peaches hits her head against the balcony railing as she sneezes and then faints]
Sparky: I think she's allergic to your lack of talent.
Mr. Turner: Well, I think she's allergic to your face! [he and Sparky growl and start fighting]
Timmy: Guys, this is ridiculous!
Cosmo: I'll say... They're terrible musicians. Take a lesson!
Timmy: That's it. I've gotta talk some sense into my dad.
[Fade to the Turners' kitchen table]
Timmy: Canned peaches? Peach cobbler? Peach juice? [those and other foods made with peaches are on the table] Dad, you've got a problem.
Mr. Turner: You're telling me. Since I told your mom I like Peaches, she keeps making me peach desserts I don't want. Between you and me, I think she's gone insane.
Timmy: No, Dad... that's you. You're in love with a dog. And only dogs are supposed to be in love with other dogs.
Mr. Turner: I see where you're going with this, Timmy. You make a valid point. Clearly, I need to dress like a dog. [zips away. Timmy looks out a window and sees him in a dog costume] Woof! Woof, Peaches! It's me! The man, I mean, dog of your dreams!
Dog Catcher: Come here, you mangy mutt! [catches Mr. Turner in a net and puts him in a dog catcher van] You're goin' to the pound. [the van drives off]
Timmy: Well, that didn't go the way I wanted it to... but at least my dad's outta the way.
Wanda: Timmy, they're taking your dad to the pound. Aren't you worried?
Timmy: Nah, they'll eventually figure out he's a guy in a dog suit and let him go.
Cosmo: Either that or they'll put a tracking chip in him and give him his shots.
Timmy: Now let's get Peaches to fall for Sparky. Then when my dad finds out, he'll come to his senses and fall out of love with her.
Wanda: We just have to get Peaches to see something in Sparky that she really likes.
Cosmo: I know where you're goin' with this, Wanda. Clearly we need to cover Sparky in bees and poop.
Timmy: I've got a better idea.
[Fade to the Turners' yard]
Sparky: Timmy... why exactly am I wearing this suit made of meat?
Timmy: Dogs love meat. And Peaches is a dog. So if you wear this, you're bound to attract Peaches.
Cosmo: So if I wear a suit of peaches, would I attract meat? Okay, I realize that was a stupid question. You can tell by the stupid question marks floating over my head.
Sparky: Well, Timmy, if you think this is gonna work, I'll give it a try. [walks off]
Timmy: Trust me! Sparky. She'll be all over you! [Voodoo tackles Sparky]
Wanda: Well, Voodoo was all over him.
Cosmo: Boy, Timmy, you really can be stupid sometimes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna put on a peach vest so I can attract a meat loaf. [does so] Gah! Bees! [screams and flies away from a swarm of bees that chases him offscreen] Ow! My peach fuzz! [the dog catcher van pulls up]
Dog Catcher: [tossing Mr. Turner out] Beat it, nutjob!
Mr. Turner: Well, at least I got my shots. [Voodoo regurgitates Sparky beside him] Uhh, hey, Sparky. This has gotten out of hand.
Sparky: You're tellin' me. I just got eaten by a wolf.
Mr. Turner: Cry me a river. While I was at the pound, some weird family tried to adopt me and change my name to Boodles.
Sparky: Maybe we should just stop fighting and let Peaches decide who she wants to be with. Although I'm pretty sure it's me. [he and Mr. Turner growl at each other]
Timmy: Heel, guys! Peaches has already picked her boyfriend. And it's neither of you. [Peaches and Voodoo are together and hearts are floating above them]
Sparky: Well, that figures. They always go for the bad boys.
Mr. Turner: What was I even thinking falling in love with a dog? I must have been delusional and insane. [to Timmy] Which are numbers 18 and 304 on your mother's list. [a car with a crying kid in it pulls up]
Kid: Boodles, come home!
Mr. Turner: Get away from me, weirdos. [the kid cries and the car drives off]
Timmy: You okay, Sparky?
Sparky: Yeah. Turns out Voodoo has a sister. She's beautiful and gentle... [Voodoo's sister catches a bird in her mouth and licks her lips] Well, she's beautiful.
[Iris out on Sparky and Timmy]
Mr. Turner and Sparky: [playing bongos and the banjo]♪ And so ends the story of Peaches... ♪ ♪ When we sing, it sounds more like screeches! ♪
