Lights...Camera...Adam!/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Lights...Camera...Adam!"
Season	4
Episode	6
Airdate	June 1, 2004
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Lights...Camera...Adam!" from Season 4, which aired on June 1, 2004.

Script

[Fade in on the Hollywood Sign. Cosmo and Wanda are at Hollywood and Vine as balloons]

• Wanda: Hooray for Hollywood! Everything's so real!

[A car speeds by. The resulting gust of wind tears off the nearby woman's fake nose and the nearby man's wig and dentures, exposing him as an old man. The man catches the dentures in a glass of water and walks away with a cane]

• Cosmo: Yeah, real fake! Why'd you poof us here, Timmy?
• Timmy: Because this is where they're filming the big-budget Crimson Chin movie—right here at...

[Cut to a trolley]

• Tour Guide: Major Motion Studios! If we made it, it's a major motion picture! If we didn't, it's probably a hit. [as the trolley drives by a soundstage] Behind that wall is where they're filming the multimillion-dollar Crimson Chin movie starring TV's Adam West!
• Timmy: Finally!

[A sign on a wall reads: "Closed set! No admittance"]

• Tour Guide: But none of you are allowed in because you're not important enough.
• Timmy: What? Wait! Wait! That's the whole reason I wanted to come to Hollywood!
• Tour Guide: [scoffs] What did you expect? TV's Adam West to show up, offer you a part in a movie, and whisk you away to stardom?

[The other tourists laugh. Timmy is dejected]

• Adam West: [in the driver's seat] That's a spectacular idea, movie fan.
• Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, and Tourists: TV's Adam West?
• Adam: Where? [chuckles] I love that gag. [to Timmy] Come on, junior movie buff—there's no time to dawdle. Even as we sit here, the producers of the Crimson Chin movie are looking for someone to portray Cleft, the Boy Chin Wonder! That someone could be you, or my name isn't...
• Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, and Tourists: TV's Adam West!
• Adam: Where? [chuckling] Man, that's always funny! To the audition!

[Adam grabs a streetlight with the grapple gun and he and Timmy swing away. Fade to Adam's trailer, where Cosmo and Wanda disguise themselves as trophies]

• Cosmo: All right! I finally have a trophy wife! [looks at Wanda] Shouldn't you be younger? [Wanda melts him with laser eyes] And not have heat vision?
• Adam: Timmy, I'm glad you're here. You're perfect to play opposite me as Cleft, the Boy Chin Wonder. And I don't say that to everyone.
• P.A.: Five minutes, Mr. West.
• Adam: Right! I'm glad you're here. You're perfect to play opposite me as Cleft, the Boy Chin Wonder. And I don't say that to everyone.

[Timmy becomes angry]

• P.A.: Woo-hoo! [leaves]
• Adam: Well, better get into character.

[Adam puts on the hood of the Crimson Chin costume he is wearing and presses a button on it that extends the chin. He flexes his muscles and clenches his buttocks to make the fake muscles come out]

• Adam: Now... to the manly makeup trailer! [fires the grapple gun above the door] You gotta get one of these. I have one 'cause I'm a star.

[Adam swings out of the trailer. Timmy puts the movie's script in a wastebasket and burns it with a flamethrower]

• Wanda: Why are you destroying that script?
• Cosmo: Yeah! Usually the actor does that on the screen!
• Timmy: I don't need to rehearse! I've got the part of Cleft locked up! I wish I had my costume! [the fairies poof him into his Cleft costume] Cool! And now I wish I could go into the book, research the part, and become one with my inner Cleft! Let's get method!

[The fairies poof Timmy into a Crimson Chin comic book. The three of them appear on a Chincinnati sidewalk. A passing vehicle splashes mud on Timmy]

• Timmy: Okay, that's enough.

[The fairies poof everyone out of the comic]

• Timmy: Awesome! Now I'm a shoo-in to get the part!

[Timmy grabs a light fixture outside with a grappling hook from his Utility Cleft and swings out of the trailer]

• Cosmo: I gotta get one of those! He has one 'cause he's a star!

[Cosmo and Wanda disappear. The Bronze Kneecap laughs evilly as he reaches out of the book. Fade to a movie set]

• Famous Director: All right, people, let's get these auditions over with. My daughter's getting her first facial peel, and I promised her I would be there.

[A woman powders Timmy's face. Cosmo and Wanda appear as studio lights]

• Assistant: Timmy Turner, auditioning for the part of Cleft.

[A clapperboard is clapped in front of Timmy, who is being filmed against a backdrop of a burning city]

• Assistant: Take one!
• Timmy: I—
• Famous Director: Next! Thank you!

[A hook pulls Timmy off camera]

• Timmy: Wow, tough room.
• Wanda: Aw, don't worry, Timmy! They probably want a more experienced actor!
• P.A.: [to the director] I brought the donuts!
• Famous Director: [looks at the donuts with a monocular] Brilliant! That's him! That's my Cleft!

[The P.A. grins with stars in his eyes. A powder puff is put on his face. When the powder clears up, he is in a Cleft costume]

• Timmy: What?! Those lines weren't even in the script!
• Famous Director: Son, I think I know what I'm doing. If I didn't, would I have cast TV's Adam West?
• Adam: [to the P.A., pointing to the script] How do you pronounce this word?
• P.A.: "Chin".
• Adam: Thanks. You know, I don't normally say this to everyone, but you'd be perfect for the part of Cleft!
• Famous Director: [to Timmy] Still, [looking at him through the monocular] you do look a little like Cleft. [Timmy grins] Perhaps there is something you can do.

[Clapperboard transition to the filming of a scene in which the Titanium Toenail is about to launch Cleft from a giant slingshot]

• P.A.: [flatly] Help, Crimson Chin. Help.
• Famous Director: Cut! Bring in the stunt Cleft!

[Timmy is put in the P.A.'s place]

• Timmy: So, what? I fly through the air and land in a big, fluffy air bag and emerge completely unharmed?
• Famous Director: Air bag? Ha ha, funny. And action!

[The Toenail's actor launches Timmy, who screams as he flies into a giant monster, falls through its body, and comes out through its tail. He bounces into a mud puddle, then is sprayed with fire extinguishers]

• Famous Director: Great! Print! If anyone needs me, I'll be at the vet. [walking away] My dog is getting his first liposuction, and I promised him I'd be there.

[The Bronze Kneecap laughs evilly from offscreen and grabs the director by the throat]

• Famous Director: Easy! That's my new Hollywood throat!

[The director screams as he is attacked offscreen. Cut to Timmy wringing his hat]

• Wanda: Timmy, are you okay?
• Cosmo: Are you kidding? Did you see the dangerous, life-threatening stunts they let him do despite the fact that he's a minor?
• Timmy: Yeah! That was great! I can't wait to see what amazing, Chintastic action comes next!

[Cut to the filming of a scene set outside Chincinnati National Bank]

• Bronze Kneecap: [disguised as a director] And... we're rolling! Action!

[A clapperboard is clapped. A trio of robbers leaving the bank with bags of money gasps when they notice the Crimson Chin, played by Adam, in front of them]

• Adam: By my mother's mandible... I say... dance!

[Adam and the robbers start doing what becomes an Irish dance]

• Timmy: Hey! This foofy dance isn't in the script! Where's the huge superhero fight? Where's the heroic rescue?
• Bronze Kneecap: Out of the movie! [to Adam] Now... go to wardrobe and get fitted for your sailor suit!
• Timmy: What? The Crimson Chin does not wear a sailor suit!
• Adam: And neither does TV's Adam West, you rapscallion! [the Kneecap gives him a bag of money] But now he does! I like this rewrite a lot. And I don't just say that about any script! To the sailor suit! [leaves with the suit]

[Fade to the Kneecap directing another scene]

• Bronze Kneecap: And... action!

[A standee of the Kneecap is lowered by Adam, who is now wearing the suit over his costume]

• Adam: Holy overbites! I'm so afraid, I dropped anchor! [the sound of an anchor dropping is heard]
• Cosmo: [as a chair] Uh... that doesn't seem very heroic.
• Timmy: I know! If this keeps up, the movie will ruin the Crimson Chin's reputation, and his comic book will get cancelled!
• Wanda: [as a chair] It's almost like the new director is going out of his way to make the Chin—and you—look bad!

[Timmy is wearing a dress]

• Timmy: [reading the front page of the new script] "Crimson Chin: The Movie. A Frank Knee Capra production." That's no director! That's the Crimson Chin's archnemesis: the Bronze Kneecap! Where'd he come from?
• Wanda: Maybe out of that door to the comic book world you never bothered to close?
• Timmy: Oops! Oh, yeah. Good point.
• Wanda: Should we poof him back?
• Timmy: No. I have a better idea. We're gonna beat the Kneecap at his own game! [holding up a Crimson Chin comic] But first, I need to schedule a special guest appearance!

[Fade to Adam beating up a plushie resembling an old woman]

• Adam: Who you calling "sonny"?

[The plushie is wheeled away]

• Bronze Kneecap: Places, everyone!
• Timmy: The only place you're going is San Quen-Chin Prison, Frank Knee Capra! Or should I say...

[Cosmo, as Clefto, removes the Kneecap's beret and mask]

• Timmy: Bronze Kneecap!
• Bronze Kneecap: So... the real Boy Chin Blunder has found the flaw in my plot! Very well. [tears off the rest of his director costume] Let's just skip right to the scene where I, the Bronze Kneecap, with my Big Bronze Kneecap, put the Chin's life on the cutting room floor!

[A rocket comes out of the Kneecap's knee, which is pointed at Adam]

• Adam: Wait! [looking in the script] There's nothing in here about me dying a horrible real death!

[The Kneecap launches the rocket. Timmy uses his grappling hook to pull Adam out of its way, and it hits a wall]

• Adam: That wasn't in here either, but it was good—very good! I like this rewrite a lot. And I don't just say that about any script!
• Timmy: Your directing days are over, Bronze Kneecap! You'll never work in this town again!
• Bronze Kneecap: Well, you'll never work in this life again!

[Five more rockets come out of the Kneecap's knee and he laughs evilly]

• Timmy: [into a walkie-talkie] And... action!
• Crimson Chin: [offscreen] Did somebody call for a rewrite?
• Ace (Wanda) and Clefto (Cosmo): It's the real Crimson Chin!
• Singers: ♪ The Crimson Chin! ♪
• Adam: But I'm right here! I am the Chin! It's already on my resume!
• Crimson Chin: [jumps up to the Kneecap] Villain, it's time to put your criminal production in turnaround!

[With his chin, the Crimson Chin knocks the Kneecap out of the soundstage and into the Hollywood Sign. He then flies up to him]

• Crimson Chin: Who said it's hard to get breaks in Hollywood?

[The Kneecap hits the Crimson Chin with a laser from his knee, pushing him into the sign of Dann's Chinese Theatre. Part of the word Chinese breaks off when the Crimson Chin hits it, leaving only Chin. The Chin falls to the ground, and he signs above the impression his buttocks left in the cement where he landed. He flies off and people cheer. He and the Kneecap collide in the air. Cut to a talk show set, where a man who appears to be Jay Leno is hosting Britney Britney]

• Talk Show Host: Britney, I feel the same way about asparagus!

[The Chin crashes through the ceiling and lands on the desk]

• Talk Show Host: Hey, everybody, it's TV's Adam West. Adam, have you met pop music's Britney Britney?
• Crimson Chin: Ma'am, you're very pretty, but my heart belongs to a lady... named [holding up the Kneecap] Justice!

[The Chin uppercuts the Kneecap with his chin. The Kneecap screams as he goes flying out of the studio and falls through the roof of Adam's trailer and into the comic book he came from]

• Bronze Kneecap: [as he is sucked into the book] I'll see you in the sequel, which always does better than the original in the opening weekend but is never as good as the original!

[The book closes. Whip pan to Adam using a camera on a platform dolly]

• Adam: Cut! Print! Finally, I got to direct... in a sailor suit! [putting on a racing helmet] And now I'm a race car driver! Sweet. Dreams really do come true! [revs up and rides the dolly away]
• Crimson Chin: Good work, Cleft! Your timely warning got me out here to make sure I wasn't ruined in the eyes of the American viewing public!
• Timmy: Right! And thanks to TV's Adam West, we've got all the film we need to make sure your movie is the action-packed summer blockbuster it's destined to be!

[Fade to Dann's Chin Theatre, where Crimson Chin: The Movie is being shown. Despite the title card that reads "Starring Adam West", the movie uses footage of the Chin and the Kneecap's fight. People in the audience cheer]

• Timmy: This is great!
• Cosmo: I know! I can't believe they let dogs in here!
• Wanda: And the Crimson Chin is finally a big-screen hero! And he's half of Hollywood's hottest power couple!
• Crimson Chin: More popcorn, Britney Britney?
• Britney Britney: Thanks, TV's Adam West!
• Timmy: Hey, speaking of Adam... where is he?

[Cut to Adam at a concession stand]

• Dorky Kid: Here's your popcorn, Mr. West!
• Adam: You know, you'd be perfect to play the part of Cleft in the sequel. And I don't say that to everyone.
• Customers: Yes, he does!
• Adam: Curses! [uses his grapple gun to escape and then come back; to Dorky Kid] You've gotta get one of these. [taking the popcorn] And I've gotta get some of that... with salt! [leaves]

[The kid looks at the screen as it irises out on him. The end title card is shown]

• Adam: [in voice-over] Where?

[Fade to black]

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