Miss Idaho: Yes, yes, yes! And we can move to my father's solid-gold mansion! Of course, you'd have to give up your stupid obsession with fairies.
Crocker: Ooh, let's see... A lifetime of happiness with a millionaire beauty queen... or continuing my quest to capture mythical creatures that only I believe in? [beat] Later, baby! Who needs you? It's not like I'm gonna wind up living alone with my mother watching home movies of myself trying to figure out where I went wrong in my life. Eat my gravel, toots! [laughs and drives off in a convertible]
Miss Idaho: [tears up] Why?
[Truck out to reveal that this is on a screen in the Crocker Cave]
Crocker: Well, here I am living alone with my mother watching home movies and trying to figure out where I went wrong in my life. I have every moment of my pathetic existence on tape. [puts a videotape in a VCR and presses the "play" button] Mother never turned off the nanny cam after my first nanny... "disappeared". Let's take another look-see at Denzel Crocker's loser reel. [the screen shows a Crocker Cave made from pillows and couch cushions. A young Crocker and Cosmo and Wanda come out of it. The video is paused] Gah! Wait a minute! [looking at his legs] These socks don't match! And also... [spasming]I had fairies! I've been right all along. They do exist! [unpauses the video]
Young Crocker: Okay, dig it. It's my birthday, and Mother got me another stupid tie. So for my next wish, I want a magic set, Lazlo and Brenda.
Wanda: For the 800th time, our names are Cosmo and Wanda.
Young Crocker: I don't care! Grant me my groovy wish! [Cosmo and Wanda raise their wands, then Jorgen appears]
Jorgen: Denzel Crocker! Today you turn 11, and, as Da Rules state, I must now take your fairies away forever! Happy birthday! [blows a party horn]
Young Crocker: What? No! I'll make you a deal. How about I keep the fairies, and you take Mother?
Jorgen: No way! Your crazy mother is the reason you needed fairies in the first place. Now you're old enough to get therapy. Your fairies are going to a new godkid.
Cosmo: Well, I can't say it wasn't fun. Mostly 'cause I'm not allowed to. I signed a contract. Also, it wasn't fun.
Jorgen: Denzel, in a matter of hours, your memory of your fairies will be gone forever!
Cosmo: Ooh, I wish I could say the same about our memories of him. I mean, best fairy godkid ever! [all the fairies disappear. Young Crocker gasps]
Young Crocker and Present Crocker: Nooo!
Young Sparky: Hey, dude. I wrote you a song. [strums a guitar, which makes no noise] It's in a pitch only dogs and dolphins can hear. [continues strumming. A dolphin chirps offscreen] Everyone's a critic.
Crocker: I had a magical dog too? And he seems so familiar— Wait a minute! [beeping is heard] I left a burrito in the microwave. And also, that's Turner's dog!
Young Crocker: So, Jorgen thinks I'm done with fairies, eh? Little does he know of my ingenious plan to get them back. Behold, a fairy-tracking microchip!
Young Sparky: Far out! Does it come with a fairy-tracking onion dip?
Young Crocker: It's not that kinda chip, bozo! Once I plant this on you and say the trigger word, you'll instantly track down my fairies and bring them back to me!
Crocker: [holding a burrito] I can't believe it! I did something smart! Because of my clever pre-teen plan, my ruined life may be saved after all! [the burrito bursts from the pressure of his grip]
Young Crocker: [puts the microchip inside Sparky's tail] Okay. The trigger word is... under— [the video changes to one of Mrs. Crocker belly dancing]
Crocker: Gah! The horror! Mother taped over my video with her belly-dancing lessons! [babbles, hits his head against a control panel, and falls over. The screen turns to static] Now to use the trigger word on Turner's dog so he'll locate my former fairies! All I have to do is figure out what comes after "under". I don't want to alert Turner, so I'll take a super subtle approach.
[Fade to Timmy's room. Crocker is bouncing up to the window on a trampoline]
Timmy: Ah!
Crocker: Underachiever!
Timmy: Mr. Crocker? What are you doing?
Crocker: Undertaker!
Timmy: Okay.
Crocker: [grabs on to the windowsill] I gotta do this quickly, 'cause I don't have a lot of upper-body strength. Underwater! Undercooked! Underpaid! Under a Tuscan sun!
Timmy: Mr. Crocker, what's going on?
Crocker: Why do you ask? I don't pry into your life! Undertow! Underdog! Underbelly! Gah! Saying "underbelly" makes me think of Mother's dancing belly! Oh, fainting. [faints and bounces off the trampoline and into a thorn bush]
Wanda: That was weird.
Cosmo: And rude. Why is Timmy prying into Mr. Crocker's life?
Timmy: He's up to something.
Cosmo: Well, he was up about sixteen feet in the air. Now he's stuck in a thorn bush.
Crocker: [jumping up] Darn it! [lands in the bush] I'm stuck in this thorn bush, and I'm not wearing any underpants! [as an echo] Underpants! Underpants! Underpants! [the word underpants hits Sparky in the face and he enters a hypnotic trance]
Sparky: Must get Denzel Crocker's fairies. [picks up the fishbowl Cosmo and Wanda are in]
Timmy: Uh, Sparky? Where are you goin' with my fairies? [Sparky gets on the windowsill]
Mr. Turner: [wearing underwear over his pants] Timmy! Can you explain to me why they call these "underpants" [Sparky comes out of the trance] when you clearly wear them on the outside? [leaves. Sparky puts down the bowl and the fairies change into fairy form]
Cosmo: You know, the word underpants[Sparky reenters the trance] reminds me of my favorite song as a kid: "The [Sparky comes out of the trance] Underpants Dance"! [with each following utterance of underpants, Sparky enters or comes out of the trance]♪ The Underpants Dance! Come on and take a chance! ♪ ♪ Whether your name is Billy or Lance ♪ ♪ You can do the Underpants Dance! ♪ Underpants! Underpants! Underpants! Underpants!
Timmy: What's happening to Sparky?
Wanda: He seems to go into a trance every time he hears the U-word.
Cosmo: But nobody said asparagus.
Timmy: Mr. Crocker obviously knows something about Sparky that we don't.
Sparky: We could always check out my old home videos to see if we can find out what happened. I like to keep records of all my former owners for tax reasons... and alibis. [gives Timmy a DVD that he puts in a player. The TV shows Sparky skipping down a yellow brick road alongside a girl who appears to be Dorothy Gale, a scarecrow, a tin man, and a lion, then it shows a group of teenagers resembling the Scooby Gang and holding Sparky running away from a ghost and getting in a van labeled "The Mystery Mobile"]
Teenager: [offscreen] Zoinks, Sparky! [the van drives off. The TV shows a kid resembling Charlie Brown walking up to the doghouse Sparky is lying on]
Blockhead Kid: I got a rock.
Sparky: That's 'cause you're a victim, man. People pick up on that. [the TV shows Young Crocker and Sparky]
Timmy: Okay, I know Cosmo and Wanda used to be Mr. Crocker's fairies, but Sparky was his dog too? Why didn't you guys say anything?
Wanda: We didn't remember, sport. Fairies are notorious for having bad memories. Why do you think I call you "sport" all the time? I can't remember your name.
Cosmo: Fairies' brains are filled with mostly helium. It's how we float. My voice is like this 'cause I got a slow leak.
Young Crocker: [puts the chip in Sparky's tail] Okay, you'll bring my fairies back to me whenever you hear the trigger word, and that word is... underpants.
Young Sparky: [in a trance] Must get Denzel Crocker's fairies.
Timmy: Oh, no! Mr. Crocker brainwashed Sparky! [behind him, Sparky catches the fairies in a butterfly net and disappears. Young Sparky releases the fairies from a pot]
Young Crocker: My fairies! Good boy! Now gimme my magic set, Brenda and Lazlo! [the fairies do so] Oh, happy day!
Jorgen: [appears] Nice try, Denzel. Not only am I taking your fairies away again, but you can say hasta la vista to your hippie dog and magic set too! [he and those disappear]
Mrs. Crocker: [belly dancing] Denzel, I'm going to do the Dance of the Seven Veils!
Young Crocker: Gah! You're gonna need a lot more veils to cover that belly! Oh, fainting. [faints. The TV screen turns to static]
Timmy: Whoa. [shudders] You know what, guys? Despite everything evil Mr. Crocker's ever done to me, I kinda feel bad for him. I'd never wanna lose you guys. Guys? [wind blows in through the window]I hate you, Mr. Crocker!
[Cut to Crocker writing words beginning with under- on a chalkboard]
Crocker: Undercarriage... [knocking is heard and he opens the door to the cave]
Sparky: I brought you the fairies. Treat, please.
Crocker: What? My plan worked! I don't even know which "under" word did the trick! But who cares? Lazlo and Brenda have returned! Boy, I missed you guys. We had some good times together. [beat] Well, reunion's over! I'm gonna drain your magic with these scary-looking electrodes! Let's get this party started! [reaches into the net]
[Cut to the fairies strapped to a table, wearing helmets connected to electrodes]
Cosmo: A party? We should do the Underpants Dance! ♪ The Underpants Dance! It's a jaunty little prance! ♪ ♪ You can do it in England or France! ♪ ♪ Everybody do the Underpants Dance! ♪ Just the ladies!
Timmy: [slides down a pipe and hides behind a monitor] Psst! Sparky!
Crocker: Now hit the switch, dog! [Sparky starts to pull down a lever]
Timmy: Sparky, no! Underpants! [Crocker presses a button that makes a cage trap Timmy] Sparky, help! You have to save Cosmo and Wanda!
Crocker: Not a chance, Turner! Now that I know the trigger word, I can control the dog! Underpants!
Timmy: Two can play at this game. Underpants!
Crocker: I'm gonna need to put a muzzle on you. Underpants!
Sparky: Timmy... what's goin' on? What am I doing in the Crocker Cave? And why do I feel like I've been under the Tuscan sun for too long?
Timmy: I'll explain later. Just untie Cosmo and Wanda. [Sparky does so] Guys, poof us outta here before Mr. Crocker wakes up!
Wanda: You got it... uh, sport.
Timmy: Timmy!
Wanda: I should write that down. [the fairies raise their wands, then Cosmo sees the video]
Cosmo: Ah! The humanity! Oh, faint. [faints]
[Wanda poofs everyone to Timmy's room]
Cosmo: I had the worst nightmare. [to Wanda] You were there, and Tommy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Cosmo: You should write that down, Brenda.
Timmy: Okay, guys, to keep Mr. Crocker from activating Sparky again, we have to take out his microchip. [reaches into Sparky's tail] I think I got it. No, that's a potato chip. [takes out something else] Mm, poker chip. [takes out something else] Basket of fish and chips. [takes out something else] I got it! The microchip! I wish this thing was gone forever! [Wanda destroys the chip] It's great to have the three of you back, but I can't help but feel a little bad for Mr. Crocker. How about we poof him up the magic set he always wanted? [the fairies raise their wands and Sparky raises his tail]
[Cut to the Crocker Cave. The magic set appears in front of Crocker]
Crocker: The magic set I've always wanted! First thing I'm gonna do is saw Mother in half! Then I'm gonna do a trick from the magic set! [beat] Oh, who am I kidding? My obsession with fairies has once again ruined my life.
Miss Idaho: Hello, Denzel. I'm still single 'cause I've been waiting for you! Also, I have a rare genetic condition that prevents me from aging!
Crocker: Amazing! What do I have to do to get you back?
Miss Idaho: Just give up your silly obsession with fairies, and I'm all yours! [beat]
Crocker: Get lost, poser! [pulls a lever that makes the floor below her open up]
Miss Idaho: [screams and falls] It's dark down here.
Crocker: As long as Lazlo, Brenda, and the unnamed dog are out there, I'll never quit. But first, I'm gonna play with my magic hat. [a growling bear in the hat takes him in] Gah! Why?!
