Timmy: Oh boy! The 595th annual Dimmsdale Camelot Festival! Where you get to dress up and act like people from the Middle Ages!
Cosmo: Cool! [turns into a middle-aged man] I'm middle aged! [beat] You kids get off my lawn!
Timmy: No, I mean the long-ago time of knights and dragons and wizards! This shall be most awesome! But I'm going to need the best knight costume ever! [Cosmo and Wanda magically put him in costume and become his shield and horse] Come! [the visor on his helmet falls over his eyes] Let us sally forth into yonder fair! [Wanda rears and prances off. Fade to the fairgrounds. Timmy rides up to a man in a knight costume] Greetings, fellow knight! Shallst we quest for the Grail?
Knight: Um... I don't think so. I'm just here to point to where the porta-potties are. [pointing] Over there! [the standee that appeared to be his body falls over, revealing that he is standing on a ladder]
Timmy: [sarcastically] Thanks for the info, Sir Lance a Little! [starts to leave]
Knight: They always call me that here!
Timmy: Well, that stunk. Well, maybe we can at least find a wizard! [a puff of pink smoke appears in front of him]
Wizard: [jumps in front of Timmy] Did somebody say "wizard"?
Timmy: What kind of wizard are you?
Wizard: I'm... the Cleaning Wizard! [he opens his robe, revealing cleaning products in the inner pockets] How many times has this happened to you? You're riding in the forest, when suddenly... [puts manure on Cosmo]
Cosmo: Hey!
Wizard: You get cow manure on your talking shield! Well, the Cleaning Wizard makes almost all of it go all away! [sprays Cosmo with a "Cleaning Wizard" bottle]
Cosmo: [shouts] This is no way to treat a man my age. [fade to a sign reading "See the Dragon" above a tent]
Timmy: Verily! An actual dragon! [rides into the tent. A dragon head seems to magically appear. The audience gasps] Wow. That's really... [the dragon is a dog wearing a big fake dragon head. The dog falls over] pathetic. [the dog sees the head, becomes scared, and runs away] Man, this fair stinks!
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Moo...ve over, Timmy! [he and Mrs. Turner are in a two-person cow costume]
Mr. Turner: We can't see the dragon!
Timmy: Mom? Dad? [his parents show themselves]
Mr. Turner: Isn't this a great fair? Look what I bought! The Cleaning Wizard! [he throws manure at Cosmo and sprays him with the Cleaning Wizard] And this manure almost comes all the way off! [he wipes Cosmo, who coughs]
Timmy: This is the worst Camelot fair ever! [the visor falls over his eyes]
Mr. Turner: Camelot? [using glasses to look at a state fair map] I thought this was the state fair! Well, I'm going to win a blue ribbon anyway!
Mrs. Turner: Bye, son! [she and her husband leave the tent]
Timmy: [rides out of the tent] The knight's short, the wizard's a salesman, the dragon's fake... and... people are throwing manure at us!
Cosmo: Whaddaya mean, us?!
Timmy: Know what? I wish we were all in the real Middle Ages! [Wanda smiles at Cosmo, who grants the wish. Timmy lifts up his visor and sees medieval England] This is great! We're actually in the Middle Ages!
Wanda: Well, that's what you wished for, Sir Point Out the Obvious a Lot!
Cosmo: Yeah, but here, it's just called "the ages"! [a big knight on a big black horse approach from behind]
Sir Finkleberg: What ho, tiny knight with a shield that smells like a hundred horses' butts? I am on my way to pull the sword from the stone and claim my rightful place as king of England.
Timmy: And you are...?
Sir Finkleberg: I have many names—the Shining Knight, the Hammer of Fury—but you, my fellow warrior, may call me: Sir Finkleberg.
Timmy: Finkleberg? What kind of dumb name is Finkle... [Finkleberg's horse steps on him] Cool! I got pounded on by Sir Finkleberg! [his parents step up to him]
Mrs. Turner: Hello, Timmy!
Mr. Turner: Wow! This place sure is authentic! It looks just like Camelot! Speaking of which, I have to go to the can... a lot!
Mrs. Turner: I sure hope this costume has a zipper! [they leave]
Timmy: What are they doing here?
Wanda: You wished for all of us to come back!
Timmy: I can't have my mom and dad running around the Middle Ages in a cow suit... Get them outta here! [Mr. Turner is in an outhouse, still in the costume]
Mrs. Turner: I told you to go before we got in the suit!
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] I'll only be a second I just have to move this udder! [zips something. A fire-breathing dragon shows up, picks up Mr. and Mrs. Turner, and flies over Timmy]
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Hi, Timmy!
Timmy: Oh my gosh! My parents are going to be eaten by a dragon! I need a weapon of some kind! [he and the fairies hear cheering and look somewhere]
Wanda: Hey, how about the big, glowing magical sword over there? [a crowd is watching as Finkleberg faces the sword in the stone]
Sir Finkleberg: [grabbing the sword's hilt] I, Sir Finkleberg, doth claim this sword, Excalibur, as... [he pulls on the sword, dislocating his shoulder, and screams] My arm! My arm that has slain a thousand men! [moans. The audience groans]
Court Jester: Aw... But you gave it a good try... and we have a lovely parting gift for you! The "Sword in the Stone" home game! [the audience cheers. The jester gives the toy to Finkleberg]
Sir Finkleberg: I claim this toy sword as... [he pulls on it, dislocating his knuckle, screams, and sucks on his finger]
Court Jester: Let's hear it for him, folks, huh? [the audience cheers] Next up, number 897! Please give a rousing 15th-century welcome to... Arthur Liebowitz! [a woman reveals Arthur, a short young boy]
Merlin: That's King Arthur Liebowitz to you! Okay, Artie... I've already cast the spell... The next shmoe who yanks the sword is going to be the king of England. You got it?
Artie: [facing the woman] Whatever you say, Uncle Merlin.
Merlin: [turning Artie toward him] I'm over here, kid. And once you get the sword, I can hock it for gold and get us outta this rat-hole town! [takes Artie to the sword. Artie reaches for it, but Timmy picks it up first]
Timmy: Sorry. No time. Parents a food group. Dragon to slay. Gotta run! [rides away]
Court Jester: 'Tis the new king of England!
Sir Finkleberg: We must follow his glorious... [he points ahead, dislocating his shoulder, and screams]
Crowd: All hail King...
Crowd Members: What's that kid's name again? /Wait a minute...
Merlin: [coughing] Arthur!
Crowd: Arthur! King Arthur!
Artie: But Uncle Merlin, I'm not the King.
Merlin: Not yet, Artie! But I want people to get used to the idea. I'm going to make you king. A great king. And then, more importantly, I'll be a great rich uncle of a great king.
Artie: But I can't even see! Can't you use your magic to make some sort of glass thing to put in front of my eyes that'll improve my vision?
Merlin: What? That's crazy talk! You want them to burn you like a witch? Come on! We got to get you kingified! [he throws down pink smoke, then drags Artie away. Fade to the dragon's lair. Mr. and Mrs. Turner are in a pen with real cows]
Mrs. Turner: [to a cow] So, are you enjoying the fair? [the cow moos, and the dragon eats it whole] What a great, realistic dragon ride!
Mr. Turner: I'll say! Pick us next! [cut to a forest. Pink smoke appears, then Merlin runs into the scene holding Artie]
Merlin: Awright, we might have missed the sword but if we find the Holy Grail, you're sure to be king of England!
Artie: But I can't see anything.
Merlin: Geez, you're a whiny little twit. My magical powers will lead us to the Grail. [he watches from behind a shrub as Timmy walks by and groans offscreen. He turns Artie in Timmy's direction]
Timmy: Do my feet hurt! No wonder metal shoes never caught on. [to Cosmo and Wanda] Let's rest and grab some water. [sits on a shrub] Ow! Huh? [takes the Holy Grail out of the shrub] A cup! Hey, did somebody drop this?
Crowd: Huzzah! He has found the Holy Grail!
Sir Finkleberg: He is even more the king than he was five minutes ago! [he raises his arm, dislocating his shoulder, and screams]
Merlin: Dagnabbit! Well, there's no choice. The only way to get you to be king of England is for you to slay that dragon.
Artie: You mean, you use your magic to help me slay the dragon. Right?
Merlin: No. Dragons are impervious to magic. You're on your own, sport!
Artie: What? [Merlin throws down pink smoke and leaves. Fade to the lair. The dragon is about to eat another cow]
Mr. Turner: Hey! We were here first!
Mrs. Turner: Well, this ride looks worth the wait! I wonder where it lets out! [cut to the base of the mountain the lair is in]
Timmy: Think we're close to the dragon's lair? [a cow skeleton lands in front of him]
Cosmo: As they say in the Middle Ages—that's a big ten-four, good buddy! [Timmy looks at the lair]
Mr. Turner: [offscreen] Yay! We're next!
Timmy: My parents! You got to help me fight the dragon!
Wanda: Uh... well, actually, Timmy, dragons are impervious to magic!
Cosmo: So we'll be with you in spirit! [he and Wanda disappear; offscreen] Way over here! [they are floating ahead of him in fairy form] Bye, Timmy!
Timmy: Guys? [he is "poofed" outside the lair. He runs to the entrance] Mom! Dad! [runs inside. The dragon holds Mr. and Mrs. Turner by the tail of their costume as it burns them with its breath]
Mrs. Turner: This is so realistic!
Mr. Turner: I know! [putting on the glasses] It actually looks and feels like I'm getting third-degree burns! Ow! I mean... Neat!
Timmy: Hey, you big, stupid lizard! Leave my parents alone! [he throws the sword at the costume, tearing it and making his parents fall. Mr. Turner's glasses fall off]
Mr. Turner: Well, that was anti-climactic.
Mrs. Turner: Let's get some Camelot pie! [takes his hand]
Mr. Turner: Ow! The blisters! I mean... Neat! The blisters! [the sword returns to Timmy]
Timmy: Wow! This magic sword rocks!
Artie: Excuse me. Have you seen a dragon around here? [the dragon steps behind him]
Timmy: Get down! [he tackles Artie before the dragon can burn him] What's the matter with you?
Artie: I don't see very well.
Timmy: Well, I can't do this by myself. [sees the glasses] Hang on, dude. [he avoids dragon fire as he gets the glasses and returns] Here you go! [putting the glasses on Artie] When we die a horrible flaming death, you deserve to see it too!
Artie: Everything's so clear... I... I can see! [in a deep voice] I can fight! [he rips off his tunic, revealing his muscular body. He is now tall and has long, flowing hair]
Timmy: [giving him the sword] Here you go.
Artie: I thanketh thee. [to the sword] I shall calleth thee: the "Shining Blade of Liebowitz"!
Timmy: Uh... How about "Excalibur"?
Artie: That works too! Have at thee, fire demon! [starts fighting the dragon. Timmy runs out of the lair, and the fairies appear]
Cosmo: Hey, Sir Points Out the Obvious a Lot! You're not dead!
Wanda: How'd the battle go?
Timmy: It was amazing! Artie's going to kick that dragon's... [Artie's skeleton lands beside him] Uh... Guys?
Wanda: Well, we could take a crack at it. [they revive Artie]
Artie: I can breathe! [in the deep voice] I can fight! [he attacks the dragon offscreen, and its skeleton shoots out of the lair. He laughs. The skeleton lands at the base of the mountain]
Sir Finkleberg: He hath slain the dragon! He is the true king! Huzzah! [raises his arm. It pops off, and he screams]
Crowd: Food! [fights for the arm] All hail King Artie!
Timmy: That's Arthur!
Crowd: Whatever!
Artie: I thank thee! Pray thee—willst thou stay and be one of my knights of the Pentagonal Ottoman?
Timmy: Uh... you might want to go with a round table.
Artie: I like it! [pink smoke appears]
Merlin: Artie! Baby! I knew you could do it! [Artie looks at Timmy. Cut to the base of the mountain. A beaten-up Merlin lands]
Crowd: [walks up to Merlin] Oh boy! Seconds! [they jump toward him, and the scene freezes]
Timmy: [offscreen] And so, Artie Liebowitz became King Arthur. [the freeze frame fades to a matching picture in the book Timmy is reading] Sir Finkleberg, with his one arm, became the world's first slot machine! And the dragon never barbecued anyone again. [he is in his living room, and his bandaged parents are beside him] The end.
Mr. Turner: Mmm, thanks for reading it to us, son. You know, with my burnt hands and bad eyes, I couldn't have held or read that book.
Timmy: All in a night's work. [Merlin appears as a goldfish in the fishbowl Cosmo and Wanda are in]
Merlin: You guys mind? I'm looking for a new gig. [iris out on his face. The sound of the puffs of pink smoke is heard as the end title card is shown. Fade to black]
