Timmy: (typing on his computer) "Dear Trixie Tang, instead of going to the big school dance with somebody handsome and popular, how about going with me, Timmy Turner, the least popular and handsome guy you know? Think of how good you'll look next to me in comparison." (to Cosmo and Wanda) Well, what do you guys think? (the fairies laugh) Aw, man! No matter how hard I try, I can't write a good letter!
Cosmo: Well, forget the mushy stuff! Try a threat!
Timmy: What?!
Cosmo: Watch! (typing) "Dear Trixie, we have your parents. If you ever want to see them again..."
Mr. Turner: (offscreen) Timmy? (looks into the room through the door's keyhole)
Timmy: My parents! Activate fish mode! (the fairies turn into goldfish and go in their fishbowl. Mr. and Mrs. Turner enter the room)
Mrs. Turner: Hi, sweetie. What are you doing?
Mr. Turner: Hey! You're writing a threatening love note! That's how I met your mom!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: "If you ever want to see your parents again..." (they laugh)
Mr. Turner: You know, I never did get that ransom.
Timmy: It's not a love note. I'm trying to invite a girl to a dance.
Mrs. Turner: (starting to type) But you've got to let her know it in a sweet, romantic, nice way.
Mr. Turner: That's moderately threatening!
Mrs. Turner: If there's one thing girls love more than being told they're pretty, it's being told they're prettier than other girls.
Mr. Turner: Well, then mention her hair! It's so much shinier than yours, honey!
Mrs. Turner: "And your hair, which is so much shinier than my mom's." (Timmy tries to unplug the computer)
Mr. Turner: And her eyes, honey. Tell her that her eyes resonate with a depth of intelligence that greatly surpasses yours!
Mrs. Turner: "And your eyes—shining, intelligent, deep and limpid pools of shining love light. Gooey, gooey, gooey, lovey, goo!"
Timmy: But... But... But... I wouldn't say any of that mushy gunk!
Mr. Turner: And that's why you don't have a date!
Mrs. Turner: Hmm... This is still missing something.
Mr. Turner: The threatening reason that'll make her say yes! (typing) "Say yes and I promise the safe return of your parents."
Mrs. Turner: Well, our work here is done. Let's leave Timmy alone so I can talk to you more about my not so limpid eyes and my not so shiny hair.
Mr. Turner: Okay! I... I'm in trouble, aren't I? (his wife walks away. He smiles)
Mrs. Turner: (grabs him by the ear) Let's go! (drags him away)
Wanda: Wow! That's the most beautiful, romantic, touching and slightly threatening e-mail I've ever read!
Cosmo: It's threatening and romantic! It's threatmantic!
Timmy: And horrifyingly embarrassing!
Wanda: But Timmy, I thought you really felt that way about Trixie.
Timmy: Actually, my love for her burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. But I can't tell her that!
Mr. Turner: (breaks through the door with a battering ram) But I can! Thanks to my parental battering ram! It's the latest thing in tough-love parenting! (typing) "Burns for you... intensity... thousand suns." Send! (presses "enter" on the keyboard. The computer sends the e-mail)
Computer Voice: Message sent.
Timmy: Hey! Why'd you do that?!
Mr. Turner: If I have to be miserable because of your letter, so do you!
Mrs. Turner: Get back here!
Mr. Turner: Still in trouble! Gotta go! (his wife pulls him away by the ear)
Timmy: Ahh! Dad sent my threatmantic e-mail! (to the fairies) I wish the e-mail was back! Make it come back! (the fairies raise their wands, which go limp)
Cosmo and Wanda: We can't get it back!
Timmy: Why not? (the fairies change back to normal)
Wanda: It's a love letter, and our magic can't interfere with true love.
Timmy: If you guys can't bring it back, there's only one thing to do! I wish I was inside the Internet! (the fairies smile at each other and magically put Timmy on the computer desktop)
Wanda: You want us to come with you?
Timmy: And leave the computer vulnerable so my dad can send more stupid letters that you can't help me with? No way. (starts floating around) I wish you guys would stay here and guard this computer no matter what. Got it?
Cosmo: Got it! (he and Wanda raise their wands and grant the wish)
Timmy: Did you really need to wave your wands for that one?
Cosmo and Wanda: Uh... no.
Timmy: Now attach me to an e-mail. (Wanda uses her wand to drag him toward an envelope icon. A mouth licks him, and Wanda puts him on the envelope) Let's get digital. (Wanda sends him)
Computer Voice: Your message has been sent. (cut to Timmy riding the envelope inside the Internet)
Timmy: Cool! I'm surfing the web! Literally! (beat) There it is! My e-mail! (jumps off the envelope and flies after the e-mail) Closer... Closer... (grabs the e-mail) Got it! Whoa! Whoa! Wait!(the e-mail takes him to another computer desktop)
Computer Voice: You've got mail.
Timmy: Oh, no, you don't! All I have to do is delete this thing! (sees a trash can icon above him. He jumps toward it but hits the bottom, dropping the e-mail, which falls to the bottom of the screen and opens. He grabs on to the top of the e-mail; reading) "Dear AJ, thank you for allowing us to scrape some of your brain cells for our cloning program. Stay smart! Your friend, the President." Wait a minute. This is a letter for AJ. I'm in AJ's room? Aw, man! I must have followed the wrong letter!
AJ: So, Doctor, if you attach the seed thrower to the back of your satellite, it'll plant seeds while it orbits the Earth, thus ending world hunger.
Scientist: (on a screen) That's brilliant, AJ. NASA thanks you and the world thanks you.
AJ: And...?
Scientist: And the money has been placed in your account. (the screen goes blank)
AJ: (walking toward his computer) Well, time to check my e-mail. Hey! Something opened my letter from the President! (he sees Timmy, who hides behind the e-mail) Is that a computer virus?
Timmy: I gotta get outta here. (looks at an Internet icon. There is a knock at the door)
AJ's Mom: (offscreen) AJ! (AJ gasps and presses a "cloaking" button that hides the scientific things in the room. Timmy jumps into the Internet icon and flies away. AJ's mom knocks on the door offscreen) AJ! I'm both respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mother by coming in anyway! (breaks through the door with a battering ram and sees AJ smiling nervously) Honey, you really should think about redecorating. (cut to Timmy)
Timmy: Wahoo! Wow! At cyberspeed, I can use the World Wide Web to be anywhere in the world in a blink of an eye! (goes to another desktop) Wow! I'm in Australia!
Australian Kid: Crikey! Is that a computer virus? (she throws a boomerang at the computer screen and it spins away)
Timmy: (leaves and appears on another desktop) I'm in the heart of Africa! (three gorillas in lab coats are looking at him)
Bruce: Lyle! Kevin! A computer virus!
Lyle: Good heavens, Bruce! The humans must have discovered the location of our secret society of super-intelligent gorillas!
Kevin: Well, if it's so secret, how did they discover it?
Bruce: You know, Lyle, he's got a point.
Lyle: Oh, get off my back, Bruce!
Timmy: (goes to a desktop with Chinese characters on it) Chinese letters? Technology's amazing. I'm as far away from home as physically possible, and I got here in a millisecond!
Mr. Turner: Golly! Good thing this Chinese restaurant is only three steps away from my house!
Chinese Restaurant Guy: That'll be $7.95. Here your fortune cookie.
Mr. Turner: (takes the paper out of the cookie; reading) "Confucius say: You will use a battering ram to violate your son's privacy." Well, okay! I don't wanna make Confucius a liar! (cut to him knocking on Timmy's door offscreen and looking through the keyhole) Oh, Timmy!
Cosmo: Oh, no! It's Timmy's dad's eye!
Mr. Turner: (as Cosmo and Wanda hide in Timmy's bathroom) I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway! (breaks through the door with the ram. Cosmo turns his own head into Timmy's)
Cosmo: (in Timmy's voice) Do you mind? I'm doing my homework! (he and Wanda thumbs-up each other)
Mr. Turner: In the bathroom? But that's where I pay my bills! (starts rattling the bathroom door handle)
Wanda: He's coming in. What do we do?
Cosmo: Pull my wand! (she does so. Powerful flatulence comes from the bathroom)
Mr. Turner: (sniffs) Whoa! What is your mother feeding you? Eh, I'll use the computer later. (uses the ram to make a hole beside the door and leaves through the hole) Lemme know when you're done! I need to look for a contractor to fix this wall! (cut to Timmy in the Internet)
Timmy: Oh, man! This light-speed searching is cool and all, but there are too many places to look! And I gotta find Trixie's computer before she opens my threatmantic e-mail! (cut to the e-mail appearing on Trixie's desktop)
Computer Voice: You've got mail... from a desperate boy.
Trixie Tang: I should just delete this, but that would be rude. I like to personalize my rejections.
Mr. Tang: (knocking offscreen) Trixie! I'm both respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway! (breaks through the door with a ram) Phone for you! (cut to Timmy in a dark-green part of the Internet)
Timmy: Whoa. This place is creepy. Where am I? What's with all the fairy pictures? (lands on a picture of himself and sees the following web address) "www.fairies'r'real.wand"? (looking at his picture as a beam envelops them) A photo of me on a fairy web site? (beat) Cool! I'm being downloaded! I mean, oh, no! I'm being downloaded! (he and the picture are sent to a desktop) Huh? Wait a second. (he opens a file folder, making digital newspaper clippings come out; reading) "Nut job replaced at New Baltimore Community College for using funds to build a trap for fairy godparents." "Crazy single Caucasian male seeks equally crazy single female to discuss belief that fairy godparents exist." Oh, my gosh! I must be in the computer of... my crazy fairy-believing teacher, Mr. Crocker!
Mr. Crocker: (enters the room) Yes! I, Mr. Crocker, using my new web site at fairies'r'real.wand, will soon have gathered enough evidence to prove the existence of... (spasming)fairy godparents! (approaches the monitor)
Timmy: Ah! I better hide! (hides behind his picture)
Crocker: (turning on a webcam) I must record this glorious moment for posterity! (records himself making a peace sign, picking his nose, stretching his lip and waving his tongue. Timmy watches) I shall record this for future generations so that all may learn...
Mrs. Crocker: (offscreen) Denzel! (knocking on the door) Denzel Crocker! I'm both respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mother by coming in anyway! (breaks the door with a ram) Could you stop with the crazy long enough to help Mommy?
Crocker: Mother, stop interrupting! Can't you see I'm busy... ranting?!
Mrs. Crocker: But you need to put on this leather dress so I can hem it for the big dance tonight! (puts the dress on him)
Crocker: I hate modeling your dresses! Although it does make me feel pretty. Oh, well. At least no one I know can see this.
Timmy: This is gold! And it's digitally recorded gold! I'm saving this! (presses a button that makes the recording go into his pocket. The computer beeps) Oh, no! I pinged!
Crocker: Hey! Who pinged? (he runs to the screen while his mother is holding the back of the dress) Someone opened my files!
Timmy: Busted! (flies into the Internet icon)
Crocker: Most people would assume it's the work of a hacker, but I know some child must have wished himself into the Internet with the help of his... fairy godparents! (typing) Must... trace... data... back to source! (a green likeness of his head appears on the monitor and goes into the Internet icon. Crocker screams as he is yanked offscreen and crashes into his mother)
Mrs. Crocker: Way to bust a move, son! Go, Denzel! Go, Denzel! Go, Denzel! (cut to the Internet)
Crocker Virus: Must get digital proof of fairies. Fairies. Proof of fairies. (the virus is headed toward Timmy's computer. Cosmo and Wanda magically repair Timmy's room)
Wanda: Okay, the room's fixed and the computer's still safe.
Cosmo: Now what do you wanna do? (the virus appears on Timmy's desktop and starts recording)
Crocker Virus: Recording proof of fairies. Recording proof of fairies. (focuses on the fairies)
Wanda: I dunno. What do you wanna do?
Cosmo: I dunno. Let's have a magic fight! Just for the heck of it!
Wanda: Oh, why not? It's not like anybody can see what we're doing in here! (they start making things appear and throwing them at each other)
Cosmo: Yeah! It'd sure stink if somebody was actually recording this! And had irrefutable proof that... (the recording appears on Crocker's monitor) some kid had...
Crocker: Fairy godparents! (putting his hands up) Yes! (the dress rips off, revealing his boxers)
Mrs. Crocker: Denzel!
Crocker: Mother! (cut to black)
Act 2[]
(Fade in on Crocker typing)
Crocker: Excellent! Ha ha! I, Mr. Crocker, finally have irrefutable video proof that fairies exist! (the recording shows Cosmo and Wanda transforming each other) Now all I have to do is upload this data, then, using the Internet, transmit it to every computer in the world! And with the unparalleled speed of my computer, it should take no time at all! (clicks a "download" button)
Computer Voice: Download commencing. One percent.
Crocker: Yay!
Computer Voice: Zero percent.
Crocker: Boo! Curse this obsolete one-month-old technology! (pounds the keyboard)
Computer Voice: Negative one percent.
Crocker: Drat! (cut to stacks of e-mail flying through the Internet)
Timmy: Look at that massive stream of e-mail! Maybe my threatmantic letter's in there! (looking through e-mail) Junk mail, junk mail... Aw, man! My letter isn't anywhere in this batch! I'm doomed to be a total laughingstock! (he appears in a white space) What happened? Where am I? (he screams as letters fall and runs away from them; reading) "Trixie"? "Trixie... How R you? —Veronica." Wow! I'm in a chat room with Trixie and Veronica!
Trixie: (typing) "Hey, Veronica! I am fine. And popular! I'm just about to read all my e-mail."
Timmy: No! (he grabs on to the message, which Trixie sends to Veronica)
Veronica: (typing) "Dear Trixie... as your best friend, I wish you nothing but happiness and eternal joy for your whole life long." (her room is filled with pictures of Trixie. She grabs a Trixie figure; hitting it against the keyboard) Why... can't... I... be... you?!
Veronica: Don't call me that! (putting on a Trixie wig) Call me Trixie! I'm Trixie!(leaves)
Timmy: I've gotta follow Veronica's e-mail back to Trixie's computer! I'll just send a message, attach myself to it and end up on her screen! But I have to say something that she'd expect Veronica to say. (changes Veronica's message to the following) "Do you think Timmy Turner is neat?" (he sends the message, and himself with it, to Trixie's computer)
Trixie: Do I think Timmy Turner is neat? (typing) "Why, do you?" (cut to Timmy and her message appearing on Veronica's monitor)
Veronica: Do I think Timmy Turner is neat? (takes off the wig and hits the figure against the keyboard) Actually, my love for him burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I can't let Trixie know that. (typing) "No way! He's gross!"
Timmy: Aw, great. The crazy one likes me. (Veronica sends him and her message to Trixie's computer) My letter! (puts it in his pocket) Got it! (flies into the Internet) Hee-ha-ha! This rocks! I've got my letter, and I'm not a laughingstock! And best of all, for the first time ever, things didn't fall apart when I made a big wish! (cut to his room. The fairies are still playing. The Crocker virus turns into a video of Crocker)
Crocker: Finally, I have proof—proof!—of the existence of fairy godparents!
Timmy: (appears on the monitor) You guys! (hides behind the video)
Cosmo: Shh. Mr. Crazy is talking! Say hi, Timmy!
Wanda: (turns Cosmo's lips into a closed zipper) Shh! If he doesn't know whose fairies we are, then we don't have to go away forever!
Crocker: Once I upload this video file of you fairies and send it to every computer in the world, I'll cease being a laughingstock! Then I will be the man who proved that fairies actually exist!
Timmy: (pushes the video of Crocker away) Cosmo! Wanda! Turn the computer off!
Wanda: But we gotta get you out first!
Crocker: Who did that? (looks around)
Timmy: No, now, before he figures out whose fairies you are!
Cosmo: (destroys the computer with his wand) Um, that's off, right? (cut to Timmy in pitch blackness)
Timmy: Cosmo? Wanda? Must have destroyed the computer. (he sees what appears to be a strip of film floating past him) Crocker's video footage! I've gotta get it before it gets back to his computer! (flies after it. Cut to the fairies walking up to Mr. Turner in a Timmy disguise holding the computer)
Wanda: Uh... Dad? The computer's busted.
Mr. Turner: (shouts) Giga-gasp!
Cosmo: Can you fix it?
Mr. Turner: Sure! I'll make a new one! (picks up an electric mixer and a plunger. Cut to Timmy in the Internet)
Timmy: Almost to Crocker's computer! (appears inside of it) I must be in Crocker's hard drive! (the video starts being uploaded) Oh, no! Crocker's uploading the video clip!
Computer Voice: Now uploading proof of fairies. One percent. Two percent. (Timmy starts flying toward the video) Three... (digital fire appears in front of Timmy)
Timmy: Ah! A firewall!
Crocker: Ha! Once this upload is complete, I've programmed it to hack into the mainframe of the Internet and route it to every computer and television screen in the world! Then everyone will know that fairies exist! (Timmy hides in a folder) The pink-hatted computer virus! I'm ready for you this time! (presses the "kill" button on his keyboard. Timmy sees Crocker viruses surrounding him) Destroy that pink hat! (Timmy screams and flies into the Internet, and the viruses follow. Cut to Timmy's room)
Mr. Turner: Here's the hard drive. (puts a crate with wires and appliances attached to it on the desk) Here's the monitor. (puts a crude-looking TV on the crate) Here's the keyboard! (he struggles to lift a typewriter and drops it on the desk, which collapses) And here's the power supply! (puts a gerbil on a hamster wheel connected to the computer) Run, Eddie! Run! (Eddie starts running. The monitor turns on)
Computer Voice: You've got mail.
Mr. Turner: Ha! I'm a genius. Now I'm gonna make ice cream out of birdseed and gum! (leaves. Cosmo and Wanda abandon the disguise)
Wanda: Come on! (typing) We gotta find Timmy in this thing! (fade to Timmy flying away from the viruses)
Timmy: I'll never get the footage with these guys dogging me! (flies away as one of them tries to bite him) I gotta give 'em the slip somehow. (gasps; reading the sign ahead of him) "Low bandwidth ahead." That's it! (flies through the sign and lets the viruses pass him. They get stuck in a tube) So long, fellas! Now to find that video footage. (flies off. One virus gets out of the tube and flies after him. Cut to Crocker's computer)
Mrs. Crocker: (offscreen) Denzel! Will you come and sponge Mommy's feet?
Crocker: Yes... I mean no!
Computer Voice: Seventy-nine percent. (cut to Timmy flying to a pillar which hundreds of e-mails are flying in and out of)
Timmy: Whoa! I'm in the central hub of the Internet! All the data from around the world goes in there, gets copied in there, and gets sent out of there to every computer in the world! And that's where my data's going! (starts flying toward the pillar. The virus confronts him, and he screams and flies away before it can bite him. It chases him around)
Computer Voice: Ninety-four percent. (Timmy flies toward the video) Ninety-two percent. (Timmy and the virus fly through the video, destroying the parts they hit) Ninety-one percent.
Timmy: Hey! When we went through the data stream, we erased some of it! That's it! Hey, Crockpot.dork! Hungry for some information? So come get some! (starts flying over the video. The virus eats it up as it flies after him)
Timmy: (to the virus) Come on, pal! I'm right here!
Computer Voice: Sixty-two percent. Fifty-eight percent. (cut to Timmy's room. Eddie is lying and panting)
Cosmo: (hitting the computer) I can't get it to turn on! (Eddie slumps, and the fairies look at him. Wanda smiles at Cosmo) Uh! Oh, no! Not me! There's no way I'm gonna... (Wanda turns him into a gerbil)
Wanda: (turns into a cat) Run, gerbil boy! Run! (Cosmo knocks Eddie away and starts running on the wheel. Cut to Timmy and the virus. The virus's cheeks are bloated)
Computer Voice: Fifteen percent. Six percent. (the virus finishes eating the video and bursts, blowing Timmy away. Cut to Crocker's computer) Upload aborted.
Crocker: No! Must send the data again! Where's that file? Where's that file?!
Timmy: (appears on the monitor) Oh, you mean this file? (takes out the video of Crocker wearing the dress and flies into a mailbox icon)
Computer Voice: Upload commencing. One percent.
Crocker: What?! (cut to the Internet)
Timmy: Woo-hoo! (flies to the pillar and inserts the video at the top. Copies of the video shoot out of the pillar's slots, knocking him away. Cut to the gorillas' laptop)
Computer Voice: You've got mail.
Lyle: Hey, I've got mail!
Bruce: No, I've got mail! I'm the alpha male!
Kevin: Hey, I'm the alpha male! (the video appears)
Lyle: (to Bruce) It's for you. I mean, you are the alpha male. (cut to the computer in Australia)
Computer Voice: You've got mail. (the video appears)
Australian Kid: (screams) Crikey! (the boomerang returns to her) I knew you'd come home! (cut to a jumbotron on a skyscraper)
Anchorwoman: Some sightings of the pink-hatted Internet virus were reported today. And in a press release, authorities stated... (the video appears on the screen)
Crocker: Although it does make me feel pretty. Oh, well. At least no one can see this. (a watching woman covers her kid's eyes. People across the world laugh. Cut to Crocker) Oh! The humiliation! Can this get any worse?
AJ: (knocks the door down with a ram) There he is! This is where I've traced the source of the pink-hatted computer virus! (a man in a suit grabs Crocker)
Crocker: No! No!(he is dragged away)
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Denzel! Where did I go wrong? (Crocker is dragged out of the room. Cut to Timmy's room)
Computer Voice: You've got Timmy. (an envelope appears on the monitor)
Timmy: (comes out of the computer with his e-mail) Guys!
Cosmo and Wanda: Timmy! (Cosmo stops running and is launched into a wall)
Mr. Turner: Timmy? (looks at Cosmo. Wanda disappears) How's the new computer? Geh! Egad! (the video is on the monitor) You're not supposed to be on those kinds of web sites!
Timmy: But that's my teacher.
Mr. Turner: Well, it does make him look pretty. (Timmy smiles. Fade to Dimmsdale Elementary on the night of the dance)
Cosmo: (as an ice sculpture) Nice party, Timmy!
Wanda: (as a punch bowl) Aren't you upset that you're here without a date?
Timmy: Are you nuts? I got to surf the Internet, become a virus, humiliate Crocker on a global scale and, most importantly, prevent Trixie from reading this mushy, threatmantic letter! (the letter is taken) Hey! (Trixie is reading the letter) Trixie, no! Don't!
Trixie: Oh, Timmy! That's the sweetest, most threatening thing I've ever read!
Timmy: Uh... really?
Trixie: Sure. And if I didn't think you only wanted to date me because I'm prettier than your mom, I'd totally go out with you!
Timmy: What?!
Trixie: Security! (Timmy is kicked out of the school)
Timmy: Wow, she likes me! And I creep her out! Awesome! (the letter floats down toward him)
Veronica: (grabs the letter) Ahem! I got your letter, Timmy. "My passion for you burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns."
Timmy: It wasn't for you. It was for Trixie.
Veronica: (puts on the wig)I am Trixie!
Timmy: Uh, guys? A little help? (a pointer appears and puts Veronica in a trash can. This is being shown on Timmy's computer) Thanks, guys!
Cosmo: Don't thank us, Timmy!
Wanda: Thank technology! (Timmy waves)
Computer Voice: Good-bye! (iris out. Dial-up modem noises are heard as the end title card is shown. Fade to black)
