Wanda: Initiate bathroom disguise mode! [she turns Cosmo and herself into a can and a razor in Timmy's hands and Poof into shaving cream on Timmy's face. Mr. Turner makes a hole in a wall with a chainsaw and enters with an electric razor]
Mr. Turner: [shouts] No son of mine is going to have hippy-dippy shaggy hair! We Turners are a spick and spiffy family! [his hair shines]
Timmy: But I like my hair where it is! On my hippy-dippy scalp! [Mr. Turner looks closely at his face]
Mr. Turner: Egad. [tastes the shaving cream] Shaving cream? Are you old enough to shave already? [crying] They grow up so fast. Well, forget this, then! [he throws his razor out of the room, and it hits something offscreen]
Mrs. Turner: [offscreen] Ow! My spick and spiffy scalp!
Mr. Turner: Now that you're officially a hairy man, I'm taking you to my barber! But first, I need to tell your mother she's getting old! [leaves the room] I mean, you're getting old! [leaves] I really mean she's getting old. [leaves]
Timmy: A professional barber? This is awesome! [the fairies turn back to normal]
Cosmo: Right! 'Cause every time your dad cuts your hair, you end up in the emergency room and we all laugh at you! [the fairies laugh] I mean, feel bad for you.
Timmy: But Dad's barber will give me a great haircut! Nothing can possibly go wrong! [fade to a barbershop. Timmy is tied up on a barber chair] This is all going horribly wrong!
Irv: [to a mannequin] So, you want a pageboy cut, little lady? Or how 'bout "the man about town"?
Mr. Turner: Irv? We're over here.
Irv: You'll have to speak up, girls! The scissors are awfully loud today! [comes toward Timmy with a chainsaw. Wipe to Dimmsdale Elementary. Kids laugh at Timmy, who has ragged, patchy hair and is receiving IV medicine]
AJ: Dude, that cut is so nasty, it makes me love my hair. And I don't have any!
Mr. Crocker: That hairstyle completely lacks style! F! [stamps Timmy with an F] For freakish follicles!
Trixie: Now, that's what I call a hair-don't. [everyone laughs at Timmy. Fade to the Turners' house. Cosmo and Wanda laugh at Timmy in their fishbowl]
Wanda: No, it looks good.
Cosmo: Really good.
Timmy: This is the worst haircut ever! [he looks in a mirror and it cracks]
Wanda: Ooh, speaking of haircuts... [she and Poof turn back to normal] I'm going to take Poof to Fairy World for his first haircut today, then put the hair in his scrapbook. See you two later! [poofs herself and Poof away]
Timmy: I'm sick of bad haircuts! No more Dad! No more old guys with chainsaws! No more people laughing at me! [his facing the bowl makes it crack, and its water spills onto the floor]
Cosmo: [laughing] Right! No more... laughing! Whew! Good times. Okay, Sir Scalpalot! [turns back to normal] What is your wish?
Timmy: I wish I had stylish, non-laughable hair that can't be cut ever again! [Cosmo grants the wish. Fade to the kitchen]
Mrs. Turner: Timmy! [she turns around, revealing she has a haircut like Timmy's] Breakfast is ready!
Mr. Turner: Hair senses... tingling! Something's not right in Spick and Spiffy Land! [thunder claps. He and his wife shout as they see Timmy, who now has big, smooth hair. Timmy walks in slow motion]
Mrs. Turner: Oh, my. Timmy looks great! He gets that slo-mo from me!
Mr. Turner: And he's getting a haircut from me! [leaps toward Timmy with a chainsaw. When the saw hits the hair, he gets a shock that makes him scream and knocks him through a wall]
Timmy: Or not. [his hair opens the back door; leaving] Now I'm off to school! Bye! [his hair waves goodbye]
Mr. Turner: No Turner man can have such unlaughable thick hippy-dippy hair! Even if it is in slo-mo! I will cut that hair! [fade to Fairy World]
Wanda: [enters Baby Barber] Dr. Rip Studwell? You're the fairy baby barber?
Dr. Rip Studwell: Absolutely. Fairy baby haircuts are serious medical procedures, Wanda. Or so I've read in this book. [the book is Cutting Fairy Baby Hair for Gorgeous Doctors] Chapter one. [reading the book] "Fairy babies can get defensive in unfamiliar situations", so we must distract the baby with puppets. [voicing a dragon hand puppet] Hiya, Poof. Ready to have some fun with my pal, the [in his normal voice] handsome Dr. Rip Studwell? [Poof giggles and turns the puppet into a real dragon, which breathes fire on Studwell before turning back into a puppet] Okay, on to chapter two. [cut to the school. Kids are cheering in the gymnasium, where there is a banner reading "Timmy is our hair-o!" Timmy puts on sunglasses and walks slowly]
Cheerleaders: Go, Timmy! With your cool hair! Walk in slo-mo! While we all stare!
Timmy: [goes into the boys' bathroom] If I'm this popular now, imagine how much more popular I'd be if my uncuttable, magical hair was even longer! [Cosmo laughs as Timmy uses him as a comb]
Cosmo: That tickles!
Timmy: I wish my stylish hair had even more style! Oh, and give it even more personality!
Cosmo: Hair with big personality coming' up! [grants the wish. Fade to the Turners' house. Mr. Turner comes out of the garage wearing eye black and military suit with tank exposing his chest and armpit hair and holding a weed eater]
Mr. Turner: Time to tame that mane! [puts on a goalie mask and turns on the weed eater. He laughs maniacally and lightning strikes as he marches forward. Cut to the school playground. Kids are using Timmy's hair as a playground]
Timmy: Gorgeous, uncuttable hair, I love you! [the hair tickles his cheek, then lifts him off the ground] Hair that carries me around? Awesome! [fade to Baby Barber]
Studwell: Now, Poof, I'm Dr. Rip Studwell, talking to you calmly. [Poof giggles and pins him to a wall with combs. Studwell screams] I didn't want it to come to this, but... [slides out of his coat] it's time for a little laser hair removal. [fires a laser gun at Poof. Poof laughs and deflects the lasers with his rattle. They knock the laser gun away and Studwell's hair off; to Wanda] Say nothing, and this haircut is free. [cut to the school. In Crocker's classroom, Timmy's classmates are all staring at his big hair]
Timmy: I can't wait for my hair to get me another A! [Crocker gives him an F] An F? What for?
Crocker: For flaunting your follicles! You fail, Turner, and you can't do a thing about it! [the hair hangs him upside-down and extends to the walls, knocking away Timmy's classmates. It pummels his face, making him shout] Di... Did I say "F"? I... I meant... A! [the hair makes a fist, and he sputters] Plus! [the hair brings him the F and he stamps "A+" on it, then the hair gives the paper to Timmy]
Timmy: Okay. That was good because I got another A, but bad because my hair is getting outta control, [the hair drops Crocker] but good because Mr. Crocker's in pain. Wait. Why was it bad again? Oh, yeah. [the hair is holding screaming kids] Because my hair is outta control! [the hair drags him through the roof. Kids run screaming out of the school and the hair walks toward them, stepping on Chester and AJ. Trixie is powdering her face as kids run past her. Timmy's hair brings him in front of her]
Trixie: Hey, Timmy! Wanna walk home together in slo-mo, our gorgeous hair waving in the— [the hair grabs her, and she screams. The hair flings her away] Breeze!
Timmy: Hey, what'd you do that for? [the hair mimics crossing arms] Wait. Are you jealous of Trixie? Look, when I said I loved you, I meant it in a brotherly, "boy and his hair" sorta way. [Chester and AJ are crawling away. The hair traps them] You're jealous of my friends, too? First you get me an F, and then you get rid of my friends? Maybe I should get rid of you! What do you think of that? [lightning strikes. The hair swirls around like a hurricane, and Timmy screams] I think it made you mad, which is why it's time to clip this wish! Cosmo! When I said I wanted hair with personality, I didn't mean obsessive!
Cosmo: Well, maybe you need to be clearer with your wishes!
Timmy: Okay. I'll be clear now. I wish my hair was— [the hair covers his mouth, muffling his speech]
Cosmo: Nope. Still not clear. And you really shouldn't talk with hair in your mouth. [the hair flies down a street]
Chet Ubetcha: [on TVs] I'm Chet Ubetcha saying, Dimmsdale's just been voted the most dangerous city in the world because it's being destroyed by a hair-i-cane! Wait. [putting his hand over his earpiece] I'm getting word that the Hair Force has been called in to tame this violent mane! We're saved! [the hair shoots lightning at the Hair Force's planes, destroying them. The pilots parachute down] And by "saved", I mean doomed! [the people watching him on TV run away screaming. Timmy bites the hair, making it scream and release him. He falls until the hair is pulled taut]
Timmy: Cosmo, quick! I wish my hair was cut...
Cosmo: What? Speak up! [the hair is plugging his ears] You're still not very clear! [Mr. Turner then yells up to Timmy from the ground with his arms in a perpendicular position exposing his thick strands of armpit hair]
Mr. Turner: Don't worry, son! I'll save you! [turns around] Time to trim this problem at the root! [sees his reflection and takes note of his eye black] Ooh! War paint really brings out my eyes! [the reflecting surface is a tail rotor blade on a helicopter]
Pilot: [to his superior] Ready for Operation Buzzcut, sir. [Mr. Turner pulls his pants down. He bends over to pull them back up and Mr. Turner jumps into the helicopter]
Mr. Turner: Sorry, soldier, but Papa Bear is taking this porridge! [cut to Baby Barber. Studwell shouts and Poof giggles offscreen as the room fills with lather]
Studwell: Okay... [Wanda poofs him into a suit of armor with a big lollipop]
Wanda: Now get in there and snip, Rip! Remember, I need that hair for my scrapbook! [an evil-looking shadow of Poof is on the wall. Poof is playing with a razor in the burning office. Studwell charges toward him, and he laughs and charges with the razor. The two collide and fall on the floor. Poof ends up with the lollipop in his mouth. Wanda cuts Poof's hair off] Aha! [puts the hair in the scrapbook] Thanks, Dr. Rip Studwell! [to Poof] Now let's go show Daddy and Timmy your first haircut. [Poof's hair regrows. Wanda poofs herself and him away]
Studwell: What, no tip? [cut to the hair flying over Dimmsdale]
Mr. Turner: [flying toward Timmy in the helicopter] Don't worry, son! I know what I'm doing!
Timmy: Is that my dad?
Mr. Turner: Whoa! This porridge is too hot!
Timmy: Oh, no! If my dad tries to cut my uncuttable hair, he's doomed! Then I'm doomed! We're all doomed! [his father screams as he flies toward him, and he also screams]
Wanda: [appears] Oh, Timmy, look. I put Poof's hair in his scrapbook. And here's a picture of him with a— What's going on?
Timmy: Less talky, more wishy! I wish my hair was cuttable again! [Wanda grants the wish]
Mr. Turner: [chuckles] Time to split some ends! [he cuts the hair with the helicopter blades and people cheer. The hair falls on everyone down below]
AJ: [spits hair out] Hey! I have hair! And I'm hot!
Chet: This is Chet Ubetcha saying, we're all hot! And saved! Wait. I'm getting word that Dimmsdale's just been voted most gorgeous city in the world! [people cheer, and kids play in the hair laughing. Mr. Turner and Timmy rise from the hair]
Timmy: Sorry, Dad. I promise, no more hippy-dippy hair ever.
Mr. Turner: Are you kidding? I'm hot! From now on, the Turners are a hippy-dippy family!
Mrs. Turner: And a slo-mo family! [tosses her new hair] Hurry! Let us run into the sunset! [she starts doing so, and her husband steps on Timmy as he joins in. They run in slow motion]
Cosmo: [vomits a hairball on Timmy] Hairball. [iris out on Timmy's annoyed face. The end title card is shown]
Mr. Turner: [in voice-over] I'm hot! [fade to black]
