Principal Waxelplax: [over the P.A. system] Hello, students! We had to decide between printing full-color ballots for the upcoming student elections or purchasing food for the cafeteria. So there will be no lunch today! Enjoy your ballots! [kids in Timmy's class cheer, making her microphone shake. Timmy draws Cosmo and Wanda on a notepad]
Wanda: Why is everybody cheering?
Timmy: Wait for it...
Waxelplax: All we have is dessert! And gruel. [she is wearing a combat helmet] So we're declaring today Cake and Gruel Day! [she hides behind her desk as kids cheer and the microphone bounces on her helmet. Kids run out of the classroom]
Timmy: [to Chester and AJ] C'mon, guys! Let's go before they run out of cake and start serving gruel! [runs off]
Chester: But... I like gruel! [fade to the cafeteria. Timmy, Chester and AJ are at the front of the long lunch line]
Timmy: Life is sweet and so is lunch! [opens his mouth to eat a muffin]
Bodyguard: One side! Student body presidents comin' through! [shoves kids away. Tad and Chad walk up to Timmy and company]
Timmy: Forget it! We were here first!
Tad: Co-president Chad, do you hear some non–student body president talking?
Chad: No, I don't, Co-president Tad, but I do know this: Student body presidents get first-in-line privileges.
Timmy: Oh, yeah? What about me? The common student? What do I get? [Tad and Chad look at each other and clap. The floor below Timmy springs up, launching him screaming into a trash can] Darn it! This stinks! [Cosmo and Wanda appear]
Cosmo: I'll say! It smells like feet in here!
Timmy: No, it stinks because Tad and Chad are the student body presidents! They get to do anything they want! It's time somebody ran against them. Someone with vision. Someone with ideals. Someone with...
Cosmo and Wanda: Fairy godparents?
Timmy: Exactly. [runs toward Tad and Chad]
Wanda: Uh, but Timmy...
Timmy: Tad and Chad, I, Timmy Turner, am running against you for student body president. [a fly lands on his face, and he smacks it]
Trixie Tang: Wow, you're .001 percent more of a person in my eyes now, Timmy. [drinks milk]
Timmy: Trixie? You... you actually got my name right.
Trixie: Sure! I'm political reporter for the school newspaper!
Veronica: Yeah! She has to know the names of all the total losers! [they laugh. Timmy is smiling. A fly lands on his face, and he smacks it. Cut to the trash can. A springing sound is heard]
Timmy: [lands in the trash can] Cool! If I'm president, Trixie'll have to talk to me! And with you guys helping my campaign, I can't lose! [a springing sound is heard]
Cosmo and Wanda: Incoming! [they disappear. Chesters scream as he and AJ land in the trash can]
Chester: Oh, boy! Gruel! [dives into the trash. Fade to the Turners' house]
Timmy: What do you mean, I can't wish myself student body president?
Wanda: I tried to warn you. You can't wish yourself into winning a contest. It's against Da Rules.
Cosmo: You have to win the old-fashioned way! [makes a money bag appear] Buy your way in! [Wanda punctures the empty bag, which flies around as it deflates]
Wanda: But we could be your political advisors and help run your campaign!
Cosmo: Right into the ground! [he and Wanda appear in "Timmy paraphernalia"] Yeah! It'll be great! The mass marketing of Timmy! [puts Timmy on a stage] Balloons! [balloons fall] Confetti! [throws some at Timmy] And a monkey on a unicycle, [making one appear] wearing a neon hat that goes wheeeee! [Wanda makes the monkey disappear] You'll get tons of votes!
Timmy: Cool! I should write a big campaign speech for tomorrow. [the fairies make William Shakespeare appear]
Wanda: Timmy. This is William Shakespeare. He's a writer. Maybe he can help!
Timmy: Ever won an election?
William Shakespeare: Uh... no. But I have won the hearts of millions with my poetry. And in—
Timmy: Whatever. Just start writing, Puffy Pants. [fade to the school. The auditorium is filled with cheering kids. Banners of Timmy and Tad and Chad are on the stage curtains]
Trixie and Veronica: Four more years! Four more years! [Tad and Chad get on the podium]
Timmy: They're going first! Who knows what kind of awesome and impressive speech they have lined up? [Tad and Chad lower their sunglasses, grin and point at the audience. The audience applauds, and they get off the podium] That's it? A smile and a pointing gesture?
Waxelplax: And now... Timmy Turner! [claps. Timmy gets on the podium. The audience is silent]
Timmy: [looks at his speech and clears his throat] "Yea and verily"? [Shakespeare gives him a thumbs-up] Oh, forget it! What's the matter with you kids? What kinda speech is...? [grins and points like Tad and Chad. One kid in the audience claps, then looks around] Every year, you elect these guys and then they use their power to bully you around!
Geeky Kid: No, they don't!
Bodyguard: Pipe down.
Geeky Kid: Oh, okay.
Timmy: Is that who should be representing you? They think we're losers! And maybe we are! But then... shouldn't you be represented by a loser? I'm Timmy Turner, and I want to be... [looks at his speech] or not to be...
Shakespeare: Oh, I love that line.
Timmy: ...that loser! [the audience applauds. Timmy gets off the stage]
Trixie: Timmy, that was an amazing speech!
Timmy: Really? [hearts appear in his eyes]
Trixie: Yeah. [picks him up] I...
Tad: Wait! [Trixie drops Timmy. Tad and Chad get on the podium] We're extending Cake Day!
Chad: Even for the less popular kids like you!
Audience: Tad and Chad! Tad and Chad! Tad and Chad! [the auditorium doors open, revealing a big cake. Trixie and other kids run out, trampling Timmy]
Timmy: Trixie? [Chester and AJ run over him. He looks at Cosmo and Wanda, stick flags. Fade to the house]
Wanda: Aw, Timmy, it's not over until the fat lady votes!
Cosmo: Can the principal vote?
Wanda: You still have a chance, sweetie!
Timmy: No, I don't! Everybody who comes to school tomorrow is gonna vote for Tad and Chad! I'll lose and Trixie's never gonna talk to me again. [slumps facefirst onto his pillow]
Cosmo: I told you, you shoulda stuck with the monkey! [makes it appear] Wheeeee! [Timmy throws the pillow at him. Fade to Timmy riding a scooter to school. He gets off in front of the school. A tumbleweed bounces by and a coyote howls]
Timmy: Hey! Where is everybody?
Waxelplax: Puking, probably. Food poisoning! From Tad and Chad's cake! The only reason I'm here is because I'm frosting intolerant!
Timmy: What about the election? If everyone's sick, who's gonna vote?
Waxelplax: Polls are open! [a voting booth lands in front of Timmy]
Timmy: [running into the booth] I know who I'm voting for!
Cosmo: Who?
Waxelplax: Polls are closed! [Timmy gets out of the booth and puts a ballot in a ballot box] We must count the ballots! [taking out the ballot] I mean, ballot! And the winner is... Timmy Turner! We swear you in tomorrow! Congrats! [fade to Timmy's inauguration; holding out an apple in front of Timmy] Do you accept your responsibilities as student body president?
Timmy: [putting his hand on the apple] Piece of cake! [the kids watching become nauseous] And guess what! I've already picked my own secret service detail. [Chester and AJ are dressed like Secret Service agents]
Chester: [into an earpiece] We have the "package" in our perimeter!
AJ: [into an earpiece] Affirmative! Protect the "package" at all costs! Over!
Timmy: Come on, guys! [leaving] Let's check out some of those presidential perks! [Chester and AJ look at each other, lean on each other and walk after Timmy. Fade to the cafeteria. Tad and Chad are at the front of the lunch line]
Chester: Make way! Make way! President comin' through! [Timmy walks toward Tad and Chad]
Tad: No way!
Chad: We were here first!
Timmy: Presidential privilege. [claps. The floor below Tad and Chad springs up, launching them away]
Trixie: Why, hello, Mister President. I liked the way you used your authority to cut in line!
Timmy: [to Chester and AJ] She's talking to me! It's working!
Trixie: I was hoping we could do a long, in-depth interview for the school paper.
Timmy: Oh, yeah...
Veronica: Well, I still think Timmy Turner is a loser creep! [opens her lunch box]
Chester: Lunch!
AJ: Protect the package! Go go go go! [tackles Veronica. Chester picks up Timmy]
Timmy: No! Wait! Trixie! I... [Chester drags him away. Fade to the boys' bathroom]
Chester: [gesturing to a stall with curtains and a presidential seal] The Presidential Stall, Sir. [Timmy looks at the stall. Chester presses a button that lifts up the toilet seat. Timmy smiles and enters the stall. Chester and AJ follow him, and the door closes]
Timmy: [offscreen] I can't go with you watching me.
AJ: [offscreen] We can't stop watching until you go, Sir. [a school bell rings]
Chester: That bell! The Package is late for presidential duties!
AJ: Keep the Package's appointments at all costs! Go go go go! [they grab Timmy and run out of the bathroom]
Trixie: Hi, President Timmy!
Timmy: Trixie, wait up! [Veronica, who now has a black eye, opens a compact mirror and takes the powder puff inside]
AJ: Foreign object! Get her! [tackles Veronica. Fade to Timmy on a podium]
Timmy: And I pledge that organizations like the Future Phlegmers will get their fair share of funding from student government. The Turner administration will not tolerate bias against the sinus impaired! [the Future Phlegmers cheer. Elmer sneezes, sending mucus in Timmy's direction]
Chester: Code yellow!
AJ: The Package must remain germ-free! [he dives in front of Timmy and gets hit by the mucus]
Timmy: AJ! AJ! Speak to me!
AJ: It's okay... It's only... a common cold... [sneezes]
Timmy: Nooooo![fade to Timmy's office, which is being guarded from the outside by Chester and AJ. AJ sneezes into a tissue. Cosmo and Wanda appear in front of Timmy]
Wanda: Oh, how's our little Mr. El Presidente?
Timmy: Miserable! I do boring stuff all day, can't go to the bathroom by myself...
Cosmo: Hey! Neither can I!
Timmy: ...and now that Trixie wants to talk to me, we can't, because I get yanked away by my secret service!
Wanda: Well, Timmy, nobody ever said being a leader was going to be easy.
Timmy: I didn't wanna be a leader, I just wanted to be President. I want out.
Wanda: You have to be impeached.
Cosmo: Yeah! You have to do something so bad, the whole school wants you out! I'll get the monkey!
Timmy: No, wait! I've got a better idea. [fade to the library]
Sanjay: [holding out an "audiovisual guide" book Timmy puts his hand on] Welcome to the Library Assistant's Club, President Turner! Do you swear to always re-shelve according to the Dewey Decimal System and to defend the library against the loudness and gum chewing of all others?
Timmy: You bet! [the popular kids are watching from the hallway]
Trixie: [gasps] It can't be true!
Veronica: It is true! President Timmy Turner likes books and periodicals!
Sanjay: Silence!
Tad: [takes a photo] Oh, you're ruined, Turner! Ruined! [cut to the auditorium, where the photo of Sanjay and Timmy is being projected] Timmy Turner, you stand accused of geekiness while in office! How do you plead?
Timmy: Guilty. [the audience gasps] So what? I like books. I like math too. And I'd join the Future Phlegmers if I had a bad enough allergy. [Elmer claps as his nose drips mucus] What are you gonna do about it? Impeach me?
Tad: That's a great idea!
Chad: Impeach! Impeach!
Veronica: All in favor?
Students: Aye!
Veronica: Turner is out. Tad and Chad are back in! [Tad and Chad grin and point, and the audience cheers]
Timmy: [to Trixie] Hey, uh... Now that I'm not the president anymore, I thought maybe you and I could finally have that talk.
Trixie: Three words. "Not" "president" "anymore". [Timmy blinks; to Tad and Chad] So, what's for lunch? [starts walking with them]
Tad and Chad: Not cake! [Chester and AJ shrug at Timmy and follow the popular boys. Fade to the classroom]
Cosmo: Well, that's politics! You win a few, you lose a lot!
Timmy: Well, I'd rather be a normal geek than student body president any day! [the door opens] Humans! [the fairies turn into drawings on the chalkboard]
Elmer: Timmy? [Timmy blinks] You stood up for us! [he sniffles as he and other Future Phlegmers drip mucus on the floor] Nobody ever stands up for us!
Timmy: Really, guys... It was nothing.
Future Phlegmers: [surrounding Timmy] One of us! One of us! One of us!
Timmy: Nooooo![the Future Phlegmers pile on him]
Cosmo: Aw! Look how popular he is!
Wanda: All's well that ends well.
Shakespeare: I wrote that! [iris out on him and the fairies. The sound of mucus is heard as the end title card is shown. Fade to black]
