Mr. Crocker: Good news, class. I've finished grading your tests, and according to my F-tracker, Timmy Turner just got his 5,000th F! [Timmy's classmates cheer, and confetti and balloons labeled "Failure", "Loser", and"F!"fall]Trixie, tell him what he's won!
Trixie: [jumps up to Timmy with a card] Can I get a spotlight or something?
Crocker: Just read the card.
Trixie: [reading] Well, Timmy, you've won an all-expense-paid stay at Crocker's Military Academy for one!
Crocker: Right you are, Trixie! [turns on a projector] At Captain Crocker's Military Academy, you'll finally learn to... shape up! Your day starts at 5 a.m. with basic training. [Mrs. Crocker is shown on the projector screen doing push-ups with Mr. Crocker on her back] As illustrated here by Major Mother, you'll do a thousand push-ups, run a grueling obstacle course... [on the screen, Mrs. Crocker runs the course and is tripped by Crocker] then practice hand-to-hand combat with a grizzly bear!
Timmy: Uh, how's that going to help me get better grades?
Crocker: Don't sass me, soldier![away from Timmy] Besides, it's all just a ruse so I can get you alone and capture your... [spasming]fairy godparents! [falls to the floor]
Timmy: I heard that!
Crocker: All I need are your parents' signatures on this permission slip, and I'll be at your house at 1800 hours to get them.
Timmy: You're wasting your time. My mom and dad would never put me in your stupid military school. [cut to Mr. and Mrs. Turner bouncing on a trampoline in their living room]
Mr. Turner: Hooray! Timmy's going to military school!
Timmy: What? You guys can't be serious!
Mr. Turner: Sure, we are! Military school will be great for you, son! You'll learn stuff like rules and discipline and...
Mrs. Turner: We can finally rent out your room!
Mr. Turner: [flips off the trampoline and lands on the floor] Nailed it! [catches his wife]
Timmy: But you guys can't sign that permission slip!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Why not?
Timmy: Because... uh... [he kicks a pencil holder and the stand it is on out the window, hitting a mailman outside] you're outta pencils!
Mr. Turner: No problem! [breaks an emergency cabinet and takes the pencil inside]
Timmy: This definitely is a problem! [he runs to his room, which looks like a battlefield]Cosmo? Wanda? [screams and ducks to avoid Poof, a fighter plane] What the...?
Cosmo: Timmy, duck! [he drags Timmy into a trench before Poof can shoot him with thumbtacks. Poof roars]
Timmy: What the heck's going on? Why is my room a battlefield?
Wanda: It's Poof. We can't get him to take his nap, and he's turned into a sleep-deprived World War II fighter plane. [Poof roars and dives]
Timmy: But, guys, my parents are about to sign me away to Crocker's military academy! I need your magic now! [Poof drops a used diaper into the trench]
Cosmo: Ah! Diaper in the hole! I'll save us! [Timmy dives away, and Cosmo dives onto the diaper, which explodes offscreen] Bad idea.
Wanda: Sorry, sport. We can't help you 'til we get Poof down. I'm whipping up a magic baby formula that's guaranteed to put him to sleep. Oh, let's see: boring elevator music... [puts a CD in a baby bottle. It becomes a pink liquid] a guide to the Dewey Decimal System... [puts the book in the bottle] and a six-hour documentary on the history of yarn. [puts the video in the bottle] There. That should put anyone to sleep. [the doorbell rings]
Timmy: Oh, no! Crocker's here! [zips to the stairs]
Mrs. Turner: Mr. Crocker! Please come in.
Crocker: [wearing a military uniform] That's Captain Crocker! [holding up the slip] Now, just sign here, and those fairies—eh, I mean, Timmy's successful future—is in the bag! [Mrs. Turner signs the slip]
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Why not? [Mr. Turner signs the slip]
Timmy: Oh, my gosh! They signed it!
Mr. Turner: Oh, my gosh. I'm really gonna miss our little girl. [starts crying]
Mrs. Turner: Me too. [cries] Hey, how about a glass of lemonade to celebrate our new spare room?
Crocker: [going into the bathroom] Actually, I need to use the latrine. It was a bumpy ride in the fairy-catching van— I mean, official military vehicle. [closes the bathroom door]
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: [clink their glasses of lemonade] To military school!
Timmy: [zips to his room] Guys, my parents just signed Crocker's permission slip! [Poof, now a spider-like mecha, roars and fires lasers. He steps on a car as he walks across the room] Whoa, I never realized my room was so big.
Cosmo: I'll draw his fire! [Poof grabs him] Bad idea!
Wanda: Here's the formula, Poof. Bottoms up. [Poof knocks the bottle out of her hand. It goes flying out of the room and empties into Mr. and Mrs. Turner's lemonade, which they than drink. Timmy watches them]
Mr. Turner: Mmm. Tangy with a hint of yarn documentary. [he and his wife falls asleep]
Timmy: Guys, my mom and dad drank the formula and fell asleep! I wish they'd wake up and tell Crocker they've changed their minds about military school! [Cosmo and Wanda raise their wands, which Poof takes]
Cosmo: Ah! Hey! [Poof roars]
Wanda: Poof, give those back right now! [Poof knocks her and Cosmo into a wall] Oh, sorry, Timmy, we can't help you without our wands.
Timmy: Then I'll have to handle this some other way. Wanda, come with me. [Poof takes her] Cosmo, [dragging a screaming Cosmo out of the room] come with me. [Batman-style transition to the living room] Cosmo, without magic, there's only one thing to do.
Cosmo: Turn your parents into puppets to trick Crocker into giving back that permission slip?
Timmy: Well, I was going to lock Mr. Crocker in the basement for life, but let's go with your plan. [transition to Cosmo and Timmy tying strings to Mr. and Mrs. Turner's arms and legs and painting open eyes on their eyelids. Controlling the parents' bodies like marionettes from the second floor, they move them to the couch. A toilet flushes offscreen]
Crocker: Ah... Thanks for letting me use the bathroom. FYI, you might want to light a scented candle in there. Well, I'll take your son and his fairies now and be on my way.
Timmy: [playing Mr. Turner] Wait, Captain Crocker! We've changed your minds about sending Timmy to military school. And we'd, uh, like our permission slip back.
Crocker: Well, as they say in the army, tough turkeys! You already signed it! [Cosmo and Timmy frantically move the marionette controllers. Mrs. Turner's body slaps Crocker] Ow! [Mr. Turner's body tickles him, and Mrs. Turner slaps him] Ow! [Mr. Turner tickles him] Stop that! [Mrs. Turner gives him a wedgie] Gah! Thanks for the super wedgie. Now hand over the boy.
Timmy: [to Cosmo] We can't let him leave 'til we get that permission slip!
Cosmo: Right! [playing Mrs. Turner] Wait, Captain Crocker! We insist you stay for dinner! We're having... um... cereal... salt... and baby corn.
Crocker: Hmm... Well, I do like baby corn. I'll eat anything that hasn't had a chance to grow up.
Timmy: [playing Mr. Turner] Eeh, great! [pulling out a chair in the dining room] Take a seat! [Crocker goes to sit on the chair, which Mr. Turner's body moves away before he can] Why don't you get us dinner, dear?
Cosmo: [playing Mrs. Turner] Okay. Just give me a second to fix my woman face. [hums as he tries to make Mrs. Turner put on lipstick]♪ Dee la lee-la! ♪[he has drawn a lipstick line on her shirt and face] Ah! I'm gorgeous! Be right back. To the kitchen! [drags Mrs. Turner into the kitchen. Her legs get stuck at the door frame, and he forces them in. Cut to Timmy's room. Poof, a giant ape on a skyscraper, roars and beats his chest]
Wanda: [flying a biplane] Okay, Poof, drink your sleepy-time formula for Mommy. [she sprays formula at him, and he punches the plane away] Mayday! Mayday! [cut to the dining room. Mr. Turner's hand reaches for the slip, but Crocker moves the slip away and puts it in his pocket. Cosmo is dragging Mrs. Turner toward the dining room while she holds a tray with cereal, salt, and baby corn]
Cosmo: Dinner's ready! [Mrs. Turner's legs get stuck at the door frame. The tray goes flying, and the baby corn lands on Crocker's legs]
Crocker: [screams] Hot baby corn!
Timmy: Sorry. The missus can be a little clumsy. Let me throw your pants in the washer. [Mr. Turner's body takes Crocker's pants, revealing another pair]
Crocker: A good soldier's always prepared. [taking the slip] And I'll take that permission slip, thank you. Now, if you'll kindly tell Timmy to jump into this burlap sack, [tossing the sack] I'll be on my way. [he walks to the front door but Mr. Turner is swung in front of him]
Timmy: Wait, Mr. Crocker! Before you go, let's... tango! [Cosmo turns on tango music, and Timmy makes his father's body dance with Crocker. Crocker dips Mr. Turner] Ha ha! [trying to grab the slip, he makes Mr. Turner slap Crocker]
Crocker: Oh! The slap tango. Mother and I haven't done that in years. [he continues dancing, and Mr. Turner slaps him more. Timmy reaches for and misses the slip, then pushes Crocker into a wall, spins him, and throws him]
Cosmo: [to Timmy] I had no idea you were such a good dancer. [Wanda's plane crashes]
Wanda: Boys, I need your help with Poof.
Timmy: We can't just leave Crocker with Mom and Dad! He'll figure out they're asleep and leave!
Wanda: [takes Timmy's controller] Give me that! [takes Cosmo's controller; playing Mr. Turner] Mr. Crocker, uh, why don't you tell us all about yourself? We're really interested.
Crocker: Interested in me? Oh, that's a first. Well, okay.
Wanda: There. That'll keep him busy. Now come on! [drags Timmy and Cosmo away]
Crocker: I was born on May 13, a day my own mother refers to as... Black Friday. [Timmy and the godparents enter his room]
Timmy: Whoa. My room is huge! And it's Tokyo? [Poof shows up as a three-headed hydra. He roars and breathes fire at the others, who hide under the bed] What's happening to Poof?
Wanda: Oh, he keeps growing into bigger monsters. If he doesn't take a nap soon, he'll explode!
Cosmo: They blow up so fast! [cut to the living room]
Crocker: And that's when they kicked me outta the ninja academy. [cut to Timmy's room. Poof roars and shoots beams from his mouths. Timmy and the godparents are in a hovercraft with a giant bottle of formula. During this scene, the characters' lips move out of sync with their speech]
Wanda: We've got to get this bottle in Poof's mouth!
Cosmo: Which one? I love talking outta sync! [cut to the living room]
Crocker: It was then I knew I would never be a great ballerina. [cut to Timmy's room]
Timmy: Setting target for middle mouth. [the bottle is pointed at Poof. Timmy presses a remote button that starts a countdown] Ten, nine, eight... [cut to the living room]
Crocker: [laughs] I thought about being a cat burglar, but what am I gonna do with a bunch of cats? [cut to Timmy's room]
Wanda: Five, four, three... [cut to the living room]
Crocker: And that's why I can never, ever, ever go back to Cincinnati. [cut to Timmy's room]
Cosmo: June, pistachio, Flag Day, zero! [Timmy fires the bottle into Poof's middle mouth. Poof turns back to normal and drinks while asleep]
Tokyo Man: [moving his lips out of sync] Thank you for saving our city, which mysteriously appeared in your bedroom! [leaves]
Timmy: Now to get that permission slip. [zips to the stairs]
Crocker: [sniffles] Turners, thank you for letting me open up to you. Reexamining my life has made me realize I don't need a military academy just so I can capture Timmy's... fairies— uh, I mean, mold him into a man. In fact, I'm going to rip up this permission slip in front of your unblinking eyes! [rips up the slip. Timmy smiles] From now on, I'm going to do something meaningful with my life. I'll be the greatest ninja ballerina cat burglar the world has ever known! That'll show those rubes in Cincinnati. Let's celebrate the new me with a glass of lemonade! [drinks from one of the lemonade glasses] Hmm... Tangy with a hint of yarn documentary. [falls asleep]
Timmy: [holding string and a jar of white paint] Time to get rid of Mr. Crocker! [Mr. and Mrs. Turner wake up]
Mr. Turner: That's funny. All the excitement over Timmy leaving must have made me tie strings to our hands and feet.
Mrs. Turner: And pass out. Oh, Mr. Crocker, why'd you tear up the permission slip?
Timmy: [playing Crocker] Uh... Because I changed my mind about military school! Timmy's a great kid. You should let him play lots of video games and eat more candy. Fairy godparents! Good night. [lifts Crocker away]
Mrs. Turner: That was weird.
Mr. Turner: It sure was. [looking at the glasses] Ooh! Lemonade! [they drink lemonade and fall asleep. Timmy throws Crocker at a bus outside. The bus door closes on Crocker's head, and the bus leaves]
Wanda: Where's that bus going? [cut to the bus driving toward Cincinnati. A sign reads "Welcome to Cincinnati / Crocker free since '83!"]
Crocker: Gah! Not Cincinnati! [iris out. The end title card is shown. Fade to black]