Farm Pit/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Farm Pit"
Season	7
Episode	119A
Airdate	August 5, 2012
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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Farm Pit" from Season 7, which aired on August 5, 2012.

Transcript

[Fade in on the Turners' house at night. Mr. Turner comes out of the house with a briefcase, starts the car, and looks around]

Mr. Turner: Ooh... not a car in sight! Leaving for work extra early is great. I didn't just beat the traffic—I kicked the traffic's butt! [before he can back out of the driveway, traffic fills the road. He angrily drives back up to the garage, and the traffic goes away, only to come back when he tries to back out. This repeats until morning] Stupid traffic! It kicked my butt! [starts driving back and forth and grunting]

Timmy: [leaving the house] Off to school, Dad.

[Fade to afternoon]

Timmy: Home from school.

[Fade to night. Mrs. Turner is serving Timmy casserole when crashing and car alarms are heard. Mr. Turner kicks the door down and pants furiously. There is a pile of cars behind him]

Mrs. Turner: How was your day in the driveway, dear?

Mr. Turner: My commute's a traffic nightmare! That's why I've come up with a very sensible plan so I'll never have to drive to work again. I quit my job!

Timmy: You quit your job? Not to make this all about me, but... how are you gonna feed me with no money to buy food?

Mr. Turner: Oh, we're going to grow our own food from now on, because I'm going to become... [strips to a tight plaid shirt and small denim shorts] a farmer! This is what farmers wear, Timmy. I'm in my Daisy Dude shorts!

Timmy: [blinks] Wow, that's hard to look at. Dad, you don't know anything about farming.

Mr. Turner: Eeh, that's where you're wrong, son! I've always been terrific at growing things! I grow hair on my back every day. [hair sprouts from under his shirt]

Mrs. Turner: And so do I! [hair sprouts from under her shirt]

Mr. Turner: [laughs] Everyone knows I have a green thumb. Right, little plant? [he touches the plant, and it screams, shrivels up, and crumbles. Lightning strikes the flowerpot and a tombstone pops up. A truck horn sounds] My dream! It's here! [he runs outside, and the others look. He signs for a delivery man] It's the farming kit I ordered. It's got everything I need to start my own farm right here! [he opens the kit, which contains worn-out farming tools and a dog with bull horns on its head. He takes a bag from inside] Eh! Vejdable seeds! [doing the following] Now I just plant these seeds in the mailbox, pour coffee all over them, and wait for the earth's bounty to sprout overnight! [he and Mrs. Turner leave. The mailbox screams, shrivels up, and crumbles, and a tombstone pops up. Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof appear]

Timmy: Man, this farm's gonna be a total disaster. We'll never grow any food! [beat] Unless I help out with a little magic. Guys! I wish my dad's farm was awesome! [the fairies grant the wish]

[Fade to the house. The sun rises. Mr. and Mrs. Turner are asleep. A rooster on their alarm clock crows. It jumps up when Mr. Turner hits the clock and then pecks his forehead. Mr. and Mrs. Turner sit up and look out the window and see a vast farm]

Mr. Turner: Yippee! I did it! [he and Mrs. Turner strip to farmer clothes and run outside]

Timmy: Wow, look at that. You must really be a great farmer, Dad.

Mr. Turner: Oh, I'm not a great farmer, son. I'm the greatest farmer ever! Now we'll go harvest some crops in the hot sun! And by "we", I mean you. [puts a straw hat on Timmy. Timmy jumps back as a pitchfork is placed next to him]

[Fade to Timmy struggling to pull a giant carrot out of the ground. After he does so, another carrot pops up in its place]

Timmy: These crops grow fast. And why are the veggies so big? [the fairies appear]

Wanda: [magically moving the carrot away] It's 'cause we planted super seeds, sport.

Cosmo: Super seeds supersede all other kinds of seeds 'cause they're super, see? Wait. What did I just say?

Wanda: They're the most powerful seeds in the universe. Once they're planted, even our magic can't stop them from growing.

Cosmo: Ooh! Look what else I found in the farm-in-a-box kit! Just what every farm needs! A scarecrow and an apple pie! Ooh! And look, a tiny twister! [he releases the tornado from its jar, and it picks up a cow] Now that's what every farm needs: a flying cow! Check it out, Wanda! [he, Wanda, their wands, and Poof are picked up by the tornado. The fairies scream]

Timmy: Guys, come back! [the tornado picks him up, and he screams and is sent flying into a fence post]

Mrs. Turner: Everybody into the storm cellar!

Mr. Turner: [taking the scarecrow] Come on, Timmy! [he and Mrs. Turner enter the cellar. Timmy screams as he holds on to the fence, and the tornado picks up all the crops and animals, a silo, and a barn and leaves. Mr. and Mrs. Turner comes out of the cellar] The storm's over. Luckily, we're all safe. [holding up the scarecrow] And so is Timmy!

Timmy: [offscreen] I'm over here, Dad! [his head is in the fence post]

Mr. Turner: [screams] A talking, bucktoothed scarecrow!

Mrs. Turner: My goodness, this place is a mess! Our farm is ruined!

Mr. Turner: Don't worry. I'll take care of it. [to the land] I command you to regrow! [carrots and oranges grow ahead of him] I am the greatest farmer ever! [to Timmy] Okay, scarecrow, let us know when you've cleared the wreckage! [the tornado shoots cows onto Timmy]

Timmy: Aw, where's Cosmo and Wanda and Poof now that I really need them?

[Cut to the fairies screaming inside the tornado. A crash leaves Cosmo unconscious]

Cosmo: [wakes up] Ah! We must be over the rainbow—in a magical land of color and music! [they are in a gloomy, desolate town, and a crime scene is nearby]

Wanda: [reading a town sign] "Welcome to Cleveland. Now go home!"

Cosmo: Ooh! The magical land of Cleve! It's beautiful! Look, an adorable munchkin is coming to welcome us! [a dirty man coughs as he walks by]

Wanda: Cosmo, focus! We need to find our wands and get back to Timmy, quick!

Cosmo: I know! We'll just go ask the wizard!

Wanda: What are you talking about? There's no wizard in Cleveland.

Cosmo: Really? Then what do you call that? [he is gesturing to a billboard directing to "the Wizard"] That wizard will give us our wands back for sure! Come on, Poof! Let's follow the yellow tape road! [leading Poof down a street with police tape] ♪ Oh, we're off to see the wizard ♪

♪ In the magical land of Cleve! ♪

♪ He'll tell us how to get our wands ♪

♪ And then we'll be able to leave! ♪ [Wanda gets tangled in police tape, and police cars stop in front of her]

Cop: Freeze! [Wanda puts her hands up]

[Cut to Timmy hammering nails on a roof]

Timmy: Man, farming is hard! But at least I finally finished the new barn! [the tornado drops a cow on him, making the barn collapse]

Mr. Turner: [to the scarecrow] Never let a talking scarecrow build a barn, son.

[Fade to Timmy lifting corncobs out of the ground]

Timmy: Phew. [more cobs fill the landscape]

Mr. Turner: Ooh, you have to work hard in this life. [drinks a sundae] Where do you think you are? The magical land of Cleve?

[Fade to a pig eating super seeds from a trough]

Timmy: [pours seeds into the trough] Phew. Finally got all the animals fed. I'm glad this day's almost over. [the pig starts growing] Oh, no! I accidentally fed all the farm animals super seeds? [as more animals grow] Now the size of this super sow supersedes all the other sows! [giant cows moo angrily, and one rears in front of him] Iii'm just gonna run. [screams as he runs from the cows] Cosmo, Wanda, Poof! Where are you?

[Cut to outside a Cleveland police station]

Man: [kicking Wanda out] Next time, stay outta the crime scene!

Wanda: But they're everywhere! [Cosmo floats by. He is dressed like Dorothy Gale and is holding a basket in which Poof is sitting as a dog] Cosmo, where have you been? I got arrested, and there's still no sign of a wizard or our wands!

Cosmo: Yeah, but it's not a total loss. I borrowed these clothes from a sleeping munchkin—

[A flashback in which Cosmo takes the ruby slippers from a body at a crime scene appears]

Cosmo: —uh, at least, I think he was sleeping—

[Cut back to the scene]

Cosmo: —and we did find this scaredy-cat lion, [pan to a hairy hobo] this dancing scarecrow, [pan to a mop and a newspaper vending machine] and this guy made entirely of tin! They wanna meet the wizard too.

Hairy Hobo: The voices are back, man!

Wanda: Cosmo, for the last time, we're in Cleveland! There's no wizard here!

Cosmo: Shh! Wanda! Don't let the wizard hear you. He's just two blocks away, and there's free parking in his rear! [he is pointing to a billboard reading "The Wizard of Cod / 2 blocks / Free parking in rear"]

Wanda: The Wizard of Cod? Cosmo, that's a fast food chain!

Cosmo: [flying off] ♪ Oh, we're off to see the wizard! ♪

♪ The wonderful Wizard of Cod! ♪

♪ He sold me fish instead of wands! ♪

♪ We think that's kind of odd! ♪ [an annoyed Wanda follows him]

[Cut to a line of cars in front of the farm. A car with a cob tied to it drives off, and Mr. and Mrs. Turner wave at it holding dollar bills. They hear clucking]

Mr. Turner: Stop playing with those chickens, scarecrow! We need more tomatoes! [giant chickens are kicking Timmy to each other. Timmy screams as he is kicked and falls on the ground. A chicken lays an egg offscreen, and Timmy screams and zips away as the egg rolls toward him. The egg follows him offscreen and cracks. Wipe to Mr. Turner with a wheelbarrow filled with money; to the scarecrow] Our farm's a huge success, Timmy! Our farm's a huge success, Timmy! [the watermelon he is leaning on screams, shrivels up, and crumbles, and a tombstone pops up in its place]

Timmy: Dad, I'm really beat! Can I please take a break?

Mr. Turner: Ooh! There's no breaks in farming! We can never, never, never rest, not even for a minute! We'll be farmers forever! Which means I should get some rest! [drags the wheelbarrow away]

Timmy: Farmers forever? I'll never survive! I gotta get Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof back. But how am I gonna find 'em? [thunderclouds gather and the tornado reappears] Hey, maybe that tornado can take me wherever it took Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof! Or maybe I'll rip my flesh off my bones and put me out of my misery! So win-win! [jumping into the tornado] Banzai! [the tornado leaves with him]

Mr. Turner: [jumping out of the cellar] Ooh, I wasn't scared. [holding up the scarecrow] Timmy here hugged me when the scary wind made me cry.

Mrs. Turner: That's not Timmy, dear! Timmy's been whisked away by that tornado!

Mr. Turner: What? Our son? Gone? Nooooo! Who's going to harvest the crops? Breathe, Turner. Breathe! How hard can farming really be? [he grabs a cob in the ground, which screams, shrivels up, and crumbles. A tombstone pops up in its place]

[Cut to Cleveland. The tornado spins past a town sign graffitied with "You still here?" Timmy screams as the tornado shoots him at the Wizard of Cod sign, and he falls into the restaurant. He walks up to the fairies]

Cosmo: [eats, then coughs] That's how we say hello in the magical land of Cleve! Look! [holds up a sandwich with a fish in it] I'm having a Big Mackerel!

Timmy: Okay, wait. While I was working my butt off, you guys were chowing down on fish sandwiches? Did you even look for your wands?!

Cosmo: [holding up the wands] You mean these wands? Funny thing—I found them in my back pocket.

Wanda and Timmy: You had the wands the whole time?!

Cosmo: I couldn't leave without helping my friends, Timmy. The scarecrow needs a brain, the tin man needs a heart, and the lion needs his calming-down medicine!

Hairy Hobo: I wanna go to Florida!

Cosmo: Use your inside voice, lion.

Timmy: Okay, playtime's over. It's time to wish away that nutty farm!

Wanda: No can do. I told you, sport, we can't stop super seeds from growing. Their powers even supersede our powers. See?

Timmy: Ugh, are you kidding me? I'm gonna be stuck as my dad's unpaid farmhand forever?! We gotta figure out a way out of this. Poof us home!

Cosmo: [hugging the mop] I'll miss you most of all! [sniffs] The scarecrow smells like a bus station bathroom. [Wanda poofs herself and company away]

[Cut to the farm, where all the plants are dead and a vulture is flying. Timmy and the fairies poof in]

Timmy: Whoa, what happened? I thought you couldn't wish away magic crops.

Wanda: We didn't, Timmy. They must have been ruined by some ghastly, destructive power. [Mr. and Mrs. Turner cry]

Mr. Turner: Without Timmy to do the farmwork, I killed every crop in the field except this puny little radish! [he touches the radish, making it scream, shrivel up, and crumble. A tombstone pops up in its place] I'm the worst farmer ever! I'd give anything to be stuck in the driveway all day all over again! [he and his wife cry]

Timmy: Wow, Dad killed all the magic veggies. His black thumb must supersede the super seeds.

Cosmo: Your parents are as bad at raising crops as they are at raising kids! [Timmy glares at him] Not you. I meant, um... your sister.

Timmy: I wish the farm was gone and my dad had his old job back! [the fairies grant the wish]

[Fade to the Turners' traffic-filled street]

Mr. Turner: Ahhhhh, the smell of exhaust fumes. I love beautiful, farm-free Dimmsdale and its lovely traffic! Well, off to work!

Timmy: How about a ride to school, Dad?

Mr. Turner: Sure thing, son! [he whistles, and the tornado drops a giant cow. He and Timmy mount the cow] Hang on! Hiya! [kicks the cow. The cow angrily snorts, rears, and charges destructively through the traffic]

Wanda: You know what I could use, Cosmo?

Cosmo: I sure do! More fish sandwiches with our new friends! [he whistles, and the tornado drops the mailbox, the hobo, and the mop]

Hairy Hobo, Cosmo, and Wanda: ♪ Oh, we're off to see the wizard ♪

♪ In the magical land of Cleve! ♪

[going to Cleveland] ♪ He'll feed us fish until we barf! ♪

♪ I think his name is Steve! ♪

[Iris out on the gang. The end title card is shown. Fade to black]

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