[Fade in on the Turners' house. There is a stage in Timmy's room. Wanda, Timmy and Sparky are sitting in theater chairs]
Cosmo: Ladies and gentlemen—and dog who helped me squeeze into this unitard...
Sparky: [to Timmy] I saw things a dog shouldn't see.
Cosmo: —presenting the magical stylings of... Poof! [the stage curtains part, revealing Poof dressed as a magician]
Poof: [uses his rattle and pulls a rabbit out of his hat] Poof poof!
Wanda, Timmy and Sparky: Yay!
Sparky: Rabbit! [chasing it offscreen] Woof, woof! Woof, woof! [running away as the rabbit shoots him with laser eyes] Ah! Laser rabbit! [the rabbit runs after him]
Wanda: Oh, that was great, sweetie.
Timmy: Pull something else outta your magic hat, Poof! [Poof uses his rattle and pulls Mr. Crocker's head out of the hat]
Mr. Crocker: Fairies!
Timmy: Put it back! Put it back! [Poof does so]
Cosmo: Poof, I'm starving. For your next trick, make me a sandwich. [Poof turns him into a sandwich] Dah! That's not what I meant! And even worse, I didn't get a beverage!
Sparky: Sandwich! [Cosmo screams and flies away from him. Poof's hat shakes and Jorgen's head comes out of it]
Jorgen: Everyone... [poofs out of the hat] I have huge news! I also have huge biceps. Which would you like me to elaborate on first?
Timmy: I assume you'll go with the opposite of what I pick.
Jorgen: Obviously.
Timmy: I pick biceps!
Jorgen: Okay. The big news is that the Fairy Council has decided that Poof's magic is now powerful enough for him to have his own fairy godperson!
Poof: Poof poof? Poof poof poof poof poof?
Jorgen: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Poof. That's a lot of questions. Let's answer them one at a time.
Wanda: Wait. What do you mean, "fairy godperson"? Don't you mean "fairy godkid"?
Jorgen: No. The council has decided to appeal to a new demographic. They've done young and hip; now they are going for old and broken hip.
Timmy: Hold the phone, Jorgen. Are you saying Poof's gonna be assigned to an old person?
Jorgen: Yes. But we needed to find an old person miserable enough to deserve a fairy godparent. And luckily, I found the most miserable old person in Dimmsdale—Mrs. Crocker!
Wanda: You can't give my baby to Mrs. Crocker! Her son is a dangerous fairy hunter!
Crocker: Geh! Somebody help me! I'm trapped in a hat!
Jorgen: Yeah, I don't think he's going to be a problem. Besides, it is only a trial run to see if the "fairies for old people" program works.
Timmy: Jorgen, I don't think Poof's gonna be all that excited to be assigned to Mrs. Crocker.
Jorgen: He looks pretty excited to me. And speaking of bodybuilding, who wants to talk about my pecs?
Timmy: I do!
Jorgen: [stops smiling] Well, then, I'm out of here. I'll meet Poof at Mrs. Crocker's house first thing tomorrow. [poofs away]
Wanda: Uh, I don't know about this. Poof going to work at his age makes me nervous.
Cosmo: You wanna feel nervous? Try living your life as a grilled cheese sandwich. Everyone wants a piece of me! [Sparky takes a bite out of him] Okay, I'm gonna need that piece back. [Sparky licks his lips and chases him]
[Fade to outside the Crockers' house. Timmy, Cosmo, Wanda, Poof and Sparky appear]
Jorgen: Morning, everyone! Ooh, I see Poof is ready for his big day!
Wanda: I'm still not sure he's old enough to be on his own.
Jorgen: It is going to be a snap, Wanda. Most of the job will consist of polishing Mrs. Crocker's dentures and poofing up soft foods. Come on, Poof! It is time to meet your fairy godgeezer. [he and Poof disappear]
Cosmo: Well, it's time for me to go too, Wanda. I'm gonna spend my life on the run like an edible desperado.
Wanda: Oh, Cosmo, just change back into yourself!
Cosmo: I would, but Sparky took a bite outta my memory and I can't remember what I used to be! [disappears]
[Cut to inside the house]
Crocker: Mother, I'm off to school. Goodbye. Hopefully forever.
Mrs. Crocker: [giving him a lunch bag] Here's your lunch, Denzel. Have a good day. I love you.
Crocker: If you loved me, you wouldn't have packed head cheese! [leaves. Mrs. Crocker whimpers]
Jorgen: Excuse me. Mrs. Crocker?
Mrs. Crocker: Oh! Ah! Stranger danger! [hits Jorgen on the head with a frying pan. He falls over] Oh, ooh, I'm terribly sorry. You must be my date from that online matchmaking service I signed up for—Wrinkled Romance.
Jorgen: Ehh, not exac—
Mrs. Crocker: Don't say a word. Unless it's about your biceps.
Jorgen: Finally, somebody gets me. Anyway, I came from Fairy World to give you the greatest gift a mortal can receive!
Mrs. Crocker: A fondue set?
Jorgen: Yes. No! Your own fairy godparent! Allow me to introduce you to... Poof! [poofs in Poof]
Poof: Poof poof!
Mrs. Crocker: Ooh! I have a fairy godparent? And it's a cute floating head with chubby little legs!
Jorgen: Yes. And he will grant your every wish. But first, there are two main rules you need to follow: You cannot use magic to cheat, and you cannot tell anyone you have a fairy. Now, how about a test wish? [Mrs. Crocker whispers to Poof, who changes Jorgen's clothes to a bow tie and leopard print underwear and makes a fondue set appear in his hand]
Mrs. Crocker: It worked! My "hunky man with a fondue set" wish came true!
Jorgen: Get your mind out of the gutter, woman. Good luck, Poof. [disappears]
Mrs. Crocker: This is so exciting! My next wish is to look exactly like I did when I was 21.
Poof: Poof poof! [changes her clothes]
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, my goodness! I'm beautiful! Now that I'm a knockout, I want to fulfill all my other dreams. First, I wanna be able to pull a bus with my teeth. [Poof does a take and poofs her away]
[Cut to outside Dimmsdale Elementary. People cheer as Mrs. Crocker uses her teeth to pull a school bus past a finish line. The bus's doors open and Timmy walks down the steps]
Timmy: [to A.J.] Well, that was one weird ride to school.
[Fade to a field]
Mrs. Crocker: Poof, I'm ready for my next wish. I've always wanted to eat a cake in the future.
Poof: Poof poof?
Mrs. Crocker: No, I'm not kidding. [Poof does a take and poofs her away]
[Cut to Dimmsdale in the future]
Robot: Enjoy some cake. [feeds Mrs. Turner cake]
Mrs. Crocker: This future cake is delicious. The best part is that I can eat as much as I want and still stay trim in the past!
Robot: Here is your check. You must pay 7,000 government credits or spend twenty years in Work Camp 9.
Mrs. Crocker: I wish I had a laser rabbit. [Poof makes one destroy the robot] Okay, Poof. Now I wish I was home watching my favorite TV show. [Poof poofs the two of them to her living room]
Announcer: [on the TV] Welcome back to another exciting episode of Fondues and Don'ts. Today we're dipping this grilled cheese sandwich in a boiling pot of chocolate.
Cosmo: [being lowered into the pot] Look, Wanda! I'm on TV! Yay, chocolate! [cries out in pain]
Mrs. Crocker: This is perfect, Poof! But you know what I wish for most of all? To spend more time with Denzel. [Poof poofs in Denzel Washington]
Denzel Washington: What am I doin' here?
Mrs. Crocker: Not Academy Award–winning actor Denzel Washington! My son, Denzel Crocker! [Poof poofs Denzel Washington away and poofs in Crocker]
Crocker: Dah! What happened? I was right in the middle of breaking up a food fight in the cafeteria! It was me against the entire school. Ooh... That little Becky Wangberg has quite an arm on her.
Mrs. Crocker: Denzel, there's something I need to tell you. I know Denzel Washington and I have magic now.
Crocker: What? I believe the Denzel Washington thing, but the magic thing is just plain crazy!
Mrs. Crocker: It's true! I have a fair...ly magical pillow.
Crocker: You really expect me to believe that you— [sees Poof floating up from the couch] Holy couch accessory! You weren't kidding. I guess you can get anything on the internet these days.
Mrs. Crocker: Listen, Denzel. I feel like we've been drifting apart. So I want to make a very special wish.
Crocker: Oh, please don't let it be that you want us to spend more time together.
Mrs. Crocker: I want us to spend more time together. Remember when you were a kid and we used to run errands? I wish we would have a day like that all over again.
Crocker: Well, wish away, Mother. That's not gonna happen. [disappears]
Crocker: Fun? It was a nightmare! First you made me get braces again, then my old barber put a bowl on my head to cut my hair. It still had cereal in it! And now I'm dressed like a turn-of-the-century dandy!
Mrs. Crocker: You look adorable. Oh, Denzel, what a perfect day. I love you! Now, don't you have something you wanna say to me?
Crocker: Oh, I have something to say, alright. But I have a little too much dignity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hike up my knee socks, pick the corn outta my braces and skip all the way home! [skipping away] La-la-la-la-la! [Mrs. Crocker sighs]
[Fade to the Crockers' house]
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Poof, my son just doesn't wanna spend time with me anymore. I guess I'll have to fill the hole in my heart with superficial material possessions. I wish for diamonds, a mink coat, a Jaguar... [Poof grants the wish with an actual jaguar] Not that kind of a jaguar. [Poof poofs up a sports car. Mrs. Crocker sneezes] Oh, I'm allergic to jungle cats. Now I wish I had a doctor. [Poof poofs in Dr. Rip Studwell] Hello, Doctor Gorgeous! I've got a disease and you're the cure.
Studwell: I'm writing you a prescription for "get real, lady". [gives her the prescription and disappears]
Mrs. Crocker: Poof, I'm just gonna have to keep making wishes until I feel better. Now, let's get wishing! [Poof sighs and follows her offscreen]
[Fade to later. Several more objects have appeared in the room]
Poof: [tiredly] Poof poof.
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Poof. I've been making wishes for hours, but I still feel empty inside. [Poof poofs up a ham in her hands] I don't think a glazed ham is gonna help. Anyway, it's 8:00. That's three hours past my bedtime.
Poof: Phew.
Mrs. Crocker: While I'm asleep, I want you to keep granting this list of wishes. [gives him the long list; leaving] Maybe we can find something that'll make me feel better. [he faints]
[Fade to the Turners' house in the morning]
Wanda: That woman is overworking Poof. He's been gone all night!
Timmy: Wanda, I'm sure Poof is fine. [Poof appears. He has stubble]
Poof: Poof poof? [collapses on Timmy's bed]
Timmy: Or not so fine.
Wanda: Oh, my baby! Oh, when I get my hands on Mrs. Crocker, she's gonna be toast!
Cosmo: Being toast isn't that bad, Wanda. It's having a delicious cheesy center that gets you into trouble. That's what I get for hiding in a husky kid's lunch box. I'm much safer here at home.
Sparky: Mmm. Chocolate toast with a delicious cheesy center.
Cosmo: Gah! [starts flying away from Sparky] I need to find a place to hide where no one will eat me. I've got it! Next to your dad's bowl of tomato soup! [disappears before Sparky can bite him]
Wanda: Timmy, I'm never letting Poof go over to Mrs. Crocker's house again!
Jorgen: [appears on the bed] Good news! Poof will be going over to Mrs. Crocker's house again!
Wanda: What?!
Poof: Poof poof?
Jorgen: Poof has done a great job! Well, other than the complaint from Academy Award–winning actor Denzel Washington. [poofs to the floor] Anyway, the Fairy Council has decided to assign him to Mrs. Crocker permanently! It is time to go back to fairy godparenting! [snaps his fingers. Poof disappears]
Wanda: [screams] Jorgen, you can't be serious! That woman is running Poof ragged!
Timmy: Come on! There's gotta be some way to get Poof outta this!
Jorgen: No, there is not. Unless, of course, Mrs. Crocker breaks Da Rules. Anyway, there is nothing I can do. Poof will never come home again. [Wanda and Timmy look at each other with worry] Now, if you will excuse me, I have to write a letter of apology to Denzel Washington's agent.
Wanda: This is terrible, Timmy! I'll never see my baby again!
[Fade to black]
Act 2[]
[Fade in on the Turners' house at night]
Wanda: This is terrible, Timmy! We've gotta figure out some way to get Poof away from Mrs. Crocker and bring him back home.
Timmy: Don't worry, Wanda. I've got a plan. We're gonna get Mrs. Crocker to break Da Rules. And when it comes to breaking rules, I'm an expert!
Wanda: Oh, I love to break rules! Don't tell anyone, but I once parked in a loading zone with nothing to load.
Timmy: [flatly] Wow. Wanda, that's not exactly wha—
Wanda: And one time I left a 14 percent tip at a restaurant. But I felt so guilty, I broke into the waiter's house and left him an extra six percent... which, I'll point out, is also breaking the rules.
Timmy: Well, technically it's breaking and entering.
Wanda: Of course, I did leave the waiter twenty bucks to fix the window I broke. I also did his dishes. But I did not dry them! And that was right after I snuck my own popcorn into a movie theater.
Timmy: Okay, Wanda, I get it. You're a rebel. Listen. One of Da Rules is you can't cheat. Mrs. Crocker plays bingo every day. If we can get her to use magic to win, she'll lose Poof. Now here's the plan. [whispers]
[Fade to the school. Mrs. Crocker and Poof, her purse, are at a bingo game in the gymnasium]
Mrs. Crocker: Poof, it's great having you at bingo with me. With you here, I can wish for anything I need. Like a yummy liverwurst sandwich.
Poof: [tiredly] Poof poof. [poofs up a liverwurst sandwich]
Mrs. Crocker: And cut the crust off. [Poof makes the crust of one slice disappear] Just on three sides. [Poof re-adds the right side of the crust] No, that's not the side I like with crust! [Poof turns the sandwich upside down] Oh, that's perfect! [takes a bite out of the sandwich] That's delicious! I'll just save the rest for later. [puts the sandwich in Poof, who becomes nauseous] Now I could use some bunion cream, a donut cushion for my tushy and one of those fancy electric nose trimmers. [Poof poofs bunion cream onto her foot, poofs up a cushion under her and makes a nose trimmer cut her nose hairs] You're a life saver! [some of the hairs fall into Poof and he sneezes out the sandwich]
Timmy: Hey, Poof. [Poof looks at him. He and Wanda are disguised as old women. He winks at Poof]
Mrs. Crocker: Hello, ladies. I've never seen you before. Are you new to bingo?
Wanda: Oh, I've been playin' bingo for about fifty thousand— [Timmy elbows her] I mean, fifty years. Watch the elbow, Bernice. [Mrs. Crocker blinks]
Timmy: So, how long does this bingo thing last? I've got a soccer game this afternoon— [Wanda elbows him] Did I say soccer game? I meant hip replacement surgery.
Mrs. Crocker: Well, you're here on a good day. First prize is new tennis balls for your walker.
Timmy: What? That's a super lame prize. [Mrs. Crocker blinks] I mean, score! I'm an old lady who needs that!
Wanda: If you wanna win, you should do what I do. You know, cheat! That's what I do all the time. I'm a big fat cheater!
Security Guard: You're not cheatin' in here, honey. [picks her up]
Wanda: Watch the rebel get out of this scrape. How about I slip you a quarter and we forget this whole thing?
Old Lady: Gladys dug a tunnel! We're busting out at midnight!
Gladys: He-hey!
Timmy: You might wanna whisper that.
Old Lady: I thought I was! I lost my hearing aid in a rumble in the mess hall.
Jailer: You two are free to go. You were bailed out by a grilled cheese sandwich. [Cosmo enters the cell]
Sparky: [offscreen] Sandwich! [Cosmo screams as Sparky chases him offscreen multiple times]
Cosmo: Watch the crust! [a chomping sound is heard]
[Fade to outside the Crockers' house]
Timmy: Wanda, we need to find a new way to get Mrs. Crocker to break Da Rules. I know. We'll get her to break the biggest rule ever.
Wanda: Get her to leave a 14 percent tip?
Timmy: No... Let's get her to tell someone she has a fairy. And I know just how to do it.
[Fade to inside the house, where a tired Poof is painting Mrs. Crocker's toenails. The doorbell rings and the door opens, revealing Wanda and Timmy wearing suits and sunglasses]
Timmy: Hello, we are government census takers. We're here to find out how many men, women and fairies are living in your house.
Mrs. Crocker: [holding Poof behind her back] One woman and one humped-back man, and that's it. Thank you. [shoves Wanda and Timmy out of the house]
Wanda: Are you sure? It's okay to tell us any secrets you're keeping.
Timmy: You can trust us. We're the government.
Wanda: Come on. Everybody has secrets. For example, my husband's a grilled cheese sandwich.
Mrs. Crocker: Please go away. I have a lot of wishing to do. I mean, hip replacement surgery. [shuts the door]
Timmy: Nice going, Wanda. You were more believable as Bernice.
Wanda: You were Bernice!
Mrs. Crocker: Wake up, Poof. You have a lot of wishes to grant! Here's my new list. [Poof sighs, poofs up a jukebox playing "sensual music", poofs in Jorgen wearing swim trucks and puts him and Mrs. Crocker in a hot tub]
Jorgen: Seriously, old woman. I will poof up a restraining order right now! [disappears]
Timmy: We need another plan, Wanda. Wanda? [gasps. Wanda is about to hit Mrs. Crocker with a frying pan from behind] Wanda!
Wanda: I'm taking her out, Timmy!
Timmy: I am not going back to jail with you! Now get out here! [Wanda sighs and poofs back outside] I've been thinking, Wanda. People get fairy godparents because they're unhappy. All we have to do is find out what's making Mrs. Crocker sad and fix it. Then Poof will be free to go.
Wanda: That's a great idea, Timmy, but how are we ever gonna figure out what makes her unhappy?
Crocker: [enters the house] I'm home, you old bat!
Mrs. Crocker: Denzel, are you hungry? I was just about to make—
Crocker: Yourself scarce? The scarcer, the better! Now, if you need me for anything... don't! [she cries and runs off]
Timmy: [in the hot tub] That's it, Wanda! Mr. Crocker is the source of Mrs. Crocker's unhappiness. He's the reason she got a fairy. If we get rid of him, Poof can come home. [Wanda hides in the hot tub]
Crocker: Timmy Turner?
Timmy: Uh, Mr. Crocker, what brings you here?
Crocker: It's my house!
Timmy: Okay, enough small talk. I was thinking if you hate your mother so much, you should just leave home. I took the liberty of packing a bag for you. [Wanda poofs up a suitcase behind his back and he offers it to Crocker]
Crocker: [taking the suitcase] That's mighty thoughtful of you, Turner. And a little bit creepy. I like it! [Timmy starts pushing him] By the way, what are you doing in my— [Timmy shoves him out the door and shuts it; offscreen] I have to go to the bathroom.
Timmy: Wanda? [she uses her wand]
Crocker: [offscreen] Never mind! A toilet just appeared on the lawn. [Wanda rises from the hot tub and exhales]
Timmy: Alright! Mr. Crocker's gone. Which means Mrs. Crocker's gonna be happy now. [a metal snapping sound is heard]
Mrs. Crocker: Denzel, did you leave a bear trap in my room again? [there is a bear trap attached to her hair]
Timmy: [as Wanda hides] He's not here, Mrs. Crocker. In fact, I don't think he's coming back.
Mrs. Crocker: Timmy Turner?
Timmy: Uh, Mrs. Crocker. What brings you here?
Mrs. Crocker: It's my house!
Timmy: Look, Mr. Crocker asked me to tell you that he's gone forever. Isn't that the best news you've ever heard?
Timmy: I don't understand. I thought Mr. Crocker made you miserable.
Mrs. Crocker: Miserable? He's my son and I love him. I'm just sad because he doesn't love me back.
Crocker: [enters] What are you talking about, Mother?
Timmy: Mr. Crocker, why'd you come back?
Crocker: I needed to wash my hands. And there's no lawn sink. Now, what's all this about me not loving you?
Mrs. Crocker: Well, you don't! At least, you never say you do! [cries]
Crocker: Of course I love you, you deranged lunatic! You're my mommy!
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Denzel! [they hug]
Crocker: Enough, Mother. You're getting denture cream on my shirt.
Mrs. Crocker: You've made me the happiest woman on Earth!
Crocker: Come on! I'll buy you an ice cream. Your treat! And you're paying for gas!
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Denzel! [they leave]
Timmy: Uh... what just happened? [Wanda rises from the tub and exhales]
Jorgen: I will tell you what happened. As creepy and unbelievable as it sounds, she actually wanted to spend time with Mr. Crocker. And now that she is no longer miserable, she doesn't need a fairy. Poof, you can go home.
Poof: Poof poof!
Wanda: Oh, I have my baby back! Let's go find your father so we can go out to dinner and celebrate. [a grilled cheese sandwich appears]
Jorgen: Ooh, a sandwich! [eats it]
Wanda: Jorgen, that was Cosmo!
Cosmo: Nope, Wanda. The sandwich was a decoy. I got tired of people trying to eat me, so I cleverly disguised myself as a delicious dog bone.
Sparky: Ooh! Dog bone!
Cosmo: Oh, no! [flies offscreen as Sparky jumps after him] Watch the crust!
[Fade to the Turners' house]
Timmy: [dribbles Poof] Poof, it's so good to have you back home! [throws him through a basketball hoop]
Poof: Poof poof!
Jorgen: Poof, here is your pay for being a fairy godparent. [holds up a bag of money]
Timmy: Wait a minute. You guys get paid for being godparents?
Wanda: Of course not, Timmy. Spending time with you is all the pay we need. [to Jorgen] I assume my money is being directly wired to my offshore account as usual?
Cosmo: Wait a minute. What about my money?
Wanda: Actually, we have to pay them for you to be a godparent. [beat]
Cosmo: That's fair.
Wanda: Let's celebrate us being back together with a fun night at bingo!
Timmy: They banned us there. Remember, Wanda? They'll never let us back in.
Wanda: I'll sneak us in, Timmy. I'm a rebel, remember?
[Fade to Wanda, Timmy, Cosmo and Poof, disguised as old women, being locked in a jail cell]
Timmy: You had to park in the loading zone, didn't you, Bernice?
Wanda: You're Bernice! Don't worry, guys. Word has it that Gladys is breaking us out tonight. How's that tunnel coming, Gladys?
Gladys: Pretty good. I just gotta pick up my shovel so I can start digging. [she reaches for the shovel and her back breaks] Oh, my back! [falls over]
Cosmo: I got this. [poofs the window bars away] What do you say we blow this taco stand? Ooh, speaking of which, Poof, make me a taco. [Poof turns him into a taco]
Sparky: Taco! [bites down on Cosmo and runs off with him]
Cosmo: [offscreen] Gah! I'm gonna need that piece back!
[Iris out. Crocker and Mrs. Crocker are licking ice cream cones]
Mrs. Crocker: Oh, I love spending time with you, Denzel.
