Fairies Away! Part 1/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents: Fairly Odder episode transcript
"Fairies Away! Part 1"
Episode	12
Airdate	March 31, 2022
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents: Fairly Odder episode "Fairies Away! Part 1", which aired on March 31, 2022.

Script

(Episode opens up to Dimmsdale Middle School at night with Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor” playing. It cuts to Vicky’s office with her looking at a picture of Mr. Crocker)

Vicky: Crocker my love…(Kisses the photo dramatically)…let’s fail some twerps.

(Vicky takes out an “F” stamp from her chest. Then The “F” stamp turns to an “A” stamp.)

Vicky: I’m gonna enjoy this. (Laughs manically as she stamps papers) Oh that felt good. (Chuckles then looks down to see the papers we’re all graded with an “A”) WHAT?! How did my “F” stamp turn into an “A” stamp? Ugh, stupid thing is totally useless now.

(Vicky throws the stamp away which shatters glass offscreen and makes a cat meow)

Vicky: Shut up cat! I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m certain it’s the work of…(Bangs desk)…FAIRIES!!!

(Then the camera moves into a room where there’s a yellow sticky note with “Vivian Turner” and “ROY RASKIN” written in red underneath “TIMMY TURNER” which is written in black.)

(Scene changes to the inside of a Japanese-like video game and the kids are shown fighting against knights.)

Video Game Voice: I say whip it! (Hopper and a knight are shown fighting each other) Whip it good. Sick whip, Hopper.

Hopper: Thanks, video game voice. (Gets tied up by the knight)

Mateo: Hey Roy, why does it feel like we’re literally in this video game?

Roy: Uh…

(Cosmo and Wanda are shown and poof up signs, Cosmo’s sign reads “Magic, that’s how!”, while Wanda’s sign reads “Don’t tell!” then Cosmo flips his sign to have it read “What Wanda said!”)

Roy: It’s called virtual reality. It’s not real reality. This game is not real.

Hopper: (Panting) This game is real.

Roy: Virtually. Don’t worry. I’ll take the next hit, brother.

Hopper: No, the pain makes me feel alive for the first time since Megan dumped me.

Todd: Hopper, you’re better than this!

Hopper: (Shouting) No I’m not! (Prepares to attack the knight)

Video Game Voice: The only way to truly defeat the fire knight is to…kiss her on the hand.

Roy: Whaaaat…

Video Game Voice: That’s right. It’s been a girl all along.

Roy: Uh, kissing is pretty off-brand for “Kung Fu Lazer Doodz”.

Video Game Voice: Oh my god. Just do it Roy!

Roy: Fine. (Walks up to the knight) Take…this?

(Roy grabs the knight’s hand and kisses it, a message at the bottom of the screen then reads, “WINNER” with a bright chime sound playing. The knight then takes off their helmet to reveal themselves to be Zina.)

Roy: Aw, who put Zina in the game?

(Wanda poofs up a sign that reads “It was Viv!” and Cosmo poofs up a sign that reads “Don’t lazer whip us!”)

Roy: Alright, game over. Everyone take off your helmets!

(Everyone takes off their helmets and are teleported back to the Turner’s house)

Dougie: That ending was weak sauce bro.

Zina: Well, I thought it wrapped up quite nicely.

Hopper: (Phone beeps) Hey guys, dad says we gotta come home for supper. It’s baked potato night, and get this: He sprung for chives!

Todd, Mateo, and Dougie: Yeah!

(They all leave chanting “Chives” except for Zina)

Viv: They’re…brothers?

Roy: I know as much as you do, Viv. We’re all watching the same show here.

(Todd, Mateo, Dougie, and Hopper fall into a bush offscreen)

Todd, Mateo, Dougie, and Hopper: Aah! We fell in a bush!

Viv: You know, we should probably look at that bush.

Roy: Yeah yeah yeah, how comes you messed up my game?

Viv: Zina was super sads because she found out “Ratatouille” wasn’t based on a real story.

Roy: Ok, sure Viv. “Ratatouille” is “fiction”.

Viv: It is, and I just wanted to cheer her up. But look at her now!

Zina: (Talking to her hand) Was it all a dream? Or did Roy really lay lips on my hand? (Sniffs her hand) That’s Roy alright. (Singing) I’ma faint now. (Faints)

(Ty and Rachel Turner are shown approaching the house in a bad mood)

Ty: (Angrily) Ty Turner and his beautiful wife, Rachel Raskin, approaching the front door on foot.

(They open the front door and enter the house groaning)

Viv: Are you guys okay?

Rachel: (Screaming in frustration) What about that dramatic entrance would in any way suggest that we're okay?

Ty: We were right on course to set the Dimmsdale record for "Most Dancers Taught in a New Studio Within a Single Week's Time"!

(As Ty and Rachel are talking they throw their clothes onto Zina who is still unconscious)

Rachel: But we crunched the numbers, and according to the dance calculator, (Pulls out a calculator) we're 20 dancers short!

Ty: And according to our dance calendar, (Pulls out a calendar) the week is almost over!

Rachel: So we can’t set the record!

Ty: (Throws away the calendar) Woe is me!

Rachel: No honey, we’re married now. Woe is us!

(Ty and Rachel both sigh emphatically as they both pass out onto the couch)

Viv: (To Cosmo and Wanda who are disguised as kayakers in a poster) I wish my parents had 20 new dance clients, right now!

(Cosmo and Wanda raise their wands; “CLIENTS!” a phone in a bag rings, which wakes Ty and Rachel up, Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: It’s Finnerty!

Ty: The man who both lives and works in the ticket booth?

Viv: What?

Rachel: (Talking on the phone) What is it Finnerty? (Finnerty talks indistinctly through the phone) 20 dancers just showed up at the dance studio needing an emergency dance lesson for a last-minute parade? We’ll be there! (Hangs up the phone)

Ty: Well out with it Rachel! What did Finnerty have to say?

Rachel: That 20 dancers just showed up at the dance studio needing an emergency dance lesson for a last-minute parade!

Ty and Rachel: (Both excitedly dancing) New Dimmsdale record for "Most Dancers Taught in a New Studio Within a Single Week's Time," here we come! (They both walk out of the house)

(Viv sighs happily then goes to sit on the couch)

Roy: What are you happy-sighing about?

Viv: Just feels…pretty darn good to make people feel…pretty darn good.

Roy: Huh?

Viv: My last three wishes were completely selfless.

Roy: You helped Zina and you helped our parents. I don't need a wish calculator to know that's just two.

(Cosmo and Wanda appear with Cosmo wearing a visor and holding a calculator)

Cosmo: I do. (Types on his calculator) One plus one equals two. Wait, that can’t be right.

Wanda: (As Cosmo continues typing on his calculator) Viv also wished to change Vicky's "F" grading stamp to an "A" grading stamp.

Viv: That way everyone else in the class got A's.

Roy: (Feigning laughing) Oh Viv. You're doing this all wrong. We're two kids with magical fairies.

Cosmo: Two magical fairies, by my calculations…Wait, that can't be right.

Roy: Making wishes to help others just ends up biting you in the bootio. Casey Point, one time I wished that Hopper could speak French to impress Megan. (Sucks teeth) Turns out Megan's an architecture snob and hates the Eiffel Tower. Dumped him, right then and there. It was then I realized, wishes are best spent on yourself.

Viv: Well, wishing to help others is noble.

Roy: Actually, it’s dumb-ble. Casey point.

Viv: Okay, you keep saying that, and it’s “case in”—

Roy: I’m hungry for a sandwich, but then I think about walking into the kitchen and I’m all like, “Check, please!” So I wish I was in the kitchen.

Cosmo: (Raises his wand while covered in paper) Aye-aye!

(“LAZY” Roy is poofed to the kitchen offscreen. Crashing noises can be heard as well as a cat screeching)

Roy: (Heard) Worth it!

Zina: (Wakes up gasping; Cosmo and Wanda poof away)

Viv: Zina!

Zina: My Zina senses woke me up from my fainted state. Is my hangry boy in need of a lil’ snack?

(Glass is heard shattering)

Roy: (Heard) Why is making PB and J so hard?!

Zina: (To Viv) You got Roy to kiss my hand today. You’re like my very own Allen DeCharitable.

Viv: What the what what?

Zina: (Takes out her phone) Watch. (Pulls up a video of Allen DeCharitable holding a cat on her phone)

Allen DeCharitable: To celebrate my kitty cat’s mitzvah, everyone gets a cat! You get a cat. Oh, and you get a cat. They're a lot of responsibility, but you'll grow from it. Yay! I'm Allen.

Zina: Every episode, sads people come on and he gives them prezzies. He’s Allen.

Roy: (Heard) How is it possible that all I have so far is two pieces of bread?!

Zina: I’m gonna go help my fiancé. Thanks again, little love. (Pats Viv on the cheek twice before leaving)

Viv: Cosmo? Wanda?

(Cosmo and Wanda poof up)

Cosmo: Lemme guess, you wish you had your own talk show just like Allen?

Viv: No, I wish that…wait, yeah. How’d you know?

Cosmo: Your wishes are supes predictable.

Wanda: (Laughs) Unlike Roy's. One time, he was struggling in math, so he wished to own the Miami Dolphins. (Cosmo poofs up a stuffed dolphin and it jumps to his other hand)

Cosmo: (As he poofs up more dolphins and begins juggling them) Casey point.

Viv: Whatever, I love making people happy and proving Roy wrong.

Cosmo: Sounds like this talk show could do both of those things with absolutely no unintended consequences. (Poofs up a puddle for the stuffed dolphins to jump into)

Viv: Exactly. Now, I wish I had my very own talk show.

Wanda: (Raises her wand) Done.

(“TALK SHOW”; a “Viv Gives!” logo is then shown and it zooms out to show a talk show with Zina playing a synthesizer guitar)

Announcer: It’s “Viv Gives!”

Zina: ♪ It's "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

Announcer: And now, your host, Viv!

(Viv walks onto the talk show stage as the audience cheers for her, Wanda disguised as a fish gives Viv 2 thumbs up)

Viv: Uh, who’s ready for me to give them stuff?

(Audience cheers)

Announcer: Well, don't just stand there, Viv. Dance! (Viv then dances)

Zina: ♪ It's "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

(Audience cheers)

(It’s revealed that Vicky was watching it on her tablet on the floor while eating instant cake)

Vicky: How did Timmy Turner’s 13-year-old cousin get a talk show green lit so quickly? Normally, the development process takes months, if not years? (Gets up off the floor) No numbers from audience testing? No strategic leaks on Dimmline? She’s either got an Aunt in the business or she must have had help from her…FAIRIES! (Stabs her fork onto a photo of Cosmo and Wanda)

(The Magic Meter is shown at low powered at “Sad Times” the camera then moves back to Vicky)

Vicky: What?

(The intro then plays)

(Cut back to the talk show stage of Viv Gives)

Zina: ♪ It's "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

♪ "Viv Gives" ♪

(Audience cheers as Viv walks back onto the stage and Zina continues to play a dramatic guitar riff until Viv stops her)

Viv: Okay DJ Zina that’s enough!

Zina: Darn right it’s good.

(Wanda disguised as a fish facepalms while groaning)

Viv: Okay, uh, let’s welcome our first guest. Put your hands together for the richest but loneliest boy in Dimmsdale, Nate Buxaplenty.

(Audience applauses as Nate walks onto stage holding some dollar bills)

Nate: Ahoy, ahoy, Viv. You’re looking famous but approachable.

Viv: Thank you, Nate.

(They both sit down)

Nate: Allow me to cut to the chase. Daddy bought me a poetry degree at Yale. But at friendships, well...I don't succeed.

Viv: I’d be happy to help you make a friend.

Nate: Have you gone goose-eyed, madam? What I seek is a gorgeous Arabian horse so that I may look down upon all who refuse to be my friend. (Zina rolls her eyes at Nate)

Viv: You sure you don't want me to just help you make a friend?

Nate: To quote my future horse, “Neigh”.

Viv: Well, I wish for you to have that horse.

(Nate looks at Viv weird as Viv gets up from her chair)

Viv: (To Zina) Vamp for me, DJ Zina. (Walks off)

Zina: (Vampire voice) I’ll be vith pleasure. (Chuckles darkly)

(After Viv leaves the stage, Zina plays a techno remix of “William Tell Overture” on her synthesizer guitar. Then Wanda raises her wand and poofs up something behind the door Viv walks out through. A crew member then opens the door and Viv walks back onto the stage with a black Arabian horse as the audience cheers. Nate notices the horse and walks over to it.)

Nate: (To the horse) Ahoy, ahoy, my noble steed. Why, you’re looking healthy…as a horse. (The horse neighs) That’s right old girl. I’m very funny.

Viv: (Looks at the camera) What can I say? This is why I do what I do. (It then zooms out to reveal it’s being watched on a TV by Roy) Well, we'll be right back with more "Viv Gives," where your wish is my command.

Roy: (Turns off the TV and throws the remote down onto the couch) Man, I’m ticked.

Cosmo: (Disguised as a tick on Roy’s jacket) I’m a tick too. Hey, you wanna make something itch? (Gets picked up by Roy’s finger)

Roy: Hey, you wanna make something itch? Oh, I got an itch all right. An itch to prove Viv wrong. Her selflessness is gonna bite her in the butt.

Cosmo: Ooh, ooh! Like a tick!

Roy: Yes! And now, I'm gonna make a totally selfish wish because when you do that, the worst thing that could happen is that you get whatcha want.

Cosmo: Cool contrasting point of view.

Roy: Yeah, it is. I wish that today was Roy Day, a day dedicated to me, myself, and Irene, which is my middle name. (Cosmo laughs) And I wish that the Roy Day festivities would commence…right now!

(Cosmo raises his wand with it pointing at Roy. “ROY DAY!!1!” There is now a bunch of people in the house with Roy and Todd, Mateo, Dougie, and Hopper are shown chanting Roy 6 times.)

Roy: Merry Roy Day to you, my boys.

(Rachel is shown clinking a glass as she walks over to Roy)

Ty: Ooh, honey, are you sure you wanna do that? Your toasts tend to be a little--

Rachel: (To Roy) Roy Irene Raskin. When I gave birth to you, it was…disgusting.

Roy: Mom, please don’t…(Everyone but Roy and Rachel grown in disgust)

Rachel: We open on a barn.

(It then cuts back to “Viv Gives”)

Viv: Well, my next guest is a five-year-old wunderkind whose failing pizza shop--

(Judy Stoneface rushes onto the stage through the door)

Judy: Breaking news! I’m your next guest.

Viv: Judy Stoneface?

Judy: (Fourth-wall breaking) Of the “No Nonsense News”, yes. I told that five-year-old pizza girl to cheese off because there is something I want.

Viv: Okay? (They both sit down on the chairs)

Judy: I'm a woman of few joys: grape juice, skipping ads, and Bundt cake. That was the entire list, until I immersed myself in the musical stylings of one…Dustan Lumberlake.

Viv: Oh, well, would you--

Judy: I would like Dustan Lumberlake to sing a song about me. To me.

Viv: Well, I wish that would happen to you too. (Wanda still disguised as a fish raises her wand and something is poofed up behind the door) Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing a song about Judy, to Judy, Dustan Lumberlake.

Judy: Huh what? (Dustin Lumberlake walks through the door with a stand-up microphone) Oh my god!

Dustin Lumberlake: (To Zina) Hit it, Zina!

(Zina plays upbeat music on her synthesizer guitar as Dustin Lumberlake starts dancing)

Dustin Lumberlake: ♪ Grape juice, skipping ads, and Bundt cake ♪

♪ The music of Dustan Lumberlake ♪

♪ That's what the Judy, that's what the Judy ♪

♪ That's what the Judy wants ♪

Judy: ♪ Yes. ♪

Dustin Lumberlake: ♪ Yeah! ♪

Judy: ♪ It is. ♪

Dustin Lumberlake: ♪ That's what the Judy wants ♪

Judy: ♪ Yes. ♪

Dustin Lumberlake: ♪ Yeah! ♪

Judy: ♪ That is precisely what the Judy wants. ♪

(Instrumental music plays as Zina, Viv, Judy, and Dustin Lumberlake all dance to it. It then cuts to Vicky watching it on her tablet on the floor and then pausing it.)

Vicky: How did she get Dustan Lumberlake to immediately appear on her show? He's supposed to be playing Madison's Care Gardens. Madison would never let him cancel. She cares far too much about her gardens.

(The Magic Meter then makes a buzzing noise and then rises to “OH YEAH DAT MAGIC”. Vicky gasps and then immediately gets out her phone and dials the Dimmsdale Psychiatric Hospital.)

Male Phone Operator: (Heard on the phone) Dimmsdale Psychiatric Hospital. How can I--

(Muffled screams and indistinct yelling can be heard on the phone)

Female Phone Operator: (Heard on the phone) Stop it! (Strangled crying is heard on the phone) Sorry, that patient is under a delusion they're an operator. How may I connect your call?

Vicky: Denzel Crocker.

Mr. Crocker: (Heard on the phone) Crocker here.

Vicky: Darling, the magic meter has reached the "Oh, Yeah, Dat Magic" zone. That means it's time to put “Operation Crocker” into effect and get those fairies.

Mr. Crocker: (Heard on the phone) Marvelous! Do you still have that box of hair I left?

Vicky: Of course. I smell it daily.

Mr. Crocker: (Heard on the phone) Gross. Now grab a healthy clump and feed it into the DNA reader.

Vicky: (Gets up off the floor and walks over to the DNA reader) Okay. So I was looking into condos in Rancho Cucamonga the other day (Opens the DNA reader and puts her hand into it before taking it back out and closing the DNA reader) and it really seems like it's a buyer's market right now. And if we wanna get on something, we probably should do that soon. (The DNA reader then beeps) I was just thinking, you know, that it-- (The wall then opens up to show a butterfly net and Vicky gasps) What is this?

Mr. Crocker: (Heard on the phone) I’ll explain in great detail.

Vicky: (Takes out the net) Wait, before you do, did you get the box I sent you with my hair?

Mr. Crocker: (Heard on the phone) Yes, and it was gross and opened no secret passageways.

(Vicky shrugs in disappointment; cut back to the Turner Residence with Rachel still talking and everyone looking disappointed at her.)

Rachel: Needless to say, they had to burn the barn. There was too much history in there. But I’ll never forget what happened that day. And now, neither will any of you. (One girl gags) So, Happy Roy Day!

(Everybody else but Roy and Ty begin to retch.)

Ty: The horror.

Rachel: Why are the children vomiting Ty?

Ty: …Because your story was incredibly graphic, my love.

Rachel: You really mean that?

Ty: Yeah…I think I'm gonna puke.

Rachel: Oh, Ty.

(Rachel grabs Ty’s hand and they walk off and Ty moans; then cut to Roy)

Roy: Cosmo, (Cosmo poofs up) I need to spruce this party up ASAP.

Cosmo: Ooh, whatcha thinking?

Roy: I wish that Dustan Lumberlake were here at this party performing a song just for moi.

Cosmo: Who's Moi? (Points to someone dancing) That guy in the shirt?

Roy: No, I mean me.

Cosmo: Oh, chill, chill, chill, chill.

(Meanwhile back at the Viv Gives stage)

Dustin Lumberlake: ♪ Her face is made of stone ♪

♪ But her lips are made of-- ♪

(Dustin Lumberlake is poofed away)

Judy: (Shrieking) What?! My lips are made of what?! (To Viv) How did he disappear like that?!

Viv: Uh, it’s the magic of TV.

(Judy and the audience boo)

Viv: Hey, hey, I'm sure he'll be right back after this commercial break.

Judy: Commercials I can't skip? Nonsense. (To the audience) Boo! Boo! Boo!

Viv: (To Wanda disguised as a fish) What is going on?

Wanda: (Poofs up a “LEDGER” book and reading glasses) Roy wished for Dustan Lumberlake to perform at his Roy Day party.

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