Wanda: Cosmo! [Cosmo gets hit in the face with Poof] You got a letter!
Cosmo: Ooh! Which one? R? Z? 33? Open it! Open it!
Wanda: [looking at the letter] Oh, no! Uh... I mean, uh... congratulations! Uh, you won a thousand million dollars! [crumpling up and tossing away the letter] Okay, who wants pie? [poofs up a pie]
Cosmo: Ah! [the letter bounces off Timmy's head]
Timmy: [reading the letter] "Dear Cosmo, I'm coming to visit because I need your help. Signed, Schnozmo. Who's Schnozmo?
Cosmo: Only the coolest, neatest, most awesome guy in the whole world! And my brother!
Timmy: You have a brother? How come I've never met him?
Cosmo: Because Schnozmo's always super busy! He invented Canada... found a cure for spaghetti... and saved the Walla Walla monkeys from extinction. And he's also a sensitive artist! [Wanda poofs up metal bars over the door and window]
Wanda: [to Timmy] More like a "con" artist! I could never tell Cosmo this, but I don't trust Schnozmo. Luckily, I hide my feelings rather well! [makes barbed wire appear around the room] Okay, everyone! Time to play a game called Hide Under the Bed Until Schnozmo Leaves! [poofs everyone under Timmy's bed]
Schnozmo: [appears under the bed] Two words: Schnozmo has arrived. [Wanda sighs and poofs everyone out]
Cosmo: Yay! [hugging Schnozmo tightly] My big brother's here!
Schnozmo: Hey, hey, easy, easy. Watch the tux. Boy, it's great to see you, Cosmo. Almost as great as you getting to see me. Hello, Wanda. Heh heh. Two words: Eat less and exercise.
Wanda: Welcome, Schnozmo. Please step over here to the security checkpoint. [Schnozmo goes through a walk-through metal detector, which beeps once he does. Wanda uses a metal detector wand on him, X-rays him, and makes him stamp his fingerprints]
Schnozmo: Fingerprints, scanners, and an X-ray machine. Wanda, you're beautiful when you don't trust me.
Wanda: Then I must be really gorgeous. Now give me back my earrings!
Schnozmo: [chuckles and takes her earrings out of his suit] How'd those get in there? [he gives her the earrings, then notices Poof chewing on his arm] Who's this little charmer?
Cosmo: That's your nephew, Poof! [Schnozmo shakes off Poof, who goes flying into Cosmo]
Timmy: Hi, Uncle Schnozmo. I'm...
Schnozmo: [grabs Timmy's lips and stutters] No, don't tell me. You're Cosmo and Wanda's godchild, Lorenzo.
Timmy: Timmy.
Schnozmo: That's what I said. Hello?
Cosmo: Schnozmo, you said you needed my help?
Schnozmo: Is there someplace safe we can talk? Wait. I know. [poofs the two of them away. Cut to him taking a sandwich out of the refrigerator] The truth is, I'm not just handsome, mild-mannered Schnozmo anymore! [eats a piece of the sandwich] You're now looking at super handsome secret agent Double-Oh Schnozmo!
Wanda: [reading the badge Schnozmo is holding up] F.A.I.R.I.E.: the Fairy Alliance of International Reconnaissance, Intelligence, and Espionage.
Schnozmo: Cosmo, I'm going to ask you a very important question. Do... you... love... Fairy World?
Cosmo: Yes! Is that the right answer?
Schnozmo: It sure is! Now hand over your wand. [Cosmo raises his wand]
Wanda: Hold on! What are you up to, Schnozmo?
Schnozmo: Two words, Wanda: You need to lighten up. Now, have you ever heard of the evil fiend known as Dr. Maybe?
Wanda: No.
Timmy: No.
Cosmo: Maybe.
Schnozmo: Well, the villain stole my magic wand, and I must get it back before... he destroys all of Fairy World. [cut to everyone reappearing in Timmy's room]
Cosmo: Wow! So you're an honest-to-goodness secret agent?
Wanda: [laughs] Oh, Schnozmo, this is your most ridiculous story yet! There's no way Cosmo's giving you his wand! [ninjas break into the room]
Ninja #1: Schnozmo, you must pay!
Wanda: Cosmo, give him your wand! [Cosmo tosses his wand to Schnozmo, who uses it to zap the ninjas away]
Timmy: That was awesome!
Schnozmo: All in a day's work, Fernando.
Timmy: It's Timmy.
Schnozmo: That's what I said. Hello? Now I must go and defeat Dr. Maybe. [strips to a gold suit] Cosmo, I'll need to keep your wand and this jar of pickles and Horatio's TV.
Timmy: Can we come watch you in action?
Schnozmo: Oh, I'm a... I'm afraid it's too dangerous. Stay alert. [to Cosmo] Cook me a ham. I will return. Goodbye. Farewell! [poofs away]
Cosmo: Wow. My brother's the best. I'm gonna make him the greatest ham the world has ever seen! [disappears]
Wanda: I guess I underestimated Schnozmo. He really is a super spy! [two ninjas enter the room]
Ninja #2: Schnozmo must pay! [Wanda screams. The ninjas unmask themselves] Seriously. $14.75. He ran off without paying... again.
Timmy: [reading from the receipt in the ninja's hand] The Hungry Ninja Japanese Restaurant?
Wanda: I knew it! Schnozmo's not a super spy! He's just super cheap! [beat] And my earrings are gone again! Come on! We've got a con to catch! [poofs Timmy, Cosmo, Poof, and herself to a tropical island] Okay, I tracked your freeloading brother to this island.
Cosmo: Silly Wanda! I'm sure all this confusion is a part of Schnozmo's top secret spy plan!
Schnozmo: [offscreen] Stay back, Dr. Maybe! [the other four look through tall grass and sees him] Is what I would say if Dr. Maybe was real and I was really a spy instead of just a clever fairy who's using his idiot brother's wand to have the greatest vacation ever! [his watch beeps] Ooh! Time for a snide cackle. Ha! Ha ha ha-ha ha-ha ha!
Cosmo: I don't understand. Schnozmo lied? And after I made him this beautiful ham? I believed in Schnozmo. He must think I'm the biggest fool in the world! [looks at the ham and throws it away, then leaves crying. The ham hits something offscreen]
Schnozmo: [offscreen] Hey, it's raining ham! What a great island!
Wanda: Okay, that does it! [poofs Timmy, Poof, and herself to Schnozmo as he drinks from a coconut]
Schnozmo: [does a spit take] Two words: How did you morons find me?
Wanda: My earrings have a tracking device in them.
Schnozmo: Curses! I mean... shh! [gives Wanda the earrings] Dr. Maybe lies in wait.
Timmy: The only one lying around here is you, Schnozmo. And now you've broken Cosmo's heart.
Schnozmo: What? He's my brother. I would never wanna hurt him.
Wanda: Well, you did. And now you're gonna fix it. Find Cosmo and tell him Dr. Maybe is real. [a screenplay appears in Schnozmo's hands]
Schnozmo: [reading] "The Evil Dr. Maybe: a play in one act by Wanda"?
Wanda: You're going to learn these lines and pretend to be the brave spy your brother thinks you are.
Schnozmo: Two words: not a chance. [Wanda zaps him] Two more words: That really smarts. See you on the set. [leaves. Fade to Cosmo sitting on a tree branch. Schnozmo shows up]
Cosmo: What do you want? You've already taken my trust. And my ham.
Schnozmo: [reading stiltedly] "Cosmo, you have to help me. I was pretending to be a liar to throw off Dr. Maybe. But he 's on to me now."
Cosmo: Yay! I knew you were lying when you said you were lying!
Schnozmo: "I promise I will never... [checks the script] lie to you again. Now let's defeat Dr. Maybe!" [fade to a volcano inside which Cosmo and Schnozmo appear. They look off the suspended platform they are on and see alligators. They back away, then scream upon seeing buzz saws below them]
Cosmo: The evil volcanic lair of the dreaded Dr. Maybe! Neat! Is he here? [a chair swivels around, revealing a mustachioed Timmy and Poof as a cat in his lap]
Timmy: Maybe...
Poof: Poof poof! Meow! Poof!
Schnozmo: Two words: You've got to be kidding. [Wanda zaps him from behind a wall; checking the script] I-I-I mean... "We meet again, Dr. Maybe!"
Timmy: Double-Oh Schnozmo, I have been expecting you. I am sure you remember my assistant, Curlfinger. [Wanda reveals herself. She is wearing tight black clothes and has a hair bun]
Schnozmo: [reading] "I've come for my wand, Dr. Maybe. I bet I will find it If I dive into this pit of angry alligators." Wait. What? [Wanda presses a button that makes the ground Schnozmo is on slope, which makes him fall off the platform. The alligators attack him offscreen]
Cosmo: Wow! You sure are brave, Schnozmo! [Schnozmo gets back on the platform]
Schnozmo: [reading] "Dr. Maybe, you must have hidden my wand at the end of your fiendish buzz saw garden." Oh, come on! [a mechanical boot kicks him into the buzz saws]
Cosmo: Way to show those buzz saws who's boss, brother!
Timmy: Double-Oh Schnozmo, ze vand is definitely not hidden behind zis vall. If I were you, I vouldn't press this button.
Schnozmo: At this point, only an idiot would press that button.
Cosmo: On it! [presses the button. The metal doors on the wall open and a big robotic octopus comes out]
Schnozmo: Two words: This script is garbage, and I quit. [the robot grabs him, swings him around, and throws him at a wall. It grabs Poof and starts climbing out of the volcano]
Wanda: Poof! This isn't in the script! Dr. Maybe, make the octobot stop!
Timmy: I can't! Ze controls are jammed!
Wanda: I'll stop it! [she takes the wands out of her hair bun and the robot takes them] Our wands! [the robot grabs her and Timmy, and they scream]
Cosmo: Don't worry, evil guys! Double-Oh Schnozmo will save us! Once he gets back from wherever he's running away to! He's a hero, not a horrible, rotten, inconsiderate, selfish liar! [Schnozmo makes an annoyed face]
Schnozmo: Fear not, Cosmo! Double-Oh Schnozmo to the rescue! [flies onto the robot] Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha! [flies away. The robot hits itself where he was standing. He lands on one of its tentacles] Ha ha ha-ha ha-ha ha! [blows a raspberry. The robot fires lasers at him. He dodges them and one of them severs the tentacle. Schnozmo falls on a suspended metal globe. The robot fires a laser at him, and he runs on the globe, which deflects the laser into the robot's head. The robot falls off a ledge and Schnozmo grabs Cosmo and Poof. The robot's landing knocks the three of them off the globe, and they scream. Cosmo pulls on his tie and his underwear opens like a parachute]
Cosmo: I picked a good day to start wearing underpants!
Timmy: Dr. Maybe... surrenders.
Cosmo: That was amazing, Schnozmo! I can't wait to tell Wanda and Timmy all about how wonderful you are!
Wanda: I think they already know.
Schnozmo: Thank you... Curlfinger. But if you're gonna wear that leotard, two words: don't.
Cosmo: Dr. Maybe, you stole my brother's wand. Can you please give it back?
Jorgen: [offscreen] Dr. Maybe can't... [appears as a ninja] but I can! [he lands in front of the others and they scream. He unmasks himself. Schnozmo shouts] Schnozmo, I took your wand away because you repeatedly dined and dashed at the Hungry Ninja Restaurant, a delightfully themed and moderately priced eating establishment of which I am part owner, but because of your bravery today, I now return it to you.
Schnozmo: [takes the wand] Thank you, Jorgen.
Jorgen: Just eat somewhere else from now on, huh?
Timmy: [taking off his mustache] Nice job, Jennifer.
Schnozmo: It's Schnozmo.
Timmy: That's what I said. Hello?
Cosmo: Jorgen? Wanda? Lorenzo? Okay, I'm really confused. But since that's how I normally am, it just feels right!
Wanda: Come on, Cosmo! Let's take your brother to dinner so he can tell us more about being a super spy!
Schnozmo: Oh, I know a great restaurant. Dinner's on me! [poofs everyone but Jorgen away]
Jorgen: Hey! Where is my wallet? And my earrings? Schnozmo![iris out on him]
Schnozmo: Ha! Ha ha ha-ha ha-ha ha! [the end title card is shown. Fade to black]
