Dimmsdale Tales/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Dimmsdale Tales"
Season	9
Episode	148
Airdate	July 18, 2014
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Dimmsdale Tales" from Season 9, which aired on July 18, 2014.

Script

Act 1

[Fade in on a forest at sunset]

• Mr. Turner: Attention, Squirrely Scouts, welcome to our annual camping trip! Now start camping! [blows a conch shell] I blew into the shell. Why aren't you camping?
• Timmy: 'Cause you forgot the food. And all the camping equipment. All you brought was your weird shell. You're not even wearing your Squirrely Scout uniform!
• Mr. Turner: Oh, but I am, Timmy. Mainly because the zipper broke last year and I haven't been able to get it off. [strips to his uniform and puts on his Flying Squirrel hat]
• Sparky: [sees Mr. Turner] Big squirrel with a stupid shell! Bark bark bark bark bark! [attacks Mr. Turner. Cosmo and Wanda are on a tree branch as squirrels]
• Wanda: Sparky, no! That's Timmy's dad!
• Sparky: More squirrels! I love camping! Bark bark bark bark bark! [jumps toward the fairies, who scream and run away]
• Whiny Kid: It's dark, and I'm sad and cold.
• Timmy: I'd say "Let's set up a campfire", except my dad also forgot the firewood.
• Mr. Turner: Firewood's old-fashioned, Mr. Caveman. I brought something more hip and now! Everyone gather round and warm your hands by the laptop. [puts a laptop showing a video of a campfire on a pile of coals. He and the scouts sit around it. The video buffers]
• Whiny Kid: I'm still cold. It's not working.
• Mr. Turner: That's because it's buffering, you whiny city slicker.
• Timmy: Okay, well, until my dad's fire gets going, why don't we pass the time by telling scary stories?
• Mr. Turner: Ooh! I have a terrifying tale. This is the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
• Timmy: That's not a scary story. That's a copyrighted TV show theme song.
• Mr. Turner: Oh, but it is scary. Four girls in one house? Imagine the water bill!
• Timmy: Uh, yeah. Why don't I just take it from here? [holding the laptop] This would be spookier if I had a flashlight, but I'll make it work. Wanda, how about setting the mood? [she makes the full moon rise and Sparky howls at it on a cliff] Okay, get ready to have the pants scared off you.
• Mr. Turner: I would love to get the pants scared off me. This Squirrely Scout uniform has been chafing for months!
• Timmy: Stop talking! [clears his throat] Okay. It was a dark and stormy night.

[Ripple transition to what looks like the Turners' house on such a night. The TV shows a video game in which Sparky and a human Cosmo throw objects at a banshee resembling Wanda]

Timmy: [narrating] A regular guy and his talking dog were playing a scary video game where you fight a shrieking banshee with ordinary household items.

Cosmo: Take that, banshee! Blender to the shins! Ironing board to the solar plexus! [he and Sparky throw objects at the banshee, who screams like Wanda, and a butterfly net traps her. "You win!" appears on the TV] We did it! We defeated the stupid banshee!

Sparky: And we'll never hear that horrible scream again! [a human Wanda shows up]

Wanda: Cosmo... [Cosmo and Sparky scream] I'm going to the store. Did you two scare yourselves playing that game?

Cosmo: Nothing scares me, Wanda. [beat] Gah! A gray version of me on the wall!

Wanda: That's your shadow, Cosmo.

Cosmo: I knew that. [looks behind himself] Ahh! There's a gray version of you on the wall too, Sparky!

Wanda: [rolls her eyes and goes outside] Oops. Forgot my umbrella. [slips on a puddle] Whoa! [Cosmo and Sparky scream]

Sparky: That sounded like the banshee! [the TV is showing static]

Cosmo: But the game's not on. [outside the window behind him, Wanda is struck by lightning and screams]

Cosmo and Sparky: Ah! The banshee is back! [Cosmo picks up the video game case, which has a picture of the banshee]

Cosmo: Don't hurt me. Take gray me instead. [lightning strikes and the TV turns off] Oh, no! It took gray me! [he and Sparky scream. The doorbell rings and Cosmo and Sparky look in the peephole and see Wanda, who now looks almost like the banshee]

Wanda: [wails] Cosmo, Sparky, let me in!

Cosmo: Gah! The banshee knows our names. It's only a matter of time before she finds out our Social Security numbers and steals our identities!

Sparky: She's out for revenge because we beat her in the video game.

Cosmo: That makes total sense. Once we beat her, she turned real and went outside.

Wanda: Cosmo, Sparky, it's me! [slips and falls] Whoa!

Sparky: Leave us alone, banshee!

Cosmo: The only way to stop her is to defeat her just like we did in the video game.

Sparky: Right. We just need to get ordinary household items. But where are we gonna find household items in a house?

Cosmo: [runs off and comes back] I don't know, but I did find some white paint, onion juice, and a weedwacker that won't turn off. [Sparky opens the door slightly and Cosmo throws the things at Wanda, who falls offscreen and screams. Her body is now white]

Wanda: I've got onion juice in my eyes! What are you lunatics doing?! If I get my hands on you, you'll be sorry! [looks at a window on the second floor and starts climbing up a drain pipe]

Cosmo: Sparky, the banshee's trying to get in through an upstairs window. Quick, let's set a trap!

Sparky: I'll buy us some time by hitting her in the butt with this handful of bees. It'll be a relief to get 'em outta my hand. [opens a window and throws the bees, which sting Wanda in the buttocks. She screams, then climbs onto the upstairs window. Upstairs, Cosmo pours marbles on the floor] She's coming! Hide! [he and Cosmo hide behind a nightstand. Wanda slips on the marbles and steps on a rake, which hits her in the face. A boot kicks her onto a skateboard and she screams as she rides off a ramp in the hallway]

Cosmo: [shudders] She's even more hideous in real life than in the game. [Wanda rides down the stairs and bounces off a trampoline and into a spinning fan. She flies onto a chair that rolls up to a birthday cake]

Wanda: [reading the message on the cake] "Happy birthday! Make a wish"? [moans] I wish this was over. [blows out the candles on the cake, spinning a pinwheel that moves a rope that makes a net catch her]

Sparky: Yay!

Cosmo: We did it! We caught the banshee!

Sparky: Wanda would be so proud!

Wanda: Wanda's not proud!

Sparky: How would you know, stupid banshee? Why don't we call her and find out?

Cosmo: Good idea, Sparky. Can I borrow your cell phone? I'm using mine to download a zombie game. [taking Sparky's phone and making a call] I make it a point to never learn from my mistakes. [Wanda's phone rings from inside her coat]

Sparky: Oh, no. The call is coming from inside the banshee!

Cosmo: That can only mean... the banshee ate Wanda!

Wanda: There is no banshee! I'm Wanda, you nincompoops! [breaks out of the net]

Cosmo: That's exactly what the banshee would say. Run, Sparky! But not too far. I need to be in Wi-Fi range to download the rest of my zombie game. [he and Sparky scream and zip away]

Wanda: Come back, you ninnies. There's no such thing as banshees. [wails and runs, then sees her reflection in a mirror, screams, and runs away] Banshee! [steps on a rake. It hits her face, making all the paint come off, and she falls over unconscious]

Cosmo: I can't believe Wanda slept through the whole banshee attack.

Sparky: Poor lazy Wanda.

Cosmo: Why don't I pour you a nice glass of onion juice and we'll play some more video games?

Sparky: Okay. [they walk off]

[Ripple transition to Timmy]

• Timmy: The end.
• Mr. Turner: That wasn't a scary story. It was terrifying! Why was there onion juice in the house?
• Timmy: Dad, you may have missed the point of the story.
• Whiny Kid: I got bit by a tick, and I miss eating.
• Chester: Me too!
• AJ: I'm starving.
• Whiny Kid: I'm suing.
• Timmy: Don't worry, guys. I'll just use my scout skills to forage for food. I'll be in the woods, should any colorful squirrels feel like helping me! [goes behind a bush. The fairies follow him and a magical ding comes from behind the bush] Good news—I found nuts, berries, and a pizza delivery man.
• Cosmo: [as the delivery man] Hi, everybody. I'm a totally non-magical pizza delivery man.
• Mr. Turner: [looking at a pizza] What? No garlic knots? Who organized this stupid camping trip?
• Timmy: You did! Now do you wanna hear another scary story?
• Squirrely Scouts: Yeah! [Mr. Turner and the scouts take Cosmo's pizzas, leaving a stack of pizza savers in Cosmo's hands. Cosmo leaves]
• Timmy: Okay, this one is about a man named... Turner.
• Mr. Turner: Oh, he sounds handsome.
• Timmy: Trying to tell a story here, Dad.
• Mr. Turner: And I'm trying to establish a rich visual image of the main character in my head.
• Timmy: Stop talking, Dad!

[Ripple transition to a black-and-white scene outside an airport]

Timmy: [narrating] Turner didn't know it, but he was about to take the most terrifying flight of his life.

Mr. Turner: [in the passenger's seat of a car] Ooh, I'm so excited. Mr. Ed Leadly is sending me on my very first business trip. And, even better, I won't be anywhere near my evil neighbor Dinkleberg.

Dinkleberg: [offscreen] I'm gonna miss you, Turner!

Mr. Turner: [sees Dinkleberg in the driver's seat] Gah! Dinkleberg. Why am I in your car?

Dinkleberg: You asked me to postpone my appendix surgery and drive you to the airport.

Mr. Turner: And, like the calculating fiend you are, you agreed. [exits the car]

Dinkleberg: So long! I'd wave, but my life-threatening appendicitis has weakened me. Have a good flight! [coughs]

Mr. Turner: How I fly is none of your business, you nosy bloodsucker! [walks into the airport]

Dinkleberg: I'll pick you up Monday morning!

Mr. Turner: Hmm, there may be traffic. Come Sunday night and sleep in your car.

Dinkleberg: Okay!

[Cut to inside the airport]

Mr. Turner: Mm, let's see, Totally Safe Airlines, Nothing to Fear Airlines... Ooh, there's mine. American Scare-Lines. [looks out a window and sees an airplane the Grim Reaper is loading luggage into. Bats fly away from it and it is electrified by lightning] Well, this is a little creepy. But anything's better than being around Dinkleberg.

Dinkleberg: [plays the Toccata and Fugue in D minor] I thought you might enjoy a little music while you wait.

Mr. Turner: Quit stalking me, you musically gifted monster! [runs off and boards the plane]

[Cut to the plane flying through dark and stormy skies]

Mr. Turner: Boy, there's nothing like flying high in the sky enjoying a tiny bag of peanuts a million miles away from Dinkleberg. [sees a silhouette resembling Dinkleberg on the wing of the plane] Dah! There's a man on the wing of the plane! Can I have your tiny nuts?

Flight Attendant Dinkleberg: [offscreen] Is there a problem, sir?

Mr. Turner: Gah! Dinkleberg. I'm either seeing things, or I'm allergic to tiny nuts. [the flight attendant leaves] Hey! If you're gonna scare me, at least bring me more snacks.

Dinkleberg: [offscreen] If you're hungry, you can have the food I bought at the duty-free shop.

Mr. Turner: Sounds good. I prefer my food duty-free. [sees Dinkleberg] Geh! Two Dinklebergs? Oh, no. I've got double Dinkle-vision. [runs down the aisle and dives into another seat] Get a grip, Turner. There's no way you just saw two Dinklebergs. You're just a little freaked out. Hmm, maybe an in-flight movie will calm you down. [puts on headphones and starts looking through a list of in-flight movies on a screen] Cloudy with a Chance of Dinkleberg... No. How to Train Your Dinkleberg... Boring. Ooh, Titanic! [selects that movie] Nothing like watching a good disaster movie on a plane. [the screen shows Leonardo DiCaprio standing at the front of the Titanic]

Leonardo DiCaprio: I'm king of the world! [the ship hits an iceberg shaped like Dinkleberg's head and starts to sink] Oh, no! The ship's hit a Dinkleberg!

Mr. Turner: Wait a second. All these movies have Dinkleberg in them. Who the heck picked these?

Dinklebergs: We did, Turner!

Mr. Turner: [screams] A plane full of Dinklebergs! I'm also out of tiny nuts again! [screams]

[Fade to black]

Act 2

[Fade in on Mr. Turner at the campout]

• Mr. Turner: Oh, Timmy, please tell me that scary story is over.
• Timmy: Maybe if you had brought marshmallows to roast, we would have something else to do other than tell scary stories.
• Mr. Turner: But I did remember the marshmallows!
• Timmy: You did? Where are they?
• Mr. Turner: Ooh, I ate them all.
• Squirrely Scouts: Aww.
• Whiny Kid: You gave me hope and took it away.
• Mr. Turner: I eat when I'm scared, Timmy. And nothing's scarier than a plane full of Dinklebergs.
• Timmy: Well, if you think the beginning was scary, wait 'til you hear how it ends.
• Mr. Turner: Nooo! I thought there was one more marshmallow in the bag, but there isn't.
• Timmy: Anyway, Turner was trapped on a plane full of Dinklebergs.

[Ripple transition to the plane]

Mr. Turner: [shouts and runs] This can't be happening!

Dinkleberg #1: How's your flight, Turner?

Dinkleberg #2: Take my first class seat, Turner!

Dinkleberg #3: Wanna use my frequent flier miles, Turner? [Mr. Turner screams]

Mother Dinkleberg: If you're scared, you can have my baby's blankie!

Baby Dinkleberg: Goo goo ga ga, Turner!

Mr. Turner: [shouts] A Dinkle-lady holding a Dinkle-baby. I've gotta get off this plane! [enters the cockpit] Captain, we have to make an emergency landing. This plane is possessed by Dinkle-demons!

Pilot Dinkleberg: Don't be silly, Turner. The only thing this plane possesses is an undying commitment to its customers' satisfaction. [Mr. Turner shouts, steps out of the cockpit, and shuts the door]

Mr. Turner: This flight is my second worst nightmare. My worst nightmare is the one where they canceled casual Fridays at work. What am I going to do with all those Hawaiian shirts? The only way to end this nightmare is to take that baby's blankie and jump off this plane! [takes the blanket and a parachute and kicks off the plane's door] Ha ha! That's it! I'm Dinkle-done with this flight!

Dinkleberg: [holding on to Mr. Turner's back] I'm ready to jump when you are, Turner! We're hugging.

Mr. Turner: Geh! This is worse than having too many Hawaiian shirts! [throws Dinkleberg out of the plane]

Dinkleberg: Hi ho!

Mr. Turner: Forget the chute. I'll take my chances by landing on that national landmark! Oh, no! It's Mount Dinklemore! That monster is everywhere! [the Dinklebergs on the plane cackle. Mr. Turner looks at the figure tossing nuts and screws out of the plane's wing] That's it. My only hope of getting off this accursed plane is with the help of that creature who's ripping apart the wing! [jumps up, gets struck by lightning, and lands on the wing] Excuse me, Mr. Creature. I know you're a little busy destroying the landing gear, but can you help me get off this plane? And, on an unrelated note, please don't be Dinkleberg.

Dinkleberg: Of course it's me, Turner! [lightning strikes] I noticed this wing was looking a little shoddy, so I thought I'd put my life at risk to make sure you have the best flight ever.

Mr. Turner: Why, thank you. I mean, nooo! [the plane lands and he falls off the wing, then starts running away from the plane] Thank goodness I escaped with these nut bags! [runs into Mr. Crocker] Oh! Thank goodness you're not Dinkleberg. Whatever you do, don't get on that plane. It was a nightmare at 20,000 Dinkle-feet.

Mr. Crocker: Get away from me, you nut bag! [taking a nut bag] And give me one of those nut bags! [walking toward the plane] What a kook. There's no way I'm skipping out on a relaxing week away from Mother. [a howl is heard and dark clouds gather] Ah, that must be the signal to board. [cackles and runs onto the plane]

[Cut to inside the plane]

Crocker: Excuse me, flight attendant, can I get some more peanuts?

Flight Attendant Mrs. Crocker: Don't eat too many, Denzel. You'll spoil your in-flight dinner.

Crocker: Mother?

Mrs. Crockers: Yes, Denzel?

Crocker: Gah! I don't want my mommy!

[Ripple transition to the campout, where everyone but Timmy is screaming]

• Mr. Turner: [screams] That was even more horrifying than the last story! How could something so terrible happen to someone so handsome? [the laptop screen turns off and everyone but Timmy screams]
• Chester: It's dark.
• Whiny Kid: I'm still suing.
• Timmy: Guys, relax. The fire just went to sleep. [turns the screen back on]
• Mr. Turner: You're so good with the outdoors, Timmy. It's a shame the camping trip is over. Oh, well. Time to go home and not listen to any more scary stories.
• Timmy: Actually, Dad, it's only been 18 minutes since we got here. Plus, I have one more story to tell. And this one's about love.
• Mr. Turner: Human intimacy—the scariest thing of all!
• Cosmo: [as a squirrel] I love romantic stories. It's a good excuse to cuddle.
• Wanda: Oh, Cosmo. [gets struck by lightning]
• Cosmo: Not with you, squirrel banshee!
• Timmy: Like I was saying, this next story takes place on a romantic date.

[Ripple transition to a cliff at night]

Timmy: [narrating] Two teenagers named Cosmo and Wanda were parked on a romantic seaside cliff.

[Cut to the campout]

• Mr. Turner: Is this the same "Cosmo" and "Wanda" from your first story? Real original, Timmy.
• Timmy: Okay, fine. Their names were Carlsbad and Wandalyn.
• Mr. Turner: Those names are stupid, Timmy.
• Timmy: Really, Dad? What's your first name?
• Mr. Turner: Ooh, I see your point. Anyway, do any of you kids have an antacid? I ate an entire bag of marshmallows.
• Timmy: Stop talking!
• Mr. Turner: What if I'm on fire? Can I say something then?
• Timmy: There's not gonna be a fire 'cause you forgot the firewood! [his father babbles frustratedly and walks off] As I was saying, Carlsbad and Wandalyn were at Lover's Lane.

[Ripple transition to Lover's Lane]

Wandalyn: Oh, Carlsbad, it's so romantic of you to bring me here.

Carlsbad: Romantic? Oh, no, I just forgot to fill up my gas tank. I also forgot the keys. Luckily, we rolled down a steep hill.

Wandalyn: Well, now that we're here, do you wanna put your arm around me?

Carlsbad: No. I should probably keep my hand on the brake. It's the only thing keeping us from rolling off the cliff into a watery grave. Ah, watery grave. That reminds me of the watery gravy my mother made last Thanksgiving. She also burnt the yams. Speaking of Thanksgiving, I have a scary story about a fisherman named Rusty the Hook.

Wandalyn: What does a scary story have to do with Thanksgiving?

Carlsbad: You obviously never had to watch my aunt Bernice eat cranberry sauce.

Wandalyn: Just get to the scary story!

Carlsbad: Right. It's about Rusty the Hook and his loyal dog, Sparky!

[Cut to the campout]

• Mr. Turner: Wasn't that the name of the dog in the other—
• Timmy: Fine. A dog named Sparkplug. Are you happy?
• Mr. Turner: I'd be happier if I could talk when I was on fire. Also, I'm not crazy about the name Sparkplug.
• Timmy: Stop talking!

[Cut to Rusty fishing on Lover's Lane]

Rusty: Sparkplug, I'm gonna need a bigger hook if we both wanna eat tonight.

Sparkplug: Can't we just get takeout?

Rusty: Only the pizza place delivers to the ocean, and I'm lactose intolerant.

Sparkplug: Once again, your dietary restrictions are ruining my fun. [holding up a huge hook] Why don't you use this hook, Rusty?

Rusty: That's crazy. Then again, I just found out I have a talking dog, so everything's a little nuts right now. [casting the hook] We're gonna eat good tonight, Sparkplug! [a giant fish jumps out of the water and eats him]

Sparkplug: Well, at least the fish got dinner.

Rusty: [offscreen] There's a wooden kid in here who wants to be a real boy.

[Ripple transition to Carlsbad]

Carlsbad: And since that fateful day, if you park your car at Lover's Lane, you might just see the ghost of Rusty the Hook haunting the bluff. Or that creepy wooden boy.

Wandalyn: Oh, Carlsbad, that's not true. It's just an old wives' tale.

Carlsbad: I know, but I wasn't gonna argue with the old wife who told it to me. She was holding a steak knife. [a silhouetted man with a hook hand shows up by the car] Gah! It's the ghost of Rusty the Hook!

Pirate: Ahoy. I'm not Rusty. I'm a pirate with a hook for a hand. Actually, I'm not even a pirate. I'm a dentist going to a costume party. Do you guys know where Valley Village Lane is?

Carlsbad: I'd point you in the right direction, but I'm white-knuckling this emergency brake.

Pirate: Okay, then can I at least join ya? The people who are throwin' the costume party are total bores.

Carlsbad: Take a hike, peg leg. [a hook scratches the back of the car] Yah! It's Rusty the Hook!

Kid: I'm not Rusty the Hook. I'm just a kid playin' hooky.

Wandalyn: Well, shame on you.

Kid: It's not skipping school. It's a weird game I made up where I scrape hooks on cars. Bye! [runs off]

Carlsbad: Well, the joke's on you! 'Cause this is not my car! Sorry about your car, Wandalyn. [a scraping sound is heard and the two whimper] It's Rusty the Hook!

Basketball Player: I'm not Rusty the Hook. I'm a basketball player practicing my hook shot. [throws a basketball]

Carlsbad: How do you explain the screeching sound? [the basketball hits his head]

Basketball Player: It's that kid again. He's still playing hooky on your car.

Wandalyn: [sees the kid] Get away from my car, you little brat! [the kid runs away] Carlsbad, you're getting scared for nothing. Rusty the Hook is not real. [mist surrounds the car and Rusty shows up holding a hook. Carlsbad and Wandalyn scream] Oh, no! Rusty the Hook is totally real!

Carlsbad: In your face, Wandalyn. I mean, gah! [he has released the brake. The car rolls off the cliff and Carlsbad and Wandalyn scream. The car stops falling, as it has been hooked by a tow truck]

Rusty: Silly teenagers. I am Rusty the Hook, but I'm not a ghost. That's just a stupid story. I'm a tow truck driver, and you're parked illegally.

Carlsbad: Well, give her the bill. This is just a first date. I don't know where this is going. [Rusty reels the car back onto the cliff] Wow, Rusty, that's one big tow truck hook you got there. [a giant fish eats the car] Eh, what do I care? It's not my car.

[Ripple transition to the campout]

• Mr. Turner: [shouts] Timmy, that was scary. I never saw the fish coming. Thank goodness I found this smelly teddy bear to cuddle with. [the bear cub he is hugging cries out. He notices a big, growling bear behind him. The bear roars and he screams and runs away. The cub lands in the bear's paws] You're on your own, scouts. Luckily, I didn't bring any camping stuff, so the cleanup will be a snap. [gets in his car]
• Rusty: Gah! You're parked illegally. And on my foot!
• Mr. Turner: [screams] It's Rusty the Hook! [lightning strikes and hits Wanda, who is now in fairy form. She moans] Geh! Banshee! Timmy, your freaky imagination is coming to life! I'm getting out of here! [starts driving away. A black-and-white Dinkleberg jumps onto the windshield, and he screams]
• Dinkleberg: Hey, Turner! I noticed your wiper blades were a little worn, so I took the liberty of hiking all the way out here and changing them for you!
• Mr. Turner: [shouts] Go back to your scare-plane, you Dinkle-bane of my existence. [makes the windshield wipers wipe Dinkleberg off]
• Dinkleberg: Yaw haw! The wipers work!
• Mr. Turner: At last, I'm free! [as he drives on a bridge, a giant fish eats him; offscreen] Again, I didn't see the fish coming! Hello, wooden boy. You happen to have an antacid?
• Wooden Boy: [offscreen] Nope.
• Mr. Turner: Okay, I know you're lying, 'cause your nose just grew.
• Timmy: Hey, guys, I'm gonna go look for a place to sleep tonight. I'll be in the bushes, should any colorful squirrels feel like helping me! [goes behind a bush. The fairies follow him as squirrels and a magical flash comes from behind the bush] Good news. I found nuts, berries, and a luxury hotel. [Chester, AJ, and Sanjay cheer and run toward the hotel]
• Whiny Kid: But I'm allergic to luxury hotels.
• Timmy: [to the fairies] You know, this camping trip didn't turn out so bad after all.
• Wanda: Sport, your father was eaten by a fish.
• Timmy: Oh, yeah. I wish my dad was outta the fish! [the fairies grant the wish] Thanks, Cosmo and Wanda.
• Mr. Turner: You already used those names.
• Timmy: Stop talking, Dad!

[The end title card is shown. Fade to black]

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