Crocker of Gold/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Crocker of Gold"
Season	7
Episode	113B
Airdate	September 18, 2010
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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Crocker of Gold" from Season 7, which aired on September 18, 2010.

Transcript

[Fade in on the Crockers' house]

Mr. Crocker: Ha ha! My new invention will rearrange my molecules and beam me directly to Fairy World! The prime hunting ground for [spasming] fairies! [he turns on the invention, which zaps him and turns him into goo]

Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Denzel, what's become of you?

Crocker: Isn't it obvious? I'm a hideous goo monster!

Mrs. Crocker: I'm talking about your life. You're nothing but a crackpot who wastes all his time chasing fairies. [starts hitting him with a broom]

Crocker: [shouts] Ow! Ow! My eye!

[Crocker puts the machine in reverse. It turns him back to normal and Mrs. Crocker continues hitting him]

Crocker: Freeze, you crazy witch!

[Crocker shoots Mrs. Crocker with a freeze ray. She bounces into the machine, and it explodes]

Crocker: Oh, maybe the frozen old kook's right. My obsession with fairies has yielded nothing but disaster. There's only one sane thing to do: find another crazy obsession! Let's go to the wheel of destiny! I'm one spin away from a whole new life! [he spins the wheel, which stops at "women"] Women. Maybe I should shoot for something a little more realistic. Come on, unicorns! [he spins the wheel, and it stops at "leprechauns"] Leprechauns? That's it! Not only are they magical creatures, but they can't fly, so they'll be easier to catch than fairies! Plus, they have pots of gold which I can use to buy stuff! [the wheel falls off its wall and crushes him and he screams] Like a better wheel of destiny. [using a computer] According to Leprechapedia, leprechauns live in Ireland. Since I can't afford to go there on a teacher's salary, I'll have to settle for Little Ireland, in downtown Dimmsdale. To the Unsuspecting Van! [runs into the van and tries to start the engine] To the unsuspecting jumper cables! [zips off]

[Fade to Little Ireland. Cosmo poofs Timmy, Wanda, Poof, and himself into the restaurant Lucky Potato]

Timmy: Cosmo, what are we doing in Little Ireland? I said, "I wish", not "I-rish".

Cosmo: Ooh! But can we stay? [making himself look like a leprechaun] They're celebrating my favorite holiday: Leprechanuka!

Wanda: Cosmo, there's no such thing as Leprechanuka.

Cosmo: Don't listen to her, Timmy. On the eighth day of Leprechanuka, the Great Potato rises outta the four-leaf clover field with chocolate coins and potato dreidels for everyone!

[Wipe to Crocker pulling up outside the restaurant]

Crocker: Oh, Little Ireland. Everything is so green here. Even the stoplights. [a stoplight with green lights changes and cars crash offscreen] Well, time to set up my state-of-the-art leprechaun trap. [setting a box trap on the ground] Now for the bait. No leprechaun can resist Mother's Irish stew.

[Crocker puts a bowl of stew in the trap. Its scent wafts into the restaurant. Cut to inside the restaurant]

Cosmo: Then the Great Potato looks in a mirror to see if he's the fairest potato of them all. If he's not, he gives the hotter-looking potato a poison apple.

Timmy: Uh, Leprechanuka sounds kind of lame, Cosmo.

Cosmo: What if I told you Leprechanuka was a school holiday?

Timmy: I love Leprechaunuka! [eats from a bowl of shamrocks]

Cosmo: Mmm. I smell stew. Either that or it's the Great Potato's aftershave.

[Cosmo floats toward the trap. Crocker pulls a string, and the box falls over Cosmo]

Crocker: Eureka! I captured a leprechaun! Wait. Maybe I should say something more Irish. Shiver me timbers! [puts Cosmo in the van] You're mine, leprechaun. Now give me my pot of gold!

Cosmo: I don't have one. But I do have a story about how the Great Potato once stopped a wolf from blowing down a house made of steak fries!

Crocker: Look, the rule is if you catch a leprechaun, he has to give you, his gold. So, fork it over!

Cosmo: Well, if that's the rule. [poofs away and reappears with a pot of gold]

Crocker: Mission accomplished! [taking the pot] Now that I have your gold, take a hike, McMoron.

[Crocker kicks Cosmo out of the van. He flies into a wall in the restaurant]

Timmy: Cosmo, where were you? You missed the potato-sculpting contest.

Wanda: Poof won first prize with his Battle of Gettysburg.

Poof: Poof poof! [makes cannons made from potatoes fire at potato soldiers]

Cosmo: Sorry, but I got captured by Mr. Crocker, who thought I was a leprechaun and made me give him a pot of gold. Ooh! Potato soldiers! [eats the remaining soldiers]

Wanda: Oh. [beat] What?! Cosmo, fairies aren't allowed to poof up money. Where'd you get a pot of gold?

Cosmo: From some leprechauns. Duh!

Wanda: Which ones? Some of them can be really dangerous.

Timmy: Aw, come on. Aren't they all just harmless little green twerps who sell soap on TV? [an arm breaks through a wall and grabs him]

Wanda: Oh, no! It's the McPunchy brothers—Lucky, Greeny, and Big Dave. The toughest, meanest leprechauns ever.

Timmy: Whoa, they're not just leprechauns. They're lepre-convicts.

Big Dave: That's right, bucko. They sent us to jail Cause o' the terrible things we did to the last thief who took our gold.

Lucky: And we busted out Cause our gold's been stolen again, by a wee-brained laddie named Cosmoooooo.

Timmy: How do you know it was Cosmoooooo?

Greeny: He left a note. [holds up a note reading "I tuk yer gold / Cosmoooooo"]

Wanda: [to Cosmo] You left a note?

Cosmo: It's called manners, Wanda. Look it up.

Lucky: They're fairies! Grab their wands! [Big Dave grabs the fairies and Greeny catches their wands and rattle]

Big Dave: Now give us back our pot o' gold.

Timmy: He doesn't have it anymore. A guy named Mr. Crocker has it. And I can take you to him.

Big Dave: Lucky, Greeny, take the pink-haired lass and the wee one back to Ireland for safekeeping'. I'll go with the bucktoothed lad and his friend to see this Mr. Crockerrrrrr.

Wanda: Save us, Cosmo! [Lucky and Greeny take her and Poof away on motorcycles that make rainbows]

Cosmo: Nooo! No! Timmy, we got to get Poof and Wanda back! She has to pay for lunch!

Timmy: Don't worry, Cosmo. We just have to get that gold from Mr. Crocker before he spends any of it.

[Cut to a store]

Crocker: [pushing a filled shopping cart] I've spent all of it! Now to load this stuff into my new tricked-out talking car.

[Fade to Crocker driving home in the convertible]

Crocker: This is the best day ever, talking car that obeys my every command! Make me a milkshake!

Talking Car: Activating airbags.

Crocker: What? [the airbag in the steering wheel knocks him into a bush] Turner? What are you doing with my leprechaun? He's cleaned out, just so you know.

Timmy: Mr. Crocker, you've got to give back that gold.

Crocker: Who's going to make me? You and your wimpy little leprechaun? [laughs]

Big Dave: Guess again, laddie.

Crocker: Gah! [zips away] Time for a quick getaway, talking car!

Talking Car: Making getaway now. [drives off]

Crocker: I meant with me! Bring back my stuff! [a wheel and a toilet bedazzled with rubies fall on him]

Big Dave: You've got till the end of Leprechanuka to get me pot o' gold back.

Timmy: Wait, Leprechanuka's a real holiday?

Big Dave: Of course it's real. And it ends when the last bit of Irish stew drips through this hourglass. [blathers] Just get me pot o' gold. Until you do, I'll be taking' this wheel o' destiny as collateral. [drives off with the wheel]

Crocker: Please! Not my wheel of destiny! Take the ruby toilet instead!

Timmy: We got to get the McPunchy brothers another pot of gold!

Crocker: Have no fear! I have a plan! [blathers]

[Fade to a ice skating championship. Timmy and Cosmo skate and do tricks]

Timmy: All we need are three perfect tens, and we'll win the gold medal.

Judge #1: Ten!

Judge #2: Ten!

Judge #3 (Crocker): F! [Timmy and Cosmo glare at him] Sorry. Force of habit.

[Fade to an old gold mine]

Crocker: We'll just mine our own gold.

Cosmo: Okay, but be on the lookout for eight fairytale dwarves.

Timmy: I thought there were only seven.

Cosmo: No. Everyone always forgets the eighth dwarf, Crazy. [the seven dwarves run away. Timmy, Cosmo, and Crocker scream and zip away from Crazy, a big dwarf with a chainsaw]

Crocker: Note to self: Take dwarves off the wheel of destiny!

[Timmy, Cosmo, and Crocker run out of the mine and hit a rainbow. Big Dave and his motorcycle land on them]

Big Dave: Well, laddies, ya still don't have that McPunchy family pot o' gold, which means you're all getting boiled like a cabbage! [blathers]

[The last drop of stew drips to the bottom of the hourglass]

Crocker: I got to get outta here! [zips away] Talking car, come and get me!

Talking Car: [pulls up] Hop in.

[The car's door opens and knocks Crocker into the ground. Big Dave grabs him and takes off]

Timmy: Come on, Cosmo. He'll lead us to Wanda and Poof. Who knows what horrible Irish torture they're being put through?

[Cut to Ireland]

Wanda: [eats Lucky Bits cereal] I love Ireland, Poof. There's all the marshmallow cereal you can eat, and deodorant soap grows on trees. [rubs her armpit with a soap bar]

Big Dave: [lands] Lucky, Greeny, fire up the cabbage boilerrrrrr.

Lucky: I would if I could find it. But it's green like everything else around here!

[Timmy and Cosmo drive the talking car down the rainbow left by Big Dave and knock the McPunchy brothers away with it]

Wanda: Cosmo!

Poof: Dada!

Crocker: Fairies?! And just when I'd given up chasing them. That's so not fair.

Cosmo: I really missed you guys!

Wanda: We missed you too, Cosmo. Now let's get out of here before the McPunchys come to.

Big Dave: You're a wee bit too late, lassie.

[Big Dave grabs the fairies and Timmy. Fade to the four of them tied up in a boiling cauldron. The McPunchy brothers throw wood on the fire]

Cosmo: Don't worry, guys. Boiling people on Leprechanuka is a big no-no. The Great Potato will never let this happen!

Wanda: Cosmo, once and for all, there's no such thing as the Great Potato. [the ground rumbles]

Great Potato: Happy Leprechanuka, everybody! And stop boiling those people at once!

McPunchy Brothers: Saints alive! It's the Great Potato!

Timmy: No way. He's real?

Cosmo: Isn't he awesome, Timmy? Except at midnight, he turns back into a pumpkin.

Great Potato: Hear me, McPunchy brothers. Free Cosmo and his friends at once or suffer my starchy wrath. [zaps the McPunchy brothers with laser eyes]

Big Dave: Uh, right away, Great Potato. Lucky, Greeny, untie them. Uh, and give the fairies back their wands.

Crocker: Wait a minute. Even the stupid leprechaun was a fairy? That's even more so not fair!

Timmy: Thanks, Great Potato. Well, I guess we'll be heading back home. [to Big Dave] Sorry about your gold.

Big Dave: It wasn't the gold we cared about, lad. We just wanted the pot back.

Greeny: It's a McPunchy family heirloom.

Talking Car: He's still got the pot. It's in my trunk.

Crocker: Don't tell them that! I was going to use it as a planter. [the car opens its trunk, revealing the pot] Curse you, stupid talking car! [the car's door opens, and he jumps over it] Ha!

[The car knocks Crocker away with a boxing glove and he screams. Big Dave hugs the pot]

Timmy: [as he and the fairies get in the car] Now let's go home.

Crocker: [getting in the car] Take us to Dimmsdale, talking car!

Talking Car: Activating ejector seat. [Crocker is launched away screaming and lands at home]

Crocker: Well, the leprechaun thing was a total bust. So it's back to the wheel of destiny! [he spins the old wheel and it stops at "dwarves"] Dwarves? No way! I'm not going back to Crazy!

Mrs. Crocker: You're already there, you numbskull!

Crocker: Oh, just my luck. Mother's vocal cords have thawed out. [he spins the wheel and it which stops at "fairies"] Fairies! Looks like we have a winner!

Mrs. Crocker: [hitting him with a broom] You crackpot!

Crocker: [kicks her away] Help, talking car! Get me out of here! [the car shows up and runs him over] Well, at least it's good to have friends.

Great Potato: [lands on the Crockers' garage] Happy Leprechanuka, everybody!

[Iris out on the Great Potato's face. The end title card is shown. Fade to black]

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