Crock Talk/Transcript

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The Fairly OddParents! episode transcript
"Crock Talk"
Season	7
Episode	119B
Airdate	July 11, 2011
Transcript List

This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Crock Talk" from Season 7, which aired on July 11, 2011.

Transcript

[Fade in on a computer screen. A video finishes buffering and a "play" button appears. A pointer clicks it and Mr. Crocker appears on the screen]

Mr. Crocker: Hello, all you internauts! This is Denzel Crocker, welcoming you to Crock Talk, my new web show that's broadcast live from my stylish basement! Now say hello to my band leader, Mother! [Mrs. Crocker plays a sting on an electric organ] So, Mother, how was your day?

Mrs. Crocker: Well, I bleached my dentures, shaved my bunions, had a mole removed, got some ear—

Crocker: Why can't you just say "fine" like everybody else?! Today on Crock Talk, we'll be focusing on the recent rash of monster sightings in Dimmsdale. Check out my exclusive on-the-scene cell phone video clips!

[Crocker presses a remote button and the screen transitions to one of those videos]

Crocker: Here I am secretly filming Bigfoot, who mysteriously showed up at the supermarket. He has no idea I'm secretly filming him buying size 58 flip-flops and 5,000 razor blades! [Bigfoot grabs his face. The screen turns to static, and Crocker screams as he is attacked. Bigfoot roars, the video camera falls on the floor, and Crocker's decapitated head lands in front of it] Clean-up on aisle nine.

[The screen transitions to another video]

Crocker: Here I am secretly filming a swamp monster relaxing in Mr. Bickles' hot tub. [the monster takes the tub's drain plug out, and Crocker screams as he gets stuck in the drain. The screen turns to static]

[Cut to Crocker in person, hitting an inflatable punching bag of a dinosaur]

Crocker: Scary stuff, huh? [punches the bag hard] Where are all these monsters coming from? [the bag hits him, knocking him into a laundry basket] To give us some insight, we have a guest from the Institute of Paranormal Studies in Stockholm, Sweden: Professor Olaf Gunderson. Thank you for agreeing to be on the show today, Professor.

Professor Gunderson: I did not agree. [he is tied up] You struck me with a tranquilizer dart and threw me in the back of your van! If anyone from the Svedish embassy is vatching, please help!

Mrs. Crocker: Oh, save your breath. [her leg is chained to a wall] That's how he got me to be his music director. Only a moron would watch this show.

[Cut to the Turners' living room. Mr. Turner is watching Crock Talk on a laptop]

Mr. Turner: Ooh! I love this show! Timmy, come quick! Crock Talk is on!

[Cut to Timmy's room]

Timmy: Can't right now, Dad! I'm doin' my homework! [he is playing cards with Bigfoot, the swamp monster, and other monsters] Go fish, lizard boy. [the swamp monster puts its head in the fishbowl and catches Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof in its mouth. Cosmo and Wanda poof out in fairy form]

Wanda: Timmy, these monsters you wished up are out of control. Ah! Where's Poof? [the swamp monster burps. Cosmo does the Heimlich maneuver on it to make it cough out Poof, who goes flying into Wanda] Yuck! That's it, sport. It's time to get rid of these monsters.

Timmy: Relax, Wanda. I'll just put 'em back in my closet like I always do.

Cosmo: Okay, freaky-deaks, let's pack it in! Kid's got a bedtime! [the monsters walk into the closet]

Timmy: I don't know what the big deal is. [closing the closet door, revealing a hole in the wall] It's not like they can get out. [he and Cosmo go offscreen, and a chupacabra sneaks out]

[Cut to the living room]

Crocker: [on the laptop] The phone lines are now open. If you see any monsters—my mother doesn't count—give me a call.

Mr. Turner: Ooh! I hope I see a monster so I can be on Crock Talk. [the chupacabra grabs his sandwich] A monster! Yay!

[Cut to Crocker's basement. Crocker's cell phone rings]

Crocker: Gah! [dives behind the couch] What's that noise?

Mrs. Crocker: [sawing through the chain] It's the phone, dimwit!

Crocker: Oh, so that's what it sounds like. [takes a stapler next to the phone] Hello? Oh, it's not working!

Mrs. Crocker: That's a stapler! [gives him the phone]

Crocker: You're live on Crock Talk.

Mr. Turner: [on the phone] Help, Mr. Crock Talk! There's a monster trying to snag my sandwich!

Crocker: Really? Describe it!

Mr. Turner: It's baloney and Swiss on pumpernickel.

Crocker: Not the sandwich, you moron, the monster!

Mr. Turner: Eeh! Uh, he looks like a cross between an ugly dog and a hairless kangaroo. Ooh! And he's sucking on a goat.

Crocker: That's a chupacabra! The legendary Mexican goat sucker! What a scoop! Gimme your name and address.

Mr. Turner: My name is Timmy Turner's Dad, and I live at Timmy Turner's house! [the chupacabra tackles and attacks him]

Crocker: [hanging up] Now everything makes sense! All the monsters in Dimmsdale are being wished up by Timmy Turner! This is my chance to get actual footage of... [spasming] fairy godparents! To the Unsuspecting Van! [runs off]

Mrs. Crocker: [to Gunderson] Hey, you're kind of cute!

Gunderson: I didn't think things could get any worse, but they just have.

[Cut to the Turners' house. The chupacabra is picking his teeth when Crocker comes in. Mr. Turner shouts from inside the chupacabra's mouth]

Mr. Turner: Mr. Crock Talk! Please help me!

Crocker: Sorry, no time for autographs. Now to film Timmy Turner's fairies! [runs upstairs and sneaks up to Timmy's room. He looks inside and sees Cosmo and Wanda poof up a big sundae for Timmy] Eureka! Fairies! All I gotta do is hit the video button on my cell phone, and the world will finally stop thinking I'm a crazy moron! [presses a button] Whoops. That's the tip calculator. [he presses a button and the phone starts playing "Camptown Races". The fairies poof up a unicorn] Oh, drat! [pressing buttons] Now I'm downloading a stupid ringtone! [the fairies make the room like an ocean] That's 99 cents I'll never get back! [as he presses buttons, Cosmo and Wanda turn the room back to normal] Ha ha! Smile, fairies! [the room appears empty]

Mr. Turner: I've got good news and bad news, Mr. Crock Talk. The good news is the chupalupa thingy spit me out. The bad news is I'm covered in corrosive stomach acid. [the acid makes the floor below him collapse, and he screams as he falls. The chupacabra growls and attacks Crocker offscreen, and Crocker's decapitated head starts bouncing down the stairs]

Crocker: Gah! Not the stairs! Gah! Ooh! Guh! Ow! [his head lands in a bowling bag, which then closes]

Mrs. Turner: [picks up the bag] Bye, Timmy! I'm going bowling!

[Cut to a bowling alley. Mrs. Turner bowls Crocker's head]

Crocker: Gah! Wood burn! [his head knocks down all the pins]

[Cut to the Crockers' basement. Mrs. Crocker and Gunderson are seated at a table]

Mrs. Crocker: Oh, Olaf, sitting in this musty, old basement where no one can hear you scream is the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

Gunderson: Let's you and I celebrate our love by calling security at the Svedish embassy.

Crocker: Mother, [putting his head back on] I have awesome news! [taping his head to his body] First of all, my head rolled a strike at the Dimmsdale Beef and Bowl! And second, I'm hot on the trail of... [spasming] fairies! [falls down the stairs shouting] Pain!

[Cut to a screen. A video loads and is made to start playing]

Crocker: Welcome back to Crock Talk. How's it going, Mother?

Mrs. Crocker: I have a crazy middle-aged son with a stupid Internet show. How do you think it's going? [plays an organ sting]

Crocker: I'm gonna smear you with meat and put a leopard in your room! [smiles for the camera] Anyway, I'm always looking for more footage—

[Cut to the Turners' house, where Mr. Turner is watching the show and eating a sandwich]

Crocker: —so if anyone sees a monster—and by "anyone", I mean Turner's dad—give me a call. [Bigfoot comes out of the bathroom]

Mr. Turner: Yay! Another monster! [dialing on his phone] What are the odds of that?

[Cut to Crocker's phone chiming]

Crocker: Run, Mother! There's a giant cricket in the room! [dives behind the couch]

Mrs. Crocker: That's the phone, Denzel.

Crocker: Weird. [takes the phone] You're live on Crock Talk.

[Cut to Crocker entering the Turners' house]

Mr. Turner: [between Bigfoot's teeth] Mr. Crock Talk, why are there so many monsters in my house, and why do they all want my baloney?

Crocker: My head rolled a strike at the Beef and Bowl! I don't have to talk to you! I've got fairies to film! [looks inside Timmy's room] Turner's still not here! That explains why he never turns in his homework! No problem. I'll hide in his closet 'til he comes back with his... fairies! [opens the closet door, revealing the monsters. They pull him in and he screams as they attack him] Puncture wound! [his decapitated head bounces out] That'll be infected! [his head bounces down the stairs and lands in the bowling bag] Well, it's not like I didn't see that coming.

Mrs. Turner: [leaving with the bag] Well, back to the lanes with my new screaming bowling ball.

[Fade to the Crockers' basement]

Crocker: Mother, I had a terrible evening. [putting his head back on] Despite bowling the ever-tricky 7–10 split, I didn't get the fairy footage. I still feel like a failure.

Mrs. Crocker: Well, I had a swell evening. I'm marrying Olaf and taking him to Niagara Falls against his will.

Gunderson: There's never a SWAT team when you need vun. [Crocker's phone rings]

Crocker: Don't worry! I know it's the phone this time! [holding a cup of coffee like a handset] Hello? [the coffee burns his ear] Gah! Someone put coffee in the phone! [his mother takes the phone out of his pocket, and he takes it] Hello?

Doug Dimmadome: [on the phone] This is Doug Dimmadome.

Crocker: Doug Dimmadome?

Dimmadome: Doug Dimmadome, on my Dimmaphone. Son, your webcast is the biggest thing to hit the Internet since the show about the missin' Swedish professor. [chuckles] People love watchin' you get the stuffin' beat outta you by monsters and watchin' your head roll the ever-tricky 7–10 split. [watches the latter on a laptop] Bottom line: I wanna buy Crock Talk for $10 million.

Crocker: [does a spit take and spasms incredulously] You're kidding! [someone knocks on the front door, and he opens it, revealing Dimmadome]

Dimmadome: I'm not kiddin'! I'm a big fan with a big contract. [unfurls the long contract] Sign here, son. [as Crocker signs the contract] All you gotta do is find a monster every week to beat you senseless. [gives him a bag of money]

Crocker: You got it, freaky cowboy! [closes the door]

Mrs. Crocker: Honestly, Denzel, how are you going to get a monster on that show every week? You'll never pull it off.

Crocker: Oh, baloney, Mother!

Mrs. Crocker: Don't take that tone with me!

Crocker: No! I mean I'm going to use baloney! Apparently, monsters just love the stuff! I'm gonna be a star! [to Gunderson] By the way, I'm not callin' you Daddy.

[Cut to outside a venue with a marquee reading "Crock Talk Live"]

Mrs. Crocker: [offscreen] Live from downtown Dimmsdale, it's Crock Talk!

[Pictures of Crocker wearing a turban and being grabbed by monsters appear. Inside the venue, an audience cheers in front of a stage resembling Crocker's basement. Mrs. Crocker performs in a band, and Gunderson holds up a sign reading "Help!" Mr. Turner cheers in the audience]

Crocker: Welcome, everyone! Who wants to see some monsters beat me silly?

Mr. Turner: I love you, Mr. Crock Talk!

Crocker: [doing the following] Now just let me slip into my baloney jumpsuit. Okay, monsters, who wants a piece of me? [the monsters break into the building and start attacking him, and he shouts] Ooh, that area's off-limits! [shouts. He tries to crawl away, the eagle monster grabs him and takes a bite out of the baloney, and Bigfoot hits his head] I love show business! [Timmy and the fairies appear backstage]

Wanda: There are your monsters, sport! And they're beating up Mr. Crocker. Maybe we should poof them away.

Timmy: Just give 'em a few more seconds.

Crocker: Watch the cold cuts! [Timmy and Wanda play chess. Later, Timmy finishes a ship in a bottle. Crocker shouts] Help! Stop! I blame Mother! [Timmy is painting a portrait of the fairies. Crocker screams]

Wanda: Uh, Timmy, I think Mr. Crocker's had enough.

Timmy: [sighs] Okay. I'll give him a break. [Cosmo and Wanda poof the monsters away, and Crocker falls to the floor]

Crocker: My monsters are gone!

Crowd: Boo! [Mr. Turner cries]

Dimmadome: You're canceled, son! No monsters means no show, and no show means no $10 million.

Crocker: No!

Crowd: [piling fruit on Crocker] Boo!

Dimmadome: Son, looks like you're Dimma-done. [leaves with the money]

Crocker: Wait! [blinks] Oh, d'oh! [he slaps his face and his head bounces away] Man, I wish this place was carpeted.

[Cut to Crocker narrating a slideshow]

Crocker: The monsters were never seen in Dimmsdale again. However, Timmy Turner still plays a weekly card game with the swamp creature. Mother and Professor Gunderson honeymooned at Niagara Falls... before he was rescued by a Swedish SWAT team. Timmy's dad wisely gave up eating baloney sandwiches in favor of salami, unaware that this is the lunch meat of choice for werewolves. Timmy's mom and Mr. Crocker's head won first place at the national bowling championship. And thus ends another episode of Crock Talk. [his phone rings] Ooh! We have a caller! [holding a coffee cup to his ear] Hello? [the coffee burns his ear] Gah! Who put coffee in the phone?!

[Iris out on Crocker's face. The phone rings as the end title card is shown. Fade to black]

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