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Cosmo Con/Transcript

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This article is a transcript of the Fairly OddParents episode "Cosmo Con" from Season 3, which aired on January 10, 2003.


Script[]

[Fade in on a medieval Fairy World. All the fairies, including Cosmo and Wanda, are in medieval clothing and gathered around Jorgen.]

  • Jorgen: It is now time to find out which lucky fairy will pick the location of our next secret fairy convention... (picking up Binky) And punish the puny fairy who made last year's secret fairy convention the worst secret fairy convention ever!
  • Binky: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I thought the Black Plague was a band! I didn't know it would wipe out half of Europe!
  • Jorgen: Tough Toenails, Binky! It is now time to play...
  • All Fairies: Wheel... of... Torture! (cheer)

[Jorgen straps Binky to a Wheel of Fortune–style wheel, puts a pointed cap on him and spins the wheel. Binky screams.]

  • Cosmo: Ooo! Ooo! Me! Me! I hope it's me!
  • Wanda: I wouldn't get your hopes up, sweetie! Every fairy in the universe has their name on that wheel!

[Close on the wheel: We see a ton of fairy names. Jorgen's name is on the wheel in several places.]

  • Cosmo: Wow! Look at Binky go! And go! And go!
  • Jorgen: You are right! My mighty muscles have spun the wheel too hard! I will summon you all when it stops! Until then, have a nice millennium! (blows a kiss)

[Title card: "1,000 years later". At Dimmsdale Elementary, Mr. Crocker eagerly looks at his watch. Timmy is using Wanda as an eraser to erase on a paper.]

  • Wanda: Easy on the erasing, sport. You're chapping my butt!
  • Timmy: Sorry, Wanda. I'm nervous! Crocker's handing our tests back, and I know I didn't do well...
  • Jorgen: (appears on the paper) It... is... time!

[Jorgen grabs Wanda and an eraser Cosmo and disappears with them.]

  • Timmy: What? What's going on?

[An oven timer dings.]

  • Mr. Crocker: Good news, children, the Fs are in! (takes tests marked "F" out of the oven) Oh, smell those hot, fresh Fs! (sniffing the tests) Mmm! Hey... (picks up one of the papers) This one smells like an A+! And it's for... Timmy Turner? (shows Timmy the test)
  • A.J.: Oh my gosh! Timmy got an A+! It's a sign of the apocalypse!
  • Chester: Everybody! To the bunker! (screams and zips away)

[All of Timmy's other classmates run away screaming.]

  • Timmy: Actually, I just doodled...

[The filled-in bubbles on Timmy's test form a smiling face.]

  • Timmy: Thank you, short attention span!
  • Mr. Crocker: There's only one way Turner could get an A+... FAIRY GODPARENTS! And I can use this A+ as an excuse to invite myself over to his house, and finally search his premises for proof of the existence of FAIRY GODPARENTS!
  • Timmy: Um... Hello! I'm right here. I can hear every word you're saying.
  • Mr. Crocker: Then I don't have to repeat myself! I'll be over at eight! FAIRIES!

[Fade to the Turners' house at night. Cosmo and Wanda's fishbowl sits empty on the kitchen table.]

  • Timmy: Crocker's gonna be here any minute, and I can't find Cosmo and Wanda! Where are they?
  • Mrs. Turner: (wearing an apron labeled "Kiss the Cook") Timmy, stop talking to your empty fish bowl and wash up! I want everything perfect to impress the teacher who made our little boy an A+ student!
  • Mr. Turner: Good thing I'm not the jealous type or I'd take this fancy meal and alluring apron as a sign she digs your teacher!
  • Mrs. Turner: (walks up and pulls out a "good" toilet seat) And let's use the good toilet seats! So the meal is special from when it starts to where it ends!
  • Mr. Turner: The good toilet seats?! (gasps) She totally digs your teacher! (whips out boxing gloves and slaps them together)

[Outside the window, a white van with satellite and radar dishes on it pulls up.]

  • Mrs. Turner: He's here! Quick, Timmy! Swap out the seats!
  • Timmy: (running with the "good" seat) Okay... Stay calm. At least Cosmo and Wanda are gone...

[Fade to Fairy World town square. Binky is still spinning.]

  • Jorgen: The wheel is finally slowing down! Who will be the lucky fairy to choose the next convention location?

[Binky's hat stops at Cosmo's name.]

  • Jorgen: Cosmo?
  • Cosmo: Yay! (flies up) And I know exactly where to put it! (uses his wand; the screen fills with magic)

[Timmy, carrying the toilet seat, opens the bathroom door, which is now a portal to the Fairy Convention Hall. We see the whole convention hall. Booths everywhere. Banners, etc.]

  • Timmy: Yah! What's going on in here?!

[Cut to Mom and Dad opening the front door.]

  • Mrs. Turner: Mr. Crocker! Welcome!

[Crocker is holding a pot with wilted flowers.]

  • Mr. Crocker: Ah! Hello! You must be Mr. and Mrs. Turner! I'm here to look for (a beeping radar dish comes out of the pot) FAIRIES... I mean, congratulate you on your son's hot, fresh A+! (the radar dish sinks back into the pot)
  • Mr. Turner: Those eyes! That hair! That figure! Oh my gosh! It's worse than I thought! He's gorgeous!

[The radar dish comes out again.]

  • Mrs. Turner: Are those dead, beeping flowers?
  • Mr. Crocker: Actually, it's my Fairy Detector. I mean... Yes! Dead beeping flowers! That are dead! (chuckles)
  • Mrs. Turner: How thoughtful—(taking one of the flowers) dead and beeping! (sniffs the flower while Dad growls)
  • Mr. Crocker: (to self) My diabolical scheme has worked! I'm in! Now, if only I can get one of these idiots to give me a tour of the house, I can sweep the place with this dead beeping FAIRY DETECTOR!
  • Mr. Turner: Uh... Hello! I'm right here!
  • Mrs. Turner: And we would love to be the idiots to give you a tour of the house!
  • Mr. Crocker: EXCELLENT! Let the tour begin!

[Cut to the Fairy Convention Hall. Timmy continues to look for Cosmo and Wanda.]

  • Timmy: (desperately) Where the heck are Cosmo and Wanda?

[Cut to Mom giving Crocker a tour. Dad's one step behind them, fuming.]

  • Mrs. Turner: And this is the den...
  • Mr. Turner: WHICH IS MINE!
  • Mrs. Turner: And upstairs, we have the bedroom...
  • Mr. Turner: Also mine!

[Cut to the convention. Cosmo and Wanda check in a line of fairies. Wanda holds a clipboard. Cosmo addresses a fairy.]

  • Cosmo: Welcome to Cosmo Con! Name?
  • Check-in Fairy: Twinkle Flitterglitter. (a badge and a welcome bag appear on his person, and he flies off)
  • Wanda: Enjoy the convention! Name, please?
  • Timmy: (shoves his way to the front of the line) TIMMY TURNER! AND WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!

[A welcome bag appears in Timmy's hand. Cosmo gives him a button labeled "Cosmo-Con: secret fairy convention located in scenic Timmy's Bathroom".]

  • Timmy: Cosmo Con? Fairy convention?
  • Cosmo: I got to pick the location of this year's Secret Fairy Convention!
  • Timmy: (tosses the button aside) So you put it in my bathroom? Are you nuts?! Crocker is in the house and you have EVERY FAIRY IN THE UNIVERSE IN MY BATHROOM! If Crocker catches even the tiniest whiff of fairies, he'll barge right in!

[Dad and Crocker continue their tour. Crocker notices magic sparkles trickling from the bathroom door.]

  • Mr. Crocker: FAIRIES!
  • Mrs. Turner: No, the bathroom.
  • Mr. Turner: Which is mine!

[Mr. Crocker runs toward the door.]

  • Mrs. Turner: (stops Crocker) Whoa! You can't just barge in there, it's a bathroom! You have to knock first!

[Crocker begrudgingly knocks on the door.]

  • Timmy: Oh no! It's gotta be Crocker!
  • Wanda: It's okay, sport! Watch! (turns Cosmo into a megaphone and shouts through him:) HUMAN!!!

[Smiling, All the fairies raise their wands and... POOF!]

  • Mr. Crocker: (barges into the bathroom) Aha! (beat) Huh?

[Crocker stares into the plain, normal bathroom. All the fairies are hiding on the ceiling and the wall beside him.]

  • Mr. Crocker: (sniffs) I swear I whiffed a fairy... (shuts the door)

[Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda look at each other. POOF! The bathroom becomes a convention hall again.]

  • Timmy: So that's why you put it in the bathroom! Because people always knock before they enter!
  • Cosmo: Sure... Let's go with that. So can it stay? Please, Timmy? Please?
  • Wanda: Besides, the only remaining event is the closing entertainment!
  • Cosmo: Fairy conventions are notoriously short!
  • Timmy: Well... Okay! As long as Cosmo didn't do anything stupid, like book a human entertainer who will see this, blow the secret and make you guys have to go away forever.
  • Cosmo: (chuckles nervously) Well... Actually, there's a funny story about that. (doorbell rings) Oops!

[Cut to someone ringing the doorbell. Mrs. Turner opens the door, and Mr. Turner and Crocker look. It is Britney Britney outside.]

  • Britney: Hi, I'm pop diva Britney Britney, these are the Britney Britney Dancers, (three hard-bodied boys dance) and we're here for the Fair...
  • Timmy: (zips and interrupts Britney) ...ly Nice Dinner that my Mom made for Mr. Crocker!
  • Mr. Turner: And not me!
  • Timmy: Won't you join us?
  • Mr. Crocker: This must be the work of FAIRY GODPARENTS! There's no other explanation for the appearance of this overly-hyped, shabbily clad pop diva superstar!
  • Britney: (standing right next to him) Hello! I'm right here!
  • Mrs. Turner: Great! And if you like, you can freshen up in Timmy's bathroom!

[Off Timmy's nervous expression, we cut to the convention. Cosmo is trying on hats. He is wearing a fez.]

  • Cosmo: So what do you think? This one that makes me look like a Poobah? (the hat changes into a yellow cowboy hat) Or this one?

[There is a knock at the door. Wanda turns Cosmo into a megaphone.]

  • Wanda: (through Cosmo) HUMAN!

[The room turns back into a bathroom. Britney Britney enters and washes her face with soap.]

  • Britney: Ah! I got soap in my eye! (with her eyes closed, she wipes her face with Cosmo and tosses him aside; she grabs the soap) Stupid, mean soap! You'll never work in this town again! (angrily throws the soap down, then notices something on the floor) Hmm... What's this?

[Britney picks the Cosmo-Con button off the floor. Fade to the dining room table. Mom has made an amazing spread. Britney shows off her Cosmo-Con button to Crocker.]

  • Britney: Only the most adorable little button ever! And I found it on the bathroom floor!
  • Mr. Turner: Which is mine!
  • Timmy: OH NO!
  • Mr. Crocker: (takes the button) "Cosmo-Con: secret fairy convention conveniently located in scenic Timmy's Bathroom." FAIRIES! I knew I whiffed them! (bolts offscreen with his device)
  • Timmy: (running after him) Mr. Crocker! Come back!
  • Mr. Turner: Great. Now I've lost my son to him too?! It's TOO MUCH!
  • Britney: Uh! I'm never going to get to sing.

[Cut to the convention. A group of fairies around the rock stage angrily shouts.]

  • Fairies: (angry) Britney! Britney! Britney!
  • Wanda: (on stage) Uh... Britney Britney can't be here tonight... because she... uh...
  • Cosmo: Got eaten by a wildebeest! So, singing a medley of her greatest hits is... me! (performs as a one-man band; fairies hold up tomatoes) This is not working out the way I'd hoped.
  • Mr. Crocker: (running full tilt toward the bathroom) Fairies! FAIRIES! (opens the door) FAIRIES... (tomatoes are thrown at him and cover his eyes) AHHHH! I CAN'T SEE! (stumbles into the bathroom)

[Crocker steps on the soap that Britney threw aside and screams. He slides between a pair of fairies licking ice cream.]

  • Crocker: Ice cream!

[The fairies cry, as their ice cream is now over Crocker's eyes.]

  • Fairies: AHHH! DON'T LET IT TOUCH YOU!

[The fairies fly away as Crocker slides into the Mondo Wando display, crashing through magic wand after magic wand and POOFing into an elephant, a chef, a nude sculpture, and a ballerina. He screams as he slides through the "Left Wing" display, getting two left fairy wings. Now, with the ability to fly, sort of, Crocker spins around in the air, in circles.]

  • Fairy #1: Hey, he's not scary! (fairies start to laugh) He's funny!
  • Mr. Crocker: AHH! CAN'T SEE! BUT THERE ARE FAIRIES! I KNOW IT! I'M WHIFFING THEM!

[Crocker's wings come off, and he drops into the crown display.]

  • Mr. Crocker: (landing on a crown and bouncing out of the room) Ooo! Ow! Ooo! Ee! Ow! Ow! Ooo! Ow! Ooo!

[Wanda turns Crocker back to normal, and he bounces out of the house and into the street. A car hits him. Cut to the bathroom door.]

  • Timmy: (addressing the crowd) Huh? Was that great? Can Cosmo book convention entertainment or what? LET HIM HEAR IT!

[The crowd goes wild as Jorgen walks up to Cosmo, Wanda and Timmy.]

  • Jorgen: Awesome! That was the greatest "fake puny human almost discovering fairies" comedy act ever. My muscles are still laughing!
  • Jorgen's Biceps: Ha. Ha ha. Ha.
  • Jorgen: I declare this notoriously short convention officially closed!

[Jorgen uses his wand and POOF! The convention hall turns back into the bathroom. A wand spins in midair before dropping into the toilet bowl. Cut to outside the house, seconds later. Crocker is in the trunk of the car, which has crashed into a tree.]

  • Mr. Crocker: I heard them! FAIRIES! In the bathroom! Laughing! (runs back to the house)
  • Mr. Turner: (waiting at the door) You again? I'm watching you!

[Crocker walks past Dad, runs up the stairs, opens the bathroom door and shouts. Mrs. Turner is inside with a newspaper. She sees him and screams. She is sitting on the vanity.]

  • Mrs. Turner: Can't a woman clip coupons in the comfort of her own bathroom?
  • Mr. Crocker: I suppose I should have knocked first. Heh heh. (turns around and sees Mr. Turner in front of him)
  • Mr. Turner: (cracks his knuckles) Also mine.

[Crocker shields his face with the flowerpot. Cut to him getting knocked out of the house.]

  • Mr. Turner: (offscreen) And stay out!

[The flowerpot is thrown at Crocker's head. Fade to Mom and Dad sharing a candlelit dinner.]

  • Mr. Turner: This is so much better than sharing our dinner with that creepy teacher! I'm sorry I was so jealous!
  • Mrs. Turner: Oh, that's okay, dear. You just need to be more secure in your masculinity, like me!
  • Mr. Turner: Hit it, Britney!
  • Britney: You got it. (she and her dancers start dancing)
  • Mrs. Turner: (jealously) Hey, wait a minute... Dad never asks me to hit it. (rolls up her sleeve and gets up)

[Seconds later, Britney goes flying out the door.]

  • Mrs. Turner: (offscreen) AND STAY OUT!
  • Britney: Uh! That's it. No more private gigs.

[Fade to Timmy's room.]

  • Timmy: Well, Crocker's gone, my secret's safe, I "doodled" my way to an A+ and I don't have to worry about any more conventions in my bathroom! Right, guys? Guys? Oh no...

[Timmy opens his bathroom door to see a gigantic convention floor, filled with big RVs and yachts all over the place.]

  • Wanda: Welcome to the Secret Fairy RV and Boat Show!
  • Cosmo: (in a yacht) Look at me! I'm seaworthy! Look at the size of my poopdeck! (honks the boat's horn)
  • Mr. Turner: (to Timmy as he holds his nose) Ugh! Jeez, son, if you're going to do that shut the door. (beat) Not mine!

[Iris out on Timmy. The horn honks as the end title card is shown. Fade to black.]


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