[Fade in on Dimmsdale at night. Catman is standing on the edge of a building]
Catman: Another glorious night for fighting crime and standing heroically silhouetted against the moon awaiting a cry for help.
Old Lady: [offscreen] Help! Help! Help!
Catman: And there it is!
Old Lady: [tugging on her purse with a thug] Help! Help!
Catman: Time for Catman to pounce! [he jumps down, then stops in mid-air] Wait. Cats can't fly. [falls]
Old Lady: Help! [Catman falls on her]
Thug: [takes the purse] Thanks, Catman! [zips away]
Catman: You're welcome. [Batman-style transition to thieves running out of Dimmsdale Bank with bags of money. They drive off in a convertible and Catman drives after them] No thief can escape the feline speed of the mighty Catmobile! [a thief activates the nitrous boosters on the convertible, making it go faster. Catman turns on the Catmobile's "super speed afterburners", and the car accelerates and goes off a cliff] The Catmobile doesn't fly either! [falls]
Old Lady: [tugging on her purse with the thug] Help! Help! Help! [the Catmobile falls on her]
Thug: [takes the purse] Thanks again, Catman!
Catman: No sweat! [transition to a crying cat on a tree branch. Catman lands on the branch] Don't worry, frightened friend! Catman will get you [the part of the branch he is on breaks off, and he falls] dooooown! [hits a branch] Tall... [hits a branch] tree. [he falls on the old lady, who is on a bench. Her purse goes flying through the window of a trailer and hits the sleeping thug]
Thug: You're the best, Catman! [transition to the Turners' house in the morning. Timmy is dressed as a knight. Wanda is his horse and Poof is his shield]
Timmy: Dragon! Taste the steel sword of Sir Timmy of Dimmsdalia!
Cosmo: [as the dragon] You're a knight? I'm allergic to knights! Yah... Yah... Yah... [sneezing fire on the others] Yachoo!
Timmy: Okay, remind me next time to wish for a dragon that doesn't breathe fire. [he, Wanda, and Poof crumble. A cat-themed telephone rings] Oh, no, not the "Cat-Phone" again. [cut to Dimmsdale Hospital. Catman is in a full-body cast. Timmy, dressed as a doctor, kicks the door to his room open. Cosmo is his head mirror, Wanda his stethoscope, and Poof his clipboard] Okay, guys. Let's do this!
Doctor: Dr. Turner, thank goodness you're here. He's broken every bone in his body and every bone in that old lady's body. [the old lady is tugging on her purse with the thug]
Timmy: Yes, huh, interesting. I sure wish he was all better and that the old lady had the arms of a bodybuilder. [Wanda magically heals Catman]
Catman: I'm healed! [Cosmo gives the old lady thick muscular arms]
Old Lady: I'm buff! [punches the thug away] Anybody else want a piece of me? [the doctor screams and runs away]
Catman: Timmy, you are the world's finest feline physician ever!
Timmy: Yeah. And now I'm prescribing that you stop fighting crime, stop hurting yourself and old ladies, take two aspirin, and don't call me in the morning.
Catman: But... I can't stop fighting crime. I'm Catman, feline foe to villains and old ladies everywhere!
Timmy: No, you're actor Adam West, who played Catman in a TV series that was cancelled 30 years ago!
Catman: Oh, I know that. [beat] Ooh, look! A chair! [he jumps into the chair, lies in it, and scratches up one of the arms]
Timmy: Okay, guys, [Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof change into fairy form] we got to think of a way to help Captain Crazypants before he seriously gets hurt.
Cosmo: I know! Churros! [poofs up a big churro in Wanda's hands]
Timmy: What made you think of churros?
Cosmo: That's all I ever think about! [he tries to bite the churro, but Wanda tosses it away, and his teeth crack]
Wanda: Timmy, you can't reason with a man who's obsessed with cats... or churros. It just won't work.
Timmy: I know, and I didn't want it to come to this, but as his doctor, I have no choice. [the fairies disguise themselves as before as he walks to Catman] Adam, I've been going over your charts, and I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Catman: Oh, you're not going to say the words spay or neuter, are you?
Timmy: Worse. You're a cat, and as you know, cats have nine lives, [pointing to Poof] but according to these detailed test results, you're down to your last life.
Catman: What? It cat-can't be!
Timmy: It is. So, unless you want to go to that big litter box in the sky, you have to give up crime-fighting... forever. [Catman is worried] Okay, got to go. Bye. [fade to his room. He is dressed as a knight again and riding Wanda, a horse] Chaaaaarge! [dragon Cosmo sneezes churros. Timmy and Wanda scream and come to a halt. The churros knock Timmy to the floor] What the heck was that?
Cosmo: I'm a churro-breathing dragon! That is what you wished for, right?
Timmy: No! But... cool! [eats a churro. Everyone turns back to normal]
Wanda: Timmy, don't you think you were a little hard on Adam?
Timmy: What makes you say that?
Wanda: Look! [she points to Catman sucking his thumb in a dog crate]
Catman: This would be easier if I were declawed. Oh, Timmy, what will I do if I can't fight crime and help the people of our great city of Dimmsdale?
Timmy: Oh, I don't know. Go back to your mansion and read by the pool? [a mouse picks up a churro. Catman picks it up and raises it to his mouth] Don't eat that!
Catman: [takes the mouse out of his mouth] What can I do? I'm lost. I'm lost; I tell you!
Timmy: [putting down his churro] Pounce on this. [leaving] I'll be right back.
Catman: [pounces on the churro] Hmm, just doesn't feel as satisfying somehow.
Timmy: [walks into his bathroom] Okay, what's on the to-wish list today? [Wanda poofs in a scroll]
Wanda: [reading] Noon to 3, we're going to hang out at the secret Swiss tower ski house. Then you said you wanted to check out the moons of Pluto.
Cosmo: And you promised to get us more churros! [Poof giggles]
Timmy: I did?
Cosmo: [swinging a pocket watch in front of him] Yeees, you did!
Timmy: Well, cancel all wishes for today! We got to help an old crime-fighter find an exciting new career! Now, let's roll. [runs out of the bathroom] Adam, what would you say if I could find you a way to help citizens of Dimmsdale as Catman without losing that last life?
Catman: I'd say... "To the Catmobile!" [jumps out the window] Still can't fly! [crashes offscreen. A fishing line hooks Timmy, and he screams as it is reeled back to the living room by Mrs. Turner]
Mrs. Turner: Ooh, careful, sweetie! We've been invaded by mice, and I've set traps everywhere. [the living room is laced with dozens of mousetraps] So I want you to play outside today. But remember, never go anywhere with strange men.
Timmy: Got it! [Catman pulls up outside in the Catmobile. Timmy jumps into it, and Catman drives off. Mr. Turner drives into the garage door]
Mr. Turner: [kicks the passenger door off his car] Oh, honey, I'm home! [he runs into the house, and he and Mrs. Turner shout offscreen as mousetraps snap. Fade to Ocean World]
Timmy: Okay, crime-fighters help people, right? So what is your favorite thing besides crime-fighting?
Catman: Fish. I. Love. Fish.
Timmy: Exactly! And that's why Catman is going to help people learn about fish!
Catman: I love it, Tim-Tim! I think Catman's going to like this new job a lot!
Manager: Okey-dokey, Mr. West. Your main responsibility here at Ocean World will be informing our guests about our conservation program and making sure no kids tap on the glass and disturb these endangered species. [Catman swims after an endangered fish] Oh, my goodness! [runs off]
Timmy: Maybe I didn't think this thing completely through. [cut to a jail, where Catman is being held]
Catman: I don't know why I'm in here. I'm innocent. [burps up a fish skeleton]
Timmy: You're an actor! Not a cat!
Catman: And you're my lawyer. Now get me outta here. [pointing to a dirty toilet] I can't go in that. I use a litter box.
Police Officer: He's being' held without bail for eating the last Comanche pupfish and, uh, for shredding' the back seat in the squad car.
Catman: [chuckles] Cloth seats—I couldn't help myself.
Timmy: Yeah. I wish the charges against my client were dropped. [Wanda, a briefcase, grants the wish. Fade to outside the jail]
Catman: You are the greatest lawyer-slash-doctor in the world! Now, what's plan B for old Catman to get back into the "helping people" game? Ooh, and I have to keep the costume.
Timmy: Game? Costume? I got it! [fade to a football game]
Catman: A team mascot? You sure about this?
Timmy: Think about it. The fans in the stands need help cheering, or their team will lose. That would be a crime. Right?
Catman: And who's there to help them? Catman! Check this out, yo! [dancing] We're going to win! Not later but sooner! And chew 'em all up like a big can of... tuna! Can I get a me-ow?
Audience: Meow! Meow! Meow! [Timmy appears in the audience] Meow!
Wanda: [as cotton candy] Way to go, Timmy. I think you found Adam a career where he can help people and not hurt himself or old ladies.
Cosmo: And look! Here comes the Brightburg Bluebirds' mascot!
Timmy: Did you say "bluebird"?
Catman: Rah, rah, sis-boom— [sees the bluebird mascot and yowls. The mascot screams and runs away]
Mascot: [as Catman attacks him offscreen] Get him off me! [the audience gasps and covers their eyes]
Timmy: I'm going to need my briefcase again. [cut to a judge pounding a gavel. Catman and the mascot are in court] I wish my client was not guilty. [Wanda, the briefcase, grants the wish]
Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. [pounds the gavel]
Catman: Yes! [he and Timmy head out; to the mascot] Oh, I'm not through with you, pal. [leaves the courthouse] I don't know how you do it, Timmy.
Timmy: Just tell me a job you want that doesn't involve crime-fighting, fish, or birds.
Catman: I wouldn't mind getting back on the old' boob tube. [cut to a game show]
Audience: Wheel... of... Cheese!
Catman: And here's your new host... me, Catman!
Timmy: [in the audience] This is great! Adam's back on TV! He's helping people in need of cash and prizes, and cats never attack or maim cheese!
Catman: Now, let's meet our contestants. [contestants in mouse costumes are revealed]
Timmy: They dress as mice?!
Catman: Bill's a computer programmer from— [he turns to the contestants, yowls, and starts attacking them]
Wanda: [as a human] We might want to poof outta here now before the cops get here.
Cosmo: [as a human] And you should wish up more churros too!
Timmy: I wish we were home... with churros. [the fairies grant the wish, changing the scene to mice eating popcorn and jumping in the Turners' wrecked living room]
Mr. Turner: Honey, today's rodents are super intelligent! Mere traps just won't cut it! Which is why I'm surprised the tank didn't work. [cut to Timmy's room]
Catman: It's no use, Timmy. [Timmy and the fairies, goldfish, are eating churros] I might as well just curl up into a little cat-ball and bathe myself with my tongue. [licks his leg]
Timmy: Please don't.
Cosmo: Yummy! Churros dipped in our own filth! They're filth-ilicious! [a mouse grabs a churro on the floor]
Catman: Dude, you got to pick up these churros, or rodents will infest your house. [flings the mouse out the window] Oh, never again will Catman pounce when a citizen in danger cries for help. [grabs four mice carrying churros]
Mr. and Mrs. Turner: [offscreen] Help! Rodents!
Catman: A cry for help! Regarding rodents! [cut to Mr. and Mrs. Turner on a table in the living room]
Mr. Turner: Are there any cat-themed heroes who can save us? [cut to Timmy's room]
Catman: Catman away! [he leaps toward the window but stops in mid-air when Timmy speaks]
Timmy: You can't fly. Take the stairs.
Catman: [landing on the windowsill] Right. Catman taking the stairs! [runs off. Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Turner screaming] Don't worry, scared citizens. Catman is here to save the day and capture the verminous villains! [makes a boombox play action music and opens a pot]Me-ow![mice scream and run away. He starts catching mice in the pot] Snap! Pounce! Scoop! Scoop again! [each of these lines appears onscreen after he says them. Two more mice land in the pot] Ta-da! You're saved! And I've got dinner... for a week!
Mr. Turner: Catman, you're our hero!
Mrs. Turner: The way these rats infested our home, it was a crime.
Mr. Turner: They should call you Ratman, for the way you fought rodents and saved us!
Catman: Hero? Crime? Fight? Help? Should? Home? What else did you say?
Mr. Turner: Um... "way"?
Catman: Way! Catman's happy.
Timmy: Hey... maybe there is a career where Catman can help people and fight crime and not hurt himself!
Wanda: You want us to fill every house in Dimmsdale with churros, which will also fill them with rodents, don't you?
Timmy: Only enough to keep Adam busy for the next 20 years! [cut to a woman's kitchen, which magically fills with churros]
Woman #1: Ah! Churros! [mice appear] Gah! Mice eating churros! [another house fills with churros. The man inside runs out screaming and mice run after him. Two more houses fill with churros and mice]
Woman #2 and Man: Help! Somebody save us! [cut to Catman standing outside]
Catman: Timmy, I know you love having me around, but I must help citizens fight rat-crime!
Timmy: I will miss you, Catman—no, I won't—now get out there and be a hero again!
Catman: Catman, the get-rid-of-your-rat man, away! [he jumps into the Catmobile, now a van called the Rat-Mobile]
Old Lady: [in the passenger's seat] Let's do this!
Catman: [drives off a cliff] Still can't fly. [the Rat-Mobile falls]
Timmy: I wish the van could fly. [Cosmo and Wanda grant the wish]
Catman: [flying into the sunset] Yahoo! [iris out. A mouse runs by] Oh, no, you didn't! [a cat's yowl is heard as the end title card is shown. Fade to black]
