The Big Fairy Share Scare (transcript)

The Big Fairy Share Scare Transcript
(school bell rings)

Timmy:Time for school. And with my awesome, high-tech Timmy suit, I can goof off in Mr. Crocker’s class and look like the perfect student.

Wanda: Sport, wouldn’t it be smarter just to listen and actually learn something?

(Cosmo and Timmy glance at each other, then burst into laughter)

Cosmo: (wipes tear) Oh, please, Wanda. Timmy’s way too cool to be smart. (points down) Worm! (zips down)

(Timmy taps the “activate” button on the Timmy suit)

Timmy Suit:Timmy Suit running system check. Standard school responses. Good morning, Mr. Crocker. Mississippi. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. A potato bug has 12 eyes.

(Timmy Suit opens, Timmy jumps in)

Timmy:(presses button) Yes! A “Catman” marathon. Now I can watch TV while my suit does all the work.

Cosmo: Ooh, Timmy’s robot ear is the perfect place to build a nest. (puts sticks in Timmy Suit’s ear)

Timmy: Cosmo, you hit the awkward grade school dance button!

Timmy Suit: (grunting while dancing) Why? (continues grunting, then crashes through school wall)

School Kids: (screams and runs away)

Timmy: Wow, this went bad fast. (blows fire extinguisher on broken controls)

Timmy Suit: (steam comes out of ear) Good morning, Mr. Crocker.

Mr. Crocker: Well it was, but it’s ruined now because your here, Turner.

Timmy Suit: A potato bug has 12 eyes. Cabbage patch. (starts dancing) Shopping Cart. Hokey Pokey.

Mr. Crocker: I don’t have time for your nutty dance fever right now Turner. Because... (pulls rope, curtains appear and open) Live from Dimmsdale, it’s “The Denzel Crocker Show!” Featuring Mother’s band, The Never Satisfied Five.

Ms. Crocker: (plays instruments) You could’ve been a Doctor.

Mr. Crocker: And you could have been a lot more patient! Get it? Doctor, patient. That’s talk show humor. Anyhoo, it’s time to introduce a brand new student. She’s brilliant, motivated, and won the Nobel Prize for niceness. In other words, she’s the polar opposite of Timmy Turner.

Timmy Suit: M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P

Mr. Crocker: Right on cue, Turner. Please give it up for the new gal.

Chloe: Thank you, Mr. Crocker, but I think the crown’s a little over the top.

Mr. Crocker: Oh, nothing’s too good for the little lass who saved the world from a horrifying monster created by radiation. Roll the clip, Mother.

(Mrs. Crocker turns on TV)

(a crowd is screaming and running from the monster)

Monster: (roars, then roars again) (roars) Man.

Chloe: (pulls out wooden thorn from the monsters foot)

Monster: (roars) Huh? You took the pain away.

Chloe: All you need now, is a hug. (jumps and hugs monster’s tooth) It’s okay, Mr. Radiation Monster. I accept you for who you are: a foul-smelling thing that crawled out of the bay to destroy our city.

Monster: (sobs) You really get me. (cries)

Mr. Crocker: Without further ado, I give you the perfect human, Chloe Carmichael!

Chloe: Hi, everyone. That was just some stuff I did. No big deal. I’ll just take my seat now.

Mr. Crocker: Don’t sit too close to Turner. His astounding lameness may rub off on you.

Timmy Suit: (yelps) (in robotic voice) Oxygen level dropping.

Timmy: Timmy Suit, worst idea ever.

Timmy Suit: Eject. (ejects Timmy) Eject. (walks away)

Mr. Crocker: Aah! It’s the ultimate nightmare scenario. Turner’s multiplying!

Timmy: Okay, Nothing to see here. Moving on.

Chloe: I’m sorry, Mr. President. I’m in class and can’t talk right now. Oh, don’t cry. I’ll call you during nutrition break.

Wanda: (poofs in) I have to say, that Chloe is pretty impressive.

Cosmo: Yeah she’s pretty sharp. Speaking of sharp, my point’s a little dull. (jumps into sharpeners then screams)

Timmy: Chloe’s making the rest of use look like losers. I am not a fan, and believe me, no one else is either.

Chloe: Mr. Crocker, I just checked the school calendar and it’s a parent-teacher conference day, so we shouldn’t even really be here.

(students cheering)

Mr. Crocker:Class dismissed. This is fantastic. I hate school.

(everybody chants “We love Chloe!”)

Chloe: Hey everyone. You want to come over to my house and see my exotic animals I rescued from poachers? I’ve got lemon squares and gift certificates for everybody!

(crowd cheering)

Timmy:Oh let ‘em go. Who cares? ‘Cause I’ve still got something Chloe doesn’t have- my fairies!

Cosmo: You got that right, Timmy. See ya later. Gift certificates are my jam. Especially the ones for Jam.

Wanda: Oh, I’ll stay with you, Sport.

Cosmo: No way, Wanda. You’re good for an extra gift certificate. (flys away)

Timmy Suit: I brought you an apple, Mr. Crocker. (shoots Apple at Timmy.)

Timmy: Aah! Apples hurt.

(scene cuts to Timmy’s home)

Timmy: Finally, I’m home. A place where I don’t have to hear about how everyone loves Chloe. (opens door)

Timmy’s Dad: Oooh, I love Chloe! I love Chloe!

Timmy: You gotta be kidding. How do you even know her?

Timmy’s Dad: She gave me a stock tip, and now I’m filthy rich!

Timmy: Give me a break, Dad.

Timmy’s Dad: Call me Filthy!

Timmy’s Mom: Hi, Timmy. Hi, Filthy.

(harp plays)

Timmy: Mom?

Timmy’s Dad: Are you crazy, Timmy? This beautiful woman is not your mother.

Timmy’s Mom: It is me, dear. Chloe gave me a gift certificate for a makeover. Do you like my new look?

Timmy’s Dad: Yes I do. But don’t tell my wife.

Timmy’s Mom: I am your wife.

Timmy’s Dad: Be gone, you evil temptress. You’re giving me the tingles.

Timmy: Aw, this day can not get any worse. (looks at Chloe’s backyard)

(cheering, then Timmy screams)

Wanda: Hey, Timmy, good news. Chloe is our new neighbor.

Cosmo: Yay! Chloe has a dog with a pocket!

Mr. Crocker: I’m feeding a peacock!

Chloe: Hi, Timmy!

Timmy: (screams) This girl is ruining my life! (slams door, then it falls down on him) Stupid door.

Wanda: You seem a little tense, Sport. You know what might help? One of Chloe’s delicious lemon squares.

Timmy: Oh, why thanks, Wanda. (grunts, then throws lemon square at window, then it hits back) I never wanna hear that girl’s name again.

Cosmo: Oh, you mean Chloe? The wonderful girl who gave me a gift certificate for my new phone? Selfie! Duck lips!

(Cosmo and Wanda do Duck lips)

Timmy: Whatever. I still have one thing she doesn’t. And it’s the best thing ever! Fairies that are all mine.

Jorgen: (poofs in) Surprise, Timmy Turner. Your fairies are no longer all yours.

Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda: What!?

Cosmo: Seriously, What? I wasn’t listening.

Jorgen:Due to overwhelming demand, and fairies taking on better-paying jobs in the fancy candle industry, there is a fairy godparent shortage. So now, Turner, you have to share your fairies with another fairy godkid

Timmy: I have to sh-sh-shoo-

Jorgen: Spit it out, boy. The word is “share”.

Timmy: I’m freaking out here! Just tell me who I have to sh-sh- my fairies with.

Jorgen: She’s super smart, well-behaved, and won the Nobel Prize for niceness.

Timmy: No, no.

Jorgen: She speaks 12 languages, including Dolphin.

Chloe: (dolphin sounds)

Dolphin:(dolphin sounds)

Chloe: It’s Chloe!

Timmy: (starts yelling no)

Cosmo: No!! We’re out of lemon squares!

Timmy:(panting)

(bell dings)

Wanda: Wow, Timmy. That was a 47-hour scream. You broke your record for fruitless panic.

Timmy: I’m not done. I just stopped to take a breath. (inhales) Noo-(gets slapped with wand)

Jorgen: Get a grip, Turner.

Cosmo: Don’t tell Timmy, but I’m secretly excited about being Chloe’s fairy.

Timmy: I am Timmy! And I don’t get it. Everything about Chloe is perfect. Why does she even need fairies?

Jorgen: There’s a reason for everything, Turner. Except for fanny packs. Just have the guts to carry a man-purse! Anyway, becoming a fairy godkid can come as quite a shock. We had better break the news to Chloe gently.

(lifting piccolo music)

(Fairies poof in)

Chloe: (gasps)

Jorgen: Surprise! You’ve got fairies!

Chloe: (screams) Stranger danger! (throws Jorgen and pins him)

Jorgen: Ooh, I like this girl. She’s got spunk. And the heel of her foot on my windpipe.

Chloe: Okay, this is a dream, right? But if it is a dream, you wouldn’t know, because you’d just be part of the dream. And I’d be talking to my imagination. Which is crazy. Am I crazy? Or am I dreaming I’m crazy?

Timmy: Uh, nope, you’re crazy. We’re out of here. Come on, guys.

Jorgen: You are not dreaming, small spunky girl. I’m Jorgen Von Strangle, Head fairy of Fairyworld, here to present you with your very own fairy godparents to grant you your every wish. Chloe, meet Wanda and Cosmo.

Wanda: I’m Wanda.

Cosmo: I’m Wanda. Aw, I practiced that, too.

Chloe: Whoa, Wait, I have fairy godparents? Excuse me, I need a moment alone.

(Chloe yells yes)

Chloe: Sorry, I went a little cray-cray there, but I’m good now. One thing. It feels unfair that I have two fairies. Shouldn’t I share them?

Timmy: Oh, come on!

Jorgen: You are sharing them, with Turner!

Chloe: And technically you don’t have two fairies. It’s more like a fairy and a half.

Cosmo: Ooh, I’m the half. Right, Wanda?

Wanda: Yes, you are, Sweetie.

Cosmo: I knew it!

Jorgen: You kids figure out how to divvy up your fairies. I’m off to the hospital to get my windpipe replaced. (poofs away)

Wanda: So, Chloe, are you ready to make your first wish?

Chloe: First, I just want to say I’m so excited to meet you guys, and-

Timmy: Time’s up. My turn! I wish I was as far away from Chloe as possible.

(Wanda and Cosmo glance at each other, then grant the wish. FAR AWAY!)

(mole people growling)

Timmy:Where are we?

Wanda: Center of the Earth, Timmy. Realm of the hideous mole people. It’s as far from Chloe as possible.

Cosmo: It’s what you wished for, Timmy. You’re welcome. Selfie with the mole people! Duck lips!

(Cosmo, Wanda, and the mole people do Duck lips)

Cosmo: Wanda, take another one of me with the bleached bones of those who came before us.

(Wanda takes picture)

Mole People:(growling)

Cosmo: Quick Wanda, get a shot of me and Timmy as they drag him to the boiling pot!

(Wanda takes photo, then Wanda and Cosmo poof away)

Timmy: (screams) Back! Back! Bad mole.

Cosmo: Here’s the evil mole people seasoning Timmy with a garlic-coriander rub. And here’s my Spanish omelette from yesterday.

Timmy: Thanks a lot guys. I was almost enslaved by human-rodent hybrids!

Cosmo: Oh, you think you’ve got problems. I blinked in my bleached bones selfie.

Timmy: Anyway, I think I know how to handle this sh-sh-shooing. Chloe, just pick the day when you want fairies.

Chloe: Super! I’ll take Friday cause there’s no homework. Although, sometimes I do extra credit. I don’t know what I like better, making wishes or doing extra credit. Ooh, I just don’t know!

Timmy: Stop it! Stop it! You called Fridays! Cosmo, Wanda, I wish there was no such thing as Fridays!

(Cosmo and Wanda glance at each other, then grant the wish. NO FRIDAYS!)

Foop:(cackling) Timmy Turner! Happy The Day Formerly Known as Friday! Once again, your careless wishes have set into motion a chain of events that will result in the ultimate destruction of Earth! Evil laugh! Cackle guffaw! Oh, hello little girl! We are unacquainted as of yet. Here take my card. (throws what seems to be a battarang at the window)

Chloe: “Foop. Enemy of Fairy World. Bringer of woe. Harbinger of doom. Lose weight. Ask me how.” Oh, excuse me, Mr. Foop? You spelled “doom” wrong.

Foop: Oh, thank you for pointing that out. I’ll show my gratitude by making sure you experience a particularly painful death. Sorry, I’m a little cranky. Got a new tooth coming in. (cackling)

(Cosmo and Wanda poof everyone away, YiKES!)

(screaming)

Timmy: How did my little no-Friday wish make all this terrible stuff happen?

Cosmo: Oh, sweet, naive, simple minded Timmy. Don’t you get it? ‘Cause I don’t get it. Wanda?

Wanda: Every Friday, the big wand in Fairy World gets recharged and it’s power protects Dimmsdale from the anti-fairies. Now that Fridays don’t exist, The wand hasn’t been charged.

Cosmo: You lost me at “every”. End of the world selfie! OMG! Think Smiley face emoticon.

Foop:(cackles) All of you, prepare to meet your doom. And feel the wrath of my baba! It’s filled with chocolate milk.. heated to a million degrees! (shoots it)

(Timmy and Chloe scream)

Timmy: Wanda, Cosmo, you still have some magic left in your wands?

Cosmo: I’ve got 2 bars, Timmy. But I think I should save them for an emergency.

Timmy: I wish Fridays existed again!

Foop:(cackles)

(they scream)

(Timmy and Chloe scream again)

Jorgen: First of all, let it be Friday again.

(FRiDAY PoOF!)

All: Yay! T.G.I.F!

Jorgen: Secondly, Turner, you need to accept the fact you’re sharing your fairies, or you can revisit your little furry friends.

(growling)

Timmy:(screams) Okay, fine, I’ll do the thing I can’t say. But I want something to replace my fairies when they’re with Chloe. I wish for a fairy-bot that will do all the stuff I don’t want to do.

Wanda: Boy, that’s a whole lot of stuff.

Timmy: Just do it!

(Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands, FAIRY BOT!)

Fairy-Bot: Hello, Timmy Turner. I am Fairy-bot. Would you like me to gently brush your hair!

Timmy: What, No, ew. Definitely not.

Fairy-Bot: Let’s go. Time for your bath.

Timmy: Uh, guys?

Chloe: Aw, I feel sorry for Timmy. It’s so hard for him to share. I guess sharing’s hard for everybody. (gasps) Ooh, that’s a good idea for my first wish. Ready, guys?

Cosmo and Wanda: Ready, Chloe.

Chloe: I wish everyone in Dimmsdale would share everything.

Wanda: Aw, that’s lovely, Chloe. A wish that will make the world a better place.

(SHARING POOF!)

(whining)

Vicky: Huh, I just got the urge to share my chainsaw.

Masked Man: Thanks.

(Vicky and Masked Man laugh maniacally)

Timmy: Okay, Fairy-bot. I’m clean already. It’s snack time. Give me some pizza.

Fairy-bot: Malfunction. Malfunction. Malfunction.

(Timmy screams)

Chet Ubetcha: This is Chet Ubetcha with breaking news. As if by magic, suddenly everyone in Dimmsdale is sharing everything. In other news, This scary man in a hockey mask wants to share my desk. Which is okay by me!

Timmy’s Dad: Oh, Timmy! That foxy she-devil that lives with us now shared her beauty tips with me!

Timmy’s Mom: And he shared his money.

Timmy’s Dad: Don’t tell my wife. Ooh, I’m so pretty! I’m giving me the tingles!

Timmy: Huh, I’ve seen my dad in a dress before, but I’ve never seen him sh-sh-sh his money. And I suddenly have the urge to give away all my video WWgames. Wait! I feel like sh-sh-shooing. What’s happening? Cosmo! Wanda! Did Chloe make some kind of crazy, goody-two-shoes wish?

Wanda: She made a perfectly lovely wish that everyone would share everything.

Timmy: Oh, that can’t end well.

(screaming)

Mr. Crocker: Thanks for sharing your car, Mrs. and Mrs. Turner. In return, I’d like to share Mother! I’ve been blessed with the gift of giving!

Ms. Crocker: Oh, Denzel!

Mr. Crocker: (laughs, then drives away)

Timmy: Oh, boy. Chloe really blew it with this wish.

Cosmo: Preach it, Timmy. ‘Cause you never made a wish that went horribly wrong.

Fairy-bot: Bath time!

(screaming)

(Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda fall)

Timmy: Enough is enough! I unwish Chloe’s wish.

Wanda: You can’t Sport. It’s against the rules for a fairy godkid to unwish another fairy godkid’s wish.

Timmy: Chloe! Unwish your nut job wish!

Chloe: That’s a little judgy. It was a good wish. Everyone’s just in sort of a transitional period while they adjust to the idea of being, you know, a little less selfish.

(truck beeps and takes Chloe’s House)

Chloe: Hey! That’s my house! That weirdo is stealing my house! Okay, I admit it. It was a nut job wish. I should have done a little more thinking before I made it.

Timmy: Take it from me, thinking doesn’t solve anything.

Cosmo: Amen, brother!

Timmy: Just unwish your wish!

Chloe: Okay! Wanda, and Cosmo, I wish everything was back to the way it was before I made my wish.

Man:I think I’ll share this fire hydrant. We don’t have one on our block.

Mole Boss: People of the daylight, prepare to share your bounty! And your bleached bones!

(screaming)

Chloe: Oh, no. It’s happening again. I try to do something good and I end up making a big mess.

Timmy: What are you talking about? You’re Little Miss Perfect.

Wanda: Not exactly, Sport. Roll the clip.

It’s okay, Mr. Radiation Monster. I accept you for who you are: a foul-smelling thing that crawled out of the bay to destroy our city.

Monster: (sobs) You really get me. (cries) And now that my foot is healed, I can destroy the city! (roars) Man!

Chloe: See? I try too hard to fix things and I end up annoying people, destroying cities, and then no one wants to be my friend.

Timmy: Oh, come on. That’s not true.

Chloe: Really? Do you want to be my friend?

Timmy: Uh, sure,

Cosmo: That’s not what you told me, Timmy. Roll the clip.

Timmy: I will never be Chloe’s friend!

(Cosmo with a Duck bill is humming)

Timmy: I was talking about a different Chloe. Uh, Chloe Van... NotYouwitz. Anyway, sorry I hurt your feelings. And I understand why you have fairies now. Your life isn’t so perfect after all.

Chloe: (laughs) I can be kind of a train wreck. You know, sometimes I just want to be a regular, average kid. Maybe then people would understand me.

Timmy: Well, I am just an average kid who no one understands.

(mole people growl)

Chloe: Help!

Timmy: Gotcha!

Chloe: Wow, Timmy. You saved me. That was so brave.

Timmy: Well, I am kind of a hero. Nothing scares me!

Timmy-Bot: I brought you an apple, Mr. Crocker. (shoots an Apple, and it hits Timmy, making him fall)

Timmy: Aah, I’m scared!

Chloe: Ooh, Ooh! I’m coming, Timmy! Boy, that’s a long way down. I better energize myself with a healthy snack. Ooh, kale’s a super food.

Timmy: Still falling! Aah! (crys)

Chloe: Don’t cry, Timmy. I’ve got you.

Timmy: I’m not crying. Someone must be peeling an onion down here.

Chloe: Come on, Timmy. Hop on my back and I’ll rappel us back up!

(screaming)

Chloe: Cosmo! Wanda! To reiterate, I wish everything was back to the way it was before I made my wish

(BACK BEFORE!)

Timmy: We went too far back!

Cosmo: My bad. You really gotta spell things out with me. Remember, I’m the half.

Chloe: Okay, here’s the deal. I wish everything was back to the way it was just before I made my wish.

(BACK TO NORMAL POOF!)

Timmy’s Dad: Oh, Timmy! Good news; This foxy siren is actually your mother! I know! I didn’t believe it either.

Timmy: Really, Dad? How’d you figure it out?

Timmy’s Mom: I made him lunch.

Timmy’s Dad: And it was so uniquely terrible that I knew it had to be her! Oh, I’m so happy she’s back! (sobbing) Oh, my mascara’s running. I’m a piping hot mess! (crys)

Chloe: You know what? I think I’m officially done with wishes. You can have your fairies back, Timmy.

Cosmo: Don’t tell Timmy, but I’m secretly disappointed.

Timmy: I am Timmy! And there’s no reason to be disappointed. Because of your wish, Chloe, I had a pretty exciting day. And from now on, I’m actually going to sh-sh-share my fairies with you.

Chloe: Really? Excuse me, I need a moment alone. (screams yes) Okay, I’m good now. (giggles) Timmy, we could be BFFs! We could hang out, do homework, community service! Ooh, community service really gets me jazzed.

Timmy: Okay, tap the brakes a little, Chloe.

Cosmo: BFF selfie. Duck lips!

Timmy’s Dad: Photobomb. Quack! Hey, who bought this fancy candle?

THE END