A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner! (transcript)

Note: Text highlighted in red indicates scenes and dialogue shown only in the original broadcast.


 * [The movie opens on a slow pan across Timmy's bedroom, during which we can see some yo-yos, plastic toys, and a picture of Timmy and his parents on his tenth birthday. Over in their fishbowl, Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof, in their goldfish forms, are sleeping when they suddenly wake up and poof into their normal forms, floating above Timmy as he is sleeping in his bed.]
 * Wanda: He's so cute when he sleeps!
 * Cosmo: Our little angel!
 * Wanda: Shh, don't wake him up!
 * Both: [as their crowns turn into party hats] Happy birthday, Timmy!
 * Timmy: [wakes up] Wanda? Cosmo? What are you guys, crazy?
 * Wanda: You're a grown man still wearing horsey pajamas and you're asking us if we're crazy?
 * Cosmo: Crazy with excitement!
 * Both: Happy 23rd birthday, Timmy Turner! [produce confetti falling around Timmy]
 * Timmy: Whoa! Thanks, guys!
 * Wanda: Go ahead, Poof. Give it to him.
 * [Poof shakes his rattle and a present appears on Timmy's lap]
 * Timmy: Thanks, Poof!
 * Poof: Poof-poof.
 * Timmy: [shakes the present] But you know what I'd really love, is to get those first words out. Come on, buddy. Let's hear them. What are they, Poof? Come on!
 * Poof: [starts trying to speak]
 * Wanda: I think he's going to do it!
 * Poof: [belches]
 * Timmy: Well, maybe next time. [starts opening the present]
 * Cosmo: Open it quick! It's from me! If you like it, that is.
 * Timmy: [pulls a sword out of the present box] Oh, a sword?
 * Cosmo: [aside to Wanda as she cleans Poof's mouth] I hope he likes it!
 * Timmy: Wait, you mean--?
 * Cosmo and Wanda: BIRTHDAY PIRATE BATTLE!
 * [A pirate ship breaks out of Timmy's closet and a group of pirates barge in. Timmy begins swordfighting with them.]
 * Timmy: Avast, ye salty peanuts!
 * Wanda: Yikes!
 * Cosmo: To the right! To the left! Everything you own in a box to the left!
 * Poof: Poof-poof!
 * [As Timmy takes down three of the pirates, the pirate captain comes up behind him.]
 * Cosmo and Wanda: Behind you!
 * [Timmy dodges the pirate captain but gets pinned in front of his bed.]
 * Timmy: A little help, guys?
 * [The Cosmas poof Timmy's sword back in his hands before the captain can strike with his.]
 * Cosmo: If you die, can I have your bike?
 * [The pirate captain knocks Timmy's sword away, but Timmy kicks him, causing him to toss his sword in the air. Timmy grabs it.]
 * Wanda: Nice one, Timmy!
 * Pirate captain: [shrugs sheepishly]
 * Timmy: Boo!
 * Pirate captain: [falls onto the pile of his men] You're a worthy adversary, Timmy Turner. Happy birthday!
 * Timmy: Thanks! See you guys next birthday.
 * Pirates: Arrr! [disappear]
 * Timmy: Yep, my birthdays just keep getting better every year, thanks to you guys!
 * Wanda: Don't we always have the best time?
 * Cosmo: I can't tell time! [winks]
 * [A lightning bolt suddenly appears behind Timmy, and he turns around to see Jorgen standing behind him.]
 * Jorgen: Timmy Turner! This is the last birthday party you and your fairies will ever have together! [gives Timmy a present] By the way, happy birthday.
 * Timmy: [opening his present] Da Rules? [tosses the gift box away, and it knocks Cosmo against the wall]
 * Jorgen: Yes! And look at this, right here! Page 14-38, paragraph 3, subsection D!
 * Timmy: [reading] "A godchild loses his fairies when he grows up..." Not me.
 * Cosmo and Wanda: Yay!
 * Timmy: "...he leaves home..." Not me.
 * Cosmo and Wanda: Yeah!
 * Timmy: "...or experiences life's true magic [Jorgen smirks] - love." [Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof gasp]
 * Jorgen: Well?
 * Timmy: Again, not me. The only girl I've ever kissed was Tootie. It was thirteen years ago, it was forced upon me, and I did not enjoy it.
 * Cosmo: Look out!
 * [A thought balloon of young Tootie making a kissy face appears beside Timmy's head; Timmy, Cosmo, and Jorgen all grimace at it, while Poof swallows his rattle and Wanda makes him spit it back out]
 * Timmy: Anyway, she moved away and no one ever saw her again. So, love - not even an issue.
 * Wanda: [holds up a Love Meter] True! According to Timmy's Love Meter, he's not in love!
 * Jorgen: This is not a game! The longer you keep Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof, the more you put them in danger of being exposed or captured.
 * Timmy: Like I said, not an issue! Relax; have some cake.
 * Jorgen: Keep your cake for the inevitable fairy-go-bye-bye party! I will find a way. I will make you grow up! I am Jorgen, the most powerful fairy ever!! [laughs and disappears]
 * Cosmo: Can I have some cake?
 * [Later, Timmy is sitting down in the kitchen, pouring himself a bowl of Corn Shooters cereal, when his parents come up, giggling and carrying gift boxes.]
 * Mr. and Mrs. Turner: Happy birthday, Timmy!
 * Timmy: [opens his dad's gift box] The want ads?
 * Mr. Turner: [gasps] Really? Ooh! They need unskilled workers at that new dynamite factory! Sounds exciting and dangerous!
 * Mrs. Turner: Quick, open mine! [Timmy opens her gift box] Oooooh, home rental listings! Ooooh!
 * Mr. Turner: Ooh!
 * Mrs. Turner: Ooh, look here! "Quaint two-bedroom, perfect for starting a family or simply moving out of your parents' house! [she and Mr. Turner giggle]
 * Timmy: This is the same stuff you guys got me last year. [his parents giggle again] I know it sounds way too good to be true, but I'm never leaving you guys, [his parents stop smiling] I'm never getting a job, and I'm never getting married. I just love you both way too much. Love, love, love, love, love.
 * Mr. Turner: Well, ha! You have to leave! Because your mother and I just sold the house! We're finally going on our dream vacation around the world!
 * [Mr. and Mrs. Turner zip away and return wearing explorer clothes and carrying suitcases.]
 * Timmy: Well, what can I say? [As he speaks, Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof appear, hiding on a nearby photo of Timmy and his parents on his 21st birthday.] I really wish you hadn't sold the house.
 * Cosmo and Wanda: Ha!
 * [Mr. and Mrs. Turner suddenly hear tires squealing outside and rush to the front porch. Outside, a realtor lady arrives, replacing the "Dimmsdale Realty - SOLD" sign with one that says "NOT SOLD ANYMORE".]
 * Realtor lady: Sorry!
 * Mrs. Turner: Ohh!
 * Timmy: [comes out, putting on his bike helmet] Gotta go. Love you guys, love school, never leaving! Love, love, love, love, love! [gets on his bike and rides off]
 * Mr. and Mrs. Turner: [crying] Why won't our son grow up!??
 * [Timmy rides his bike past the Dimmsdale Park, which is shown to be in rotten shape. He then goes over a ramp and ends up crashing into a sign right outside Vicky's Day Care. A bunch of kids wearing prison uniforms and holding squirtable string cheese containers rush out to see what happened. Suddenly, Vicky herself comes out as well.]
 * Vicky (29 years old): Well, look who it is trashing my day care center - the biggest twerp in Dimmsdale, Timmy Turner!
 * Timmy: Yeecch. Icky Vicky. [kids giggle] Still molding young minds, I see.
 * [The kids start shaking their squirtable cheese containers]
 * Vicky: Don't you shake your ba-bas at me! It's not snack time till I say it's snack time!
 * Timmy: And nothing enhances snacktime like moldy rotten string cheese in your ba-bas, huh kids?
 * [The kids start squirting their string cheese at Vicky. Timmy gets back on his bike and rides away.]
 * Vicky: Aaaaahhh! Aaaaahhh! This isn't over, Timmy Turner!
 * [Cut to later, at Dimmsdale Elementary School. We see an establishing shot of the building and then cut to Denzel Crocker's classroom. Crocker is writing "X = YYY is Timmy Turner still in my class?" on the chalkboard; he snaps the chalk dotting the question mark and turns around.]
 * Mr. Crocker: Riddle me this, class! How does a 23-year-old man still manage to stay in the fifth grade all these years? How does he do it? How is it even possible, hmmm?
 * Katie: Oh boy, here we go.
 * Mr. Crocker: Yes! [snaps fingers] Now I remember! He has... [students gasp and cover their ears] ...FAIRY GODPARENTS!! FAIRY GODPARENTS!! FAIRY GODPARENTS!! Ohh...
 * Timmy: Well, I've been in this class for thirteen years. How come no one's ever seen these fairy godparents?
 * Mr. Crocker: Oh, they will, Turner. See, I know you're remaining childlike in order to keep your FAIRIES! But I'll play along with your game, 'cause soon I will catch them. And then, it will be I, Mr. Denzel Crocker, who will be making the wishes around here!!! [the students stare at him] Heh. Go on... make a wish. I dare you.
 * Timmy: OK. [Cosmo, Wanda and Poof appear as the badges on Timmy's backpack] I wish you had the atomic runs.
 * Mr. Crocker: [makes uncomfortable noises] Oooh. I need to use the restroom. Silent study until I return! Enjoy this one, Turner... because it will be your last. Oy! [dashes for the door and into the hallway] Make way! Coming through!
 * Timmy: Silent study? Boring! Who would rather play dodgeball?
 * Students: Yeah!
 * [CW&P make a seemingly unending supply of dodgeballs come jumping out of Timmy's backpack. Timmy and the kids all start tossing the balls around and out of the classroom, catching the attention of the Hall Monitor.]
 * Hall Monitor: Hall passes, people! Hall passes! [one of the balls knocks him down] Ow! Ow! Ow!
 * [Timmy comes out of the classroom, accompanied by four of his classmates - Mouse, Howie, Katie, and Ravi.]
 * Katie: Best day ever! Crocker has diarrhea.
 * Ravi: And school has let out early due to impending tornadoes...
 * Howie: ...when it's totally sunny out! Crazy, huh, Mouse?
 * Timmy: Crazy? If gettin' out of school early on my birthday and having more time to be a kid is crazy, well then people, strap me in a straightjacket!
 * Katie, Ravi, and Howie: Later, Timmy.
 * Mouse: See ya.
 * [Timmy goes to his locker and puts his jacket into his backpack. Unbeknownst to him, Jorgen is hiding in the locker on the opposite side of the hall, holding a bow-and-arrow.]
 * Jorgen: I told you I would find a way to get you to grow up, and I finally did - Cupid's Love Arrows! A shot from one of these puppies, and Timmy will fall in love with the first things he sees. Then he'll be grown up and must give back the fairies! [one of the dodgeballs hits the door of the locker he's hiding in, slamming it shut and causing him to misfire the arrow] Ugh!
 * [The arrow hits the Hall Monitor. He turns around and falls in love with a nearby kid in a school mascot costume.]
 * Hall Monitor: You're mine forever. I'll love you till the end of time! [starts chasing the mascot]
 * Timmy: I love school. Love, love, love, love.
 * Jorgen: I hate you, Timmy Turner!
 * [Cut to later. Timmy is riding his bike outside the Dimmsdale Park again when he hears his iPhone ringing. He answers it and CW&P appear, crammed in the iPhone's screen.]
 * Timmy: Hey guys.
 * Cosmo: We're so proud of you, Timmy!
 * Wanda: We'll always be together.
 * Timmy: You got that right! There's nothing in this world that I'd ever give you guys up for.
 * [Suddenly, Timmy sees a beautiful raven-haired girl in a blue peace symbol shirt walking by; it is Tootie, but he does not recognize her yet. He is so lovestruck by her that he doesn't see where he's going and collides with a mailbox, falling off his bike.]
 * Cosmo: Timmy! Are you okay?
 * Timmy: Yeah.
 * Cosmo: Good! Then can we do it again? It was fun!
 * Poof: Hee-hee-hee!
 * Timmy: Yeah sure, I just--
 * [Near by, the Mayor is standing on a podium, addressing a crowd of citizens. Chester and A.J. are among them, standing by a hot dog stand.]
 * Mayor: As the Mayor of Dimmsdale, it is my honor to introduce the president and CEO of Magnate Power - Mr. Hugh J. Magnate Jr.
 * [The crowd applaud as Magnate takes the stand. The Mayor takes hold of Chompy the Goat's leash.]
 * Magnate: Thank you, your honor. That's quite a handsome, uh, goat you've got there.
 * [Magnate's secretary, Janice, begins playing some instrumental music to accompany Magnate's speech.]
 * Magnate: Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, ever since daddy slapped a shovel in my little hand, I have been looking for fuel to run our everyday lives. And so, when my high-tech thermal satellites detected a massive untapped combustible resource field under the city, I decided to come here to Dummsdale and... see for myself. [laughs]
 * Janice: Dimmsdale.
 * Magnate: What?
 * Janice: Dimmsdale.
 * Magnate: Well, whatever. Dim, Dumm, what difference does it make? By the time I'm done with the place, you're gonna want to change its name to Stinking-Richdale! [laughs and the crowd applauds again]
 * [Tootie approaches the crowd in front of Magnate. Behind her, Timmy follows, accompanied by CW&P, and hides behind a bulldozer.]
 * Cosmo: Timmy, what are we doing?
 * Magnate: [steps down from behind the podium] Thank you, thank you. Please. May I present... [unveils a model of an oil well] the Magnate Oil Well Hotel, to be built on the site of this grotty, stinky, yucky, pokey little park. It will produce 1,000 jigabots of filthy yet reasonably affordable energy and provide decent room service.
 * [Magnate laughs and everyone applauds again. Cosmo and Poof begin to applaud too.]
 * Cosmo: Yay!
 * [Wanda glares at them, making them stop. Nearby, Chester and A.J. notice Timmy hiding behind the bulldozer.]
 * Chester: Look who it is - Mr. Never Grew Up, Timmy Turner.
 * A.J.: He's checkin' us out!
 * Chester: Just like the ladies.
 * [Two girls nearby groan at them.]
 * A.J.: Yeah, that's right, Timmy T. Looks like A.J.'s all grown up and stylin' in a brand-new argyle sweater.
 * Chester: And me, professional security expert, fighting crime with my smarty melon and multiple keys on a retractable wire! [bites into his sandwich, causing ketchup to spill on A.J.'s sweater] He's just jealous.
 * Magnate: So folks, are you ready to tear down this crummy little park and make way for the future?
 * [The crowd cheers and applauds again. Cosmo is about to do the same, but Wanda glares at him again.]
 * Wanda: Timmy's staring at that girl!
 * Cosmo: I'll give him a slushee! [makes a slushee appear in Timmy's hand] See? It worked! [Timmy starts sipping the slushee and continues staring at Tootie] Oh wait, he's still staring.
 * Tootie: There's nothing wrong with the old Dimmsdale! And there's nothing wrong with the Dimmsdale Dogwood...
 * [Magnate snaps his fingers and his two goons start chasing Tootie. Timmy watches as she flips over a police line barrier and rushes towards the dogwood tree.]
 * Timmy: Nice move!
 * Tootie: [chains herself to the dogwood] ...the tree I grew up with and climbed in this very park!
 * Magnate: Listen, sister Suzie Saffron Wheat-Grassgulper, whatever your tree-hugging name is, you don't wanna mess around with Hugh J. Magnate Jr. So why don't you just toddle off to your yurt or wherever home is.
 * Tootie: This is home. I was raised right here in Dimmsdale! And the name's not Saffron Sippin' Wheat-Grass Gurglin' anything, it's Tootie!
 * [Timmy does a spit take and Cosmo and Wanda's eyes pop]
 * Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda: Tootie!?
 * Cosmo: Here it comes again!
 * [A thought balloon of young Tootie giggling appears beside Timmy's head]
 * Magnate: I suggest you move your conifer-kissing keister, missy.
 * Tootie: Not gonna happen. Not if you're gonna knock down this tree.
 * Magnate: Well, have it your way. Boys! Tear it down.
 * Timmy: She is awesome!
 * Cosmo and Wanda: Awesome?!
 * [Magnate's men start driving their bulldozers towards the dogwood. Timmy approaches Magnate.]
 * Timmy: Hey, you can't tear down that tree with a girl chained to it!
 * Magnate: Don't get your knickers in a bunch, pimple-monkey! She'll move; they always do. [Janice stares at him] Well, they usually do.
 * [The bulldozers get closer to the dogwood, and Tootie begins to whimper. Timmy gets down on his knees, as if to tie his shoes, and whispers to CW&P.]
 * Timmy: I wish the bulldozers would break down!
 * [The bulldozers stop just inches away from Tootie and the dogwood.]
 * Magnate: Well, what are you waiting for? Don't just sit there. Use chainsaws instead!
 * [Magnate's men get out of the bulldozers and approach the Dogwood with chainsaws.]
 * Timmy: I wish the chainsaws were balloons!
 * [The chainsaws are turned into the balloons.]
 * Cosmo: Up, up, and away!
 * [Everyone starts laughing.]
 * Timmy: I wish Chompy the Goat would eat Magnate's pants.
 * [Chompy starts eating Magnate's pants. The crowd starts laughing at him.]
 * Magnate: What's happening, Janice?
 * Janice: Um, the mayor's goat just ate your pants, sir.
 * Magnate: [looks down to see this] So it did.
 * Tootie: Oh. Well, it looks like the Dimmsdale Dogwood lives to see another day.
 * Timmy: Tootie? Wow, I-I-I-I gotta tell ya, that was incredible!
 * Tootie: Timmy Turner. [giggles] Look at you! You haven't changed a bit. Not even a little.
 * Timmy: Where have you been?
 * Tootie: Oh you know, just traveling the world, making a difference, and trying to help helpless creatures. What have you been up to?
 * Timmy: Oh, uh, I'm still in school.
 * Tootie: Wow, an educated man. And look at this - you show up, and all these amazing things happen. It's like magic!
 * Timmy: M-magic? [Cosmo, Wanda, and Poof whistle innocently] No, no no. Me? No magic. No, not here. You kidding? Come on, no no no no.
 * Tootie: Well, it's great to see you.
 * [They share a hug. Cosmo and Wanda notice the Love Meter is rising, gasp, and cover Poof's eyes. Timmy then suddenly pulls out of the embrace.]
 * Timmy: Daah! Aah. Aah.
 * Tootie: What's the matter?
 * Timmy: Uh, uh, sunburn on my back. No hugs till, till it heals, doctor said. Gotta go! [leaves]
 * Cosmo: He is soooo smooth.
 * [Tootie waves at Timmy as he leaves.]