Bad Heir Day (transcript)

(Episode begins at the Crockers' house)


 * Mrs. Crocker: Happy Birthday, Denzel. Make a wish. (birthday wish goes whoo)


 * Denzel Crocker: I wish I could get out of this high chair.


 * Mrs. Crocker: Well, you can't always get what you wish for.


 * Denzel Crocker: The point you made clear with these birthday presents, Mother. More wax for my hump, new glasses, a white shirt and black tie.


 * Mrs. Crocker: Don't forget your other gift.


 * Denzel Crocker: Oh, right. A visit from Bobo, the discount clown. No offense, Bobo.


 * Bobo: Whatever. (munches on birthday cake)


 * Denzel Crocker: Now, if you excuse me, it's time for my annual birthday tradition of making a list of gifts for next year that I actually want! (falls off chair) Number 1: To make them pay. Number 2: To show them all. Number 3: A jet ski. Hmm, something's missing.


 * Mrs. Crocker: You might want to add "move out, get a high-paying job, or family of your own."


 * Denzel Crocker: Mother! In your total disregard of my feelings you've hit the nail on the head, a family of my own! Oh, picture it, a child molded by me to someday rule the Crocker Empire! (flag falls) Gyaah! Look out, world. I'm making a new birthday wish. Pttt.

(Cuts to outside with Timmy and Poof going to the park. Birds in the sky, while they dance.)


 * Timmy: This pogo stick and matching pogo stroller was a genius idea. No wonder Cosmo and Wanda let me take you to the park, Poof. I'm a great babysitter. Here we are at the safe, responsible park. Boring! Now, here we are passing the safe, responsible park, and going to the more exciting Rabid Animal Zoo. (alligators snarl) Dynamite Museum. (Timmy and Poof step on the ledge and blow up the museum) And Super Spooky Loch Dimmsdale, home of the Loch Dimmsdale Monster. (Timmy and Poof shiver) I'm the best babysitter ever.


 * Poof: Poof, poof.

(Cuts back to the Crockers' house)


 * Denzel Crocker: Now, what's the best way to get an heir? (mirror shatters) I suppose marriage is out. Okay, think, Denzel. Use your genius. Ha, I know! (picks up a flamingo) Fly, Mr. Stork, bring me a child! (the bird bumps into the closed window and falls off) Sorry, I've probably should have opened the window first. (opens the window, but the bird shows up and attacks him) No, no, storkie! (the bird throws him out of the house) As mother says, if you want something bad enough, you make it happen yourself. Or better yet, steal it from a government lab. Presenting the Crockbot 9000. Come to daddy, son.


 * Crockbot 9000: You're not the boss of me. Systems armed. (blasts Denzel with his systems)


 * Denzel Crocker: You're crusing for a time-out, mister! (the Crockbot 9000 blasts him again) Finding an heir is going to be harder than I thought. (the Crockbot 9000 mutters)

(Cuts back outside with Timmy and Poof)


 * Timmy: Woo-hoo! I rock at babysitting. (Poof bounces out of the stroller)


 * Poof: Wee! (blows into the Crockers' house) (laughs)


 * Denzel Crocker: What was that noise? (Poof has the white shirt and black tie, glasses, and hump wax) Someone trying to steal my birthday presents? (holds Poof) Well, hands off my hump wax, buster! Oh, it's only a baby. (gasps) A baby! At last, an heir to the Crocker Empire! Thank you, birthday candle! (kisses Poof)


 * Poof: Poof, poof?

(Cuts back outside with Timmy, but no Poof)


 * Timmy: I've haven't heard a peep from you, Poof. Did you have fun playing? (notices Poof is not in the stroller and babbles)

(Cuts back to the Crockers' house with Denzel playing with Poof and Poof laughs while he is bouncing him and Poof floats)


 * Denzel Crocker: Wow, baby's float! Who knew? I have so much to learn. Okay, Denzel Jr. I mean, D.J, time to teach you to be a man, the Crocker way! (cuts to outside with Denzel Crocker and Poof with a helmet on his head) Hmm, I don't know what this oblong projectile is called, but I've seen other fathers toss it at their kids, so. (Denzel throws it at Poof and Poof throws back into Denzel Crocker's face) Ooh, a jock in the family. I bet you get a college scholarship playing oblong ball. (bird comes back and attacks Denzel Crocker) Ahh, no, storkie! (cuts back to the Crockers' house) And that's how real men shave, in the dark, with a really sharp blade. Go ahead, son. Your turn. (Denzel turns the light and Poof shaves Crocker with the blade) (Denzel Crocker screams) Close. (cuts outside with Denzel Crocker and Poof in a car) Now, let's teach you to drive. Once around the block, son.


 * Poof: Poof, poof. (drives the car around while Crocker screams)


 * Denzel Crocker: Ahh! Mother, help! Perfect, tomorrow we'll try parallel parking. (cuts to Timmy hammering up missing Poof posters)


 * Timmy: There, all the missing Poof posters are hung. Now, I just got to figure where I lost Poof. First, we went to the Rabid Animal Zoo. Oh, no! Poof's in with the rabid alligators! I'll save you, Poof! (jumps on the alligators to get a ball, but it's not Poof) (alligators snarl) Ha, ha. Suppose you rabid gators want your ball back, huh. Fetch! (the ball goes on the wall and back to Timmy) (the alligators attack Timmy and Timmy screams)

(Cuts back to the Crockers' house while Denzel Crocker blows paint on a paper)


 * Denzel Crocker: Okay, D.J. Now that you have singed a confidentiality agreement, I can finally introduce you to the family business... (shines a flashlight on his face) fairy hunting.


 * Poof: Poof, poof.


 * Denzel Crocker: (shines the flashlight in Poof) Exactly. To the Crocker Cave! (Denzel Crocker and Poof go in the cave) Welcome to your destiny, son. Someday, all of this will be yours. Unless, of course, the Norwegians find it. (Poof goes towards pictures of Timmy)


 * Poof: Timmy.


 * Denzel Crocker: Why, yes. That's my mortal enemy, Timmy Turner. You're a natural at this, D.J. Just like your old man. (starts to sob) Having a son is the bee's knees. (cuts back outside with Timmy attacked)


 * Timmy: Okay, next I brought Poof to the Dynamite Museum. Ahhh! Poof! (tries to get Poof, but it's a balloon and the museum blows up) (Timmy bounces out the museum) Not Poof. (balloon pops) (cuts back to the Crockers' house and Crocker points the shooter at Poof)


 * Denzel Crocker: "Give up, fairy! I've got you now." is what you say when you cornered a fairy. Time for your next lesson. You're going to want to lay low for this one, son. (Poof floats, but Denzel holds him down, but Poof floats again) Hitting your rebellious phase already, eh? Well, suit yourself. Behold, D.J,t his is my high text fairy crusher. (shows a whale) It's a known fact that fairies love rump roasts, and when an unsuspecting fairy takes a nibble on mother's rump, they'll be flattened like a fairy pancake.


 * Poof: Whee! (shoots the rump and flattens Denzel Crocker and he screams) (uses his rattle to lift the whale)


 * Denzel Crocker: Mother never helps me lift a whale. You're the best son ever! (reveals a van for Denzel Crocker and his son) And now for your final phase for your training, D.J. We're going into the field for the holy grial of fairy hunting... (shines the flashlight into his face again) Timmy Turner's house. Boy, this flashlight practially paid for itself. (Denzel Crocker and Poof ride to Timmy's house) (cuts to Spooky Loch Dimmsdale)


 * Timmy: And last, Poof and I came here to Spooky Loch Dimmsdale... (shivers) to look for the Loch Dimmsdale Monster. (travels underwater) Oh, no. I'll save you, Poof! (tries to pick it up, but it's the Loch Dimmsdale Monster)Ahhh! (the Loch Dimmsdale Monster swallows Timmy) (cuts to the Turners' house)


 * Wanda: This sure has been a relaxing day. It was nice of Timmy to take Poof to the park so we can go flamenco dancing.


 * Cosmo: I thought you said flamingo dancing. (poofs up a flamingo) My bad. No, storkie! (the bird attacks Cosmo) (Denzel Crocker and Poof show up at the Turners' house)


 * Denzel Crocker: Son, catching your first fairy is a magical moment you'll never forget. Or so I'm told. (the bird continues to attack Cosmo as shown in the window)


 * Poof: Dada.


 * Denzel Crocker: That's right. Son, hearing you call me Dada is the highlight of my life. I can't wait to watch up grow up to catch fairies with you and someday walk into a restaurant together and say the words I've never said before: "Table for Two." (holds up two fingers) Behold, D.J, the ultimate weapon in the war on fairies, the Crocker pot. (holds it up) Not only it captures magical creatures, but it makes a mean batch of chili. Now to set my phaser for simmer. (the Crocker pot zaps Poof while Denzel screams)


 * Poof: (inside pot) Poof, poof.


 * Denzel Crocker: Good gravy, it worked! It's caught one of Turner's fairies. Son, I'm so glad I can share this historic moment with you. (notices Poof is not there) Son? D.J? Denzel Jr.? Oh, no. (takes Poof out of the pot and Poof changes back into his original clothing) There's only one explanation for this. (gasps) Turner's fairies have obviously sent out an invisible blast and turned by son into a fairy. I'm not in denial, that clearly makes sense. Oh, I can't raise a fairy baby, and I can't capture my own kin and mount him on the wall like some trophy. (squeezes Poof and Poof groans) Although mother did far worse to me. No, Denzel Jr. needs to be with other fairies now. It's what best for him. (Denzel hugs Poof and Poof babbles) No, no, be strong, D.J, no tears. (groaning) (weeping hysterically) Okay, I can do this. Bringing the child first is what a good father does. Good-bye, D.J. I'll miss you. Fairy in the hole! (puts Poof in the pot and zaps him into the Turners' house) (cuts to the Turners' house)


 * Wanda: I sure hope the boys get home soon. I miss Poof. (Poof bounces into Wanda's lap)


 * Cosmo: Cool. Let me try. I miss rump roasts. Come on, rump roasts.


 * Wanda: Wait a minute. Poof is here. But what happened to Timmy?


 * Timmy: Cosmo, Wanda, I see you got Poof when I tossed him through the window only a second ago since he's been with me all day.


 * Wanda: Uh, huh.


 * Timmy: Okay, I'm sorry. Poof bounced out of the stroller. I looked everywhere for him. I'm just glad he's safe. If it's any consolation, I've been attacked by the alligators, blown up by the Dynamite Museum, and swallowed by the Loch Dimmsdale Monster.


 * Cosmo: See, I told you it was real.


 * Timmy: I'm still in trouble, aren't I? (Wanda poofs Timmy back to the Rabid Animal Zoo with the alligators and they attack Timmy) (Poof goes towards the window and watches Denzel Crocker, feeling sad and solemn music plays) (a boy shows up and tries to get a football but a girl prevented him and the boy falls) (Poof poofs up the Crockbot 9000)


 * Denzel Crocker: (screams) The Crockbot 9000.


 * Crockbot 9000: Hello, father.


 * Denzel Crocker: You're not going to blast me with a laser, are you?


 * Crockbot 9000: Negative. (puts on a tie) I love you, father, with all of your metallic heart.


 * Denzel Crocker: I love you too, D.J. Let's go to dinner and talk about getting you an oblong ball scholarship. (the Crockbot 9000 rides Denzel to Charlie's Steak Pies) Table for two, please. (holds up two fingers) I've always wanted to say that. (the bird shows up and attacks Denzel Crocker again) No, storkie! (screams) My eye!


 * Crockbot 9000: Father! (episode ends)